It seems that most villagers have husbands, but I am one of those with a significant other. Mel and I have been together for years and share my daughter. He considers her and treats her as his own and she has always known him as daddy. I think our family unit is great but I also think it differs in lots of ways from families where the partners are actually married.
So here's my question, if you or someone you know has a signficant other or life partner or whatever you call them, do you think there are some situations that are just different from our married friends? or is everything the same just without the legal paper that says you are married? Do you wish that you were married or does it just not matter?
I'm only thinking of people in committed relationships as opposed to boy friends/girl friends.
I'll post my thoughts a bit later after I have heard from a few of you.
Pat
My brother and his fiancee have been together for many years and are expecting a baby in May. They have been living as a couple and even bought a home together because they plan on spending the rest of their lives together. I have another friend who has been with her SO for 20 years now. They have 3 children and as far as I know, no plans to marry because they don't see a reason to be married. Thier oldest child is my God daughter and my concern has always been what would happen if they broke up. Legally, what would happen to the kids. My friend always told me that she and her SO were together because they loved one another and if they ever fell out of love, then they would not have to get a messy divorce. I have another friend who also has a SO and shares a child with him, plus they have her child from a previous marriage and his children from a previous marriage. She doesn't want to marry him, but says she loves him and is commited to him.
Personally, I think marriage is a wonderful thing. I love my husband and being married to him only served to strengthen the bond that we already had. There have been rough times, but being married to him has made me fight even harder to keep our marriage intact and to make things better. Things that have torn apart some other friends with SO's have not done that to us because we made the commitment to be together for life and we take that very seriously.
Pat ~ I really have nothing to compare anything to....GW & I have shared more life together than we ever did apart.....(I wish you could see the looks from the guys at the battery when they realize that he's 32 & Katie is almost 17!! )
I do know that when we were at GEICO, certain discounts weren't given to unmarried couples and their company health insurance wouldn't cover a SO ~ same with the ARMY.....I jokingly say that I've always been married and it certainly seems that way....I understand the differences of views, but as Debbie said, there have been cases when, were it not for being married, we probably wouldn't be together....
I say "if it ain't broke..." but I wouldn't change being "Mrs" for anything.....
SO and I have both been married and divorced twice. If there was a contest for the ability to pick losers, he and I would tie!
As for the differences - I do think its easier to walk away if you are not married, but we have been together so long and have so much invested in each other that it would be just as bad as a divorce. I think not being married affects us financially - We do not share money, though he has told me this wouldn't change any way. His bills are his and mine are mine - except for when I have to bum some off him. Me and dd can't get health insurance from him and vice versa - that's a real issue since my job has been shaky for over a year. He does not have a will, thus we would be out and his grown daughter would inherit what little he has (she doesn't like me and dd).
On another level - our families are not comfortable with it. His mom and dad are saints but they are never comfortable when they have to introduce me. They do claim my dd as their granddaughter and that is sweet. My brother is not happy that I am not married. I have several relatives who barely speak to me since I am "living in sin". It was just fine when I was married to a drug addict/drunk/felon but not now since I a just shacking up with a well educated/well employed man who takes care of me and dd.
I could go on, but I'll end with the last name issue. I have my maiden name, SO has his name and dd has my married name. 3 names, one house. DD's friends often call me by my married name since it matches dd's. I answer to both names. DD absolutely hates this. She wants us all to have one name. She brings this up a lot. I've tried telling her that her name can't change, it's her name. If I had to do it over again, I would have kept the married last name. At the time, I thought I could change dd's name and have since found out that I can't.
Do I wish I was married instead - sometimes. I don't really think our relationship would change but I would somehow feel more secure. SO on the other hand, thinks that it is totally unnecessary and is dead set against it. I think he likes being single and feels that he is safe financially at least.
Pat
I'm sorry that you went through 2 bad marriages and so did your SO. I can see why he is "gun shy" about marriage. I feel badly for you and your DD since she is feeling a bit insecure about all this and you seem to be also because of there not being a will for SO. Those are some of the very real and hard downsides of living with someone that you are not married to. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make all your dreams and your daughter's come true, but since I can't I'll just continue to pray for you, be here for you and love you!!!
I'm on my third marriage and my two eldest children are from a 10 year relationship and we never married.
You'll have to keep up here it gets VERY dysfunctional LOL.
I came from a strict Christian background where marriage was sacred and with my first S.O. I desperately wanted to get married. He had been married twice and was older than me and couldn't 'see the point' (although he married again after me )
My family never agreed with it either, but at the end of the day you aren't 'with' your family. Although my upbringing did add to feelings that I was doing something 'wrong'
I always wanted to marry and I'm very insecure, but I've sinced realised I'm just not cut out to be a 'wife' I don't know why? I dreamed of marrying once and living happily ever after, but it just didn't happen for me.
I have five children, with three different surnames and people call me by four different names (and plently of others too no doubt LOL) Also one of my children lives with her father and my youngest child, who has never lived with the eldest doesn't realise that they are even related, she refers to her as my 'friend'
Life is wierd and it certainly didn't go how I 'planned' it. I always think I need to be married (why? I don't know again) when I'm single I dream the dream, but in reality I've never made it work.
I know when I'm single, I'm more together within myself, but then I also think I've 'failed' somehow because I don't have a relationship ~ I'm sure all these feelings come from my past.
