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Is socializing hard for you?

2K views 22 replies 17 participants last post by  Jayne 
#1 ·
I'm finding that I am really struggling with being sociable. The holidays are so hard for me and even going to church has become an ordeal. I'm starting to wonder if I need some kind of therapy or something. I find myself avoiding being around people as much as possible and have panic attacks and a lot of anxiety in most social situations. I'm always so afraid I'll say or do something wrong or look like a total idiot. I find it really hard to make small talk and find I have very little in common with most people. I've started avoiding church because I just feel so stressed being in a room of people and having to sit still and knowing that if I have to leave the room that everyone will stare at me wondering why I'm going out of the room and that it disrupts things.

I'm sorry to go on about this but I'm really having problems with this and just feel like crying. I want to go to events and visit with people and most of all I want to go to church but it is just soooo hard for me and I feel so depressed and sad. I even take Zoloft but it doesn't help very much.

I was just wondering if anyone else struggles with this or has any suggestions to make things easier in social settings.
 
#2 ·
Yes, i totally know what you are going through. Therapy is a great thing, the queen of therapy here. Please do something before it gets worse. I still have a hard time going anywhere. If you can do it please do go out and do something. I worry people are looking at me, thinking i am stupid etc. totally understand, and hang in there it will get better. :hugz:
 
#3 ·
I used to feel that way, but I just startedbeing a little more talkative and tried to be brave. It worked for me, but I practice it. It feels very awkward at first, go slow and try in places where you wouldnt be so embarrassed if it didnt work out, like maybe while you are shopping or something!
 
#4 ·
I always considered myself pretty outgoing. I knew I was pretty reserved, but didn't consider myself shy. I was reading this site on shyness and noticed my personality fit the stereotype and it was the first time in my life that I thought wow, I'm shy!

I don't know if you need therapy or not, but I think successful experiences really help. I notice that the more successful social situations that I am in where I feel comfortable...the better off I am the next time around.

I also noticed that I wasn't as social once I gained weight too.

I'm kinda at a point now where I just say to hell with it, kwim? I've met my share of people that don't like me and I've met people that do. I've grown tired of trying to make nice nice and I stink at small talk.

I dread huge events. I don't like traffic, long lines, summing myself up in an introduction, or being stuck with people that I'm not fond of or figure aren't fond of me. Here's what I think.


I don't want to live like a hermit, so I do try and get out and mingle a bit, but I really enjoy my privacy and time alone. Gabe is much more outgoing. What a match we are.

We all like you. :D

I tend to look like an idiot often. It's kinda fun. :toothy:

I guess it's all about taking the risk that there will be good social events and bad social events and having an attitude of knowing many other people aren't the most outgoing either and just trying to enjoy yourself.

I hope your holidays are enjoyable and joyous. I was taught whenever I start to feel terribly bad about myself or my feelings or stress over things, that it was a great time to take the focus off myself and do something for someone else to make their day brighter. I dunno. It works for me.

:hug2:
 
#5 ·
Great post Sara and I love your blue guy!!!

I don't like crowds and don't do well in a crowd, so I stay away from them. I have learnt though, as Sara has, that if others don't like me, too bad. I am who I am.

I've also learnt to socialize with one or two people. I'm far more comfortable with that. And Dana, I have trouble at church as well. We always sit in the back and leave as soon as services are over. I just feel closed in somehow when there are large groups of people around me. I'd be happy to be in a church that only had a couple of people.

I agree also with Sara in that I'm not as sociable because of my weight. It is something I have to overcome but it is very difficult.

Just know your not alone. Were here for you and sending you many :hug2:
 
#6 ·
I wonder if a small "home" church might be the answer? I used to attend such a church, years ago. It was great. There was never more than about 15 people attedning. It was ideal for me, because I really dislike crowds as well. The best thing was, I really got to know the people there better than I would have if there had been hundreds of parishoners to get to know.
Although I have never been diagnosed, I'm quite sure I have a social anxiety disorder. I have been painfully shy all my life and experience many of the symtoms you described.
:hug2: to you!
 
#7 ·
I've gone through that myself and I sometimes will fall back into the rut again. I find that the more I push myself to be "out and about" the better off I am. It's very easy for me to pull the drapes and keep to myself. I see my mother do this and I know it's not healthy.
As Sara and Cj have both mentioned I have let my weight limit me as well. I don't do that anymore but I could if I just gave in to it. Please don't let yourself shut you off to the world. I really don't think people are judging you as much you feel they are. Most people are too busy thinking about themselves! :hugz:
 
#8 ·
:hugz: I am a shy person by nature. Somehow along the road I got tired of being left out. I decided that some people will no like me no matter what, but I wasn't going to let them stop me from being me. I am uncomfortable in large crowds, so I avoid those when I can. In church, I feel most comfortable in the back also. I do what CJ does and just pick a couple of people out to socialize with from a group. If you feel the need to get help, please do so. They can help you determine if there is a problem and what to do about it. :hugz:
 
#9 ·
I have social anxiety disorder, panic disorder and many more issues, lol. I should write a book, lol the first chapter i could just list the disorders.

hmmm i was digressing before i even got started...

