Keeping Family Close when they Live Far Apart

[COUNTRYBUMPKIN]

A great article from My Friend Pamela.............
Keeping Family Close When They Live Far Apart
02/07/05

We moved here to Texas before we ever had children. Therefore when the kids came we had to get creative to make sure they knew their loved ones from far away. When they were very little I made books with family pictures in them in the format of the children's book called "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" It's a simple rhyme repeating book that goes something like this. "Brown Bear, Brown bear what do you see?" Next Page- "I see a duck looking at me". Then it goes, " Duck, duck, what do you see?" Next Page, "I see a turkey looking at me"... and so on. In the book I made for our kids I inserted their name for Brown Bear with their picture, and I inserted the names of each relative to replace the animal or object. This I also included with a photo of the loved one.

Their story went like this, "Rachel, Rachel who do you see?" With a picture of her smiling. Next page, "I see Grandma Looking at me"-Next page Picture of Grandma. "Grandma, Grandma who do you see?" -Next page "I see Grandpa looking at me." Picture of Grandpa-You get the idea. This reinforced our child's memory of saying their relatives name twice and associating it with the photo of their smiling face. At the end of the book I put a family photo compiled of everyone together to which they pointed out each face and said their name. Both kids loved their books and they learned faces and names of each relatives in a fun, loving, way.

Another thing we did was always bring our video camera and digital camera for family gatherings. Then when we would return home I would play the videos a lot. This works on many wonderful levels. Just as the child who watches Barney the Dinosaur all the time, will grow to love him, and feel comfortable with him, the child who watches the fun family movies will also grow to love the family and bond with them. I would drive my nieces and nephews a bit loony with making them say their names for tapes I made of the kids when they were younger, if they refused I would do a voice over that said, "Here's -----!" So that when my kids watched the tape at home they would associate the name with the happy face. Almost everyone smiles when you videotape them. This also brings about good feelings toward the people on the tape from the kids watching. So instead of the kids saying, "I love Barney!" They will say, "I love Grandma!" Try it, it works!!

One thing we never did but could work in the same wonderful way is for loved ones to send tapes to our kids with messages for them. Grandparents could tell them bedtime stories, tell them stories of their childhood-better yet, tell the kids stories of their PARENTS when they were little. E-gad my kids LOVE to hear stories about how goofy I was as a kid. lol
May need to "ask" what is ON that tape before showing your kids. lol What is hysterical to Grandma, may not be so funny to mom.

I am going to try this myself. We have a wonderful, new, precious, little, niece in our family that I think the kids and I may make a tape of our life in Texas for, so she can get to know and love us too. I just ran this idea by my daughter and guess what she wants the "whole" tape to be about? Her new hamster... If I cannot get my son to stay close to the "hamster" he may get to be in the tape. Seriously, she is obsessed with the "hamster." We all have to cordially "recognize" the hamster when she brings it into the room or we are told we are being rude to the newest family member..I am GRANDMA to this hamster...need I say more? OK, the hamster will get some air time, and this looks like it will be fun. If any of you try this too let me know how it turns out.

My Sister In Law made a wonderful photo/ABC album for our daughter when she was little. She used family photos and images of family doing different things to represent the letters. That is a cherished book we still look at from time to time today. No doubt it will be passed down to my "real" grandchildren someday.

The next thing we also did was to also telephone a lot. (Something I have been lacking in lately as the kids have grown. I am working on that again. lol) But we would call often so they could talk and share their lives.

Before setting our home up for sale we also had TONS of family photos all over the place. My pictures are the soul of my home. I like to be surrounded by people I care about and I want our kids to also feel that kinship and love in their home to connect them with loved ones outside. Since we did not sell, and will try again, our home has been very BARREN and I MISS my photos. But, on a word of caution, if you are selling your home, it IS a good idea to remove family photos. You just never know "who" is going through your home and you do not want to set your kids/grandkids up to be a target of a sick pedophile in the area. Especially photos that display their name, the name of their school or sports team etc. This gives sick people information on how to find the child outside the home. Hate to throw that in to dampen this article but it is a good safety guard when selling.

Another thing we did back then, and still do today, is share good memories we had with extended family with our kids at bedtime. This is also especially important when dealing with loved ones who passed before our kids had the opportunity to meet or love them. We tell our kids all about their grandfathers (who passed before my son was born) We tell them of their loved ones who recently passed and talk about fun things we used to do with them. We tell them about their character, and what wonderful people they were. We try to keep their memory in a good light to keep their wonderful legacy alive to be passed down to the next generations. Each night our children say a special prayer for God to please look over each relative that has passed. This keeps their memory in their hearts.