I honestly think (for me at least - coz I don't want everybody to come and throttle me LOL) The only way marriage ever changed me/us was we stopped trying so hard
There are practical issues when you aren't married, but I don't see any of them as a good reason for doing it.
I heard a story recently about a woman that had 4 children (adults) and she was marrying their father (her S.O.) - They had been together forever and all the children didn't know they weren't married already LOL.
Anyway I guess you didn't ask me to write a book on the subject LOL - so I'm off now.
Originally posted by paelthom .... but we have been together so long and have so much invested in each other that it would be just as bad as a divorce....
Pat - forgive me if I offended you...I certainly was not imp[lying that because you two weren't "official" that you weren't committed to each other....I apologize if that was the impression I gave you....
I lived with a partner for about 6 years. We shared all of our finances, a home, vehicles, credit cards, etc and were committed to one another. It worked out fine until I really thought about it. I woke up one day feeling i deserved to be married. I knew he wasn't ready and I didn't feel like waiting until he was. I met Gabe. We got married and that's the way it worked out.
I think being in a committed relationship (and unmarried) is fine for some if both people are fine with it. I think the problem occurs when one person wants to be married and the other doesn't.
I felt that I had compromised my own values and when I look back on it all, I can't believe I lived with someone for so long unmarried.
For some it's simply a legality, but for me it was more than that.
I was worth that "legality".
This is of course my opinion on my own personal situation and my own values. I always had this feeling inside that I suppressed for all those years. I knew why he didn't want to marry me as soon as I wanted to. His parents had an ugly divorce and he wanted things a certain way. I just wasn't willing to wait and risk never marrying or having a family. (I was already 28)
BUT if it "ain't" broke...don't fix it.
**edited to add** oops I forgot to answer your question...lol
You asked if I felt anything was different. At the time, there definitely was something different for me. If we were married I know I would have been more tolerant of things and would have worked on our relationship better.
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First of all BushBrigade - I am certainly not offended. I ask for honest answers. If I want to hear nice stuff, I'll just talk to myself. LOL
Sara what you said really does hit the nail on the head. Sometimes I just feel that I deserve to be married. Our relationship has certainly had its share of ups and downs, but I think we both contributed to that and if we are comitted to staying together - well it should be legal and I should be protected and we should at least get down to 2 last names in one house. Other times, I think it doesn't matter. The one thing that bugs me most is when I run into someone and they say "you are STILL living together and not married". That is usually followed by Oh Pat you deserve so much more. .......
We are content and healthy and have a roof over our heads. I guess in life there is no absolute answers and I'm glad that it's just not me that feels unbalanced at times.
I love everyones responses and hope that some more will be added.
DH and I where together for 13 years before we got married. We where never both ready at the same time. One day someone asked(for the millionth time) When we where getting married. Dh said when she tells we when and where to be. So I told him and we finally made it official..lol. We still fight te same and love the same, we just now have the same last name.
My brother and his girlfriend have been together for 10 or 11 years and noone still knows if or when they plan on marrying.
Me and Joe started dating in 1995 and got married in 2002.
The first lady my dad dated after he and my mom split up were together from 1988 until she passed away with cancer in 1998. (they were also High School sweethearts). I still considered her my stepmom as did my own mother! They always said they were going to get married before I went to college but didn't. Then when she got sick and said it would be more painful for my dad if she didn't make it if they got married.
As long as you love one another it shouldn't matter if your last name is the same. Like Debbie (BushBrigade) said "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Mike and I have been together for 10 1/2 years, engaged for 3 of those years. We share everything, money, credit cards, the cars, bills, etc. We are both very happy the way things are and don't see what is going to change when we get married--except that I might have his last name (if I choose to take it) and I can get on his health insurance (his is cheaper than mine!). We're planning on buying a house within the next year or so--married or not. I know we'll get married eventually--we're not even sure what we want to do for a wedding. I can't see spending lots of $$ on 1 day that lasts only a few hours, so we're thinking of going away somewhere, just the 2 of us, then having a small get together afterwards at home.
I just really love everyone's posts. They are so heart warming to me. It really is an encouragement to me that others have been or still are in the same type relationship, committed but unmarried, and it works.
John and I are not "legal" although I always refer to him as dh. Yes there are awkward moments--his dad never knows how to refer to me as, most of my family refers to him as my husband-except my sister who refers to him as the ass I live with We raise the foster children as mommy and daddy, we are equal partners in the home we own, although just about everything is in my name-bank accounts, cars etc so his ex can't claim much should anything happen to him. I wear a wedding set on my left hand-trucking around all these kids old ladies in the grocery stores kept staring at me without it. He is the beneficiary on my insurance and 401k and I am on his. We have gone back and forth about the wedding thing, we will probably eventually do it-maybe when we actually make an adoption final. We were best friends for 5 years before dating, have been living together for almost 6. ------Kellie
Kellie,
I am so glad that's it's working for you - that's what I want. If SO doesn't want to get married, I need to be acceptable with this for our family sake. It's just those awkward moments that make it so weird. You know its not weird to us, but just to others. I am happy that you guys are making it! Now tell me, why does both our sisters say the same thing? Mine can't stand SO at all.
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Pat
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I don't know why? I dreamed of marrying once and living happily ever after, but it just didn't happen for me. 
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