I'm not sure where i"ve gone wrong

**kimmee** · 10-03-2004, 01:16 AM

or if I have....

My ex's parents are extremely wealthy and my ex (Bob) has always gotten what ever he could out of them - which I have no problem with - thats him. Lately though my daughter (Aimee 12) thinks anytime she wants something that if I don't buy it (or can't - and she respect's that) then she'll just call Grandma and "work" for it - work entails unpacking the Christams Village for $30 or helping with dinner for $15. Aimee knows this is ludicrous but she still says well I know Grandma will do it - IE whatever thing she wants is more important than what she knows is ridiculous...I am really unsure how to deal with this - Aimme is a really good girl and will work for a fair amount at our house but I kindof feel like she is not being genuine and really sucking up an opportunity (I guess like her dad always did) Am I being fair to think this is wrong - or should I view it as one of life's many advantages. I feel like she's using Grandma - even though Grandma is not an intrinsically GOOD person.

I should further elaborate that Aimee has NO neeeds and she gets extras all of the time - if I have a dollar its hers - i just spent 6weeks looking for a pair of pants she wanted- found them and bought them and they were $45~!!

**Goodwin17** · 10-03-2004, 01:52 AM

I'm not a parent, but I'm very certain that this is nothing you have done. I can tell from everything I read that you are an excellent mother! I really don't have any good advice, thought I wish I did. I can tell you this though, I have no doubt whatsoever that your children will grow up to be excellent adults, because you are a great mom!

**kimmee** · 10-03-2004, 01:58 AM

I think I love you! LOL

**AmyMCGS** · 10-03-2004, 12:11 PM

You've shown her how to work hard to earn the money for things she wants. If she can earn the money faster from Grandma, I'm not surprised that she takes that opportunity-- what kid wouldn't? I think it's great that she EARNS the money, even if the jobs/ pay rate are a little crazy. I don't think you've done anything wrong at all.

Is there any chance that Aimee would agree to put the "extra" Grandma gives her into the bank, and keep only the reasonable portion (ie: what she would have been paid for that job at home) towards her desired item? That way Grandma still gets to indulge her, but Aimee sees that she still has to work and save to get the things she wants.

**nodmicks** · 10-03-2004, 12:35 PM

My Grandma was the same way with us. My Mom is the same way with my kids(10$ for moving empty boxes.)
My kids get 3$ allowance for keeping their rooms up and general helping out etc. Then we have other jobs for more $ if they choose.
They seem genuinely pleased to get $$ they actually earned so I'm not worried! I just figure Grandma are supposed to be that way!
Anyway look at it this way. If you could work for someone making 15$ for helping cook for a bit wouldn't you.
I don't think you or I have went wrong in any way! We have normal kids!

**Goodwin17** · 10-03-2004, 01:09 PM

Hehe Kimmie!! Thanks. Amy has a good idea. Perhaps she could open up a savings account (if she doesn't already have one), and save for something big she really wants. It would give her a sense of accomplishment when she gets the money out of the bank, and hands it pay for something she really wants.

**forestdale** · 10-03-2004, 03:30 PM

Kimmee, you didn't do anything wrong, your ex-husband did - by teaching his daughter that grandma is a pushover.

I think that most of the things that kids do for their family should not be paid for. They are part of that family and they should work to contribute to the family's wellbeing. I believe it is normal for kids to be selfish, they have to be taught generosity and hopefully they learn it from the example set by their parents. Kim, you are setting that example, your ex is not, so Aimee is taking the easy way out and following him, not you.

If Aimee wants something extra, she should really work for it. Get herself a little job, NOT something you pay her to do, and save the money for what she wants. And she should offer to do chores for granny for nothing. That will teach her generosity and it will show her grandma that Aimee isn't milking the cash cow like her father. She won't miss out on grandma's money, her generosity will show later. But in the meantime you've got a daughter who is learning early in life that we have to work for what we get and that developing a generous attitude builds self esteem and life skills.

**kimmee** · 10-03-2004, 04:34 PM

This has all been really good feedback and gives me plenty to think about - thank you very much. We have actually just opened a savings account for Aims and half of her allowance has to go in there every week. at the end of the year she needs to either donate a percentage to charity or work for the charity for that general amount - which she likes to do anyway at the mission.

**guest2** · 10-03-2004, 04:41 PM

Kimmee,
You are doing an excellent job raising your daughter. She is learning to work for what she wants and to be generous in her giving also.

**pita1213** · 10-03-2004, 09:30 PM

you already got good advice so i'll just agree with the other ladies that you aren't doing anything wrong. and aimee is proving that by working for the money grandma gives her. even if she is very overpaid for the tasks, she is still working for it and not just trying to mooch off grandma.

**Milhos** · 10-04-2004, 10:30 AM

Originally posted by AmyMCGS

Is there any chance that Aimee would agree to put the "extra" Grandma gives her into the bank, and keep only the reasonable portion (ie: what she would have been paid for that job at home) towards her desired item? That way Grandma still gets to indulge her, but Aimee sees that she still has to work and save to get the things she wants.

She could put the rest into her "what dad could be putting in" college account. No reason why he couldn't unpack the Christmas village.