Need to vent about oldest daughter-vent long

[rebecca]

I am so angry with my daughter right now I could scream. I do not know where her head is at. Here I was doing really good about saving money for the last year and I finally disconnected her cell phone. Her bill was $144.96! I ended up disconnecting it. In order to disconnect it I have to pay $175. She is paying me $20 every two weeks, but I still had to dip in my funds. I thought maybe with her having a job and having a cell phone she would be a little more responsible! Was hoping! I told her that this really put a dent in my savings for the next couple of months until she paid me off and she said what are we poor? I looked at her and told her that the only person at this point was her making me poor. She is 16 years old and I am starting to find out that she is very irresoponsible person. Half the time she doesn't do her homework which when her report card comes in there mostly E's and D's. Was skipping school in the 9th and 10th grade so she is on probation from skipping school. She is in 11th grade right now and could of been off probation last June, but skipped the last week during exam week. Have taken her to a counselor. If she was on drugs or drinking maybe I could get to the bottom of this, but she has to do a random drug testing while she is on probation. Negative so far. I have tried to talk to her about her future and my family has tried to talk to her and it does not seem to sink in. I told her the other day the rate she is going with her grades she will end up working in a restaurant the rest of her life if she doesn't improve her grades. What is so sad is that my daughter is very intelligent and has the personality to go a long ways, but she is just ruining her life! She will lie to you and it's hard to tell if she is telling the truth. Also, twice I have caught her going in my purse. So, have to hide my purse. When this first started with her I used to have a fit, but now it's to the point where I told her that she will have to make the decisions on what she wants to do with her life. Right now I don't like my daughter, love her yes, back her up, yes, but she is old enough where she will have to take responsiblity for her life. It's hard as a parent to see your child wasting her life away. She is very disrespectful to me and her sister at times. I just don't get it. She was not taught to be disrespectul. I have always told the my girls that to get ahead in life was to get a good education. I have tried to be positive with her when she does something good or if she does something that is wrong I will ask her what she thinks she could of done to avoid what she did. Will answer me appropiatly (sp), but continues to do it. Most of her friends she hangs out with get good grades, so I don't get it. I have grounded her and it seems to do no good. Thank goodnesss her sister is the totally opposite. She is respectul, knows the consequences of her actions, and does good in school. I do not compare them, which my mom used to do with us kids, but I could not go through the hell I am going with my oldest daughter. Don't get me wrong my youngest daughter can be a stinker at times, but I do expect a little bit of this behavior, but at least she learns from her actions and tries to correct them. Sorry this is so long, but I just had to vent.

[baxjul]

Here is a big I hope everything turns out okay for you!!!! Thinking of you

[Darlene]

I'm sorry Rebecca, these teen years lot's of times are trying at best and really lousy when it's like this. Sure did like those days when I could recognise that child i remembered, I knew they were in there, just didn't see them as often. Out of my 2 my dd and I didn't get along for the longest time. Nothing I said or did was right. I let some stuff slide and others I fought for (picked my battles) and it wasn't easy but we got through it and have a good relationship today. I didn't have the harder problems like bad grades and skipping school to deal with like you though.

One thing I want you to know is that you are not alone, there are other Mom's here who have been where you are and will be able to help you with the tough love kind of stuff she probably needs and may have ideas on what to do. Also want you to know this does not in any way mean you are a bad parent or failed in any way. Many parents go through this. Where do you think those grey hairs come from?

Sending you a big Mom to Mom hug and hope that you'll be seeing more & more of the daughter you remember, more often.

[paelthom]

Please come here and vent anytime. Being a parent is the toughest job in the world. I cringe to think that it's only a short while until I have a teenager. Sending you a big hug.

[guest2]

I have 3 teens and I too worry about their futures at times.

[nodmicks]

Hugs!!!!! Your a good Mom and doing your best!

[mrscornbread]

Rebecca, it is so funny that we sometimes find comfort in knowng that there are other families that are having the same problems. My two sons, especially the youngest one is frankly more than I can handle. As mothers, we just dont have the option of giving up. I have Shane in counseling twice a week and then another day for myself to try and get through his terrible teen years. He breaks my heart on a daily basis. I will never give up, but sometimes in order to keep my sanity, there are days when I do. Maybe you too need a few of those days. I have older children too, and one daughter in particular who is about to turn 27. She gave me some hard times growing up (nothing like Shane, but hard none-the less) She has blossomed into a wonderful young woman and mother. I am not good at quoting scripture, but somewhere in the bible is says something like raise a child in the ways that are right and they will not depart from it. (sorry, if anyone knows how it really goes please share )

