In need of teenage daughter advice!!

**dmvezina** · 02-05-2005, 09:50 AM

Hi all!! I'm in serious need of advice from any of you that have or had teenage daughters!! Those of you that read the Down on the Homestead threads already know my situation, but for those that don't here it is:

Wednesday morning was a very rough morning and tempers flared, probably more than they should have. My dd-16 has had a really bad attitude lately, yelling and being mean to her siblings ages 12 & 13. She calls them names, tells them they are stupid and idiots, etc. That morning she was extremely bad and my patience had run dry!! Then they missed the bus which really ticked me off because there is no reason they should be missing the bus. They know what time it comes, they have the luxury of watching it drive by & knowing they have about 5 mins before it comes back for them and there's 3 of them to watch for it!! But, they missed it anyway. So, now I'm really upset because I also have a 7 yr old that I need to get up, fed & dressed for school. I got tired of them yelling at me, "What are we going to do?" How are we going to get to school? I can't be late!! etc. So, I just screamed out, "I don't know, walk then!" Well, its' not a short walk!! And I didn't think they'd take me seriously. well, the 12 & 13 yr old did & started walking. So, when my dh got out of the shower, he said to take dd-16 & go pick up the other 2 and bring them to school. So, I do and all I get is more yelling at!! dd-16 informs me she's moving out! I tell her no she is not, she is underage and cannot! She says yes she is! So, after school she comes home & starts packing. Now, I knew she had dance practice, so I told her I wanted her home tonight! She continues packing and says she is not coming home. Needless to say she did not come home & did not call. The next morning I called to make sure she was at school and she was. In the afternoon, she called me and wanted me to call the school & give my permission for her to leave early because she has study hall last period. I told her no, I will not. I wanted her home. She didn't come home again. So, yesterday morning she called wanting me to write a "permission note" for her friends mother where she was. I told her no and she hung up on me. My sister came to my house and called the number dd called from. We knew she wouldn't hang up on her. She bluntly told dd that she needed to get all her stuff after school and be home by 4 or we were calling the police. Which would mean she would be in trouble & have a "record" and the mother would get in trouble also. The mother never once contacted me to find out what was going or to see if this was ok! So, after I got all the kids on the bus, my sister and I went to the police station just to let them know what was going on, so if I did have to call them at 4 they would already know. We get there, and dd is already there with her friend & the friends sister!! So, after speaking to the policeman, which luckily we got a very nice one, it was decided that she need to come home. He basically told her that she is only 16 & what mom says goes, no questions asked. She needed to come home, etc. She did come home after school. Now, she had asked me earlier in the week if she could go with friends Sunday night to watch the superbowl and I had told her yes. However, after this little stunt the past few days, I told her this morning that she cannot go. She is now telling me that she IS going. And she said that she left once already this week, she'll do it again!!!

I dont' know what to do!!! I need some advice!!
Thank you!!!!

**mrscornbread** · 02-05-2005, 12:18 PM

Dawn, there are many of us here in the village tha are raising obstinate teenagers. I have four kids, three of them are legal adults and one is almost 14. I know what you are going through. The thing that I have learned, especially after sharing things like this here in the village is that much of this is just par for the course. When young people reach the teenage years, they begin to spread their wings and search for meaning in their lives. Because they have no life experience, they flounder...a lot. For me a big part of being a good parent is to set the limits and stick to them. I know how hard this is, and to be very honest, I give in A LOT! I had an epiphany a couple weeks ago when I thought about what keeps me from doing the things that I know are good parenting like setting limits and sticking to your word and I realized that almost everytime I give in is because I cant stand the confrontation and the misery it causes me with a bad attitude. Then I realized that is is the SAME misery when I do what I say, so any way I go, someone's gonna be unhappy, but the payoffs in the long run will be worth every tear I shed.

My youngest son is trying my patience and sanity, so realizing that what I have been doing on my own is not working, I took him to a counselor and there with a third, neutral party we can openly discuss the things that are hurting us both. I spent almost a year with him saying nothing and me doing all the talking and crying, but in the last couple of weeks he has begu to come around which shows me that there is still hope in reaching my child in a healthy way.

As far as girls go, I had two and both are pretty much grown up, but one is only 19, she thinks that she has all the wisdom in the universe just because she is "grown". I have started in the past 6-8 months lwtting her chose her road, make her mistakes and then I DO NOT come running to pick up the pieces.

Sometimes the best love we can give our children is the tough love that is so darn hard to dish out, it really gets a little easier with some practice.

Hang in there Dawn, my first three children went through lots of turmoil and there were days that I thought that I would go nuts, but somehow we all made it through and are all the better for it. Parenting is never easy, even given the best of circumstances, but they do grow up, it just takes some longer than others.