Well, what I wanted to tell you is that at the very least, therapy is great. It helps me vent some of my anxiety. And I am able to work out some of my fears. I am awful in social situations, but I think it will get better. I avoid large groups like the plague. I feel trapped and suffocated. But I know it will get better.
 
#10 ·
LOL @ Melissa ~ I have loads of disorders too, I was just wondering if we all sat down and listed them how long the list really would be.

Dana ~ I really feel for you! Other people see me as out-going, strong, funny and I've heard scary too :eek:

I was thinking about this the other day because when my two eldest children were little I used to go out alot, now I NEVER go out!!! I mean not ANYWHERE. Unless I really HAVE to.

I shop on-line or DH does it, all my friends are on-line, I don't even have aquaintences here. I HATE small talk, and I don't enjoy any social events, even holidays!

I can't remember how long it's been this bad and most times it doesn't bother me anymore because the difference is I don't WANT to go out. What does bother me, is that in my mind that's not 'normal' and I have a thing about all my abnormallities as it is.

The real truth is everybody has their problems and insecurities and everybody does dumb things sometimes. I don't think many of us are that different really. It's just most people would rather share their successes than remind you of when they totally embarrassed themselves in public LOL.

For example if you had to leave church, people 'might' wonder where you were going or why, but do you think they would still be thinking about it an hour later?? I doubt it. People are too concerned with their own issues.

I wish for you that you would keep trying to go out and work with yourself gently on this because when you give in to comfort it gets worse. What you focus on is what you get more of.

Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend. Would you constantly say 'Your dumb', or 'You don't have anything to say of interest' ~ You wouldn't would you? But you are mean to yourself like that! Be your own friend, Be nice to you and keep working on it.

If you want to read a good book try ~ You can heal your life by Louise L Hay.

And when you have a panic attack don't buy into it, check it straight away, feel it coming and instead of panicing some more, take some big deep breaths, slowly so you don't hyperventilate and keep telling yourself 'This WILL pass soon' , 'I'm OK, I'm safe' and it will go ~ I know I have them ALL the time ;)

HUGS to you!

Stick with it!

:hug2:
 
#11 ·
Dana these ladies are wonderful, and you are too. Looks like all of us feel awkward,lol. It means we care and have feelings. That's a good thing.:)
Things are pretty quiet where I live and besides my own family usually the only people I talk to are when I do my shopping. Then I have some fun. Little by little I started talking to people. Wow those are nice mushrooms. Boy that wind is blowing. Small talk. We all have that in common unless your some buxom babe who is now on a TV show about Farm life & never heard of Walmart,lol.
Almost everyone we meet has something in common with us. They are shy too.Really. Chit chat can be fun and little by little you can do it too. " Hi, how are you?" is a great start.
If you think it's more than just being nervous go ahead & talk to someone. Taking care of you is a good thing.
Yesterday I started talking to some lady in the produce dept.
I said something about how it takes so long to pick the best veggies for your money & she ended up telling me about her 6 dogs, 3 cats, iguanas etc. she had a zoo. and in less than 3 min of conversation we both walked away with a smile.
Baby steps and a have fun~ you can do this too.:)
 
#12 ·
Although I HATE small talk, I am a schmoozer--it's a big part of my job as a supervisor, keeping people happy and my agency looking good. Give a sincere compliment, or ask a sincere question and you have met someone and started a conversation. I have started hour long discussions with "Those are great shoes, where did you find them...." You never know who it is you will meet-a new best friend, a great business contact or someone who gets an employee discount at a designer shoe company:D It's always worth a minute of your time.----Kellie
 
#13 ·
In my personal life, I hate being in a room full of strangers who are all interacting- like at a party-- and if I can avoid that situation, I will. Church or other events that are more "scripted" don't bother me- there I have a common ground with people ("Gee, wasn't Father Mike long-winded today?") and if nothing else I can always just study my hymnal. ;)

The funny thing is, at work, I have no trouble at all talking to the residents or getting up in front of a room full of people and talking or making a fool out of myself (a regular thing with my job, LOL!). I finally realized that it's because the residents don't care-- they're just glad to be talked to and have someone who listens to them.

