Just a little (okay, huge!) family rant....

**guest32** · 11-24-2006, 07:24 AM

Grrrr! Long story short....we had to make a quick trip to MT over the weekend to take care of some family stuff on dh's side. This was at the request of his sister, who told us we needed to be there before Dec. 5th so they could move an elderly family member. So....we drove 10 hours Sat and arrived about 4:30 pm. My biggest gripe is his sister....who I can handle for *maybe* one day. While we were there I mentioned to dh that we should buy some honey. He likes a local MT honey that we only get when we are there, and usually buy a bucket to bring home to last awhile. We haven't had any in several years. His sister pipes us and tells us she has a *whole new bucket* (12 lbs) that she just bought and we could have that, and she would just get more. So, we decide that's a good idea since we are really on a time crunch while there. I ask her how much we owe her.....she says she'll have to look it up. She comes back and tells me "I paid 20.00 for it" so I write her a check on the spot. Let me stop to say that these people are frugal beyond measure. They have no debt, paid for house, cash only. Her dh has a good job that he's been at for well over 20 years. Kids were in private school, but now she home schools. I have always admired their frugal lifestyle....except they are stingy! I had to practically beg for coffee an hour after we arrived....after the 10 hour drive!! We were not offered dinner, but had to finally ask if they had plans, or if we could order a pizza. We were only there for two days and the choices were pretty much cereal or sandwiches. She knew we were coming!...she requested us to be there!!! Don't you think she could have had *something* extra available for meals?Back to the honey....we get home and start putting stuff away. Dh decides to open the honey to taste it. It's aready been opened...and about 3" is gone from the bucket! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot????!!!! And it had already started to get grainy....it was NOT a fresh *new* bucket, it was just whatever she had in her pantry! I was so mad! I told dh I was going to email her, and he said to let it go....This is not the first incident like this. We dropped everything, rearranged dh's schedule, drove for an entire day, and then find out the info on the family matter was not exactly accurate (a major understatement)....and we'll have to go back in the spring. I told dh next time we are not staying there...we will get a room. We slept in the famliy room downstairs, which was perfectly fine with me, but her boys came down in the mornings (13 and 15) when we were barely out of bed and sat on our bed to play video games!! Dh told them they needed to leave till we were ready and done with the room!
Thanks for letting me vent.....it was a very long trip....we got home Tuesday at 8:30 after driving 13 hours (we were hauling a trailer)....another waaaay long story....
I know this sounds petty....am I totally out of line for feeling this way?

**dmvezina** · 11-24-2006, 07:37 AM

Oh Cathy, I'm so sorry!!
Some people just don't appreciate anything.
It's so hard because it's family too.

**autumnlynn** · 11-24-2006, 07:38 AM

I don't think you are out of line at all. I would be more than a little annoyed with the shabby treatment you received. I understand how your husband doesn't want a family argument over the honey, but somebody needs to tell her this just isn't right! I can't imagine her wanting you to write her a check right then and there! That is sooo tacky. Not offering you food and coffee is just downright rude. She should have had a meal prepared for you. I admire people who are frugal but not stingy people!

If you go back in the spring, I would definitely have a hotel booked in advance. I definitely would not stay there again! IMO there is just no excuse for the way you were treated.

**FrugalMomof3** · 11-24-2006, 09:55 AM

I dont think you were out of line either, I mean the treatment you received wasn't very family like if you ask me, I sure hope the next time DH let's you say something because family shouldn't treat family that way ... even if they ARE frugal.

**Katybird** · 11-24-2006, 10:47 AM

I agree with the other ladies, the way your inlaws treated you and your family was horrible. I think that there is a world of difference between being frugal and being greedy and stingy. If they could not or would not offer you a decent meal while you were there, they should not have called you to come. I think I would send your SIL an email and very nicely tell her "I think you must have given us the wrong bucket of honey, the one you "just bought" must still there, because we ended up with the one that you had already eaten out of and it was starting to crystalize". That way you are being nice about it but you let her know that her behavior is deplorable and that you realized it and did not appreciate it.

**emily_hope** · 11-24-2006, 11:32 AM

I agree with Katybird about e-mailing or maybe even calling her and saying there was a mix up with the honey. You can let her know your disappointment without you being rude yourself. Maybe she stopped studying the dictionary after she got to the word frugal and never got to the section marked "H" which contains the word "HOSPITALITY".

**lottaLove** · 11-24-2006, 11:50 AM

I agree with the ladies above. I would tactfully write an email (because it's easier to prepare an email, on the phone you're sort of thinking on your toes), explaining there must have been some mixup. I think the honey was just the final straw in a terrible visit.

If you don't say something, the behaviour will only continue. If she asks why you are staying at a hotel your next visit, I would tell her because you can worry about feeding yourselves that way, and they don't have to worry about bothering them with the task of feeding you and planning your meals.

If you do decide to stay with her, I would *offer* to bring down some food. I would phrase it something like "We will be there for 2 days. I noticed last time we came that you didn't have any food in your house, and there was nothing to eat. Everyone falls on hard times, and we want you to know that DH and I are here for you in your time of need...bla bla. Would you like me to bring a casserole for one of the meals?" If I ever mentioned that to anyone I know, they would be embarrased as heck at their previous behaviour, and would be way too proud to accept the casserole. I don't know if this would work in your situation...but you never know.

