I need some advice

**forestdale** · 07-01-2004, 09:33 PM

My sister is worrying me at the moment and I'm not sure what to do, if anything. Any suggestions would be welcomed.

Her Dh died suddenly just over a year ago. She is 58 and has 4 sons, three living at home aged from 20 - 29. The fourth son, the eldest, doesn't talk to her and lives alone. She lives in a huge mansion house with six bedrooms, a library, numerous reception rooms, heated swimming pool, etc. You get the picture. Her sons are very manipulative and they expect her to do everything for them and go off at her if she doesn't do what they expect. Her youngest son is also quite verbally abusive and has become violent - which was stopped by her other sons. She works, she has a flower shop that I think she bought as a hobby business and now she's sick of it.

Her youngest son was caught driving without a licence and with drugs (dope) a few weeks ago and because this is his second offence he has to go to rehab. this is sending her nuts. I've told her that she should tell them all to leave, to get on with their lives and for her to sell the house and get something smaller - either where she is or near me. She says the house has lots of memories for her and she doesn't want to sell it.

Everyday she rings with some problem and I always feel frustrated because she rarely takes any advice I give her. She looks really tired and she's always losing things and forgetting everything. Her car was broken into last week and her purse stolen - she left it on the seat of the car! Now she can't get a new licence because she can't find her passport. She said she can't relax, she doesn't sleep well and she feels like she wants to be dead. I asked her if she wanted to kill herself and she said she didn't but she wished she was dead. I don't understand it at all because I've never been depressed but I feel I should do something.

She's flying up next wednesday to spend a week with us. I thought I'd take the opportunity to talk to her about how she's coping and that she should tell her sons to go and make a life for themselves. Any thoughts?

**SusieJD** · 07-01-2004, 09:40 PM

Sometimes Bethany, it's probably just a good thing that you are there for her. Maybe she needs someone that will just listen. The trip she's making up to see you may be a good oportunity for her to really ask for your help.

God Bless and I'll be praying for your dear sister.

Susie in MN

**Missy** · 07-01-2004, 11:40 PM

I don't know what to say. perhaps giving her a place to go where her sons are going to manipulate her, where she is safe, is the very best thing for her right now.

**CatherineID** · 07-01-2004, 11:47 PM

The sad news is without a driver's license or passport, she won't be able to get on a plane. She has to have a picture ID.

No, she won't take any of your advice. She's just calling to complain. Listening to her woes is how you're helping her. She doesn't want to change anything because dealing with her sons' problems is giving her life. Yelling and threats aren't the best way to get attention, but it IS attention.

I don't know what you can do to help her. I'd be worried about her being abused financially. Her children could be robbing her blind. It's so scary that she may not be left with much retirement at all.

Good luck. Good thing she has you!

**Julia Kimber** · 07-02-2004, 01:13 AM

I don't know what to suggest Bethany, I just hope and pray that everything turns out OK for her.

Julia

**SewCrafty** · 07-02-2004, 07:54 AM

Bethany

for you and your sister.

My sister lost her husband to suicide 6 years ago. She also lived in an extrememly huge home, just her and her cat. We couldn't talk her into selling and moving to someplace smaller. She finally did it on her own last year. The time was right for her. All I know is pushing your sis isn't going to make her do anything, it may make her dig her heels in a little deeper.

Saying anything about her sons probably won't help either. As bad as they are treating her, she is thier mother and will protect them no matter what age they are and how badly they are treating her. She may speak against them, but she really doesn't want to hear it from someone else, even you her sis.

I'm glad she is coming to stay with you. Just some quiet time away from her sons to put things in perspective in her mind might be all she needs to make the changes she has to herself. Just be there for her.

I hope things work out and you both have a lovely visit.

**homesteadmamma** · 07-02-2004, 08:41 AM

Originally posted by SewCrafty
Bethany for you and your sister.

My sister lost her husband to suicide 6 years ago. She also lived in an extrememly huge home, just her and her cat. We couldn't talk her into selling and moving to someplace smaller. She finally did it on her own last year. The time was right for her. All I know is pushing your sis isn't going to make her do anything, it may make her dig her heels in a little deeper.

