What's your description of a self-centered parent?

[frugalandsimple]

How do you think it affects the child? Did you feel that your parents were self-centered? If they were, did it affect your relationship with your parents?

[frugalandsimple]

How do you think it affects the child? Did you feel that your parents were self-centered? If they were, did it affect your relationship with your parents?

I wrote this when I was half-asleep. I'll give a few examples....Do you feel a parent is self-centered when....

they choose to party every weekend with their friends or just hanging out with them? (There's nothing wrong with having a social life while being a parent but kids deserve time from their parents too especially if the parents work or pursue their education for a better job for their family.

Work more than 50-60+ hours per week, including commute?


Having multiple boyfriends or girlfriends because the parent is trying to fill a void in his/her life?

Put their kid(s) to bed EARLY just to get away from their kid(s) or to drink/smoke with family/friends?

Send their kid(s) to a babysitter/caregiver on a frequent basis because a parent feels their priorities comes first like shopping, hanging out with friends, pursing their own interests/hobbies without their kid(s) around? All parents deserve a break from their kid(s) but I do think some take advantage of it too often

[tigo]

My parents had issues but being self-centered wasn't it. I had a dear friend who had four kids early and always seemed to be more about partying than parenting. I hated seeing the kids in the situation so even though I was a single parent, I had her kids every weekend and most of the summers as well. For the sake of my own kids, I had to break off all interaction with her a few years ago (she and her current hubby were dealing and her kids were in on it). My heart breaks, but I have to protect my children first.
I understand parent's needing "me" time and I would go out or hang out with friends on occassion when the kids were spending the night at their dad's. Didn't do the baby sitter thing or have people to the house when my kids were home.

[jkelstaten]

they choose to party every weekend with their friends or just hanging out with them? (There's nothing wrong with having a social life while being a parent but kids deserve time from their parents too especially if the parents work or pursue their education for a better job for their family.

It depends, Dh and I always take our kids with us to "hang-out" with friends because all of our friends have kids the same age and they use it as a play date and we get to have our fun too. We don't really "party" per se. We don't drink/smoke, etc. Everything we do is family oriented unless it's been a special couples' event at our church in which case they also provide child care.

Work more than 50-60+ hours per week, including commute?

No, sometimes that is pure neccessity. Before we became missionaries Dh had a 2 hour commute each way to work, just so he could have job that paid decently and we could live outside of the city. (Washington D.C.)

Send their kid(s) to a babysitter/caregiver on a frequent basis because a parent feels their priorities comes first like shopping, hanging out with friends, pursing their own interests/hobbies without their kid(s) around? All parents deserve a break from their kid(s) but I do think some take advantage of it too often

This is also a fine line... here it's next to impossible to do any real shopping with my children and since I don't drive here Dh and I have to go together. So we have to have a babysitter on such occasions. But it could be abused.

I always try to put my kids first whenever I can, but I do know of parents that just shouldn't have kids because they really don't care about them and that's very sad.

[Emjo]

they choose to party every weekend with their friends or just hanging out with them? (There's nothing wrong with having a social life while being a parent but kids deserve time from their parents too especially if the parents work or pursue their education for a better job for their family.

Every weekend is a bit much, especially if both parents are working. I think it's important that parents have some alone time (we get out once a month or so), but it shouldn't come at the expense of the child.

Work more than 50-60+ hours per week, including commute?

If that OT is to provide nicer cars and vacations, absolutely. If that OT is to provide food and rent money, it's an unfortunate situation but definitely not self-centred!

Having multiple boyfriends or girlfriends because the parent is trying to fill a void in his/her life?

Yes. I'm of the opinion that kids shouldn't even meet said BF/GF unless it's a serious relationship that's been going on for awhile. And even then, kids come first.

Put their kid(s) to bed EARLY just to get away from their kid(s) or to drink/smoke with family/friends?

Yes, although with most kids I don't think you'd have much success. DS goes to bed at 7pm, which means we can't do much in the evenings other than sit at home, so for us keeping him up would be more self-centered. Either way it's not good.

Send their kid(s) to a babysitter/caregiver on a frequent basis because a parent feels their priorities comes first like shopping, hanging out with friends, pursing their own interests/hobbies without their kid(s) around? All parents deserve a break from their kid(s) but I do think some take advantage of it too often

I agree. Having the neighbor watch the kids for a couple of hours so you can go grocery shopping in peace or catch a movie is one thing, but spending all of your "free time" away from your kids is another. Parents need to understand that kids = severely dampened social life and much less free time. It comes with the territory.

