Trying not to feel so guilty of being a shm.

**homemaker66** · 05-01-2006, 09:14 PM

Hello everyone,
Just want to find away of stopping feeling so bad of being a shm and not bring in an income. Let me start with some information of my family. I am an 39 year old mother of three and one step child. They arrange in age of 14-18 years old. My husband of five years has a great paying job where we can live on just his income (but we have to be really careful on how we handle the income). I was a bus driver for 16 years and had some great benifits. Two and half years ago I left from a leave of absent because I took care of my father who had terminal cancer and we lost him a year and a half ago. Since then my husband wants me home and I guess I do to. I just feel bad that I don't bring in the money like I use to. Now I just clean a couple of houses a week when the kids are in school this pays for your groceries for the week. I am working really hard at our home to make it workout for everyone for me being home. I planted a garden today, I do all the inside and outside work so my husband does not have to worry about a thing and I also try to keep the house on a frugal budget. I just can't get over this feeling of not bring in a paycheck. I hope to hear from some of you girls to help me out of this feeling.
Thank you very much.
Michelle

**leezza** · 05-01-2006, 09:42 PM

Michelle,

Don't feel bad, keep in mind how much you can save with you being around to watch everything and be frugal. You are making a contribution to the well being of the entire family. It sounds like your hubby likes having you there. And you are bringing in an income, you said you cleaned houses to bring in the grocery money......that is great since that is no small amount I am sure with teenagers eating : )

leezza

**PrairieRose** · 05-01-2006, 09:53 PM

I agree that you should really give yourself some respect for all that you do. If your husband wants you home, you want to be home and you make it fine then give yourself a break. You are doing the job that most women don't want to do. It's an important job, worthy of not only your respect but that of others as well. It is a J-O-B....but you can enjoy most of it while doing it too, if you'll let yourself.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

**chatterweb** · 05-01-2006, 11:18 PM

Do not let yourself feel guilty!! My home is a mess, and I work full time along with DH, but, we are just a two person family.
However, if I did have children, I would insist on being a SAHM!

I think it is so very important and know that you do contribute alot!!

**canadian gardener** · 05-01-2006, 11:41 PM

Michelle what you are doing, is worth twice the pay in an outside job.

Why?

Well you are saving AFTER TAX DOLLARS!!!! Your dh works, pays taxes and union dues etc, cost of working.

Lets say half is gone before he sees it. OK, so that means that whatever he has deducted off the pay, well you multiply that dollar by that amount because an AFTER TAX DOLLAR IS WORTH A LOT MORE!!!!! IF he loses half in taxes and deductions, then YOUR DOLLAR SAVED IS WORTH TWO AT A JOB!

And do keep in mind that with teens you are doing a lot just by being there. On another recent thread in the SAHM section I commented that most surprise!!!!! Teen pregnancies are conceived AT HOME, AFTER SCHOOL and BEFORE mum gets home from her job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sex, drugs, alcohol. Teens are risk takers, it's their age and stage. It helps to have a crabby concerned mother checking up on them and keeping them accountable.

Give yourself a pat and don't worry.

**Vannie** · 05-02-2006, 08:13 AM

Hi Michelle,

If you are 39 and was a bus driver for 16 years, that's a good chuck of your life. It would definately be hard to accept this change, even though it is wonderful that you can stay at home with your children. I am sure that your children welcome walking into the house and finding mom there, 14 to 18 are very important years in a childs life. I am sure that your husband enjoys knowing that you can stay home after working for so many years. You did a wonderful thing leaving work to take care of your dad during his last days.

You may be feeling a little sad that you have lost some of your indepedence because you are no longer adding to the family finance pot. But not working outside of the home does not take anything away from you or dimish your contribution to the family. Stop feeling guilty and enjoy your new freedom to be a stay at home mom. If you like cleaning houses, make it your home business. Work a three or four hours a day for 3 days and use the rest of the time enjoying your home.

Many blessings.

**AmyBoz** · 05-02-2006, 08:51 AM

A paycheck does not define who you are. Only you can do that. Everyone needs to do what fulfills them and what is best for their family, which is different for everyone. If it's the actual working that you miss, then by all means...work! It would be unfair of dh to deny you something that brings you joy! But, if you don't miss working and you don't need the money, then enjoy being home. Everyone needs to follow their own joy wothout feeling guilty about it.

