Husband Unfaithful

[tracywest]

I caught my husband cheating with the next door neighbor. I am trying to get through this, but its hard. The neighbor still wants to "be friends" but I told her that is not possible. My husband has been staying away and doing everything to gain my trust. But sometimes it just plain hurts. I had told him that she was looking for something else with him but he didn't listen. How can I get the feeling of trust back?

[Kimmomo3]

That is a hard one. I had a trust issue with my DH (drinking) and it just took him being overly good and calling and stuff. Then eventually I just had to trust again and see what happens. He passed! But I just had in my head here is his chance and see what happens. Then each time he was good it just got easier and easier.

So I think it just takes time, of him being "good" and you letting him prove that he will be "good"

The neighbor on the other hand does not deserve to be a freind again. I would just be polite like I would be to someone I didn't know and DH can not have any sort of contact wiht her. That is just for your comfort.

[canadian gardener]

time and continued honesty from your dh. You are right not to trust the neighbor, or be "friends". Friends don't do that to each other. She is just keeping you close to keep an eye on your dh, and slip back in under your radar.

Can you get him to go to some kind of counselling with you?

and one other question, is it possible to move away from the neighbor? Might be better to keep an eye on her too, but it's hard to live like that. It would get you out from seeing her everyday and let you heal a bit.

Trust is earned, and when it's broken it takes time to earn it back.

I don't know if it will help but a book called Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Townsend really helped me after dh and I were deeply hurt a few years ago by an abusive church situation.

I wished I'd had a copy years ago, it would have saved so much pain.

This trust being earned back, they talk about it, and they say a lot of the same common sense things that dr. phil does. Stuff about taking time, not letting someone tell you you are crazy or hyper for insisting on openness and honesty.

Hugs.

[Mom23boys]

tracywest

[Missy]

When my ex Boyfriend years and years and years ago did this to me, I was devistated. Took me a long time to come through it. Certainly i never "got over it". But i got through it.

This is going to sound INCREDIBLY cheesy, but what helped me to center myself and know that it was ok to hurt, and ok to mourn my broken heart. But it was also ok to heal myself! And it was ok to laugh, and be happy someday again. When i felt the worst and needed a pick me up i'd sing or hum a song to myself, just to get centered again. Again, really cheesy. But it helped me.

here's the song i hummed and listened to to center myself. Yes, I know it is cheesy, and no i would never admit it outside of this board, lol!

MICHAEL BOLTON


TIME, LOVE AND TENDERNESS

So you say that you can't go on
Love left you cryin'
And you say all your hope is gone
And what's the use in tryin'
What you need is to have some faith
Shake off those sad blues
Get yourself a new view


Oh, nothing is a sad as it seems, you know
'Cause someday you'll laugh at the heartache
Someday, you'll laugh at the pain
Somehow you'll get through the heartache
Somehow you can get through the rain


CHORUS:
When love puts you through the fire
When love puts you through the test
Nothing cures a broken heart
Like time, love and tenderness
When you think your world is over
Baby just remember this
Nothing heals a broken heart
Like time, love and tenderness
Time, love and tenderness


I understand how you're feeling now
And what you've been through
But your world's gonna turn around
So baby don't you be blue
All it takes is a little time
To make it better
The hurt won't last forever


Oh, all the tears are gonna dry you know
'Cause someday you'll laugh at the heartache
Someday you'll laugh at the pain
You may be down on your luck
But baby that old lucks gonna change


CHORUS:


Baby, oh baby you just need some
You just need some
Time, love and tenderness


Time, love and tenderness
The hurt ain't gonna last forever
Time, love and tenderness
Time, love and tenderness

[keilley]

Is it possible for both of you to get some marriage counselling?

Keilley

[frugalmel]

:hugs:

[heaven]

honey i have no words of wisdom just hang in there and I will pray that everything works out.

[guest2]

and prayers for you. I think that you have been given some really good advice here and I agree that you cannot be friends with your neighbor again. I also think I'd move if at all possible so that the reminder of the cheating is not right in your face each day. Please get counseling with your hubby so that you two can try and work things through.

[Guest1]

BTDT.....

I have four beautiful babies - one of them I did not give birth to - this baby was born as a result of my husband's "outside of our marriage" encounter (call it denial, but I hate the word "affair")....talk about tough things to get through....not telling you this as a way to "cry in my beer" but just to point out that it is possible to get through this! I could choose to see the "infidelity" every time I look at this baby or just love that child.....

Not trying to play the devil's advocate either, but sometimes things like this happen because the partner feels unaccepted - forgiveness will nip that one - nothing says "I accept you for who & what you are" more than forgiveness after a breach of trust.....

What the other gals have said is very true - trust is not something you just give out - and once it's broken, that's it - the earning must begin.....don't dwell.....I know I got wrapped up in the "did you think she was prettier...better in the sack...etc" forget it - you want to know why he did it, because she was easy - period - and unfortunately rather than stay true to a vow, some husband's will go for an easy lay - pardon my crudeness....

I'll stop here because I'm beginning to give you the same thing I got in my group counseling - it ended up with me getting up & walking out - I wasn't there to bash my husband (as it seemed everyone else was) I was there to try to find healing.....

I don't know your religious perspective, but if it weren't for God throughout that time, I would have gone crackers......

Don't know if I've helped or hurt - I'm just real sorry you've had to go through this - you'll get through it, but (& it's totally unfair) it's going to take a lot of work on your part.....

[Guest1]

Oh - and I completely forgot - this "friend" was never your friend to begin with......friends don't sleep with their friends husbands.....

[paelthom]

Time and prayer. Counseling would be great if he will agree to go. As for the other woman, tell her to get lost and stay lost. I don't think you need her friendship.

[Daphne]

I think the ladies have given you some excellent advice....I agree with them. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers to help you through this time.

We are here if you need us!!

[BlessedMommy]

and prayers for you and your husband.

[AmyMCGS]

Originally posted by BushBrigade
Oh - and I completely forgot - this "friend" was never your friend to begin with......friends don't sleep with their friends husbands.....

 

No advice here, just to you!