All of those things enabled our children to make bonds through hundreds of miles with loved ones. An important thing I need to add is how "we" the parents participated in this. However "we" approach our children, where their relatives are concerned, is henabled our children to make bonds through hundreds of miles with loved ones. An important thing I need to add is how "we" the parents participated in this. However "we" approach our children, where their relatives are concerned, is how "they" will be perceived by them. IE: There have been times when I have been at odds with my In-Laws. Who gets along all of the time? But I have always made sure that my children are not brought into my adult issues with them. I make sure that when I talked of them, I talked of them in a loving, positive, light in front of our kids. The comfort my children show when visiting them is reflective of this environment they were given at home. There are some in my side of our family that my kids have never met. They don't know anything about them.(good or bad) They are too young to understand fully what "dysfunction" really is and I do not see the need to push adult issues on them when it is not necessary. When they are older I will tell them and allow them to form their own opinion.

Along those lines I want to add that some people on this list come from an abusive background. So please never infer that I am suggesting you make bonds with people who are NOT healthy to be around. I know only too well how hard it is to break those chains of dysfunction and sometimes articles like this can incite us to make "unhealthy" choices and reconnect with people who are not healthy to be around. Just as we would protect our children from someone known to harm others in society, the same applies to harmful people in our own families. It's a shame it has to be that way, but these precious children are our future. If the family we have is far too dysfunctional to have in the lives of our children then we may need to create our own surrogate family filled with neighbors, friends or fellow people of our chosen fellowships. There is one more idea of creating your own surrogate family and it deserves an article of it's own. It's a Wonderful idea that I don't want anyone to miss. That's coming soon!

Something that would also be good to do if you are about to move far away would be to collect postcards of fun new places located in the area you will be moving to. Send them to your loved ones so they can get excited about the fun places they will get to see when they come see you. You could also use the videotape idea and tape your new home, city and landmarks for them to see. What better way to make yourself take the time to preserve memories then when you are doing it for the ones you love?

Hope this gave you a lift with heart warming ideas of how you too can enrich your relationship with loved ones. I couldn't find the good news story I was looking for today so I decided to write it myself. One person inspired me to do so. Have I inspired you to do something positive today? I hope so. >warm smile< Any ideas you would like to share that your family has used to stay connected to loved ones from far away, please share, and I will share them with everyone else. Thanks!

Take care, be well, and stay informed

God Bless
Pamela

[COUNTRYBUMPKIN]

And here is the other letter on reaching out to Senior's in your Community.............


In the last article I mentioned I had another idea of how to build a surrogate family. On that note another choice for doing that would be to adopt a wonderful grandparent who is in a nursing home! Isn't that a WONDERFUL option!! It's not a bad idea even if your kids have living grandparents. The awful state of the nursing homes in this countries is proof enough that we need to bridge the gap between past and future generations. What better way to do that then to bring them together?

Reaching Out to Senior Citizens In Our Communities
02/07/05

I have always had the dream to create a program to adopt a Grandparent in a nursing home or to reach out in our respective communities and find the elderly in our own neighborhoods who need companionship and help. It cost nothing but our time. I already know all our neighbors and have taken the time to get to know a few of our senior citizens enough so that they know they can call if they need help. A recent event that took place when one dear neighbor feel ill was that the neighborhood pulled together to make dinners for her family while she was ill for several weeks.

Most of you, who have come to know me well, know I abhor nursing homes. More times then not they treat our precious elderly with disrespect and disdain. Not unlike the abuse of precious children, we cannot look the other way as the stories continue to pour in about unfathomable abuse in those homes. These places are only too eager to collect vast sums of money from honest, trusting, families, only to abuse their loved ones once the papers are all signed. This program (or idea) would serve so many in the community and enable us to do what we need to do-take care of each other.

Think about it please-If a senior citizen had a regular visitor in a home they are much less likely to be abused by that staff. The staff would know this person has someone who can help the senior and watch them. The senior citizen would have a connection to the outside and also know that help would be on the way if they were being harmed. The bonus for the child is the incredible wisdom they could gain from the senior citizen and that alone is priceless. This is also true for the senior living at home. Who knows, with the help of their community they may just never NEED to even be put in one of those homes.

We all love to hear stories don't we? Well, there you go. Our wonderful senior citizens have plenty to share of the colorful life they have lived. If anyone has any ideas on how to jump start this I am open. I have mulled this idea around for a few years and feel guilt that I have not acted on it yet. One idea was a teen program for teens to do this on their own. Another was to join with churches to get parents of preschoolers to start out young on respecting our elderly and learning how to develop wonderful relationships between the generations early. Then I finally realized if it gets too organized then it runs the risk of being "controlled." This really needs to spread as an act of kindness.

