Mothers Vs. Mothers.

**McD** · 08-02-2006, 08:30 AM

Have you ever experienced any of the mother vs. mother action?

I.E. I got an epidural so I didn't feel pain. You didn't haha.

Only lazy moms get epidurals, I bet you are a formula feeder too.

You don't nurse, it's like your killing your child?

Etc Etc Etc

I see this on the parents.com message boards (all of those are direct quotes). It makes me either very sad or very angry. People don't watch what they say and it can really damage someone.

What are your thoughts on this junk?

**fernykins** · 08-02-2006, 08:37 AM

Well who are they to say anything about anybody........I have never had anybody say anything about how I had my kids or how I fed them..... What works for one may not work for another.........
Fern

**Katybird** · 08-02-2006, 08:40 AM

My thoughts are that they are petty and pitiful for posting that kind of garbage. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and to voice it but not if they are going to directly attack others.

Every mother has the right to choose her birthing experience and how she wishes to raise her children and it is shameful of others to try to make other mothers feel inadequate for their choices.

**MOMMYDEAREST** · 08-02-2006, 08:45 AM

what you do is your business, not anyone else's!!!!!

**Kimberlina** · 08-02-2006, 09:03 AM

Wow- those are harsh! I can't imagine ever being so rude as to say those things.

Childbirth and the whole breastfeeding issue are VERY personal subjects- only the individual knows how much pain they can or are willing to tolerate, how convenient or inconvenient breastfeeding is going to be, etc.

Do some advocates say not having an epidural is better for the baby and the whole birth outcome? Yes, but is that the MAIN reason I didn't have one? Nope. It played a part, but honestly, I'm a chicken, and the thought of a needle in my spine TERRIFIES me! (Which is also part of the reason a c-section would be terrible to me, but it does certainly have its uses.)

Is breastfeeding generally considered healthier than formula? Yes, but in a well-developed country such as the US where most people have access to clean water and clean bottles, formula as a choice is fine. For some people, it is just more convenient. It wasn't the right choice for me, but I can respect that other people have reasons for choosing formula. (I do wish there was more breastfeeding education, though, so people out there weren't so strongly influenced by formula companies.)

Obviously, I have my own well-developed opinions about what is healthiest, but you know what? I don't talk to anyone about them unless they specifically ask me. (IE, my best friend saying, "I'm going to try breastfeeding. What advice can you give me?" And you know what, she had a c-section and only beastfed for like 10 days, which FOR ME, would have been probably the worst possible outcome in a healthy birth. But it WORKED FOR HER and Allie is happy and thriving and we are still best friends because it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS and when she told me I was just like, "okay, whatever works for you.")

So you can see I take a pretty strong stance on attacking other mothers. Why should they care? That is the part I never understood. It is just really none of their concern. It would be different if it were like third-world countries where formula-fed babies lost weight due to parasitic water or watered-down formula, but we have clean water and WIC here, so those things shouldn't be an issue. Mothers should just leave other mothers alone....

**NoDebtMom** · 08-02-2006, 10:25 AM

Oh, there was a time in my life long ago, when I got sucked into some of those message board debates... now, older and wiser and less opinionated, I am easier on myself and others.

**AirForceWife** · 08-02-2006, 12:52 PM

I always look at replies like that and see some type of insecurity.

When someone's first reponse to someone is an attack, I think that they probably have some issues of their own going on. They feel the need to put down so they feel better or look better. You can have a heated, emotional debate with someone and not resort to name calling. But you have to be comfortable with yourself, your decision and/or with your position to do that.

I sincerely hope that these less than supportive statements were not directed at you.

**das1gal** · 08-02-2006, 02:53 PM

Honestly, I had a C-section due to complications during labor, although secretly I wanted one because I was scared to death of actually pushing a baby out. I didn't decide to breast-feed until my daughter was born and the nurse asked me if I was going to bottle feed or breast feed, so I breast fed. My sister on the other hand could not breast feed her children, so they had to be bottle fed, and she couldn't imagine a c-section. I think as long as the child is healthy, all should be well and no mother should criticize another for their choices.

**AmyMCGS** · 08-02-2006, 03:38 PM

Grrrrr....... yes, I've been a part of forums where those sort of attacks are regular. And, I've had some real-life comments directed at me that were along those same lines.

Both of my children were premature, both delivered by emergency c-section, and both received my pumped breastmilk for a while, but eventually ended up on special preemie formula because I was unable to breastfeed. None of that was my choice! You wanna talk about strong opinions?!? Just let someone start in on me about how I SHOULD be breastfeeding, when they know nothing about how my precious babies came into this world.... I have to restrain myself!

I don't get why people feel it's ok to attack someone else just because you don't agree with them. I tend to think of people who just hurl insults (as opposed to debating something in an adult manner) as less intelligent... that's probably mean of me, but, that's how I see it. If you feel that strongly about something you should be able to discuss it without insulting someone else.

EDITED TO ADD: That's one of the reasons I've stayed here at FV for so long... I've rarely seen anyone attack anyone else's opinions. We can debate things here without all the negative attacks, and it's great!

**christie_love** · 08-02-2006, 11:33 PM

My mother vs. mother problem was this time last yr. when I found out I was pregnant..I was sooo sick. Any smells or tastes made me sick. I had a customer tell me "suck it up, it's all in your head, I was never sick a day in my whole pregnancy, I felt better then than I ever did." She would say "I ate this and done that..blah blah blah". Well Hoo-ray for her! After I lost 12lbs..she then told me she was very sorry. I wanted to puke in her lap!

**McD** · 08-03-2006, 12:44 AM

Some of these hurtful things were directed at me. It made me cry at first.

Then I stopped and realized that these were ugly people. If they could say that to another mother, than they were ugly people. They did not affect me and they had no control.

My son had complications when he was born and it was either give him formula or leave him in NICU with needles in his head and tubes up his nose. I did what was best for him and I am 100% fine with that.

I love all you mommas here at FV who take the time to make other people feel welcome.

**autumnlynn** · 08-03-2006, 02:35 AM

How can one person say what is right for another in these situations. I had two c-sections, but it certainly wasn't because I asked for them. I had someone on a message board make me cry once so I know how you feel. I was told my migraines were in my head and maybe I was taking too many drugs. I cried every time I would replay that in my mind. Some people can be cruel.

**Kimberlina** · 08-03-2006, 08:01 AM

I think that particularly on message boards, there is a major disconnect with the person who those meanies are actually posting things to. "I can't see them, so they aren't really real." I can't fathom ever typing or saying those kinds of things, but I thinki someone just don't really get that if you woulodn't SAY it, you darn well shouldn't TYPE it.

**frugalfarmwife** · 08-03-2006, 08:28 AM

Ahh, now I don't have kids and would never tell anyone how to feed/raise them but just wanted to tell you ladies to remember this, Opinions are like *******, and remember, everyone has one.

As long as your children are thriving you're doing what's right for them!

kj

**SHOPGIRL** · 08-03-2006, 10:26 AM

Overall, I think it's important to avoid giving someone advice unless they ask for it. Again, not every person/situation is the same so what works for me may not work for you.

I think that when a woman finds a system that works for her and her family, that's the best way. I personally don't like when women give themselves labels like sahm, wahm, working mom, etc... I'm sure I forgot a few. Everyone works either inside or outside their home. People discriminate with labels as well.

I guess you just have to be confident in what your doing, and not be concerned what other people think.