dd and credit card

**pkellyc** · 01-28-2005, 09:45 PM

Going at it with 19 yr. old daughter today. She is in her second year of college and has a part time job. Our problem is a credit card, she is terrible with money and wants one. A couple of years ago she wanted a cell phone, she was working and promised to pay for it. I have been paying for it for last 2 years. We are not renewing her contract. Last spring she was going to the beach for the first time and wanted me to charge her an $80 bathingsuit, I refused telling her if she wanted it that bad to save up for it. She never bought it. She should be saving for a car but why bother when you can drive your mothers car?

She is old enough to apply for her own card and I was worried she would. Now I started a mess by reading an article that said we should start her off with a student card. Her limit would be low $250, well she took my advice and applied for a student card with a choice of credit limits. $250 was not enough for her she took the highest limit she could get. I am mad and now, she is grounded from my car and we are not speaking. When is it time to stop bailing your kids out? I am afraid a pattern is starting to form. I would hate to see her ruin her credit at 19 years old, but how will she learn from her mistakes if I did bale her out? When is enough enough? Other than this she is doing well in school and a good person. (slilghtly mouthy one) I am just so mad at her! She wants her independence but is going about it all wrong. And I just know she does not have the willpower to handle a credit card.

Talk about needing to vent? Thanks for being here.

**frugalmommie** · 01-28-2005, 09:50 PM

pkellyc,

DON"T BAIL HER OUT!! I have seen this situation with my brother who is 25! He still lives at home and can't figure out how to spend money. EVERYTIME You bail her out, you aren't teaching her anything. She wants her independance? fine, Give it to her. She is 19. I was married and on my own at 19. Tell her to get her own car, and start paying rent.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have watched my parents coddle and take care of my brother. At 25, he still lives at home, plays video games and has NO LIFE. I am not saying your daughter will get that bad, but teach her the lesson now...not later.

Sorry If I sound mean. But you daughter is going to get a rude awakening if she thinks someone is always going to be there to "fix" things for her.

Good Luck, and be careful. HUGS.

**Missy** · 01-28-2005, 10:22 PM

had i not hit bottom hard...on my arse, i wouldn't be the frugal type i am now. Now, i won't suggest that i am perfect, far from it. But it took a huge wake up call for me to figure it out. I wound up draggin myself up by bootstraps and faught my way through the debts i had (now, yes I have new ones-but they are health related and I am working on them). I did even send my mom a card. It was a thankyou one I made on my own. and it said: Mom, Thank you...money really doesn't grow on trees! Lesson learned

She and I laugh about it now, but it was a serious, serious fight for her to not dig me out and save my financial hiney. I am better for it now.

**guest2** · 01-28-2005, 10:46 PM

I agree with the other ladies...do not bail her out! If she runs up the card, she can darn well pay for it. If she wants to be independent, well sweetie...it comes with a price and it's called responsibility. Trust me, you do not want her, her husband and her children living with you when she is in her 40's! If you keep bailing her out, this may just happen to you (it did to my inlaws).

**pita1213** · 01-29-2005, 01:11 AM

just from watching what goes on with my inlaws, i too must say stop bailing her out. if she isn't made to deal with the concequences of her actions, she won't stop making bad choices. i have 2 sisters in law. both of them have CNA 's (certified nursing assit. i think) neither of them want to do anything with it to get a job because they don't want to work in a nursing home. they don't like old people or some such silliness.and my mil has never forced them to pursue anything with it. one has a baby and works at lowe's and can barely pay her car payment and insurance and only pays my mil $40 a week for rent. the other one has managed to spend all of her graduation money, has no job because she told the mother of the little girl she was babysitting that she was going to go to school. well she never did anything to get into the school she wants to go to ( private christian college) and the mother of the girl already found someone else to watch the little girl, so what little income she had is now gone but she has a cellphone to pay for. my mil continually bails the two of them out. she keeps saying she won't do it anymore but does anyway. unfortunaly she cosigned the loan on teh car so she is stuck with helping on that or her credit is screwed. but my mil wants to have her kids move out so she can either move into a small apartment or move back with her folks ( the grandparents have a house split into apartments, she wouldn't actually be living with her folks but in one of the apartments) so she can help her mom with her dad who is sick. but she doesn't think she can because her children can't make it on their own. my whole point to this is that she keeps bailing them out ans this is the result from it. she can't go help her mom take care of her dad because she is still having to take care of her kids and even her kid's kid. her girls are 19 years old.
my whole point with this is that if you stop bailing her out now and making her be responsible for her actions ans choices, she'll be better off in the long run, and should something happen where you need to take care of a parent, or heck if you want to travel the world, you won't feel like you are trapped by your child's bad decsions like my mil feels.