Saying anything about her sons probably won't help either. As bad as they are treating her, she is thier mother and will protect them no matter what age they are and how badly they are treating her. She may speak against them, but she really doesn't want to hear it from someone else, even you her sis.

I'm glad she is coming to stay with you. Just some quiet time away from her sons to put things in perspective in her mind might be all she needs to make the changes she has to herself. Just be there for her.

I hope things work out and you both have a lovely visit.

Dee said it all.

**Darlene** · 07-02-2004, 08:58 AM

Dee put into words what I could not.

I do think a quick smack upside the head of a few certain nephews from their dear auntie would be good too. They should be on their own.

Sorry, she's still hurting so.

Sorry too that you are feeling so unable to make things all better.

I also eccho the thoughts for you two to have a lovely visit. Stepping back from the day to day can really put a different light on the way we see ourselves and our lives. Wishing you all my best.

**canadian gardener** · 07-02-2004, 11:20 AM

Bethany she sounds like she is slipping deeper and deeper into depression, and it's complicated by stress.

I agree she may be allowing a lot of pain, even though it's making her worse, rather like an alcoholic, she is addicted maybe to the pains, as they tell her she is still alive.

It's a horrifying way to live. And the very pain and stress she is courting with her sons, is making it worse, even though it's bringing temporary relief.

All you can do is be there for her, But and it's a big but, you may have to limit the amount of time she cries on your shoulder simply for your own sanity.

If she needs more she needs to see a pro for her sake and for yours as well. If she was drowning, and pulled you under, you drown too, and can't help her. This is kind of like a water lifesaving situation where you have to stay secure yourself so you both don't drown together.

Maybe it's an idea to get her checked into a local hospital near you for some intensive therapy for a little time. Or perhaps you maybe could call the local mental health society and find out what the treatment options are should she agree to some help.

For right now she probably doesn't have the strength to arrange it herself.

Professional help will help her see what she is allowing others to do to her, and will help her draw up the strength to deal with it.

But it's probably not what she is ready to hear.

Maybe the way to get her there is to talk about going to a professional in order to deal with grief work.

I remember flylady talked about how her friends got her to go to a professional when she was severely depressed and didn't know it. One friend got her to go with her to the pro she was seeing, and once there the pro was able to get flylady to check herself into hospital.

Flylady went with her friend because the friend told flylady she wanted a friend to go with her and out of compassion flylady did. It was the only way.

After that flylady apparently managed to figure out that her former abusive husband was making her feel worse, and she made a lot of changes in her life. Eventually she formed the flylady site which has helped lots of women bring order out of chaos.

The forgetfullness is related to brain chemistry under stress and depression. High levels of cortisol, the stress hormone make it almost impossible to form short term memory (where I left my purse).

She probably can't physically form the short term memory in order to remember what your advice was.

she may need to go on some antidepressants in order for any therapy to have some lasting effects.

Again, something the professionals are best at.

Doesn't mean you can't be there for her, but it's not her fault she can't remember stuff you said to her, nor can she even contemplate doing stuff to limit her sons behaviour right now.

**dz_blonde_girl** · 07-02-2004, 11:37 AM

Well said, Dee.

Here's a huge

for you, Bethany.

**mrscornbread** · 07-02-2004, 11:51 AM

I think that it has all been said well Bethany. I will keep you and your sister in my prayers. I know for me, my sister can make everything better, hope things get better soon.

**forestdale** · 07-02-2004, 04:06 PM

Thank you all so much for the advice and the kind thoughts. I love my sister very much and it does hurt me to see her like this. Since our parents died she has relied on me to give her the wise advice that our dear mother always did. Even though she is my elder sister, she's always asked me for my opinion about lots of things and this has increased a lot since her DH died. I hope I don't let her down.

DH and my sister get on really well so I've arranged a couple of dinners out and she and I will go to look at a few gardens and walk on the beach. She arrives next Wednesday so I'll keep you posted as to what, if anything, happens.