So lonely...

**Peaches** · 01-18-2007, 01:23 AM

My DH quit his 9-5 job after we had our second baby 9 months ago in order to stay at home and look after the kids. This was a great decision for us since I love my job (teacher), I have more earning potential long-term, and it saves us a fortune in childcare.

A couple of weeks after giving up his job, DH took at weekend job at a large warehouse. The hours are good, the money is good, and he enjoys it. The money is helping us to pay off our debts that much faster and he still gets to be at home all week with our son and take our daughter to and from school.

But I never get to see my husband. We never have any family time anymore. And I realised this morning that I'm becoming really, really lonely.

I'm at work all week. I come home in the evening and we make dinner, clean up, bathe the kids, do homework, get everyone to bed, and then we collapse ourselves. On Saturday and Sunday mornings he leaves the house at 5:15 to start work at 6, and he doesn't get home until 6:30 in the evening. The thought of facing another weekend on my own with the children, not seeing my husband, not having any couple time, not having any family time, not having any time on my own, makes me want to just cry. Our daughter misses him as much as I do.

This has become a real source of tension in our house, but IMO the money isn't worth the sacrifices that we all are making. We've been arguing a lot. I've tried discussing alternatives with him, but he seems to think this is the best way forward for us.

I feel like a single parent and I can't stand it anymore.

**Neeley** · 01-18-2007, 01:32 AM

So sorry to hear you are going through this. It cannot be easy, I am sure. I really do not know what to tell you, but I am sending hugs your way and hoping you guys are able to come to a solution you are both happy with.

**Marie78** · 01-18-2007, 01:40 AM

Hugs from me too. My fiance and I don't have children yet, but in the 4 years we have been together, we have worked very crazy hours and there was a year and a half when we both worked two jobs and only saw each other for dinner at 9pm and a little tv time before bed at 11pm. At that point we worked weekends too. Our routine was difficult, but like I said we don't have children, which would have made it impossible to work like that! I hope we never have to go back to that crazy schedule. I feel for you and I hope everything works out well for you.

**Scattymum** · 01-18-2007, 03:18 AM

Hugs, thats hard and I understand where you are coming from, I feel the same way sometimes although DH is here most weekends there is usually something *on*. He works away from home alot recently - next week he is in finland for the week *sigh* It can get very trying when its me dealing with the kids the whole time but he has a good job and there is no alternative if he wants to do well within the company - i know it annoys him too sometimes

I dont know what to suggest, he probably wants to carry on working and not give up his job as the money helps and probably will feel guilty if he does - coming from someone who didnt bring in any money for a few years you can feel very guilty that the other person does - does that make sense?

What about if he changed jobs - there are so many places that stay open 24 hours now - could he work a couple of evenings during the week - at least that way you would have weekends together? or if he just worked on saturday and sunday could be family time?. I think that it is important to get family time in

many ((((hugs))), I hope you can find a solution and stop the tension

**FrugalMomof3** · 01-18-2007, 07:28 AM

Sending hugs your way. I am a SAHM but I know how you feel, there are times I dont see DH from 9:30am - 9:30pm and also no weekends with his traveling and not only do I miss him but our DD doesnt see him much.

The only thing I can suggest is talk to him about it and tell him that you love and miss him, maybe he can try to cut some of those hours down and your right the money is NOT worth the sacrifices at home. Wishing you the best of luck!

**LastDragonfly** · 01-18-2007, 09:04 AM

It's always hard to squeeze family time in. Hugs to you. However, I'm thinking that your dh gets some enjoyment from his weekend job. I know that when I was in your situation, my dh couldn't wait to get out of the house. Somehow I think mens ego's are more fragile (understatement).

Perhaps you could get a sitter for the evening and have a date night with dh. I know that helped us when we were in your shoes. Since $$ was tight we would go to the library and hang out with each other and talk and pick out books. One time we went to the park and we would go to the mall and just "people watch". All just for some time together.

Sending you hugs.

**nuisance26** · 01-18-2007, 09:19 AM

~Awww. I know how you feel, it's frustrating! Maybe you could make time everyday to call him at home. If I wasn't seeing my hubby I'd be calling him every 5 minute break I had. Write notes, letters, cards. Being the SAHParent is emotionally exausting and the weekend job probably gives him the charge he needs to keep going. I try to get out of the house on weekends too. At least he's doing something productive and not mindlessly wandering in thrift stores(ME!)

