Having an awful, icky, yucky weekend.

Mommyof2lildivas · 02-15-2003, 10:35 PM

I just had to come here and vent and I hope you can bare with me. I'm so depressed that I had to go and take a nap, because I just couldn't take the pressure anymore. Yesterday was my birthday and though it was nice and my husband and kids made it extra special, I still got reminded that I don't seem to be very special to anybody else. My Mom took me shopping today for my birthday and had to make a couple of remarks to remind me of how special my brother is and how unspecial I am. I don't even know why she took me when she rushed me in and rushed me out. Then she informed me that she and my Dad will be paying for my brother's college out of their 401K and taking loans out for him, he doesn't have to. This is a kicker. She spent all my college fund money before I turned 18 and never said she was sorry. My Dad didn't even know it was gone. I had to pay my way through school and she did take a loan out for me, but I have to pay it back, am doing so currently. I don't mind this, what bothers me is the double standard she has for me and my brother. He's 16, almost 17, and ten years younger than me. We're super close, and I'm glad for him, it just hurts the way she treats me. This last Christmas she only spent about $150 on me, my dh, and my kids, telling me that they had no money. When I saw all he got and what he and my Dad told me they got, I was hurt, she certainly had tons of money for them. Then she lied about how much she spent on my kids to make me feel bad, I only found out what she really spent by accident. It's not the money, it's the fact that she lies to me about it, so that I feel guilty and apologize to her for having to spend anything on us. I wish she wouldn't. Then she has the nerve to take me aside and tell me how pathetic my gifts are to her and how hurt her feelings are, after giving me and dh some really crappy gifts. I just told her I was sorry and cried to dh. It's just killing me inside and lots of times I don't feel like getting out of bed in the morning, because I feel like no one cares besides dh and the kids. And I can only complain to dh for so long. He sees the way I get treated and it upsets him, but he's like me, we're people pleasers and doormats. We've just barely stopped saying yes to everything people wanted us to do. And last weekend at my FIL's bday was a nightmare, but that would just me going on too long. I just missing having a Mom and a caring family network. Thanks for listening.

**aylasmommy** · 02-15-2003, 10:49 PM

Awww sweety We care about you!!

I would feel pretty hurt too

I know what you mean about missing the family network too. When I got married it seemed like suddenly my network had collapsed. I guess because my grandparents had always really taken care of me as far as making sure we got to family gatherings and paying our way if we couldn't, and all that. We sat with them at dinners and everything. Once i got married it was like they didn't need to take care of me and I felt I wasn't really part of the family. I don't know if that makes any sense...but I just want you know I think I understand how you feel (((hugs)))

**babynurse** · 02-15-2003, 11:05 PM

Tangee, first of all, big (((((hugs))))) to you! I know the hurt you are feeling. My mother too spent my education money (from my deceased father's pension) but saved my brother's and gave it to him. Guess who dropped out of college twice? My brother! Who got their degree and after 5 years is still paying off loans and will still be in 5 years, yep! ME! All I have to say is this, you are a very special woman and mother, wife and daughter too. They say you can't pick your family...well, I disagree...your friends can be your family. If if hurts you to be around your parents and they are deliberately making you feel bad, you need to separate yourself from them and get what you need from others, whether it is your husband, real life friends or like me to some extent, your online family. Some people just don't change and don't realize how much their actions hurt other people. You do not need to be mistreated, especially by your own family. If you parents don't like your gifts, then don't bother...that might get their attention..then when they say "what gives" you can say "well, you don't appreciate what I give you, so I decided to devote my energy, time and money on those that appreciate it". I believe Dr. Phil says it best when he says "you decide how people treat you" you teach them how to abuse you and underappreciate you....if you don't let them hurt you, they can't. I know it is easier said than done (believe me, I go through this daily) but I would rather have meaningful, healthy relationships with people who treat me with dignity and respect than unhealthy ones with people just because they are my family. I know a lot of your post was just venting but I have been through a lot of what you have and I just wanted to respond with an honest answer. I hope it doesn't offend you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect!

Mommyof2lildivas · 02-15-2003, 11:40 PM

Aylasmommy and Theresa,
Thank you for the advice and sympathy. I've been coaching myself daily for the last 2 weeks on how to cut the ties and rely on the family I've chosen, not the ones given to me. It just seems that since the holiday season it's been doubly hard to get by without being put down or reminded that I'm not as loved as everyone else. I'm spending most of tomorrow at home and I'm gonna be nesting big time, turning my home into more of a haven. It just seems that though God has blessed me richly, I still look at all the depressing things in my life. Okay, I'm gonna get off pity pot for now. I'm going to go and watch Sweet Home Alabama with dh while I do a little mending and sewing. (((Hugs)) to both of you. Thank you for caring, I'm fighting back tears right now, but it just means so much to know that you do.

