Teenage Daughter Rant II Long

**scrappycat** · 03-26-2003, 09:09 AM

My teenage daughter is threatening to move out the minute she turns 18, and I have to admit it's sounding pretty tempting to me! We adopted all 3 of our daughters from Vietnam, they were 5, 8, and 9 when we adopted them. She was the oldest. From the very beginning, she was so mean and sneaky. She lied constantly. My other two daughters told us that she had been that way from the very beginning...in Vietnam, their father would give them money for breakfast, she would take theirs and buy candy and slap them and threaten to kill them if they told. Now that she is 17, her sneakiness and lieing are more rampant and involve bigger things. We don't trust her at all, she lies, she steals, she is very clever and conniving, she thinks up elaborate schemes that are really quite impressive, and we catch her all the time listening outside our bedroom door.

Besides all the other issues, the one that is popping up now is clothing. She had a job last year and we allowed her to buy her own clothing, since it was her money. Well, everything, every single thing she owns looks like it came from a Friedrichs of Hollywood catalog. It is all skin tight, with lots and lots and lots of skin showing, and I don't believe she owns any shoes with less that 5 inch heels. Last year, we had a big run around with what she was wearing to school, and it ended up that I had to okay all of her clothes the night before. Yesterday she wore some black halter bra top under a very loosely crocheted top. My other daughter told me that she took the crochet top off, and wore that black halter bra top on the school bus. Today she left in a button down the front shirt, and I'm sure she has something sleazy underneath it.

Now, I try to be pretty open about clothing. I know I wore the patched jeans and peasant blouses when I was a teenager, but I did not dress sleazy. If she just wore the cute little baby tees or something that would be one thing. But she wears these skin type tops with big holes cut out in the center where your cleavage would be (though she is a 32A and doesn't have any cleavage). She even manages to find long sleeve shirts with big slits in the arms and that are cut up the sides and laced back together. She bought shorts and cut them off so that her butt cheeks hang out about an inch and then she cut 4 inch slits on the sides so that when she bend down you see practically everything.

I need help! I fight with her daily about these clothes, about lieing.

**Darlene** · 03-26-2003, 09:22 AM

Sending you a hug Pam, I know this must be so tough on you and the entire family.The only thing I can think of is have you tried counselling? Sometimes no matter how hard a parent tries it just isn't enough. That reminds me of an old saying~ You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. If counselling doesn't help you're going to have the tough job of letting her go and hope that she'll come to her senses one day. I wish you the best Pam.

**Ellise** · 03-26-2003, 09:50 AM

I don't have any words or wisdom or advice for that matter as DD is only 5. I sure hope she doesn't do this, her daddy will kill her!

All I can offer you are hugs & Prayers that things will work out for the Best!!
Hugs for you.

**MJsLady** · 03-26-2003, 10:15 AM

I can only offer prayers and caring thoughts as well as I only have boys.
Somethings are ingrained in kids at an early age. Perhaps all she saw in her native land were the women who acted this way?
I know I still carry alot from my early years with my mom.
I wish I had some wise words for you. I would be tempted to tell her if she continues this way she is now responsible for herself. Just try to ignore her actions, once she hits 18 you won't be able to stop her. I can not imagine dealing wiht htese issues and I wish you the best of luck.
I do agree with the counseling, did you try it with her when she was younger? The big thing if you go that route, be sure (I am positive you do this already) to listen, do not but in when she is stating her side, feelings or whatever.

**vecollins** · 03-26-2003, 10:28 AM

I know exactly what you're going through, dd is 17 and i have posted about her several times........she is mean unless she wants something, hs been staying with friends family for pst several months, not completely moved out though or anything. She actually wanted me to officially let her move out right after she turned 17, i told her NO........but i agree it is tempting....
She asked me, WHY CAN'T I MOVE OUT IF I DON'T LIKE LIVING AT HOME???????

