Advice about Ex and Emails

**Tootsiebella** · 07-10-2004, 07:01 AM

I have never considered putting such a personal situation out in this manner before, but I have come to the end of my rope about the matter. The problem is so frustrating, hurtful, and upsetting, that I don't know where else to turn anymore- so-here goes...
I have two lovely sons from my first marriage; ages 15 and 13. We have a great relationship despite the fact that they live in the US with my ex-husband, and I live in the UK with my 2nd husband. We have been married for six years, and when the custody issue was decided, my ex and I both thought it was best for the boys to stay with him at that time- I have maintained constant communication with them, and go to see them, or they come to see me as frequently as possible. A few years ago, they wanted to come to live with me over here, but my ex did not want to allow it and though he promised that they could come the following summer to stay, it never worked out. By that time, they had changed their minds about it, and I figured that the situation had turned out for the best, even though I have always missed them desperately and ALWAYS let it be known to my ex as well as my sons that I would have them with me in a hearbeat if I could.
I have NEVER missed a holiday or special occasion without sending cards, gifts, etc, and I have spoken to them on the phone nearly every single week for the past seven years. Now, I realize this is not enough- I should be there for them, and would like to very much- but it is not as simple as picking up and relocating. My ex was in the military, and as such moved a lot. Over the years, he has been quite flighty in many areas of his life, and I do not trust that he would not pick up and move again the minute we resettled.
However, this is not the major problem at the moment. The problem that I so much wish to solve is that he, my ex, has for all these years used the email as a means to berate, criticize, put me down, and pretty much verbally abuse me.
The email was meant to be a means of communication to keep in better contact with regard to the boys, travel arrangements, etc. However, despite many, many attempts on my part to rectify the sitation with him by either- trying to write common sense back to him, or tell him that I am not going to tolerate him treating me this way- or on some occasions, doing battle right back to him- the situation just continues. He has said some really horrible things, and it is not easy to just try to forget the things he says. It has caused me so much hurt and stress, but I have put up with it because of the boys.
The easy answer would be to simply block him and try to communicate via the phone, but he makes even that difficult. He is very patronizing on the phone, and sometimes downright aggressive. It's a tough situation, and my husband and I have been dealing with it for years.
I guess what I am hoping for is some kind of ideas that I have not tried before- I know that sometimes when one is too close to a situation, it's hard to "see the forest for the trees." I would be grateful for any advice offered that might help me with this very difficult situation

**AmyMCGS** · 07-10-2004, 09:52 AM

Wow, that is a hard one.

What about changing your email address so that only the boys know the "real" one? That way your ex could still email his rants and raves to your old one but you could just delete them all.

That's all I can think of, but the rest of the gals here might have some good ideas.

**lucy979** · 07-10-2004, 11:13 AM

I wish I had some good advice for you. I'm sure someone here will though. So in lew of advice I'm sending hugs.

**Guest1** · 07-10-2004, 12:12 PM

Are either or both of you represented by an attorney??

If not - I have no advice other than letting him know that this will not be tolerated....

If so - forward his abusive emails to either/both attorneys, then BCC both attorneys when you reply to the ex and state, "please discontinue corresponding with me in this manner...we should be trying to get along as amicably as possible where the boys are concerned...anything beyond the boys is not tolerated & should cease & desist immediately....if you refuse to cooperate with me on this, I will file a Class (um-I think it's 3) misdemeanor charge against you & file papers for harassment...."
Now - unless he's a yutz, once he finds out that his attorney is wise to his true colors, he should back down.....

HTH!

**Guest1** · 07-10-2004, 12:24 PM

Sorry - I probably should've stated that I too am really sorry that you have to go through this.....it's amazing how both parties always agree that they want to do what's best for the babies, then almost without fail, one side will pull crap like ^that^.....kind of makes you wonder who the chid really is.....

**isaacsmommy** · 07-10-2004, 12:43 PM

I'm sorry to hear about this...my dh's ex-wife has been very difficult to deal with and has also been verbally abusive. The best advise I can give you is to follow Debbie's advice and also print out a copy of every single e-mail he sends. People do not realize the words they write in an e-mail message have the same power as when they are orally said. That being said, I would urge you never to stoop to his level again....it just means that you're verbally harassing him right back.

My only advise as to what approach you should take with him is to explain that words are sometimes miscontrued over e-mail and real meanings aren't always evident. Maybe you could agree that when there is a big disagreement, you can discuss things via the phone so that you're both clear on each other's meanings. Hope that made sense.

Anyway, I know it's a difficult situation, and I'm sorry to say I'm afraid it might not get any better. Just keep documentation of all of your correspondence - good, bad, or otherwise - just in case you need it in the future.

**Guest1** · 07-10-2004, 12:46 PM

Absolutely!!
I forgot to add that an email is court-admissable document....
Keep them all & keep yours clean!!

**gkp1031** · 07-10-2004, 01:00 PM

Sorry that you have to put up with this. I would keep records/copies of everything. Debbie and Wendy gave great advice.

**canadian gardener** · 07-10-2004, 01:30 PM

Debbies advice is excellent. Keep copies, keep your side of the exchanges clean and spotless and deal with it legally.

**Mom23boys** · 07-10-2004, 01:34 PM

I think the ladies gave you some great advice. I am sorry that you are placed in this situation.

**SewCrafty** · 07-10-2004, 03:19 PM

**guest2** · 07-11-2004, 12:45 AM

I'm so sorry that your ex is being so horrible. I do think though that you have gotten some good advice here. Praying this situatuion will be resolved soon for you.

**Tootsiebella** · 07-11-2004, 05:56 AM

Thank you ever so much for all your advice and hugs. Debbie, believe it or not, your advice was better than the local police department's where he lives! I do not have an attorney, but what I have done is given him a final ultimatum- either keep the emails about the boys only, or I will be blocking his address permanently.
My husband and I are in the process of planning a move back to the US- it will take us awhile though, as their is his immigration to sort out, ( he is British,) and financially, it is expensive. We both feel it is best for the kids in the long run. If he does cause further trouble, and we have no reason to believe he will not, then an attorney will be involved. ( I have kept almost every single email) just in case, and fortunately, all my emails to him have been for the most part, clean, and to the point in response.
Thank you all for your help.. It's nice to know there's such a great group of girls all in each other's corners- but then, I knew I could count on you all anyway! Blessings....

**Jerseygirl** · 07-25-2004, 05:46 PM

Also. consider getting a prepaid international phone card to your boys so they can call you from a friend's house and speak openly without him there or knowing he could be listening. Good luck--Kellie