I think that applies to everyone-- we all feel uncomfortable to varying degrees, but for most of us, if someone else starts the conversation, we begin to warm up a little. Now I make a conscious effort to be the "starter" in group situations, but, still, it doesn't come easily to me.

Dana: If therapy seems like something that would help, try it. It can't hurt. The therapist might be able to give you some strategies to fend off those panicky feelings so that you can enjoy going out again. :hugz:
 
#14 ·
Yes, I'm a very shy person, and when I meet strangers, I often just sit there with a smile on my face without saying much.

It makes it harder now that I'm a SAHM too--I often feel like I live in a bubble and can't relate to the "outside world"
 
#15 ·
People say i look mad when they meet me, but i am not mad, i am just desperately trying not to say something "dumb". I Just sit there, lol. Well, most times. I don't get out all that often, because I don't like crowds, and i have panic issues while driving. soooooo... I therefore don't go out all that often.:( (Among other reasons)

I know the SAHM bubble very well. I don't have anything in common with a lot of our old friends. At least i seem to have less interst in the old things i did long ago (going out to a club to dance now and then, shopping, malls, so on)
 
#16 ·
Dana, :hug2: :hug2: I wish I could make it better for you. I think you have a good idea to see a therapist or see your dr. if you suspect your medication dosage is not accurate for you.

Sara, CJ and the others had very good advice to give. All I can say, is take care of yourself and concentrate on what makes you happy.

As for myself, I am not a shy person, in general. I used to love to be surounded by people and socialize alot, but with time, I have realized not everyone makes me happy and I don't want to spend time with people whom don't enrich my life. I also have been hurt by some people just because my son Daniel was not an easy boy in school, I have been judged on keeping my handicapped aunt (as if it had been an easy choice for me and did it on purpose to destroy my kids' life)...I noticed when people don't like what you do and don't respect you, they just reject you, but those who care and respect you, even if they don't agree what you do, they remain kind and respectful...

...anyhow, all this to say, I am careful now, in my life with who I can spend time with and often I prefer my little Frugal village because everyone here is so kind.

We love you Dana.:heartsm: and we are here for you. :grouphug:
 
#17 ·
:hugz: Sweetie! I'm a very outgoing and social person by nature, but get freaked out by crowds and hate to stand up in front of a group of people. I did however go into teaching and had no problem with my students or their parents. Strange huh????:confused: I also have panic attacks and find that a change of scenary does wonders for me. I'm most content when I'm with a few close friends or family (ok, the family members that don't bug me;) ) and I love having friends here at the Village that I can pour my heart out to and share with.

I think getting counseling is a wonderful idea because they can help you learn to cope with and overcome some of your fears. I'm very thankful for the time I spent in counseling and it really did help change my outlook on life!!!!:)

I'm here for you and I think that you are a wonderful, talented, loving and caring person and feel so blessed by you!
 
#18 ·
A big thank you to all you wonderful ladies for your kind words and support. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
I can't begin to tell you how much it has meant to me to be able to talk about my problem and to have received so much understanding and kindness from everyone here. You all are truly angels :angel2:

I'm happy to say that I made it through Sunday school ok this morning with only slight anxiety :) And I have checked out a book from the library dealing with social phobias that I am finding helpful. Right now I plan on taking things really easy and doing as much reading and research as I can to see if I can help myself. If things continue as they are or get worse I will seek therapy. I think I've been too hard on myself and expecting too much from myself and others. I'm trying to tell myself that it's ok to be shy and not be outgoing, everyone is different and God created me as an introvert. And I'm telling myself that everyone gets embarassed sometimes and no one is perfect. I think I just spend so much time at home as a SAHM that I forget what it's like to be out and around people.
:hugz: to everyone else that has difficulties with socializing, it's really not very easy is it? But I think we are all special people just as we are. What a boring world it would be if we were all exactly the same.
 
#21 ·
I'm with Sara....

We all like you....
I look like an absolute idiot most of the time....


Who gives a flying rat's butt what anyone else thinks - don't let this stupid freakin society we live in dictate how you must feel & act in any given social situation.....I'm at a point where I'm really ready to say the hell with everything......The more I worry about what people are thinking about me, the more I realize that nobody's really thinking about me at all.........
 
#23 ·
:hug2: Dana ...and:hug2: to all with social anxiety...it is so hard to deal with.....I have been this way for 30 years....I had very few friends in school and still have maybe one or two people whom I really can talk to....

crowds really get me too.....I sometimes just want to run out of stores...I've been through therapy and I have learned some things from it but medication has helped me the most....
 
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