Why can't we just spread the word for people to go to nursing homes and ask who lives there that has no one coming to see them? Remember the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes?" I LOVED that movie. But it does not have to be a movie, it can be real life. I did do this several years ago when I first came up with this idea. The nursing home didn't quite know how to take it. But they thought it was a good idea and they thought of someone instantly we could visit who had no visitors. They asked her permission first and I then took my very young child to see her.

Unfortunately I did not ask first about her medical condition. Bless her sweet heart. She was hooked to many machines and the noises they made frightened my daughter. I tried to make the best of the situation and told the sweet lady my daughter "was just cranky" Took my child to the hall and I explained to her about the machines. Learn from my mistake here please. I don't want to traumatize kids or the patients. My daughter calmed down and we did stay long enough to know this lady had not had visitors for over two years. She had pictures on her walls of her only son, his wife, and her two grandchildren. Her son was stationed in Germany and had his family with him. I felt awful when I left. I knew she desperately needed someone to talk to. But I also knew until my child was older it would make it hard on them both for visits. I have not given up on this idea but I am ashamed to say that other research has taken place of this important issue.

I have a soft spot for the elderly because I lived in a neighborhood as a child that had nothing but senior citizens in it. Very few children.(mainly boys-at that age they were yuck to me) I made all the senior citizens my play mates. Lucky for me, but not so lucky for them. I think I drove them crazy with my incessant need to just drop in any time and say hi. After a while they all got to know me and I had my regular stops.

First the Post Office on the corner to visit Mr. Stolling the Postmaster. He worked in a little brick building with many large windows all around. His large calendar on his desk was perfect for my life size drawings that I just knew his office needed to look good. And , I kid you not-(this is not a commercial for lifesavers), but he always had Wintergreen LifeSavers in the top drawer of that huge old wooden desk. How did I know? I was nosey. Just as nosey back then as I am today. He never ran out of the LifeSavers. Each day I visited him there would be more Life Savers in that top drawer.

He was a soft spoken man who had the gentle face of Santa Clause, only no beard. He was also a very well traveled man. He told me of his journeys around the world. He was a veteran of the war, but he didn't tell me a lot about that. Boy would I love to talk to him about that now that I am older. He gave me many different coins, from many different countries, to start a coin collection. When he held each coin up he would tell me what it was and a wonderful story would follow about the country he got it from. I could listen to his stories for hours and some days I did. He always wanted to know how my day was too.

My Next stop was Mr. Meredith's home. He was a tall and slender man with a long oval sweet face. We met under unfortunate circumstance. He came to help me when my little wiener dog was hit by a hit and run driver. I was very distressed, sitting in the middle of the street, holding onto my dead little dog, and crying my heart out. My dog followed me everywhere. He was my little buddy and on this day someone hit him and kept going. Mr. Meredith came out to comfort me and showed me how to bury him in my backyard. I wanted to use my special blanket to wrap him in so he would not get cold. It was bright blue with white daisies all over it.

We became good friends and his wife made the absolute best chocolate chip cookies I ever tasted! She too was thin and yet very petite next to her statuesque husband. She had a smile that would light up the room and when she laughed it was so high pitched that it would make me laugh even harder. Today when I see reruns of "Leave It To Beaver" I think of her because she always wore flowery, starched, dresses and had the white smock apron on. She looked so perfect to me. I would draw on any paper they had in the house and make my little letters and poems for them.

Next stop that was added to my route also came across from somewhat unfortunate circumstances. Self inflicted, but unfortunate all the same. Here is where my memory fails me and it does break my heart because she was such a wonderful woman. But mind you this was 30 plus years ago. I will call this precious woman Mrs. Smith because her last name fails me today. Back then I wouldn't have dreamed of calling any of my elders by their first name so I can't even remember what that was either. I met Mrs. Smith because she caught me picking flowers from her garden. augh. I was mortified! I thought she was going to scream at me and I KNEW what I was doing was wrong, but her flowers were the prettiest in the whole neighborhood and I wanted them for my Mom. That was the thinking of a child, not the right thinking, but my mindset nonetheless.

Mrs. Smith approached me not with a sneer, nor with a "Get out of here kid!" Nor did she even think of calling the police as so many today would do. She approached me warmly and said, "Do you know what kind of flowers those are" By this time I had them behind my back and my face was bright red with shame. But her warmness and gentle approach made me feel safe. I whispered, with my eyes down, "No, Maam. I don't." This wonderful woman then proceeded to tell me all about these flowers that I was taking from her yard without permission.

