How would you deal with inlaws?

**Chea** · 03-30-2005, 08:42 AM

Ok -- so I'm NOT SURE how I should feel about my dh's family but boy am I angry!

Now I came into my marriage with a ds already. They have been decent enough but I'm getting irritated.

Some examples -
These people do not acknowledge bdays for ds or I at all HOWEVER I show up for each and every party for them.

Last Xmas -- MIL promised to take ds to buy a beta for Xmas. Sometime in MID JAN she showed up with one. Couldn't even be bothered to take him to spend time? WTF?

OK -- they're friendly enough -- polite even but I'm sorry -- I was thinking inlaws would be a little bit more than that. My sorry assumption that they were actually MY family. Whatever.

So now there is a baby shower for my SIL (who I swear doesn't speak to me unless I flat out ask her a ? about something) and I would rather NOT go but I'm going. Well DH was on the phone last n ight with MIL saying that if she needs help setting up that I WILL COME AND HELP. WTF?? He doesn't even ask me?? Jerk.

I'm TRYING to stay on the polite side but I'm rather close to blowing it all I'll tell you that.

**SewCrafty** · 03-30-2005, 09:03 AM

I'm with you on this one Heather, I know I would blow!

**PrairieRose** · 03-30-2005, 10:08 AM

Heather it's really hard to swallow the differences families make sometimes regarding inlaws. I'm like you and consider my inlaws my family and for the most part am treated the same way, it's just "sometimes".... . Anyway if I were you unless it got to be very obvious that they are making a huge difference where your ds is concerned and unless it bothers him I would try to keep it as polite as possible. Maybe you could do something out of the blue for the dsil who is having the baby, just for kindness sake. My dmil always said when someone is being a bit mean "to kill them with kindness". I've found it really works and usually makes the person a bit ashamed of themselves when you do it in the right, giving spirit. I hope you get it worked out, but in my case it's been a 30 yr. journey.

**AmyMCGS** · 03-30-2005, 11:23 AM

Lisa gave you some great advice. I've always liked that "kill them with kindness" idea myself, but I have a hard time putting it into action sometimes.

Keep being nice to the in-laws.... it's hard, believe me I know, but I always remind myself that they are the reason I have my wonderful DH. And, in my case at least, some of the things that used to irritate so much have changed a little over the years-- mostly after I spoke up about how different they did things than my family. I repeated that theme, not accusing anyone of being wrong, just pointing out the differences in a "silly me, I'm sorry, I'm just used to doing it differently" kind of way for a while and slowly they have changed a few things. (One great example-- his aunt who didn't speak to me because I didn't phone her to thank her for $$ sent in a bday card--- in my family, we write thank-you notes, so I didn't know she expected a phone call instead. Yikes, that one was a mess, and it was something so silly!)

What does your DH say about all of this? Any chance he could help?

**Chea** · 03-30-2005, 12:28 PM

Oh Dh is noooo help. If I say anything about anything....you know how it is with family. He gets defensive. I just don't feel accepted. Dh was married once before in a bad marriage for a short 3 years. But they were all alot closer to her I think. Now I could be completely wrong but I feel that way.
I'm just going to keep on keepin' on but I'm so glad I could get such great advice.

**Englishlady** · 03-30-2005, 01:10 PM

Oh Dear! I really do sympathise, I have had some "interesting" realtionships with in-laws over the years

I agree with the Killing'em with kindness (shame 'em into thinking you ARE a nice and thoughtful person!)

However, it is hard to actually carry out, so if it were me, I would be tempted to show my sense of humour, warped but not leathal

I would be tempted to get hold of the BACK-END of a Pantomime Horse outfit, and turn up to the next family gathering wearing this peculiar enemble, they will HAVE to ask you what the??*!!**@~!!*? are you wearing ( they will feel silly having to ask you-ha!)

This gives you the great opening:
Well, since I married into this family, I feel that you have not taken me seriously and feel a bit of Horse's Ass, so I thought I might as well embrace this feeling and dress the part!!!!!

Yep, I am joshing of course but if you had the chutzpah to carry this off you find a huge debate would follow and after that it would go one way or the other! I suspect that it would shame them into accepting you

If not you could tell yourself they have no sense of humour & that you are married to Dh and just observe a polite acceptance when in there company

I am not trying to trivialize your situation, just to let you know you are not alone with this, I rather think that the ones who have great In-Laws are the exception and that most of us have to just hope for the best...time does tend to mellow them.....some

good luck!
Karen

**forestdale** · 03-30-2005, 02:09 PM

I think your husband should help you ease into his family. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you would like to feel like you're a part of his family but they are making it difficult. Then I would start a campaign to win them all over and kill them with kindness, as Lisa said.

**Tootsiebella** · 03-30-2005, 04:57 PM

It's got to be tough when you are trying to be accepted into your DH's family, and they don't seem to be "playing ball." By all means, I think "killing them with kindness" is the safest option, but I still believe that your husband's first priority has to be you.

If nothing else, but to be a shoulder when they do or say something that hurts.

PrairieRose is right- it's definitely a journey- Perhaps it will take them a little more time to accept that you are in it for the long haul, and not a brief encounter-

Good luck and I hope things go well for you

**Jerseygirl** · 03-30-2005, 04:57 PM

Dh's family was extremely close with his ex and his father's wife made it very uncomfortable for me for the first few years. I was so obnoxiously polite they couldn't stand it (the polar opposite of his ex) After our first holiday with them where fil was nice but his wife froze me out, I called her the next day to thank her for going out of her way to make me feel so welcome and offered to host the next holiday. I always show up with the most thoughtful and expensive gifts and found the weakest links in dh's brother's and step brother and made them adore me so she had no audience for Kellie bashing. I left no room for her to cause an issue. I saw it as a very passive aggressive challenge. Now I think our problems are behind us. Thankfully dh's ex has acted out since so they have also recognized dh's upgrade!

**Chea** · 03-30-2005, 05:22 PM

I so appreciate everyone's widosm and experience!

Iknow they don't hate me....or even dislike me but for being such a warm, friendly family to EACH OTHER....I'm kind of left sitting there feeling truly out of place. I know I could act out or boycott their gatherings....but that won't get me anywhere good so KILL EM with kindness will have to do. My patience so does wear thin at times though. *sigh

**pita1213** · 04-02-2005, 11:19 AM

give teh kill them with kindness approach a really good try. it may take a while, but do try to make it work.

that said, it didn't work for me. my inlaws are just selfish people and will greedily take any kindness you give them, but never show any sort of thanks or kindness in return. i seem to be the whipping dog in the family, but try not to let it bother me, i chalk it up to their problems and issues, not mine. when we lived with them for about 6 months, i got blamed for everything a person could have done, and our dog got blamed for anything an animal could have done. even with being as pleasant as i could and doing as much around the house as i could so we weren't a big inconvience. but they always thought we were. oh well, their problem, their issue.
now that we are living on our own, i maintain contact with mil because of dks, and i am always polite and try to be helpful, but i don't go out of my way anymore. i really can't stand one sil, and would be happy to never see her again except for my nephew. he is the cutest thing, so i am polite to her so we can see him.
i guess what i am trying to say is to really give it a try to kill them with kindness and get them to see you as part of the family, but don't get so caught up in it to realize it's not working later on. they could be like my inlaws who will never see me as family, just someone to use. i tried for 8.5 years and finally gave up once we moved out from living with them. weird thing is, dh's grandparents and other relatives are great. just his mom ans sisters that are a pain.
are they any relatives in your dh's family that you get a long with? if you can't win over everyone, it might be bearable if youcan make friends with some of the cousins or something.