Time to confess.... (Long)

**isaacsmommy** · 08-08-2003, 10:48 PM

Dear Village Friends,

I've been thinking of writing this thread for some time now, and have decided it's time. I realize I may lose some friends in the village once you find out about the "real" me, but it's a chance I have to take in order to try to sort things out.

I feel like I've been living a double life. While I'm at home, I'm unhappy, mean and generally feel like a monster - a very unlikeable person. While at work, I am a confident, pleasant, fun person to be with.

Dh and I have been struggling for the past the couple of months, and I don't think our marriage will last much longer. This is tearing me apart - mainly because I hoped for so much more for Isaac. In fact, one of the big reasons I wanted to have a child with dh was to give him the opportunity to be a big part of one of his kids' lives (he left his ex when the youngest was 3).

Anyway, my biggest problem is my step-son (16). Basically, I wish he weren't living with us and it causes huge problems between dh and I. I understand that he wants his son with him, but I don't feel like my feelings matter. I know I'm being a baby about the whole situation, but I'm just at the end of my rope.

I'm completely controlling, I pick at everything dss does, and generally make his life miserable. I can't seem to stop myself, even though I know he's a good kid. I don't know what to do... I prayed for understanding, but it's not helping.

Dh mentions counseling, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that - I don't need to feel any worse about myself than I already do, and that's all that will happen. Dh and I are no longer friends, and I can't talk to him about much of anything anymore.

I'm sorry to ramble, I just needed to get this out...

**simplemom** · 08-08-2003, 11:03 PM

Wendy, I'm so sorry to know you are going through hard times with your dh and your step-son...

Now, listen...You are not a monster, OK?

Everyone has hard moments and can be mean...I know you are not a bad person. You are tired and at the end of the rope, like you said, and that can play in your humour...

I don't want to give advice because I am no expert, but if I may say one thing. Please do accept your dh's offer consult. The therapists are not there to make you feel bad. They are there to listen and help you and dh, find why some things are not right in your family life. I know it's scary, but trust me, it can only help. I've been many, many times in therapy--alone and with my dh and it wasn't always easy, but it has always helped us tremondously.

I'm sending you tons of hugs...

I will keeping you in my prayers. Don't discourage yourself.

Lucie

**Missy** · 08-09-2003, 02:48 AM

I agree with Lucie, therapy isn't designed to make you feel bad. or to make you feel like a bad person. Just the opposite. Thereapy is designed to make you feel better about yourself. Feeling better about yourself will also then reflect onto the people around you. And therapy isn't easy. be patient. It will seem like nothing is happening in therapy to help the situation. At first. then slowly you will notice little differences, then more and more. Look around for a therapist you are comfortable with. Most have free, introductory sessions to get to know them. Take advantage of it, that time can match you with the perfect therapist or councellor for you. if in the intro time you don't feel comfortable with them, find another.

I wish you the best of luck.

**Daphne** · 08-09-2003, 06:20 AM

I agree with the other ladies. You aren't a bad person and getting counseling isn't a bad thing. You are a good person!!

I'll keep you in my prayers and my thoughts!! We are here for you if you need us!!

**AmyMCGS** · 08-09-2003, 10:10 AM

First, I'm sending you many hugs

I"m so sorry you're going through all of this. I would tend to agree with the others, that counceling might be a good idea. It seems like a hopeful sign to me that DH is interested in that, not in just calling it quits. Maybe a good therapist can help you work through these issues and find a comprimise.

I'll be thinking of you & keep you in my prayers!

**Michelle** · 08-09-2003, 10:16 AM

Listen to the advice the others have given you. At least your dh will go to counselling with you--that's more than I can say here.

I digress, though, we do not dislike you or think you're a monster. Hang in there and remember that you have friends here to vent to whenever you feel the need

**Heather** · 08-09-2003, 10:53 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this, you have got some wonderful advice. Know that we are here for you anytime! Sending

You are a GOOD person!

**SewCrafty** · 08-09-2003, 11:00 AM

Big

**mommy2three** · 08-09-2003, 11:22 AM

wendy,
you are NOT a monster.

you are just frustrated and ALL of us gets that way at some time. i have felt very similar to you. when i first became a sahm i was very frustrated. i felt so useless and bored....so i took it out on my family.

i agree that you should MAYBE look into counseling. at least your hubby is WILLING. just think about it....are YOU willing to try to make things better????
{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}
we are always here for you.

**Sara Noel** · 08-09-2003, 11:35 AM

I don't think you need me to tell you how much of an impact you have on your son and stepchildren.
I'd get the help you need and take it from there. Getting help is a positive thing for you to do for everyone, but especially yourself.
Accepting responsibility for your actions and owning your behavior towards your family is an incredible first step.
I'm sure you are not the sole person responsible for things gone wrong. These things don't happen overnight and a single person is never to blame.
I'm sure you've been hurting a long time, so I encourage you to please get some counselling and start caring for YOU.
Counselling won't make you feel worse. It's not about blame.

You certainly aren't going to lose friends for being human either.

take care

**homesteadmamma** · 08-09-2003, 12:37 PM

Sweetie, I can't imagine you losing friends here because you've opened your heart to us. Were here to give you support, encourage you and lift you up during a difficult time.

You've gotten such great advice already so I'm sending you a

Always remember, we all have struggles in our lives.

**Jerseygirl** · 08-09-2003, 12:51 PM

just here to echo what the others said--be open to any suggestion that could help your family and you realize happiness.

**isaacsmommy** · 08-09-2003, 12:56 PM

Thank you all! Last night was a very bad night... I think I may look into individual counseling for me. Where do you suggest I look? I work with our county, and our office is actually shared by a Human Relations Center, however, I really don't want to use them? I know I can speak with the pastor of our church or another church that mil works at, but I'm reluctant to do that due to the "family factor." What do you think?

**guest2** · 08-09-2003, 01:22 PM

Wendy,
Big

! Sweetie, you have taken a big step towards healing your family and I'm so proud of you for that. Go where you feel comfortable for counseling. I think individual and family counseling would help you all through this rough time. Having been a card carrying member of the "counseling club" myself

I know how much healing it can bring and that it can restore families. I praise God that you see the problem, that your husband wants counseling, and that you are willing to seek help. When I was a teenager, my family finally got the help it needed and my parent's marriage was saved, and my relationship with my parents started to heal. I am so thankful that we got the help we needed or we would have been another heartbroken family.

**homesteadmamma** · 08-09-2003, 01:28 PM

I agree with Debbie, go where you feel comfortable.

If you live in a smaller town, you may want to go to another town, where you know others won't know your business. You may also want to go to counselling at your church denomination, but in another town. If you feel comfortable going to your pastor and know that he will keep things in confidence, then go there.

You have to do whats best for you. If that means going by yourself, then thats okay. If it means going by yourself and also going with your dh and step-son, then you do that. Counselling was the best thing dh and I did when we were struggling a number of years ago.

Remember, were here for you whatever you decide to do.