I really need some help with this one.....This is really long - sorry....

**Guest1** · 04-02-2004, 01:25 PM

Here's a little backgoround to start off with.....

I have a friend - "Flo" - that I haven't known for too long but that I have come to love dearly...she has two boys that I love to pieces....her hubby - "Joe" - is an "all work" type of guy....We all get along well & have fun together, etc.....sometimes Joe gets a little "verbally rough" with Flo & the boys.....and although it ticks me off, that's not the whole problem....Flo has learned to handle this quite well & can smooth things with the boys like a pro....

Here's the problem....
Flo has another friend "Ann" who is recently divorced after 17 years of what she thought was wedded bliss - the two families were stationed together in Germany & the history goes way back....Ann's hubby was fooling around on her while on a Saudi rotation & is marrying his chippie in October - even wants his 16 year old daughter to be the Maid of Honor...

...very sordid...all of Ann's heartbreaks, emotions, etc have fallen onto Flo's shoulders - understandably, that's what friends are for right?! As a result of Ann's issues over this last year & a ½ & what Flo is already going through with Joe, Flo has become one of the most negative people I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with...

As I said, Flo is one of my dear friends - she & I really became close while our husbands were in Iraq ~ Joe was GW's Platoon SGT - but I cannot take her negativity any longer!!

I'm currently going through a "cleansing process" for lack of more eloquence.....I've (God's) stripped me of all manner of needless things, both personal belongings & personal relationships - I no longer keep Ryan, I no longer head the FRG, I've "flung" more than I've kept --- I don't want to "fling" Flo, but she's really, really bringing me down....I can't do it any longer.....She emailed me the other day & said "I feel like we're drifting apart, what's up" and I just kind of skimmed the surface of life, Katie's graduation, etc and used that as my "why I'm so busy" excuse..... but I just received this from her & can't bring myself to respond with anything...

"....you could be my friend who was dumped by her 1sgt husband after 17 yrs of marriage and two kids, for a young lt he hooked up with on his first saudi rotation (after 17 yrs in ADA), who just made sgm and had his chippie pin his rank without his children present, who is marrying his chippie in oct asking his daughter to be the maid of honor, who is b****ing at my friend claiming she is slandering his good name all over post - even in divorce, the military spouse torment does not end...."

I want to rush to her office, yank her up & shake her & tell her to stop looking at everything with such negativity.....her glass cannot be perpetually half empty....she's so quick to measure her perceived misery against Ann's issues that she's completely missing all of the positives.....I realize that Joe is a demanding husband, I know her job is tough, but I also know that there's a million women out there who'd love to have what she has....

Sorry to drone on & on, I just don't know what else to do or say to her without saying "look, let me know when you find your way out of the pit of despair" but I'm running out of upbeat things to throw at her....

**Guest1** · 04-02-2004, 01:45 PM

I just got another email from her...this came after I told her that when GW wakes up (he had Brigade Staff Duty last night) he & I were going to the PX to return some stuff....

"...deb, deb, deb, your so naive how do you know he was on staff duty and not out somewhere with someone..."

I want to rip my hair out!! I can't take it anymore!!!!!

**AmyMCGS** · 04-02-2004, 01:56 PM

Ugh. That's a tough one. I have been in a similar situation with a coworker~ we shared an office, and she was bipolar~ when she was down, it was like nothing on earth was good and she was going to bring everyone down with her. We had the kind of relationship, though, where I could say to her things like "well, you know things always seem better once the weather breaks" (true in her case) or "boy, everything is really bringing you down right now, isn't it?". I'd basically be pointing out her negative mood, and she knew it, and it did stem the flow of comments somewhat.

Does she happen to be Catholic, or at least open to going to church with you? Maybe you could approach her along the lines of, "look, you seem like you're really down lately, when I'm down I find a lot of encouragement through my faith" and try to get her to go with you. Or, if not with you, maybe become more active in her own church

Or maybe send her an inspirational book?

Maybe you just need to tell her that with all the stress in your life, you really need her to be there for you right now. She'll probably come back with something mean about how you have no idea what stress is, but maybe, just maybe, it will make her pause and think.

**AmyMCGS** · 04-02-2004, 01:57 PM

Originally posted by BushBrigade
I just got another email from her...this came after I told her that when GW wakes up (he had Brigade Staff Duty last night) he & I were going to the PX to return some stuff....

"...deb, deb, deb, your so naive how do you know he was on staff duty and not out somewhere with someone..."

I want to rip my hair out!! I can't take it anymore!!!!!

Ok, forget my previous post, you need to get away from her, NOW.

That is a horrible thing to say~ I think at this point I'd have to approach her directly and say something like, "look, I know you have many stressful issues in your life right now, but that's you, and I don't need your negativity projected onto my life"....

Grrrr.... I want to go confront her for you.....

**forestdale** · 04-02-2004, 02:12 PM

From what I can see, this woman is no friend. How dare she imply that your dh is lying to you and carrying on behind your back!

If you really want to keep this woman's friendship you'll have to tell her what you've told us, ie that you can't stand the constant negativity, that it's draining you and you prefer to live your life in a positive mode. But I doubt she'll change.

**lucy979** · 04-02-2004, 02:49 PM

Oh my goodness! Debbie, this woman is in lots of trouble with us here at the village! A friend would not question your husbands activities and his faithfulness to you. I agree that she is just bringing you down and you need to make a clean break.