I hope no matter what you decide, everything works out for you.

**guest32** · 11-24-2006, 12:14 PM

The more I think about this, I have decided if dh goes in the spring, I'm not going. We did buy food while there. We took everyone out to lunch one day at a very nice bbq place. And Dh bought beverages for the house that he wanted (and shared). But, she also said two very hurtful and spiteful things to me (to my face) and just generally makes it clear she doesn't think I'm good enough for her brother. He was 32 when we married, I was older, divorced with two kids...not suitable marriage material in their perfect, Christian, ultra conservative minds. They do not even acknowledge my kids (dh and I don't have any together). I mentioned that dd #1 is preganant with her third boy and dd#2 bought a house and is in school full time since coming back from Iraq. They are not interested....they very quickly change the subject. As far as dh is concerned, they are his kids and he raised them as his, and he is proud of them. His sister is the only one who treats me like this. The rest of his family is great (they live in another town) But, I just can't take her meanness and holier than thou attitude. I talked to dh about it, but since we rarely see them, he thinks it is a non-issue..... So he can make that 10 hour drive alone next time. I was in tears by the time we left and I'm not doing it again....

**suzysaver** · 11-24-2006, 12:38 PM

I wouldn't put myself through that kind of abuse either. The more we read about the siduation the more it sounds like it is intentional to me. I cant believe your guests in someones home and she doesn't even feed you. My mother-in-law will treat me great in front of my hubby and others, but when she gets me alone...she is a hateful, mean, old bat....I only see her when it's necessary and that's maybe once a year.

**Cele** · 11-24-2006, 01:57 PM

I'm so sorry you had to go thru this. I can see no reason for you to set yourself up for that kind of heartache again. Let DH go alone. His sister isn't going to change.

BTW, they're not frugal--they're misers. There's a big, ugly difference.

**redmaples** · 11-24-2006, 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by Cele

I'm so sorry you had to go thru this. I can see no reason for you to set yourself up for that kind of heartache again. Let DH go alone. His sister isn't going to change.

BTW, they're not frugal--they're misers. There's a big, ugly difference.

I Agree. Stingy = Misers. Even when we have unexpected guests drop in I offer tham a drink.
My BIL stays here & it drives me crazy, but we always feed him & he drinks A LOT of coffee too!
I would definetly write the e-mail ..."you must've given us the wrong bucket of honey"

**Darlene** · 11-24-2006, 08:45 PM

Bare bones answer is I would never stay with the sister again & have limited contact, and be without any residual guilt. The woman is rude and not nice. Don't play into her hand, just say no thanks and grin your head off. She will have to find her "I'm all that jollies" elsewhere. Seek out others, not neccesarily family members to spend quality time with, you won't find any of it where sil dwells.

**FrugalWitch** · 11-25-2006, 04:35 PM

I would have nothing to do with them again. It has to be intentional, no one is actually so stupid as to think you can insist on someone going to great trouble to come for two days then not plan to feed them. There's a huge difference between frugal and being a rude, cheap mooch. What she did was not frugal, it was downright tacky!

I'd email about the "mix up" which I doubt it was, regarding the honey. Mention it's hardly the first time you've received such rude dishonest treatment. I would not make another trip, let them handle the problem when it arises again. If they complain, tough titty. You showed up once to do the right thing, was treated like pariahs now it's on them.

FrugalWitch

**nwmissourigal** · 11-25-2006, 10:38 PM

Wow what a trip. I agree with the other ladies. I would not let the honey thing go. I think an email would be in short order. I don't know why people act like that some times, personally I avoid those kind of people at all cost, and it is much harder when it is family. But no one deserves to be treated this way. You hubby made the choice to marry you, love you and take care of your kids..he lives with you, they don't. So they need to get over it and move on and accept that you all are happy and that they should be glad your dh has you and has a family he can call his own. Sorry you had to go thru that...this kind of stuff really gets me going...sorry...Blessings...Kathy

**MarshHen** · 12-09-2006, 01:27 PM

I agree with Cele. I wouldn't set myself up for this abuse again. I also think your dear SIL is extremely jealous of you and your dh's marriage. Who knows, maybe things aren't as wonderful as they appear with her own family, but that is no excuse. It totally blows my mind that she knew ya'll were coming and didn't have food prepared. If she is really frugal, she would have had several meals prepared ahead of time so all she had to do was heat something up and make it easier on herself. And, I would feel horrible letting guest take us out to eat and then pay for our meal, knowing they had to buy gas to get back home. Heck, I would have given ya'll the honey, and packed up some sandwiches, snacks and drinks for your trip home. Not that I'm judging here.....well, maybe I am, Lord forgive.......But, she calls herself a Christian???

If you do decide to send dh on his own to visit sis this spring, I would love to know whether or not she feeds him while he is there without you. That will tell the story!! About the email to her. Since dh asked you not to, I don't think I would. Besides, she may be trying to get you upset and that is why she sent the used honey, thinking she will get a negative response. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing one way or the other. You could stop payment on the check, but if she is that stingy, she deposited that baby quicker than a bug going through a duck.