She will be 18 in August so.....................I tell her the grass isn't always greener on the other side......She doesn't want to have to follow rules, can't understand not being able to drive (has had 4 wrecks LOL) So I do know what your'e going through and if you need anything just let me know....vickie

**PrairieRose** · 03-26-2003, 11:12 AM

I don't have any words of advice to offer other than couselling might really be helpful.

**heaven** · 03-26-2003, 11:14 AM

OH hon, hang in there. They Learn how to behave by the time they are 3,, and at 9 when you got her it was way to late to change it. Sorry to tell you that. choose your battles with her. I know her dressing like a slut reflects somewhat on you BUT the younger two dress approprately, THAT ALSO reflects on you. I would work on the lying and sneakieness. We are all here for all the emotional support that you need. Sending lots of hugs and many prayers your way.

**scrappycat** · 03-26-2003, 01:27 PM

Thanks everyone for your support. I do try to pick my battles. Actually clothing is the easiest battle. We can only confront her about a lie, if we have direct hard evidence, because she will continue to lie to very end. She is one of those that will deny to the end even when you see her do it. We saw her kick and hit the cat the other day (which in our house is unthinkable!!). Well, we were right there and saw her do it. She denied it! We said Kelsey we saw you! And she said "I didn't hit him". So, we got in this "yes, you did" "no, I didn't" kind of thing, and she never ever admited it! How scary is that??

And I have found a therapist who deals with teenager and she is has special interests in adopted children. We thought that we would have adoption issues, but we really don't. I think these issues with Kelsey stem a lot from her personality. Kelsey is the most meanest, sneakiest, and selfish person I have ever met. Everything single thing she does is to benefit herself. If she does something nice, you can bet if you look at it, it was really to help her. She has never shed a tear over anyone but herself. When we had our cat put to sleep last month, the whole family was crying. She paused about 30 seconds and then began telling us about how good she cut someones hair in school that day. When the terrorists hit the twin towers, the whole family gathered around the tv that night. We were all waiting for Bush to give his talk at 8:00. As a family we sort of huddled together on the couch. Not Kelsey. I went looking for her and she was upstairs braiding her hair. She never showed one bit of emotion. After about 2 days, I asked her if it bothered her at all...and she said "yes, but it's not like it makes me sad or anything".! My friend calls her "the bad seed" from that old movie. It's sad, but she really does act just like that girl!

**Mom23boys** · 03-26-2003, 02:06 PM

Sending you hugs Pam.

**mrscornbread** · 03-26-2003, 05:26 PM

I had two girls and two boys, dd#1 25 years old (Whew!), dd#2 17 (still home) ds#1 16, and ds#2 12. I can tell you that you are not alone in this Pam. Being a mother is hard work and for anyone who thinks not their day will come. I went through so much wioth my oldest, then my second daughter, now my oldest son is making me pull my hair out. I just always remember that God will not give me more than I am able to handle. It is because of MY "unruly kids" (thats what dh calls them), that I am following the dream I am currently pursuing. If I could get through those 2 girls I could do anything, I really mean that. Take it one minute at a time and when it is too much...retreat to a quiet place for a few moments. I wish you patience and harmony. I have no advice other than to look out for yourself, I know how sick stress can make a person. I belioeve she will grow out of it once she realizes how hard the real world is.

There's nothing better than a lesson earned in the School Of Hard Knocks

**Patchworkgirl** · 03-26-2003, 05:51 PM

Robin said it very well- take care of yourself, the stress is awful when you are going through something like this. I am also going through some terrible things with my 18 yr old daughter- stuff I haven't told very many people on here. A friend of mine gave me some great wisdom- she said "sometimes parenting just plain sucks". That we do our best and yet it doesn't always turn out the way we had hoped. It's enough to break your heart. But take comfort in knowing that there are plenty of others that are going through very similar things. Good people who have raised other children who are good. I really think that personality of the child is the biggest factor is some of these problems. JMHO.