Husbands and affection

**faith17** · 02-06-2003, 01:32 AM

Ok ladies help here please . I have been married for two years to my dh. I am haveing a problem getting him to be more affectionate and loveing to me . His parents are that way also so I think that has alot to do with it . I just need some advice on how to maybe make it better .

**lucy979** · 02-06-2003, 03:14 AM

I wish I had a great answer for you. It is really hard to be affectionate if you have grown up not being that way. Maybe if you are very loving to him all the time he will come around. Gosh, I wish I had better advice. Somebody here should be of more help than me!

**heavensent_7** · 02-06-2003, 06:12 AM

My advice would be don't try - sorry I know that's probably NOT what you want to hear

My father found it hard to show affection, although he did change after MANY years and I am not a very affectionate person, which I know I have passed on to some of my kids

(although not the little one, she's huggy/kissy whether it's returned or not LOL)

My husband was unaffectionate in the way he was a total non-talker and I TALK. He kept himself totally to himself and it was a real issue for us, it wrecked our relationship.

Looking back on it, I understand now people are different, some kiss lots (yuck lol) some don't. Some talk lots

- some don't. We knew what these people were like when we started the relationship and we 'have' to accept them for who they are, not who we would like them to be. Changing people never works, it only causes resentment. People change when THEY want to.

I know it is hard, but life is like that. Just keep in mind it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it's just the way he is. Look for other ways he shows his affection and be gratefull for that. Some men think washing the car is affectionate because they are fixing a problem for you! Men and women think totally differently and it can be very difficult (and hurtful too) if you 'think' that somebody doesn't love you as they should. But sometimes we have to choose our battles (something I never learnt to do!) and I don't honestly think that it is worth causing friction over, life has more important things to worry about.

Just look for how he DOES show his love and accept him for who he is - totally. The chances are in time he will become who you want him to be if you don't force it anyway. What we keep giving out HAS to return to us.

Sorry I know I didn't have a 'fix' and that is soooooo annoying, I'm really trying to help.

((((((hugs))))))))) anyway - Bev. xxxx

**mommy2three** · 02-06-2003, 08:19 AM

my hubby is the same way and we've been married almost 6 years!!

i agree with bev!

**Darlene** · 02-06-2003, 08:45 AM

Great explanation Bev! My hubby isn't overly affectionate. It used to hurt me that he didn't write me love letters or be all huggy like he did when he was courting me. Now we have a little joke between us. He say's "honey I have something for you" I act all excited thinking it's that ellusive love note and he then hands me a gas reciept. (I'm the keeper of reciepts) Goofy humor I know.
Maybe someday I'll get a love letter, if I don't that's OK. I know he loves me because he loads the dishwasher every morning and bought me ugly insulted coveralls so I'd be warm. Lots of other lovey stuff like that too.

Married 18 yrs thus far.

**faith17** · 02-06-2003, 08:58 AM

thank you so far ladies , I really like yours Bev. It really helped to get a response like that from someone who knows and has been there or is there thereself . Thank you so much

**MANDERS** · 02-07-2003, 10:39 AM

I totaly agree with Bev!I would do nothing.But the reasons i agree are a lil different,cause well I'm close to the situation.I know you feel he doesn't love you and I totaly understand.It hurts and yes I still feel the way he grew up has a lot to do with it.But his parents seem to be coming around and maybe he will too. I'm in a totaly different situation as you know where Jason is very affectionate and lol yes we do kiss each other a lot.Sorry if I'm grossing you out Bev lol

So This might not help out as much.

**voodidit** · 02-07-2003, 12:31 PM

I know where you are coming from. My dh was the same way for a long time. He was brought up by his grandparents in a very non-loving atmosphere and had no idea how to show affection other than in bed. I finally decided if he wasn't going to show me any, why shold I show him any, that was what worked for me, he realized how much he enjoyed the loved I showed for him and finally started showing some for me. Now not a day goes by when he dosen't tell me he loves me, hugs me. And his friends even tell me that he talks about how much I mean to to him.

**mamabear** · 02-07-2003, 01:18 PM

Hi there,

I haven't posted very many posts but do frequent the boards and read many of the things you ladies post.

I agree with what has already been said and would just like to add that people show their love in many different ways. I would recommend reading a book called "The 5 love languages". It's very interesting! My husband's "love language" is works (doing things) so for him when he takes out the garbage, cooks dinner or sweeps the floor he's showing me he loves me. This took me awhile to understand as I do prefer receiving hugs and such. . . the book is very much worth a read.

Thanks for letting me post.

**faith17** · 02-07-2003, 04:31 PM

Thank you again Ladies you all have great comments

**faith17** · 02-09-2003, 10:42 PM

I do tell him what I need . I just hope that one day he will come around . I know you say your husbands show affection in other ways but I really dont know how mine dose. he dont help with anything at the house or bring me cards or wash my car, nothing, nothing , nothing . he dosent even ask me how I feel when I am sick . so I dont know I really dont . he dose not even say i love you unless I say it first . I just wonder if he dose love me .
Thank you all for helping me out I needed this . I will check back with you all in a day or two,