**voodidit** · 02-15-2003, 11:40 PM

Tangee, I understand where you are coming from, I knw my parents love me, but my brother, who is 9 years younger has always come first since the day he was born. I think in some families that is just the way it is. It has gotten better now that he lives almost 5 hours away..lol.

I agree that if she doesn't like the gifts you give then either don't give her anything or give her a giftcard and let her get what she wants if she doesn't like that tell her you just don't know what to do to make her happy.

Or maybe just sit down with her and tell her how you feel, I know it might seem hard, but it might be the best thing you could ever do.

**Sara Noel** · 02-16-2003, 12:03 AM

I have cut ties with the majority of my family. It sometimes hurts because I feel like an "orphan", but I decided in order to be my very best for my own family, I needed to cut them out.

I once read this proverb........

The wild geese do not intend to cast their reflection; the water has no mind to return their image. by Alan Watts

Basically, I interpreted it as some things just are.
Hugs to you and I am sorry you are hurting.

**KathiS** · 02-16-2003, 03:52 AM

Hugs to you! I have been through the same thing for years. My dad told me not to expect any inheritance when he dies. He said my brother will have to consider his Notre Dame education to be his inheritance. I just sat with my mouth hanging open. My parents never gave me one dime for my education or anything else. I'm old enough now that I have learned to just make my own family and friends. I think you have to learn to get pretty thick skinned with some family. I am like Sara, however. Basically, I consider myself an orphan. People can only hurt you if you let them. Don't let your family tear you apart.

Mommyof2lildivas · 02-16-2003, 04:04 AM

Thank you Kathi. I really need to do that, just cut some of these hurtful ties.

**Darlene** · 02-16-2003, 08:00 AM

Sending you a hug and I'm sorry you don't have a nice Mom. I'm another one of the people who have cut people out of my life because they were not good to me or mine. I could not change them I could only change me. Your husband & kids are your family now & boy do they love you. Sometimes we just have to find joy & comfort in what we have not what will never be. Your Mom probably has been & will always be like this. Nothing you can do or say will change her. Not easy but let her go & put your love and energy into what really matters your dear husband & kids who show you everyday how much they love & value you. Let her be miserable to someone else. Not you.
Ps. Don't tell her you are sorry ever again. You have nothing to be sorry for.

**Daphne** · 02-16-2003, 08:30 AM

I don't have a lot of advice for you this morning but the ladies here have given some excellent advice to you. I'm sorry that you are hurting!! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I'm sending big hugs to you!!!

**captclearance** · 02-16-2003, 10:26 AM

QWhat more could I say ? They have said it all...... You are special to me too Tangee !!!!!!!!!!!

but here are some well deserved hugs !!!!

**mustang80** · 02-16-2003, 02:29 PM

I don't have anything to add, the other ladies have said it all so well. Sending you hugs

**Mom23boys** · 02-16-2003, 02:40 PM

I understand how you feel 100%. I have been married for 16 years and have 3 children that are truely my only family. My dad lives down the road, but we hardly ever talk. He gave me and my sister up when my mom and him divorced when I was 4. He never saw us until I married and moved back to this town. My mom isn't there for me either, but she raises my siste's children, who is 4 years older than me. My mom of course never has time for my children because she is so busy with my 3 nieces who are 12, 13, and 17. She has had them since they were babies. My sister never has time for them.

When my mom needs something she will call and ask and of course I never say no, but it hurts to know she has no time for my children. My grandparents raised me and my sister and I guess my sister thinks it is ok for our mom to do the same as she did. I love my mom to death and would do anything for her. I just wish she would acknowledge us too.

I learned to let go of alot of my family and try to enjoy life. I know it is hard for you, but remember that your husband will always be there for you when noone else will.

Hugs!

**Michelle** · 02-16-2003, 03:08 PM

No advice here...just tons of hugs for you

**homesteadmamma** · 02-16-2003, 03:18 PM

No advice here either because its all been said, but having gone through this for years with my middle brother and still going through it, I know how you feel.

Lots and lots of {{{{hugs}}}}}. cj