~

**staceyy** · 01-18-2007, 09:38 AM

Try to look on the bright side, your situation is a lot better than being a divorced or single mom raising your kids by yourself literally. This is only a temporary situation. I'm sure your dh feels he needs this job not only for the money but also so he does not feel emasculated. When he is ready to get back in the workforce full-time, he'll have an easier time showing there has not been a large job gap.

**Emerald_Mommy** · 01-18-2007, 10:35 AM

I hate it when things like this happen with me & Philip. Hang in there, and you can vent here all you need!

**Michelle** · 01-18-2007, 10:38 AM

My situation is a lot like yours in that I barely see my dh. I am lonely too, which is one reason why I'm online as much as I am. I know it's easier said than done, but try to keep in mind that your dh is working to better your family situation. It's not like he's going out partying all the time, yk? Maybe when your debts are paid off, he'll reconsider working or maybe agree to work only 1 day vs. two or maybe even cut down on his hours.

I feel for you; I really do.

**Telephus44** · 01-21-2007, 09:21 PM

I know that as a current SAHM, I sometimes feel guilty that's I'm not contributing financially to our household, and I also feel tired of being cooped up all day with DS sometimes. I suspect your husband probably also has these two feelings, which is why he works and wants to keep him job. I know that men hate to discuss "feelings," but maybe you can find some other way to help him meet these needs?

I know that my DH always volunteers to watch DS in the evenings for me while I run errands. He knows that I take twice as long as I should because I'll stop at Barnes and Nobles or something - but it gives me time out of the house without an infant in tow.

**PrairieRose** · 01-22-2007, 10:55 AM

I'm sure it is a big change for you and I feel your pain over it Peaches. When our children were small my dh worked ALL the time. He was a farmer and wives of farmers know that the 'farm waits on no woman'

. I always felt like he was married to the farm and kept me on the side. I got used to doing my own thing at my own pace with the kids. I worked hard at contentment, but it wasn't always easy. I truly believe that we are tested at times in our lives and when we 'pass' those tests life gets better. Hang in there and work on your attitude.....make yourself look at his weekend job as something that he needs to do in order to feel as if he's contributing in a physical way to your debt reduction goals. He needs to feel 'competant'. I can tell you from someone who stayed at home with our children, he probably really needs the social interraction of being out of the house and away from the kids and the physical work as well. He needs adult conversation and stimulation that he won't otherwise get (and without you start to be really depressed). Also I'd like to pass along a pearl of wisdom that someone once said (wish I knew who it was). "A man's work is to him what a woman's love is to her". Like it or not, he's driven to work and the fact that he wants to would make you be very envied by some.

**Bethany** · 01-22-2007, 11:16 AM

We're in the same boat. Hubby works weekdays and I work evenings and w/e's. It's tough. But I try to remember that it's time-limited, we won't always have to do this. We make the most of the days off we have together (sometimes two a month) and we get my parents to take the kids once a month for a date night. It's tough and I really feel for you. Can your hubby take off once day a month?

**pkellyc** · 01-22-2007, 11:41 AM

I did it for years. They used to call me the work widow. Heck now that I think about it, I still am sometimes. DH is working 12 hour days with a 1 hour commute each way next week. Eat, sleep, and head back to work for him. We won't see a whole weekend together until sometime at the end of February.

I would get lonely too and I have had to remind myself that he was having no fun either. I know for a fact that if he didn't love us so much he wouldn't be working so hard.

**AmyMCGS** · 01-22-2007, 12:35 PM

Originally Posted by Michelle

My situation is a lot like yours in that I barely see my dh. I am lonely too, which is one reason why I'm online as much as I am. :

I only work two days a week.... those are the two days that DH is off. My DH works ten hour shifts and commutes half an hour each way. He's supposed to work four days a week, but it usually ends up that he works a few hours on his days off (not by choice). This schedule saves us from having to put the kids in daycare, but it's stressful to never have any time together. We can't afford for me to quit, so we have to make this work for now.

PM or IM (Yahoo or AIM) me any time you want to chat.