There is also justice in the world, because someday they too will have to deal with the same kind of brats that they were.

If you ever feel the need to vent, I will listen, I am a pm away.

**slowtypinwoman** · 02-05-2005, 12:32 PM

No advice just a hug for you.

**mtjsmom** · 02-05-2005, 01:51 PM

Dawn,
I am not necessarily in the same boat as you now..Jessica is a really great kid. I don't have any real problems out of her. Except the bickering between sisters..
BUT..I was that same kind of kid as your daughter. Im sure my parents wanted to just throw in the towel. I was a terrible teen! I left home when i was 17, became involved with Jessicas dad (Blaech!!!) and didnt really see my parents for long stretches of time.
As much as she will deny it..teens CRAVE structure..They may fight you on it, bbut you CANNOT give in. What YOU say goes. End of story. You are the parent, she HAS to learn to respect that. She needs to learn that the way she is headed is really bad news.
As PP said, maybe therepy with a neutral party would help. teenagaers ALWAYS think they know everything. I would check into it, maybe start with a school councelor, a member of church or a reference maybe from your family doc.
I just want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. As bad as my mom and I fought, we ended up being THE BEST friends.. It took alot of growing up on my part, and my mom to treat me like an adult. but everything comes full circle. I promise it will get better.

Carol

**dmvezina** · 02-05-2005, 02:01 PM

She and I have already talked to the high school counselor a couple of times.

And I have already called a counseling center (the only one in town) and I have her on a waiting list which is about 3-4 weeks. I have also called her Dr to see if maybe a dr's referral would get her in quicker.

So, I have started the ball on that aspect. I'm just hoping she is just saying she's going no matter what tomorrow out of anger and doesn't really do it.
If she didn't take off for those couple of days, I wouldn't have had a problem with her going. I explained all of this to her but of course, it means nothing to her! lol

Thanks for the advice!!

**DaisyLady** · 02-05-2005, 05:28 PM

Dawn, it sounds to me like you are already on the right track. I do have one piece of advice to offer. Make sure you tell your dd that you love her. She needs to know that even when you are angry at each other that you still love her and care for her.

**Makat2u** · 02-05-2005, 07:00 PM

My oldest DD ran away once & I called the police & gave them the number of where she was because she would not talk to me & the police officer told her that her being only 16 she had to do as her mother told her until she was 18. She came home that night & never ran away again. I told her if she pulled a stunt like that I would again call the police & they would be bringing her home. Thankfully she is 20yrs old now & on her own.
I hope things get better between you & your daughter.

**forestdale** · 02-05-2005, 07:19 PM

Chriss has written very wise words, Dawn. Make sure your daughter knows you love her and that no matter what happens in the future you'll always be her mum and will always be there for her. Just knowing that will make a difference.

**homesteadmamma** · 02-05-2005, 08:07 PM

Its called "unconditional love" and I can't tell you how important it is. Chriss and Rhonda are so right.

I won't go into detail about our oldest dd but just the other day she said to me "no matter what I did, I always knew you loved me".

That is so terribly important.

I would also try to find a counsellor outside your town especially if your town is small. She may open up way more if she knows that no one else in her town will find out she is going to counselling. I would also recommend counselling for yourself. How I wish I had done that years ago. Only to learn how to deal with the situation and not go mad doing it.

**frugalmel** · 02-06-2005, 01:31 AM

no advice. Just big

Truly the idea of my dd as a teen scares the you know what outta me.

**rebecca** · 02-06-2005, 04:10 AM

I know exactly where your coming from. My daughter is doing the same thing right now. She has been on probation for a year for skipping school. She could of gotton off of probation last June but decided to skip one day before school was to be let out. Your daughter sounds just like my daughter. She has a curfew that she has to be in at 7 p.m. In the past month she has violated it twice. I warned her several times if she did not come home by 7 p.m. that I would call her probation officier. Well I did and she had to go to the juvenile home this past Friday and I will be picking her up today (Sun.). Her grades are terrible. The sad thing is that my daughter is very intelligent and has the personality to go a long ways in life. When this first all started happening I used to do the same thing and holler and yell at my daughter. After a while you can only take so much. I have been going through this since she has been in 9th grade and she is in llth grade. I have finally reached the point where I no longer yell at her, at times I do, a person can only take so much. I have her in counseling and go with her sometimes and at the moment her attitude with her counselor is not the greatest! What bothers me is that she is not doing drugs and drinking. She has to take a drug test once a month. Also, like you I have a younger daughter and she has to listen to this. This is when I decided it was not fair to my youngest daughter and me to listen to my oldest daughter's crap. So, I have been sticking to my guns and following through. If she doesn't listen to me she knows the consequences. I know it is VERY HARD as a parent when one of your children are so rebellious. You have tried everthing you could and they are so disrespectful to you. I have cut off her cell phone, she does smoke cigerrates (sp) and I told her that if she can afford cigerrates she can afford to buy her own things, if she wants to go to her friends she can walk. It is very hard as a parent to do the tough love act, but after awhile one has to do something. I hope after this week-end after being in the juvenile home she will have learned a lesson. The probabtion officier has been trying to get me to put her in the juvenile home for a long time but I bulked at it, but after the last three weeks living in hell with my daughter being very disrespectful and refusing to listen I had had enough. This is very sad to say but the house has been a house since she has been gone. All I can say is hang in there. I know many people have told me that when they get older and get through this age things will lighten up. I know this, but when it is happening to you that can seem light years away.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