if you read through all that and are still with me, you deserve a cake!

and about the credit card. she can call the credit card company and have them lower the credit limit to an amount you two can agree upon provided she hasn't already charged up the card past that amount. it would reduce teh amount of debt and trouble she can get herself into, but still help teach her a lesson about managing money and credit cards.

edited to fix some REALLY bad typos, left the not so bad ones

**rebecca** · 01-29-2005, 08:02 AM

I signed my daughter up for a cell phone and after two in a half months I ended cutting it off. She went way over her limit and she is paying me $20 every two weeks. Granted it cost $175 to have it disconnected, but I was not going to continue with her having a high bill and having a hard time paying it off. Let her learn the hard way. Do not continue to bail her out. She knows you will and she will use you. My daughter is 16 years old and I finally told her that if she wants anything she will have to pay for it herself. She blows her money and expects me to bail her out. Not going to happen. Yes your daughter is mad at you, like mine, but if they make bad decisions they are going to have to take the consequences. The more you try to bail her out the more she will use you. Believe me I know. You have done the best you can do to help her and she is old enough to take care of herself. Good luck.

**Darlene** · 01-29-2005, 08:09 AM

Nothing to fight over, it just makes you upset. Just tell her "Dear child, when the bills come in you must pay them. Love you dearly but they are your bills, not mine. I will not be able to help you pay them." End of conversation. Stick to your guns. You are teaching her a very valueble lesson in responsibility and accountability. She may hate you when you don't bail her out but you will be doing her & you an enormous disservice if you do. Sink or swim baby girl.
Sure is tough, watching people we love make stupid mistakes.

**oreo** · 01-29-2005, 08:56 AM

My dad co-signed a cc for me in college and we were both shocked at my new credit line amt

. We promptly lowered the limit. My dad made it real clear that it was my responsibility. I was so scared of using it that he finally told me to use it just to establish credit. I did not abuse it and maybe 2x a year I carried a balance. All that being said, it did help me to establish my own credit. Bc of that card, I was able to get a Pennys, which led to a Pennys visa. Viola! My own credit. It is nice to know that I have good credit independent of dh, God forbid I ever need it. My point....if your dd doesn't abuse it, it can be a good thing. If you co-signed, you can monitor her activity and maybe nip any problem early on. A little abuse can also teach a big lesson. HTH

**pkellyc** · 01-31-2005, 01:49 PM

Thank you, for all your advice I have decided you are all right and I am letting her go for now. I will not bail her out, I will not bail her out, I will not bail her out. See? It's working. I too learned the hard way on credit cards years ago, I guess that's what makes me so crazy.

Darlene I think you have hit the nail on the head, it is tough to watch their mistakes it is far easier to keep bailing them out. But my job as a parent is not done and so I will take everyones advice and stand firm. Thanks again.

**PrairieRose** · 02-01-2005, 11:37 AM

We had to teach our ds a tough love lesson about credit cards when he was in college. I highly recommend you do it now before the mistakes she's making ruin her life. My ds has turned into a very responsible, young married man. I'm very proud and even though it wasn't easy am sure we did the right thing about the credit cards. Stay strong Mom.