Upset at daughter's dad for enabling her

[rebecca]

To make a long story short since my daughter started high school about four years ago she has done nothing but get in trouble. She has been in the juvenile home several times, gotten in trouble several time with drinking and getting about four minor in possession for drinking. She no longer wanted to attend the regular high school so I sent her to an alternative high school thinking this would help. Well she ended up skipping and about a month in-a-half ago she got suspended for not going to school and not following the rules. When she turned 17 she got another mip (minor in possession). After she had her court date she had a fine of $236. Also, she had to attend six classes and three AA meeetings. Only went to four meetings and no AA meetings. Her dad paid her fine. Court sent an order for her to show up to court due not attending all her meetings and no AA meetings. Did not show up so they sent out a bench warrant for her arrest. Well that day when she got the letter in the mail her and her friends were on my porch and I guess one of the neighbors called and said they were to loud. Police came and arrested her and several of her friends ( this was 2:30 a.m. in the morning). Did not know she was out there because I kicked her out of the house and told her when she became more respectful toward me and her sister and decided to clean up her act than she could come back home. Well the problem I have is that her dad is going to bail her out because they are moving her court date up. Instead of this Friday it will be April 21. Her dad does not live with us. I am so upset I can't even think straight! Everytime she get's in trouble he bails her out. Said he couldn't live with her because she would have to attend the school where he lives and they are not the best schools. She will never learn her lesson if her dad is going to bail her out all the time. Well he's sitting at his house in his little bubble world I have to deal with her crap. About a month ago I called the cops on her due to her tearing everything up in the house and was squeezing her sister's face. I tried to stop her and she turned around and hit me. That is when I kicked her out. I don't think she will be able to go back to her friend's house. I am so sick to my stomach about her coming back here that I could get sick. She wasn't raised to be like this. I don't know what happend along the line but the group of friends she choose to hang with are not the best at all. I have taken her to counseling and meetings about her drinking, but she doesn't seem to care. Cannot hold a job down. Always an excuse why she leaves. She lies, steals, and does what she wants. She says she's 17 and can do what she wants to do. I know, I know. I always wondered before Rachel started to get in all this trouble, and I heard about other kids getting in trouble where were the parents. Well, let me tell you I ate those words. I found out quick and in a hurry it doesn't matter how decently you raise your kids some kids are just going to do what they want. I'm sorry this is so long, but I am so upset I could scream.

[Darlene]

I'm sorry Rebecca. I wish her Dad wasn't enabling her too. I think all you can do is to stick to your guns and protect your dd & yourself. To have someone you love act out in this way must hurt so and being helpless makes it worse.
You can't do anything about your husbands or your dd's attitude & can only take care of you and your dd, your health will suffer if you keep tangled up in things you can't change. This really is one of a parents worst nightmares and I hope someday she will see the light but she may have to hit rock bottom to do just that. You'll be in my thoughts.

[rebecca]

Her dad and I are not together. What probably upsets me more is that when he gets her out, he will be in his own home without any fricition. He will be in his own little bubble world. I have to see her tonight and really don't know what to say to her. I definetly do not want her in my house unless she changes. I hope she sees the light to. She is a bright and intelligent girl and can go a long ways in life. I have talked to her and I hold up my end of the bargain and she doesn't. Yes, this is a mother's worst nightmare. Everynight when I go to bed I asked St. Joseph and the Bl. Mother to just watch over her so she don't get hurt. To see your child make these kind of choices just makes you sick. I love my daughter very much and she is making the wrong choices in life. I would do anything for her, but until she makes the right choices she is going to have to learn the hard way.

[guest7]

Whow Rebecca- That is a tough situation!

I have 19 yo twins (college) and a 16 yo dtr (sofomore). I've always said to them "you are becoming an adult now- you are responsible for what happens in your life. You can choose to be a derelick- like your uncle Danny, and live the life of white trash. Or, you could study hard, stay clean, go to college and live the life we have or better" "the choice is yours, you're on your own with that" Wow! that was always effective.

Anytime I found out about one of them skipping school, smoking pot, drinking (and you know they will- admit it ya'll) I'd just say.. "I'm dissapointed.. but the choice is yours - to be the future white trash or the future mansion owner" Bam! back on track.

No fights- there's nothing to fight about. It's their choice. Bottom line.

Your dtr states she's 17 'you can't tell me what to do.' When my kids said that... I reminded them that "until they are 18 I own you." I am legally responsible for what they do. I refused to be responsible for thier childish and immature behaviors.

Followed by; "Now, if you're still living in this house at age 18, I'll put you through college.. otherwise... remember, you're on your own. You make you're own choices now- you're a big girl."

The more you fight- physically and verbally- the more you're going to drive your daughter away. Don't do it, don't give in to it. You're the adult- stay in control.

At age 17 she is too young to be thrown out of your house. My parents threw me out at 17 and it's just wrong. (and I was a straight A, non-drinking, non-drug person; I just didn't fit into their alcoholic household). You may be forcing her to do things you don't want to know about in order to survive.
Help her now. There's still time.

If she doesn't want to go to school help her get her GED and then go off to college.

Don't give up on her.