**joyb** · 05-02-2006, 09:37 AM

I can't add anything to what's already been said, except to agree. What you are doing at home is very important. If your dh and kids are happy and you are happy, that is all that matters.

**happymommy** · 05-02-2006, 10:25 AM

Hi Michelle,
Quote:
"Now I just clean a couple of houses a week when the kids are in school this pays for your groceries for the week. I am working really hard at our home to make it workout for everyone for me being home. I planted a garden today, I do all the inside and outside work so my husband does not have to worry about a thing and I also try to keep the house on a frugal budget". Quote

((Hugs)) I am a stay at home mom too. I don't do half the amount of work you do.
Only clean a couple of houses? That is wonderful and a huge conribution to your family.
You planted a garden for your family! You pay for the groceries! You take care of the inside and outside of your home for your family!
Oh my gosh, I can don't let my husband see this post, I'm embarassed.
I stay home because I want to and dh enjoys my choice and wouldn't want it any other way.
You sound like a very HARD WORKING wife and mother that is providing a loving cared for home for your family.
We can afford it also by cutting back. No harm done, we are all very happy.

You sound very special and your gifts are priceless.
Wishing you the best, enjoy what you have and give! Happymommy

**miss_thrifty** · 05-02-2006, 05:03 PM

I quit working with my first son. I almost lost him 4 times the first 4 months and haven't worked since.I love being a SAHM. My inlaws and other people use to make me ffel bad. Now I know that I did work and am still working. Never feel bad about staying at home.Your doing your job. And he's doing his. You both contribute in your own ways to the relationship.

**homemaker66** · 05-02-2006, 09:11 PM

Thank you everyone who had given me a piece of mind. I am very happy to be part of this frugal family!!! I will try to keep a positive outlook of me being to home and enjoying it also. I always wished this would happen and here it is and I don't know how to handle it. I was a single mother for a few years and I worked and struggled with two to three jobs at a time just to make ends meat. So I guess it is time for me to focus on the family and not so much of the paycheck being bought home. Thanks again to everyone.
Michelle

**pkellyc** · 05-03-2006, 11:26 AM

I have been home for 18 years. I too cared for a parent until his death. I have daycared for more kids than I can count. I still daycare on a regular basis for two boys before and after school, that I have had since birth. Recently I have had a 2 yr. old great grand neice during the day and a special needs 17 yr. old boy on a temporary basis. I challenge anyone who thinks that this is not work. I have planted gardens, cleared 250 ft of overgrown property, cared for sick children and adults. I have raised my own 2 dd's that are now aged 18 and 20. My dh works countless hours so that I can stay home. I work countless hours spending the money wisely. He is happy, I am happy. So many women would love to stay home and I have always counted myself as fortunate and blessed to able to do so. I have also had the support of my dh, who is always quick to defend me stating my wife works harder than any woman I know. He will go on to list all of my accomplishments if anyone should give him a hard time.
You too should be proud of what you do, we have a home, and we work hard at making it one. I love my life, it's simple, it's loving and it's mine. Let go of your guilt and enjoy. You deserve the kind of life in which you choose. We all do whether we work with or without a paycheck.

**canadian gardener** · 05-03-2006, 11:37 AM

Michelle one other thing come to think of it. When I became a Sahm for the first time (I went back to work for a while later, now back Sahming it up)

I really had an identity crisis.

I was SO used to being Margery the RN, and suddenly I was home, and when people asked me what I did at parties, it was hard to answer and the question really threw me.

The second time when I came home to homeschool, it wasn't hard at all. I felt more confident, more sure of what I was doing and why.

Big changes like that take time to process.

BIG HUGS!

**missymomof3** · 05-03-2006, 03:07 PM

I have recently become a SAHM and my mom wasn't happy about it. However, I took my 81 year old grandma to the doctor today and she was asking me about what I am going to do about working and I told her that for now I am staying home and we would see what happens down the road. She told me that the most important job for a woman to be is a mother and making a home for her family. She has never regretted doing it. I couldn't agree more.

**midwestgal** · 05-03-2006, 03:35 PM

Just think of this as a change in your career for now. Nothing is written in stone. You can always work outside the home when the kids have flown if that is what you would like to do. Relax and enjoy this time, knowing you always have options.