Need some advice

**handmerounds** · 06-14-2005, 10:57 AM

Hi all. Well, my world came crashing down around me last night. I discovered my husband has been lying to me on a daily basis. I know its not possible to describe the whole situation here, but I just feel hopeless almost. He dips tobacco and has tried to quit over the past couple years. The first time he had quit, I believed him for a long time. Just to find out he was still doing it. The thing is that I'm very observant and deep down i knew he was still doing it, but when I'd mention it, he adamantly would deny doing it! He would act like he was so hurt that I would think he was lying to me. So of course I believe him! Well fast forward to the past couple months. He was suppose to have quit again. Well, I smelled it one day on him while we were visiting relatives, so I said I smell skoal (very calmly because again i truly believe he's not doing it). He looks at me directly and says no he doesn't have any. I said to him, I guess I'm losing my mind because I am just seeing and smelling this stuff! He still was persistant it wasn't him, he had quit. Well a second later, I seen him take it out of his mouth and throw it. He didn't think I could see. I REALLY thought I was seeing things. I told him this "calmly", that I really thought something was playing tricks on my mind. At that point, I was just wanting him to say he was so I wouldn't think I was seeing things. Well, several instances like that have happened, all the while he talks about how he's quit etc. He also hasn't drank as far as I knew for several months now. Got home last night and seen some beer bottles in the shed up on the ledge above the door. I noticed them and was surprised. He said they were from last fall. I had a feeling he was lying. So I just ask him to tell me the truth. He kept saying he couldn't remember when they were from, it was so long ago. I was like, I thought you had quit drinking? He said he had. (I also was driving his truck one day and a beer can rolled out from under the seat.) He had no idea where it came from either. Back to the beer in the shed. Well, I went out to look at the born on date. April 2005! After I told him I seen the born on date, he finally admitted he had bought them that day!

I'm sorry this is so long!! I know you guys are thinking big deal probably, it's just tobacco and alcohol. I can handle that. It's the lying that i don't know how to take. I just think back about all the conversations we've had and how they've been lies. We have also became active in church since last fall, so I feel like that has just been a front in a way. I have tried to talk to him several times about our relationship and how I've felt like something wasn't quite right. He isn't a talker so the conversation would end where it started usually. He always says how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. He is very much a family man. Very good dad to our two little ones. This has really thrown me for a loop. I blame myself that I must be too critical or something, that he felt he couldn't be honest with me. But he was putting a lot of effort into hiding it from me and keeping up the lies. I just wish he'd put some of that effort into improving our relationship. It's strange because in the message the preacher gave Sunday morning he said for us to remember that our spouses are a work in progress and God might not be finished with them yet. That helped me keep in together last night. I feel like that message was sent directly to me! My husband left last night after I discovered the truth. He said he had done me wrong. He came back a while later, but nothing else was discussed. He went to work today. I just feel like I don't even know him anymore. All you experienced, wise women please give me some words of wisdom. Sorry this is so long....

**MandiDawn** · 06-14-2005, 11:12 AM

My first question is "why did he quit?" A few beers is nothing to hide or "quit", so why did he feel the need to hide that from you? If he's an alcoholic, then you both need more help than this board can give you. If it's just a few beers now and then, that is a normal part of life and nothing that needs to be "quit".
Same with the chewing - why did he quit? Did he do it for him? Or did you make it known in subtle or not-so-subtle ways that you want him to quit? (for you, the kids, blah blah blah). I just quit smoking and I feel no need to hide each screw-up, but I have nobody to answer to but myself. I tell BF each and every time I screw up, and it's scary to say those words. Maybe he messed up a few times, was scared of your reaction (be it pity, anger, sadness, disappiontment) and didnt' want to tell you. Then he just "couldn't" quit, and he still didn't know how to tell you. Now he's in a quandry - when to tell you, because you will know that he was "Lying". I would just tell him it's ok and go on as normal. I know you are upset about they lying, and that needs to be addressed, but I wouldn't mention quitting either again. Let him do it on his own time at his own pace. Quitting tabbacoo is one the hardest things a person can go thru - 4, 6 12 months later it is still hard to STAY quit!!!

**handmerounds** · 06-14-2005, 11:30 AM

I don't know why he felt he needed to hide it. He quit dipping because he was developing sores in his mouth. It was his decision. We hadn't drank in several months. We didn't really even decide to quit, it just happened.

**MandiDawn** · 06-14-2005, 11:39 AM

I would say it's because of your reaction then. No matter how supportive you have been, he might have been afraid of disappointing you. LIke i said, I tell my BF every time I mess up and smoke one cigarrette, and it's scary to say those words. Even though his reaction is always "That's fine" end of story, It's still scary to admit failure.
I wish you luck.