[rebecca]

Cheryl, Never in my life did I think I would ever kick my daughter out of this house. Legally, the police say I can kick her out and her counselor said I am walking a fine line. She could go to FIA (welfare office) and say I kicked her out. Go ahead! I have a brother like their Uncle Danny. This is where I have a hard time with her. I have told her this is my house and you will follow the rules. Refuses to listen. Comes and goes as she pleases. My dad had the same problem with my brother and he kept enabling and my brother never changed. Even after my dad died he has never changed. Since both of the girls have been little I have always told them to get good grades, go to college and get a decent job. My whole family has tried to talk to her and it's gotten to the point she is such a good liar they don't know is she is telling the truth or not. I have in the past year know when she is lying. Where she was staying at was two houses down and in a good environment, but she screwed that up. This may sound terrible but she does remind me of white trash, sorry for some of you on this forum this might sound terrible, bust watches tv, sleeps late in the afternoon than out all night. Not going to happen in this house. She was brought up with good values and morals. She had a decent life. She choose her route. Oh, by the way have I told you that I have spent about $1000 on this girl so far. God, only knows how much her dad has given her to get out of trouble. Even went into his home equity loan to get out of her jams. No going to happen to me. About a month ago I bought her two pairs of pants and shoes for work. $62. What does she do quit this job because she thought she was going to be accepted at another job. Asked her several times if she called the second job and she said yes, but nobody answered. Hello?! I'm I stupid. After she said she had called them I called right back or pushed redial and they either answered right away or when pushed redial it wasn't for the job. No, I don't argue or fight with her anymore. The only thing that bothers me is that when I am not at home I don't like the way she treats her younger sister. It's like I'm a prrisoner in my own home. don't want to go anywhere because I don't know who she will bring in my home. I refuse to have a person, daughter or not, upset my home after I have been helping her and all she does is disrepect you. She made her bed she can lie in it.

[guest7]

I forgot to mention that 16 yo DD got arrested in Dec 05.. for 'possesion of paraphanelia' . Really- it was b/c of her fresh back talk to the officer. But none the less, she had a bowl on her! Friggin kid!!

We were pissed! at dd2. What an embarassment I said. She's a good kid, straight A - just pushing the buttons now and then.

Next day, we go to court, Dh and I with dd2. Watching all the derelick, white trashy looking teens at the court. (sorry, JMO). I leaned over to my daughter who obviously didn't fit that picture (she's more of a Pamela Sue Anderson look KWIM) and quietly said... 'look at what you are now associated with' with disgust. She got it.

Further, a defense atty came over to us- wanted us to hire her for a few moments.. $1200 to get the charges dropped. I asked DD2 how much she had in her savings account. She was rather shocked that we weren't going to pay for her atty. Uhhhmm nope- you got yourself into this... we're not paying for it.

So we went in- no atty. DH and I agreed that we were going to make her suffer the consequences. Only way to learn.

Judge gave her a beating! LOL!! No priors so she had to be on probation x 6 months, go to 'brains at risk' program and go to counseling. We agreed. She had to pay $20 for 6 months ($120) and can't be late! Attend the BAR program for $60 and finally, councelling at $10 per session. Yup... she had to pay for it.

That won't happen again.- Sure, she probably smokes pot here and there. But I can't babysit her anymore. Her choice which way she wants to go.

It's your daughter's choice which way she wants to go.

As far as her coming and going... she needs to respect your house rules of being out at all hours of the night. I didn't give my children a curfew. I always felt like a curfew made them want to break it- thereby creating disharmony. Here's what I did.
me- "what time will you be home tonight?"
child- "what time do you want me home?" <--- don't answer that- they want to break it!
me- "I just want to know what time you'll be home" <---- repeat
child- ' what time should I be home?" <-- i'm thinking but not saying sometime before 12 midnight (it's saturday)
me- 'I was just wondering what time you'll be home." <---- repeating is effective
child- "I'll be home at 10:30 is that okay?" <---- hehehehe
me- "okay that's fine... drive safe and have fun"

Strange thing.... child THINKS they made their own curfew and so, they're not breaking MY curfew. It's all in the psyche.
Now if she says 3 am! I'd say... you need to be in by 1 am (she IS 17 and 1 am is a pretty good time for a sat night) so I can lock up the house and sleep soundly. Work nights/school nights are a different time.

I don't know if that will solve your problem now. Seems that dtr had her way for so long- it'll be hard to change it. I would just continue to tell her that she is making the bed she is going to be sleeping in as soon as she's 18.

Reverse psychology here... "I don't care what you do with your life... it's your life... you're the one who has to live it... not me... so if that's what you choose... well... good luck to ya! I'm done trying" End it with that.


It's not your fault Rebecca. DD will have to learn on her own. You did the best you could. Now it's time dd move on with her own life. (when she's 18 though)

[KimSecret]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I will keep your Dd in my prayers.

I went through a rebel stage when I was that age also. No amount of punishment, talking, screaming, counsiling would do it for me. I had to wait til I was nearly homeless and starving before I decided to "wake up" and "grow up." I pray your dd will do this very quickly.

[i.m.cheap]

I understand where you are coming from. My own dd (grown now, and a mother of two) put me through alot of pain during the years between ages 12-17. She dropped out of school and got her GED. Letting her leave school was not a bad thing, really. It got her away from many of her "associates". She did decide to attend college when she turned 21, and is now teaching high school English and working with "at risk youth".