Rebecca, I believe that this is why God made women SO STRONG, because it is us who bear the burden and heartache. Just like Shane, your daughter must learn that there are consequences for every action or at least a reaction to every action. I am just going to stop trying to fix everything for my sons. I figure if they fall, they will either have to get up and try again or die. I dont believe that they will die, so they WILL get up. I have had some REALLY hard times as an adult and even harder as a young adult. I have realized that everything that I went through has brought me to the place I am now in my life and they will eventually get there, so will your girl. Try a hands off approach, but my advice is to somehow make her accountable to someone else with some authority ( counselor maybe) and dont help her with excuses at all. I know how much we want to help our kids, but I am realizing that sometimes helping actually cripples them.

I am a pm away if you ever just need to vent, hang in there, it MUST get better eventually

[pip]

I have three kids, two whom are teenagers. I do understand the heartbreak thing. Frequently, they are not the children they were raised to be, and it's hard to even recognize who they are. I truly believe that if we can just GET THROUGH these years and still have some kind of loving relationship with them, it will work out. Kind of like, they need to get to the age of reason to get it all together. I have lowered my standards in many ways and try to keep the whole picture in perspective. I am no expert, and my kids are no angels, but I think deep inside they are decent human beings and I'm holding out for the time they come to their senses. Lots of love to you, i wish you the best.

[Strawberry]

[Makat2u]

My oldest DD went through some of the same things your DD is going through & I thought that she would never grow up & be a responsible adult. She is 20 yrs old now & will be graduating this June as an Accountant. She lives in her own apt. pays all her bills on time & has NO debt. She is very independant something I never thought she would be because of her "ugly & nasty" attitude she had so there is hope your DD will turn around & become the daughter you raised her to be so hang in there, the teen years are terrible years

[rebecca]

Oh thank you so much! At first I was afraid to print this in this forum. I was afraid that everyone would think that I wasn't a good parent. Sometimes I just could sit down and cry. She started being really nasty today and I called her probation officier because I didn't know where else to turn. They are going to put in juvenile next weekend. I am scared, I am sad. The probation officier called her counselor and they both decided the best thing for Rachel was to give her a scare and put her there for the weekend. Please pray that this will help her. Thank you everyone for being so kind. Like I said before I was so scared to let everyone know. Thanks for the encouragement and hugs!

[SewCrafty]

[lacyj]

I was the daughter, you're talking about. It took me a long time to come around, but I'm a survivor...and, I think my mother is proud of me,... tho, a bit disappointed in me. She wishes I was rich, but she knows that I am happy...

[Mom23boys]

I love Robin's comment. I think it is so true.

Rebecca, I believe that this is why God made women SO STRONG, because it is us who bear the burden and heartache.

As mother's, we hold ourselves responsible for their children's behavior....even though they are the one's making the choices. I know because I have been there too. I know now that I am a good parent, but at the time I felt like a failure. It took a counselor to convince me otherwise.

[MarshHen]

We were blessed that we never had to go through any of the typical teenage problems with Shane or Jennifer. They both did well in school and both were very responsible. I am however, dreading Mickie's teenage years! She is now 12 and she has been with us since age 6. We were finally able to adopt her two years ago, only one week before the closing of the last home we sold. The problems started when she started 5th grade here at the new school. Her grades dropped from straight A's to D's and E's, she wouldn't do her homework, signed my name to her report card and her school agenda book, was lying to me and to her teachers, and I found hidden under her bed, letters to and from her new little girlfriends that had language in them that would make a sailor blush. Mickie was delt with "Firmly" here at home by both myself and Hubby, and then we went to the school and talked to her teachers and principal. That was a joke! They just said that is normal for kids her age to display such behavor and that it will pass. Well, they may think it's normal, but I don't, and I won't allow my child to be taught by someone who thinks that way! I pulled Mickie out of the school system that day and I have been homeschooling her since. I did speak to the parents of the girls who she was exchanging the letters with, and they were not aware that it was going on. One mother denied that her little girl would use such language until I showed her the letter her child wrote and signed. We now have Mickie's grades back up to straight A's again, and she is now a responsible 12 year old. She will get a little mouthy with me once in a while, but I take care of it with right then. I do believe alot of it though was the influence of her new friends and the fact that she was the new kid and wanted to do whatever it took to fit in, but I'm glad I was able to catch and correct it before it went further. Mickie is now very active with her youth group friends at church who are also homeschoolers. I think you really have to pay attention to who your childs friends are, because negative peer pressure can really influence them. I know the really trying years are still ahead of us, but at least I think we are on the right track for now, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get her through.