**Dixie** · 06-14-2005, 11:41 AM

I don't have advice, but I just wanted to say, I'm praying for you. {{{hugs}}}

**Daphne** · 06-14-2005, 11:56 AM

I agree with MandiDawn. I'm also sending many hugs to you. I think that if he isn't an alcoholic then having a few beers every now and again isn't a big deal - if one can do things in moderation and doesn't drink and drive!!!!!! (the beer can rolling from under the seat).

Malcom would hide that he would chew every once in awhile even after I found the cans under my Cosmo magazines....okay men aren't always the brightest!!

He felt he had to hide this from me because he was worried I would be really mad at him. I told him no I don't like it - I think it is gross but if he chooses to do this then it's his problem. It wasn't effecting anything within our relationship so now he will tell me - he feels comfortable that I'm not going to fuss at him and I'm not. He just better not try to kiss me with that stuff in his mouth - gross!!!!

Men and women sometimes are hesitant to tell the truth even though it may be such a minor issue because of the outcome from the spouse or SO. Let him know you are not out to be his mom and be honest with him that it bothers you he does it but it bothers you more with the dishonesty. It will take time but let him know that you will be there for him.

I hope the drinking issue isn't an addiction for him and I hope it's more of a "social" thing. As long as no abuse is occuring in the relationship I personally think have a few beers is okay. But this is something you both have to be honest about.

From what you described it just seems like an issue of he is worried of how you will react and men seem to go into shells sometimes worried that they will be punished. Hang in there - I'll keep you in my prayers and hope all turns out well. He seems like a nice man from what you said.

**Darlene** · 06-14-2005, 12:34 PM

He's got to know how the lying is effecting you & he has to talk about it. He can't walk away or cover this problem up. He may have lied because he's ashamed or whatever but lying has consiquences. Hope you can both find a way to work through this.

**Mom23boys** · 06-14-2005, 12:55 PM

Just my opinion, but I think he was hiding the items and lying to you because he was afraid of what you would think. I think men try to impress women and if you found out he had "failed" at quitting then in his eyes he would be a "failure" or "loser". I think that is why he lied about it. I don't agree with his actions. I think the lying needs to be addressed.

I wouldn't pressure him to quit or it is going to cause more problems within your marriage. When he is ready to quit for himself, not someone else, he will.

**handmerounds** · 06-14-2005, 12:55 PM

I told him how much the lying has hurt me. These weren't just a few little white lies, he was really working at it. I think he just expects to say he's sorry and I'll just get over it. It's not that easy. I can't believe what he says anymore. I understand what you guys have said about him being afraid he would disappoint me or something, but he is a grown man and he has to take some responsibility for this. If he would have just told me I can't stop, I would have been understanding. I am not trying to be his momma. We have to be able to communicate. I have been concerned about him in the past regarding the drinking. He is not one to have a "few" and stop. He is the one drinking until closing time and then some. If he's not around it, then it's ok. But once he gets started he seems to not stop. Now this was in the past or so I thought. That is why the beer surprised me yesterday. How is his lying about tobacco and alcohol any different from lying about having an affair etc?? If he had an affair and didn't tell me, and I found out am I suppose to just say that's ok and go on, he didn't want to disappoint me. Marriage is suppose to be built on trust.

**forestdale** · 06-14-2005, 04:02 PM

I think you've got a problem - with trust and lying. I don't think you should be judgemental about the smoking and drinking - just tell him you don't like it, it's unhealthy and that you'd like him to stop. End of story. But the lying would be a huge problem for me. Sit down with him and tell him that you'll support him if he wants to give up tobacco and alcohol but the problem that worries you the most is his lying. Tell him how lying to you errodes the trust that your marriage is built on. Tell him you love him and that by helping each other you can get through this. And if he doesn't say anything, tell him you need to know what's he's thinking about all of this.

**AmyBoz** · 06-14-2005, 04:06 PM

I think you must be married to my ex-boyfriend from college because I could have written your story myself.

I agree with Rhonda...the problem is with the trust and lying. She's got good advice. Go with it.

**Jerrie K** · 06-14-2005, 04:42 PM

After reading all the advice from the other ladies I can't think of anything to add so I am just sending you a

**handmerounds** · 06-14-2005, 08:42 PM

Well, my husband came home from work early with flowers and a card. Said he was sorry and we talked. It is not that easy to forget that he has lied or to trust him, but I've got to try.

**Daphne** · 06-15-2005, 07:51 AM

That is all you can do ..... try. That was nice of him to bring the card and flowers and it's a step but as we all know it goes beyond the material things. It seems like he wants to work with this. It's going to take a lot from both of you but just take it day by day and it will work out for you two. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!