We sat and talked more about flowers, she got me something to drink for that hot afternoon. When I left I knew I had made a new friend. She told me to just ask and I could have all the flowers I wanted. After learning from her about how hard some of them are to bloom I never wanted to pick those kinds again for I wanted to enjoy the beauty she taught me about them.

There are many more wonderful memories I have but I think you can see these special people really made a little girls life better. These incredible new playmates taught me so many valuable lessons. To this day I still remember the wonderful stories.

We later moved and I missed them all dearly. I felt like I lost many sets of wonderful grandparents. As soon as I turned sixteen I drove back to that little town to try and find them all. To my dismay many had passed on. Mr. Stolling was gone. Mr. Meredith was gone too. But to my delight their widows were still alive and they remembered me fondly and kept many little things I had made for them as if they were priceless like their china.

Mrs. Meredith showed me the playdough creations I made for them out of homemade dough. I couldn't believe they were still there. I was not a sculptor back then, and try as I might, I am not one today either. My mother still has what started out as a wonderful creation of a woman's head that turned out to look like Ross Perot. She displays it in her curio against many pleas to dump it. We use my aluminum sculpture as a door stop for the "garage". Need I say more? No, a sculptor I am not, but I still want to be one all the same.

Mrs. Meredith also showed me many drawings and poems I had written for them. I couldn't believe she still had those either but it warmed my heart. We laughed as I read aloud the prose of a child with a very vivid imagination. She told me their grandchildren lived far away and I really meant a lot to her and her husband to have a child nearby. The house was just as I remembered it, only smaller. I thought it was HUGE when I was a kid. After all those years she still had the wonderful antiques adorning the rooms and it was clean as a whistle. We hugged as I was leaving and I could see from her precious weathered face, and frail body, that I may not see her again. But she still had the wonderful smile that could light up a room.

I then went across the street. To my chagrin Mrs. Smith was gone too. Ironically her eldest son moved into her home, after she passed. He greeted me when I rang her bell and after I told him who I was he welcomed me in. After the earlier disappointments of not finding my old friends I had already feared she too may have passed. Her house was all different. That made it a little harder to go in. The doilies were gone. The ceramic lamps with the painted roses were replaced with antique brass ones. A large part of her flower beds were a part of the yard now, covered with grass. But the house still smelled like her and it felt like her. To my surprise Mrs. Smith told her son all about me. He told me she was never able to have another child after his brother was born and she always wanted a daughter. She never told me this so I was surprised. But why would she? I was only a child back then.

Her son went on to tell me that he and his brother both had boys so she never got a granddaughter either. He then excitedly said, "Wait right there," and he went to the closet. He brought down an old cigar box and opened it. There inside were more of my pictures and poems I had written. He said that he thought I might come looking for her again and I might want to have them. That really blew me away. He told me she was very depressed when I moved and that is when she told him about me. Her kids were grown and gone when I met her. I had never met either of her sons, but on this day I did and I could see she passed on her gentle heart to him.

Who would have thought that what started out as chance meetings would turn into life learning and meaningful relationships?

I have shared many of these things with some of you who have been in my group for a few years. But for new people I want to share again because these are the true meanings of life. The relationships we build, and the people who touch our hearts, are all soul memories that will stay with us forever. I chose to hold onto these memories to replace the bad ones. For one gives us hope and the other destroys it.

That is why I have a fondness for the elderly. These people do not even include my real grandparents whom I loved. My point is they do not have to be blood related to love us or for us to love them. But right now in these troubled times we need each other more then ever. For us to reach out to lost children, or our elderly, would be a great start to bring this nation back as one. Not for the price of a paycheck. Not to reap a reward, pat on the back, or accolade, but because it is the right thing to do. I promise the relationship will be the reward.

But we do have to note these are different times. Children do not run in the neighborhoods like we did. But what has not changed is this. Any good relationship takes time. It would not be surprising for a senior citizen to wonder, just what do we want from them, when we reach out. They have been put in last place by far too many in this society. For someone to just approach, and want to do an act of kindness, may raise red flags with them. Tell them the truth, be honest, be yourself. It is all worth it.

Do you think communities would embrace this concept of helping those who have contributed so much to what we have today? I think so and I am open for ideas on how to expand this and make it happen. Not turn it into a corporation, or another fund raising fraud, but just for the act of kindness that only takes our time. If you think about it I am only trying to turn back the clock "a bit". Because didn't we all used to live in neighborhoods where everyone looked after one another? It can happen again.

Think about it and tell me what you think

Take care, be well, and stay informed

God Bless
Pamela