Something that I am empty about...

[kimmee]

When I talked to my long lost best friend the other day - she brought up my dad. It stroke a chord but I don't know which one. She had just lost her dad and she said well - I turn to you cuz you lost Toddy and your dad.

Toddy hurt - Toddy was my world when I was little. To watch him deteriorate and then eventually pass a t 40 killed me. I still dream that we buried him alive and wake up crying. My dad on the other hand was different. I was his favorite out of four kids. He made no bones about it. He stank like scotch and cigarettes and was really mean to my brother (kip) Calling him real nicely over to him and then beating him for something he hadn't done. My mom kept kip's hair really long and put it up on curlers everynight and my dad saw it onbe night and damn near beat him to death. As I got older and more defiant to my parents and their nutty ways I would speak out and my dad would punch me straight in the face! NEVER HIT ANYONE IN THE FACE, THAT IS THE ONE THING THAT TELLS A KID WITH NO UNCERTAINTY THAT THEY ARE UNLOVEABLE. One day he was holding me against the wall by my throat trying to choke me and toddy, whom he didn't know was there, stepped around the corner and grabbed his arms. My dad dissolved into a puddle on the floor crying and telling Toddy he was his favorite! (yeah, You should see the kinds of things dad did to Toddy) anyway - one night when dad was drunk he had all this money in his wallet that was probably from pool winnings - I was 13 and Kip was 12 - we took dad to the airport with his passport , bougth him a ticket to Mexico City - He said he wanted to go to south America to dig for Diamonds! Close enough - we left him there and never saw him again. I moved out on my own the following week.

When I had Damon - he was born on my dad's birthday - so I located my dad and we talked a little and I told him about the kids. He died a few months later - a horrible death - he lived in Seattle and it was when all of the storms and power outs were going on - I think '96 - His friends dropped him off drunk and he passed out after dropping his keys on the porch - he froze too death.

As a person, that is a horrible way to go -unloved uncared for. But I am empty - I have no genuine feelings. This has plagued me for all this time. I know I sound heartless and I desperately seek some sort of closure - but it is just empty.

You know something funny, Bruce stinks like scotch and cigarettes too, it sometimes makes me think of when I was really little.

[canadian gardener]

Kimmee maybe the feelings got all worn out and used up with all that you went thru, the stuff they put you thru.

you know, a person can respect the biological fact that someone donated their genetic material in a moment of passion

but that's the end of it.

People earn the right to be a parent by being a real parent. And they lose the right to be a parent when they act like you parents did to you.

I don't know if you've gone thru any therapy over it all, if you haven't, it's a gift to yourself, a kindness you deserve.

Bottom line is you are worth a tremendous amount.

You are a decent kind and caring person. You rose beyond your roots. Your mother is still stuck in her nastiness, but you've comitted yourself to doing whatever it takes to make your kids' lives better.

But you aren't just a good mother and a caring person.

You are Kimmee, and there is only one you. You've chosen to live like a moral and generous person and your values will live on in your kids because you care about passing on good things.

I know you aren't a christian, and can't help that I am so I hope it won't offend you to say that God values you.

It's something I truly believe, that the value of a person isn't just in their goodness but it's something to do with the price that God's son paid on the cross to redeem people from the garbage that other humans value us as at times, from being valued as throwaway items.

But if that bothers you, just take this, that you are more than just your ethical and kind self, your worth is greater than diamonds and rubies, you are a one of a kind, there is nobody else who can be you, or take your place.

[Darlene]

You've had a different loss than me & went through a hell I didn't but I can understand a lot of that empty feeling.
To me it's the what could have, should have but didn't feelings. My family was different than all the rest. I lost my dad at 13(i was the oldest of 5) and was left with a woman who took to drinking to cope. I was the lucky one who went to live with family I never met before, clear across the country. My sisters & brother were left to deal with the mess my mother made their lives. Then lost mom & a sister to suicide & brother to a wacky infection that took him in his 20's.
Can't go back Kimmee, can't change a thing. All the wishing in the world isn't gonna make it OK. The only thing you can do is make sure your kids have a family life that they can look back on & smile. Remember the good and the rest isn't worth the time...let it go and live each & every moment for you & yours, enjoying as much as you can and making some people smile along the way.
Wishing you the best.

