not sure if this is the right place but need some opinions...

**rachelMcK** · 11-16-2006, 07:38 AM

Ok, so all of my friends in college, well, they're feminists. I'm not a hardcore, women are better than men, blah blah blah, but I like a lot of the principles. I guess you could call me feminist, but not deeply. Anyway, I was telling them that every morning, I get up earlier than my husband so I make him his coffee or something to eat, bring it to him and set it on the night stand for when he wakes up. I'll also cover him up if he's uncovered etc. WELL....apparently, and this is news to me, feminists (or at least my friends) consider this to be pre-female equality behavior and think I'm "falling into his trap". Anyway, this is what I do, I might as well as I'm making my own anyway. Plus, it makes him feel special. Its not as if he doesn't do that for me. The other day, before my alarm went off for work (he didn't have to get up, it was his holidays) he did the same for me.

So what do you think? Anti-female, or being a good wife?

Since I'm the only one married in my group of friends (and half of them are gay anyway), I seem to be taking a beating with their feminist agendas, and I'm not that experienced with marriage, seeing that its only been 3 months and I'm only 22...so, give me a hand, I need to put them in their place (in a friendly way of course!!!)!

Thanks so much for the help!!

**nuisance26** · 11-16-2006, 07:59 AM

~It's simple, really. You love your husband.Love is doing what best for someone else without consulting your own agenda. Maybe these 'friends' of yours aren't familiar with how love works.~

**Laurie in Bradenton** · 11-16-2006, 08:02 AM

Dear Rachel

I think your just being a good and loving parnter and wife. You partner just hasn't learned to show you how he cares yet. In our home its my husband who fixes my morning coffee but I'm the one that sees to it he's got a few extra dollars in his pocket. We've been married 21 years and together for 25. Doing little things for each other is an act of kindness and love not servitude. Your friends are young and still have alot of life lessons to learn. Doing small things for others doesn't make you less it makes you more because you have so much love and kindness you can afford to give it away. What a gift.
So go on making coffee, covering folks up ( children will be next), and you will be richly rewarded with a full heart and life.

Laurie in BRadenton

**sixfreds** · 11-16-2006, 08:06 AM

I think you are being a good wife.

I think the real question is do you like doing it? If you do it because you want to then keep doing it, if he made you do it then that would be a different story BUT if you do it becuase you like to then you are fine....

Eileen

**celina** · 11-16-2006, 08:21 AM

well if he did it for you..that would be sweet and chivalrous..if you do it for him...you are submisive and forgetting who you are...

i am 30 (geez already...sigh..anyhow) i was the one everyone thought would succeed in business...and with reason..im sharp as a tac.....and have great instincts....i've hated every single job i've ever had..including owning my own business with a staff.....

i love being a good wife and mother...and guess what..nothing feels as wonderful as the look i'm sure your husband gives you when he finally cracks open those eyes......

feminism.....or in my opinion the WARPED idea of the current feminism..is what is leading to a 50+% rate of failed marriages.....

i was raised i could be anything i wanted to be...and since when is being a good wife to a good husband who deserves it and taking care of family and home....beneath ...well ANYTHING....

you CHOSE to be a good wife and your dividends will pay off better than any fly by night investment scheme....

congratulations.....be proud of being in a loving marriage...they are rare and some people cant recognize it when they see it...

(ok off soap box now.....can you tell i go through this too)

**guest32** · 11-16-2006, 08:28 AM

Dh and I have that kind of relationship...always have. I'm usually up first, so I make the coffe and bring him some when I pour mine. I also set out his clothes for the day while I'm making the bed, etc. It just works for us. He's not a morning person (at all!) and it helps it go smoothly for him cause he doesn't have to think about it....I also pack his lunch every day. I don't feel enslaved...I just love him and like to take care of him. I'm sure some of my friends would be horrified, but I've seen how their husbands treat them, so maybe that's why they're less inclined to understand. Besides..it's our marriage and it works for us. I get so much in return, and small gestures are really what makes a marriage special. He works very hard, and will do anything around the house that I need help with. Those are his little gestures for me....that, and he makes a great Saturday morning breakfast! It's been this way since we've been together and I have NO complaints, and don't really care what other *women* think. We know we have a very old fashioned relationship.....he's a true gentelmen, and I find a lot of women are really jealous of that.

