have a question

**favesis37** · 12-19-2006, 07:45 AM

i don't want to step on any ones toes, but this happened over the weekend and i can not shake it.
we have 6 biological grandkids and 2 step, now we don't treat them any different then "our" grandkids. my sil also has a step granddaughter. we had our christmas with them this weekend, my kids all bought gifts for the "step"cousin. she is only 7. my step grandbabies are 7 and 4. my sil bought gifts for all my grandkids. dh's brother only bought gifts for " blood" i was so hurt as was sil. the older 2 step kids handled it ok, however the 4 year old didn't understand why she only got 1 gift and her brothers and sisters got 2. i left, came home crying, how can people hurt kids that way? a 1.00 hair tie would have given her something else to unwrap. i told sil that i could not come back next year, i would not see my son and his family hurt that way. that made dh mad, he explained it was only going to hurt dsil.
so we have decided that we are going next year we will just take 2 gifts over early then the kids will never know that their "aunt and uncle" did not buy for them. the really sad part of this whole thing is she has been a teacher for 30 years!
what are your feelings on this?

**nuisance26** · 12-19-2006, 08:24 AM

~My experience like this was my Grandparents favoritism at Christmastime. Wasn't a 'blood' thing, just favorites. A cousin my age would get toys and outfits and I'd get a sweater. I don't remember being hurt about it because my parents taught us to be grateful for what we did get. It did hurt my mom alot and she had 'discussions' with my mom-mom about it. It hurt her MUCH more than it hurt me and my 4 siblings. I don't think decieving her by compensating with a secret gift helps anyone. When you're calm you might try discussing it with your DH's brother. Men are notorious bad gifters. He might not be aware that it's hurtful. My parents encouraged us to be grateful in situations like this and I'm very glad they did. I never feel entitled to gifts from anybody and that character building started when I was a toddler. I KNOW it's hard on you and I'm sorry you have to go through this! ***HUGSS!***

**Katybird** · 12-19-2006, 09:52 AM

My MIL and FIL are the same way. They never included my children as grandchildren (who are their stepgrands) , never bought for them at holidays. I solved that problem by making sure that we never spent a Christmas holiday with them. I refused to have my children treated that way. We always spent the holidays with my family because my entire family treated my stepsons exactly the same as my bio children.

I think you absolutely right to refuse to spend the holiday with people who treat your stepgrands like that. Children are so precious and they do not deserve that type of treatment.

**danni** · 12-19-2006, 12:17 PM

I'm sorry you all had to go through that, my ex inlaws were like that and it was hard on me and the kids. My fil now is so great he treats his step grand kids just like they are his own. I have 5 kids and only 1 is his bio grandkid, but he buys them all the same amount of gifts and he takes all the step grandkids camping(The bio grandkid is too young to go without mom).

**halloweenfreak** · 12-19-2006, 12:40 PM

this is our first year with step kids. my brother just got married to a girl with 2 kids of her own. they were invited over for christmas and will have presents under the tree. i dont have a clue what to possibly get 2 kids i dont know, but at least they'll have something.

**fernykins** · 12-19-2006, 12:59 PM

I'm a step grandma........ proud of that fact.......... They all get gifts....equal amounts..........just because they are not my blood doesn't mean I love them less......... My oldest son will never have children of his own, but he has twin stepdaughters that call him daddy and he is the happyest man. I am grandma not stepgrandma. They are all mine..........I claim them. Nobody should feel not wanted........ Talk to the brother after Christmas. Explain that they are all part of the same family blood or no blood.
Fern

**halloweenfreak** · 12-19-2006, 01:13 PM

Originally Posted by fernykins

I am grandma not stepgrandma.
Fern

thats exactly right. my mother told me the other day that the kids were over at her house (mind you that my brother hasn't even been married for a month yet) and asked if they could call her grandma too. they said that they already had a grandma, but that she (my mother) was much nicer then the other one was. im sure she was tickled. now my mother has 2 grandsons and 2 granddaughters and im sure she couldn't be happier.

**favesis37** · 12-19-2006, 03:36 PM

they all call me mommom, and dh papa, they don't know the difference. i think i might try to talk to dh's brother, but not sure how that will go.
thanks for all the postitive thoughts and comments. i was afraid i shouldn't be upset.

**monkeywrangler71** · 12-20-2006, 11:47 AM

Whether or not you treat your step-grandchildren the same as your other grandchildren is a personal choice, and every family has to do whatever makes them comfortable. My daughter has step grandparents, she doesn't call them grandparents, and their relationship is not the same - but she is a lot older than her siblings and cousins and she was 9 when I got married again. Her relationship with them is unique and something they built together, slowly, over time.

Personally, for this particular situation, I don't even think that the nature of your relationship with your step-grandchildren is even an issue. IMO if you are attending a function where small children are exchanging gifts, then you bring a gift for every child that is going to be there (unless there have been previous arrangements to draw names, etc.) I don't think it matters if they are your natural children, step children, foster children, or some kid from down the street that you're babysitting, if you know a child will be there then you bring them a gift.