[guest2]

Kimmee

Honey, you have been through so much in your life and have overcome tremendous hurdles. It's not uncommon for people that have been abused to feel "empty" about their abuser. You were robbed of a good life as a child and were in survival mode. You did what you had to do just to survive. Don't feel guilty about your feelings towards your father. Sometimes we have to stay in our "empty" feelings space so the hurt and anger does not overtake us.

[forestdale]

Kimmee, I agree with all the above - you have to earn respect and through that, love often grows. Having empty feelings about your father's death doesn't make you a bad person, I think it's normal. How could you feel any differently about someone who abused you?

Darlene has just said some sad things about her upbringing too. I know a lot of people who had tough childhoods and when my father died, the only reason I went to his funeral was becasue my sister wanted me to be there. I was lucky that I had a brillant, wondeful mother.

You can't change the past but I believe you are the person you are because of it. You've become a kind, intelligent and caring woman - not because you father and mother abused you as a child but because you've seen that sadness and decided that that was not what you wanted in your life.

I'm 56 and I know that at some point you just let go of past things that make you sad and empty. You still know them, but they fail to affect you in negative ways. I hope that point comes for you soon.

[heaven]

Kimmie, I feel empty all the time over everythingI understand what you are going though.
I am just starting to feel emotions sad hu. I don't have any advice just wanna let you know I am here if you need me, Heaven

[captclearance]

I too had empty feelings when my Father passed.. I understand..
It's just a chapter in a book that is finished now, you are smart enough to have taken away some very good things from all of that wrong...... Many people let it scar them and turn them into that thing they hate....... You came away from all of that with the ability to do better for your children than you got ...... You are a wonderful Mother !
The opposite of love isn't hate ..... It's indifference....
Remember that the best revenge to those that have wronged you is livin' good........ Continue to live good and be happy with yourself. Be proud of how far away you've come on your own from where they would have left you.....

[kimmee]

wow! I am in tears...

[Goodwin17]

I totally agree with what everyone is saying. It's so normal to feel empty when someone who treated you like that dies. You aren't a bad person for it, you're human. I have many for you. Although I never went through physical abuse, I did go through a good deal of emotional and psychological abuse. I will not feel much when my stepfather dies. You can't change how your father treated you, but know that you are a good person, and that's all that really matters in this world.

[mrscornbread]

I dont even know how to respond, since all of my friends have done such an eloquent job. Kimmee, the more I read your posts, the more I am amazed by your strngth. I searched my whole life to replace a father's love I lost as a child. I was one of the lucky ones who got the second chance, but I must say that although I would have lived with some regret over the relationship I shared (or didnt share) with my father, I would still be putting one foot in front of the other. I think it really is the trials and tribulations that we face, and how we deal with them later that really matters.

I have been reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and Habit #2 says that you should live your life with the end in mind, meaning that you should think of the way you want to be remembered by those you leave behind. You are so much more than the hand you were dealt. I only pray that you can see your own inner beauty and self worth.

[dz_blonde_girl]

kimmee.

I've also lost a terribly abusive father. It's been 5 years this month, on the 19th.

I'm not so sure that we don't have the feelings. I think we unconsciously supress them; some because they are socially unacceptable, some because they make us feel like bad people, some because they hurt too much.

For me the key was forgiveness. I had to forgive him for what I thought he had done to me. Through that process I was able to identify what I was feeling and why.

I'm sorry I'm not good with words. I did start a thread on forgiveness in the religion forum when I started the process.

[Michele Annette]

Kimmee, I wish there was somthing I could add to what all of these wonderful ladies have already touched on. You are a very strong, loving, caring, giving, moral and sencere person. I wish you the best with what you are dealing with.