**Neeley** · 11-16-2006, 08:59 AM

I have to agree with pretty much everything everyone else has said, you are being a loving wife.

**McD** · 11-16-2006, 09:13 AM

There is a difference between taking care of your husband and being his slave. I think you are doing the right thing. I do the same thing for my husband.

Now---I do not believe in feminism. Why you ask? I have never met a feminist that wants true equality. They only want the best parts of what men have...i.e. higher pay, better benefits, etc. When I hear a feminist say, "It's not fair that only men have to sign up for the draft! It's not that fair that only men can vbe denied federal aid for school if they don't sign up for the draft! Women should have to sign up with Selective Services too! And why can't women fight in direct combat roles? We are equal to men, we should do that!"

That's why I don't believe in feminism. I don't think feminism is something that should be selective. You can't have all the good things without the bad.

**northernmom2boys** · 11-16-2006, 09:23 AM

I do things for my husband because I want to do them,if he was to bark orders at me then I dont think I would be so willing do things .I dont work outside the home so I have the time to do these things.
Im not a slave and he does things for me as well.We are partners.
My sil is the total opposite and thinks I am just being a slave and setting women back 100 years lol
I think you are being a loving wife and dont listen to what other say.
Michelle

**FrugalMomof3** · 11-16-2006, 09:31 AM

I think your being a great wife and you love him, it's not our wifely duty to do stuff like that for our husbands but we do it because we love and care about him. Thats what marraiges are all about. Your friends dont understand "why" you do these things because "maybe" they dont know what love really is.

**Cele** · 11-16-2006, 09:41 AM

It's a shame that the term "feminist" has been toxified by a vocal minority. Sure, there are man-haters out there, but they're rare. If it weren't for feminists of another generation, we wouldn't be voting, owning property, or doing lots of other things we all too often take for granted.

I, for one, do want true equality. I'm a professional, and you better believe I earn as much as my male counterparts. Salary and benefits should not depend on whether one has a uterus or a penis. I'm also happily married and love doing "little extras" for my DH, just as he does for me. I would love to see all 18 year olds do a year of national service (not necessarily military). I think the entire country would reap the benefits.

Bottom line: being a feminist and being a good wife are not mutually exclusive.

**fernykins** · 11-16-2006, 09:45 AM

Well all I can say if you are happy and your dh is happy..........thats all that matter. You are not hurtig anyone.......... Maybe your friends are JEALOUS. Stay happy don't worryhat others think
Fern

**lottaLove** · 11-16-2006, 11:01 AM

being a feminist and being a good wife are not mutually exclusive.

I agree with the above posters. Things done for your husband, like making coffee or setting out his clothes, are done out of love and not out of a sense of servitude.

My DH doesn't feel like his manhood has been attacked if I ask him to do dishes or cook dinner anymore than my rights as a woman are under attack if I make him breakfast. It is a marriage, and you do things for each other because you love each other, not because you are forced to.

If someone minds terribly making their spouse a cup of coffee in the morning out of kindness, or covering them with a blanket if they are sleeping, I would worry that they are not truly in love.

**suzysaver** · 11-16-2006, 11:40 AM

I do a lot of the same things your talking about, and I do these things because I love my husband and want him to now I care about him. My husband works very hard and he deserves to rest and relax after he gets home. I work part time and take care of most of the household duties, but I like doing these things. Your being a great wife. I can't imagine what there realtionships will be like, if they have to sit back and determine if there being played over a cup of coffee.

**monkeywrangler71** · 11-16-2006, 11:42 AM

I think your friends are setting back women's rights by equating feminism with a lack of compassion. Attitudes like that are the reason that "feminist" has become a dirty word. Being heartless doesn't make you a stronger woman. Hating men does not make you a stronger woman. And being hostile doesn't make you a feminist - it just makes you a "you-know-what".

Perhaps you need more enlightened friends.