**Missy** · 04-02-2004, 02:50 PM

i would tell her that I would prefer it if she was feeling down if she would not drag me down. And that my marriage is a topic that is off limits to her. Does that sound nasty? I have had to tell someone that used to be close that she has no rights in or about my marriage, and that she could keep her nose out of it. It took a very long time for me to finally retaliate against her constant attack at my dh's integrity and snide remarks. She even attempted to imply that she was the object of his intents. I finally gave up the fight and let the relationship go. She and I do not talk but on very rare occassion. And when we do, it is more a passing hello than anything else.

For the moodiness, I don't know what to say. I know when I am being negative, sometimes it helps to have it pointed out, because often i may not notice it. I had a very low point in my life not too long ago. And it took someone saying, "look, if you are going to be that down, it's ok, but i can't be around you anymore when you are, because you are pulling me down too. And thats's not where I want to be." It at first felt like a slap, but soon i realised it was a pat on the back in it's own right. It was a wake up call to allow myself to be happy.

maybe all this friend needs is a slap...er...pat in the right direction?

**guest2** · 04-02-2004, 03:38 PM

Deb. Okay, after your second post about her questioning your marriage and your husband I'd say run away Deb, far, far away from her!!!! She is no friend if she is saying things like this. You do not need this kind of negativity and stress in your life. I'd just let her know that you have been very hurt by her comments and negativity and although you love her, you cannot be around her anymore and that you wish her well and hope she gets some help!

**MJsLady** · 04-02-2004, 04:35 PM

OK just a quickie cuz I just can't let this pass.
Deb, do you know why I adopted you as my sister? Because my bio one is just lie Flo, right down to the "he is gonna cheat on you". She wouldn't give it up so I walked away.
Sounds like time for you to also.
(btw, I got a better deal with you than I EVER had with her for the 30 years we spoke!)
ok Mj is on his way to take me in.
love you sis

**crdurham** · 04-02-2004, 06:40 PM

I had a situation a few years back with a friend I had since I was in grade school.... we had to end out friendship and after she was gone, I realized how much negativity she was bringing to my life.... dump her...she is no friend!

Tell her that her bad attitude toward life and everything in it is bringing you down and until she works on her own problems and live you are going to distance yourself from her. Thank her for being a friend during the years but tell her you are going to have to let her go.....

Just my two cents.....heres a hug for you!

**i.m.cheap** · 04-02-2004, 07:53 PM

I would not stand for a friend calling me naive, and suggesting my husband was out fooling around when he said he was at work. I would drop her now.

Oh, and if you want to rip someones hair out, make sure it is "Flo's" not yours.

Deb

**heavensent_7** · 04-03-2004, 05:21 AM

I'm normally good at stuff like this but I can't think of anything to say Deb

Not because there isn't an answer of course, probably just because I'm in a bad space myself right now.

I see you have lots of answers though and as we both know our friends here can and will support you all the way.

So my post is pretty useless

I just wanted you to know that I care about you, I read it and I'm thinking of you.

**canadian gardener** · 04-03-2004, 10:14 AM

Your first instinct is correct. Time to let go!

Why?

You aren't a shrink, you can't fix her problems but she seems to want to include you in them, and create problems so you can share the experiance! HMMMMPH!

There was a beaut of a situation right in the front pages of the book Boundaries by Dr's Cloud and Townsend in which the person who was developing boundaries had a friend like this.

Always sucking, never giving back.

Guess what these Christian practicing psychologists taught her to do?

Let go of the "friend" so that this continued dumping of emotion was stopped.

What happened next?

The lady learning boundaries was freed up to really help people around her who needed her, and were making real progress in their lives.

And the "friend" was freed up to reap what she sowed and hopefully wake up as she couldn't sort of pass the pain on, dump it in someone elses lap.

Sometimes God shakes us awake thru pain, and if you are constantly bleeding off the pain, you are getting in the way of God moving in her life to wake her up, shock her enough to change.

You aren't helping her, and you certainly aren't helping you and by the looks of those emails she is trying to hand you a truck load of guilt

she is trying thru that to desperately hang onto you thru MANIPULATION

and she is trying to make you feel as desperate and fearfilled and down as she is.

But if you do climb in the pit with her, this isn't going to help her or you.

For her to climb out she needs other strategies, and you need to back off so she can look for another way out of her misery.

Do you owe her an explanation like this?

Maybe, MAYBE NOT! Kind of depends on how she would take it. It's not going to help either of you if she just wigs out and attacks you some more.

Sometimes all you can do is put some distance in, till they are ready to listen and you are able to put it into words.

That works too, and I suspect that is where you are instinctively leaning by what you said.

I think that is perhaps something that is healthy and good for both of you.

HUGS SWEETIE THAT IS NOT AN EASY SITUATION AT ALL!

**canadian gardener** · 04-03-2004, 11:25 AM

Another thing you are sensing I think is that this friend of yours needs to develop some good boundaries herself, and not to get sucked into the third situation you mentioned with the other friend she is "helping".

she probably feels that by taking all that on, she is "helping" share the burden, but the problem is that kind of burden bearing doesnt' help at all, and you the innocent 3rd party down line is being expected to deal with the load of trash.

Real bearing of one another's burdens involves helping each other see clearly and take effective action.

By climbing into the pit with the other friend, and asking you to basically join them, nothing helpful gets done.

And sadly, sometimes people aren't in a position to listen to truthful observations, or take practical steps till they've had to bear the pain on their own for a while. That is when speaking into the situation works.

Not always in the heat of the crisis, but sometimes later if they ask for help and clarity in a manner that leads you to believe they won't "kill the messenger" so to speak.

Hugs