**Daphne** · 02-06-2005, 05:55 AM

You have gotten some great advice and all I can offer is good thoughts and hugs!

**nicsmom** · 02-06-2005, 07:14 AM

Dawn, you have gotten some great advice (and support, which is a beautiful thing)

My kids are 13 (dd) and 8 (ds) so I don't have experience or advice to share (although, I'm starting to hear the "whatever" phrase coming from my daughter quite often)

and my son needs constant reminders about practicing good behavior. So maybe in the future you'll be giving me some advice

One thing that did strike me though, is the fact that your daughter's friend's mom never called you to let you know what was going on. I know as kids get older, it gets harder to keep up with who they're hanging out with. So far my daughter's friends are pretty much the same as she's had since she started school. I know their moms and feel that I could call and talk to any of them if there was a serious problem. Is this a mom that you know? If not maybe you could get to know her. Your daughter definitely belongs home, but it sounds like maybe a little time apart to both cool down may not be such a bad thing. And if she's with someone you know and trust, that's even better (this mom probably has teenage issues too) Maybe I'm totally wrong (again, I haven't had to deal with this myself) but maybe it's something to think about?
:bighug: (I wanted to add one of those big hugs here, but don't know what the code is

**mtjsmom** · 02-06-2005, 10:06 AM

I wanted to add one more thing..I dont know if this will help at all or if she is just gone too far for it...but..there was a time a couple of years ago when i was having problems with Jessicas grades. She just wouldnt listen..I kept getting reportcards with really bad grades (her 9th grade report card was HORRIBLE at one point she was failing everything but gym..) I finally said ENOUGH!!! I stripped her room DOWN..no posters, no pictures, I took her makeup, her hair products EVERYTHING..I took EVERY single namebrand peice of clothing (shes HUGE into Fubu,echo, tommy ect) and left her with the absolute BARE minimum. I told her she had to earn those things back. That I didnt owe her a thing but clothes on her back and a roof over her head. I'll tell ya what, it took a while, and she tried really hard to get it all back but i stuck to it. Jessica is now a honor roll student and has been since 10th grade. I still get some attitude but she's a teen, you are going to get attitude to some degree..

My point is, and I watched a episode of Dr Phil one day and he said the same thing..lol..all children value SOMETHING..you have to find what she values more then anything and take it away. She has to earn it back. To me it sounds like its her freedom..you have to clip her wings so to speak..I wouldnt let her go anywhere..school and home thats it..

Im keeping my fingers crossed that you can get her into some counceling asap..for the both of you..

Carol

P.S. I totally agree about telling her how much you love her. No matter how mad i get at Jess I tell her that I love her and will ALWAYS be there for her NO MATTER WHAT..it has really opened up some great conversation, she knows she can come to me with anything..dont worry, you will get there..I promise

**dmvezina** · 02-07-2005, 09:15 AM

Thank you all so much!!

I think the thing Nicole values the most is being able to go with her friends, which I obviously have taken away. It was a rough weekend, but we made it through! She was like Dr. Hekyl & Miss Hyde, but we survived it!! I think her boyfriend had a lot to do with her calming down, surprisingly enough. From some of the conversations I overheard, it sounded like he was telling her to calm down, it won't last forever, he has to work all week anyway, so just do what mom says, etc. I'm glad she has a bf like that!! lol

Getting through the week ought to be fun too!! She was actually ok this morning. No yelling, fighting, name calling, etc!! Yeah!!!! lol

I don't know if I'm "releasing" her from punishment too soon, but I told her yesterday that for this week she needs to come home from school every day, except for the days she has dance practice, which is only 2 days, but she is to come home right after dance practice. If she can do this for the week without any whining, complaining, begging, etc, I would set her free for the weekend. Being forced to stay home day after day for a week is pure torture for her!!