[pita1213]

my parents were pretty good about not being self-centered. my mom was a sahm for most of my childhood. she didn't go to work until i started jr high or high school. if my mom wanted to go out with friends, she went out to lunch with them while my sister and i were at school. my parents were on a bowling league that played one night a week during the school year. so one night a week we were with a babysitter. i never saw it as missing out on mom and dad time. i'm sure it was a nice break for them, and we got to do fun stuff with the babysitter. we got to watch music videos on tv ( we didn't get mtv but one of the radio stations had an hour long tv show) go for walks, play games, etc. so it was a treat for us.

dh and i do some socializing with friends, but it's usually independantly, if the kids aren't coming. for example, dh plays hockey on monday nights. i'm home with the kids while he's playing hockey. periodically, i'll go out with some friends to a movie, or go scrapbooking with my mom and sister. the kids stay home with dh. it's just enough away time to help keep our sanity. we have other friends that we do things with, but the kids come along. we go to hockey games with them. dh and a friend play disc golf and i hang out with the kids at the park while the dads play.

i have seen some selfish behavior in some of my relatives though. one tries to ditch her kid with her mom as often as she possibly can. or she'll go over to her house as early as possible so the grandmother will take care of the kid while she watches tv, or just goofs off. unfortunatly the grandmother lets it happen and won't tell her to take more responsiblity for her kid. oh and if she has her mom watch him while she goes and does something with a friend, her mom usually has to call her to get her to come pick him up because she's 2 hours late.
really drives me nuts, but if i say something it will start WWIII. and if the grandmother isn't going to do anything about it, no point in me alienating everyone in teh family.

sorry if i've rambled on or gotten off topic.

[Dancing Lotus]

I ended a friendship with someone becuase she is self centerd and I couldnt deal with it anymore. She goes out everyweekend and then sleeps all day leaving her dh to care for the kids. Then she had the nerve to judge me for doing too much for my family. I think people who arent willing to put a social life of the back burner dont need to have kids.

[brenda67]

I would say my Dad was the one self centered..My mom was always home with us kids while my dad was going to the bars finding other women..I do have a sister-inlaw who is a very very selfish woman..She works as a Bartender..do I need to say more...anyway everything is about her and the kids and my brother come last..

[Marie78]

I had an odd childhood (maybe normal by today's standards). It started out well, my mom was a SAHM until I was 8yrs old then she worked at my school until I was 11 years old. That meant she was home a lot with us and I felt protected. That all changed when my mom and dad divorced. I was 11yrs old and my mom worked late at a different job until 6pm or later. I was always home alone with my 10 year old sister. I knew she had to work, but after work she went out with her many boyfriends on a nightly basis. We were left home most nights alone until 3am or later in the morning. I don't know how she got up for work in the morning, I know I didn't sleep well until I knew she was home and I was safe again. I thought that was very self-centered behavior. It went on like this for 2 years. I used to love the weekends because I would go to my dad's house and he was home all weekend with us and I felt safe and could catch up on my sleep. Seeing my dad on the weekend was the bright spot in my life during that time period. My mom finally moved out with a man when I was 14 yrs old and we lived with my dad after that. My dad worked nights one week and days the other. I was never as scared when he was working nights, because I knew he would be home by around 2 am from work and that I could count on that. Plus I was older and not so scared of being alone. I don't think parents are self centered if they need to work long or odd hours to make money to support the family. When parents choose to leave children home alone to party and hang out with friends I think that's really self centered and neglectful.

[lullaby80]

Work more than 50-60+ hours per week, including commute?

DH works like that, sometimes even more. He only does it to provide for his family and I'm forever grateful for him for doing that. If he was self centered he would stop working and pursue his dream.


Put their kid(s) to bed EARLY just to get away from their kid(s) or to drink/smoke with family/friends?

DS goes to bed at 6:30pm. Yes, I get time to study and spend some alone time with DH but I think I would be a self centered parent if I wanted DS to stay up late so that I could sleep in in the morning. I believe that children should go to bed early, they need the sleep.

Send their kid(s) to a babysitter/caregiver on a frequent basis because a parent feels their priorities comes first like shopping, hanging out with friends, pursing their own interests/hobbies without their kid(s) around? All parents deserve a break from their kid(s) but I do think some take advantage of it too often[/QUOTE]

Whatever makes a parent be a better parent. I mean, some people just can't stnad being stuck at the house and really need that stimulation away from their children to be good parents. I'm a nanny and have seen this very often.

[annymoll]

My DH has always worked long hours, been on call and pulled away from family time, etc. We knew this would come with the career he chose.For us it meant being able to provide for our children and yes, at times, for extras and luxuries.We still enjoyed all the time that we could together, and our family memories are, and continue to be, very happy.

We also did quite a bit of socializing and loved to entertain at home.Children were always welcome.We went out on occasion without the children. We felt it was equally important to have our time together.

My idea of self centered is probably simple. I could not stand to see parents smoke around their children.I did not like to see in and out lovers.I could never tolerate swearing at a child.

[miss_thrifty]

my parents were deffently self centred. because they had nothing when they were small they tried to make it up with materialism. And if they wernt working, they were spending it on the best for their new home. And i understand that it makes them feel more secure in life, but i got he brunt of everything. "e.g. Dont bother us with your silly school problems were tired or busy", or your father isnt rich, u know"
But she went to bingo and out. hmmmmm
Oh well that was then, i now live for my family and when i decide to go back to work it will be part time till the kids get older and im ready. Im uise to doing without somethings. Thats life.

[FrugalMomof3]

I guess for me the definition of "self-centered" means: One who only cares about themselves and not their childrens needs or wants.

My mother was not self-centered, she didnt party or anything like that, she worked hard to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, she was a single mom and in no way do I feel a person working long hours should be considered self-centered, it's what they do with the paycheck afterwards that "can" be considered so.

If a parent works long hours for the extra money to blow it by drinking, smoking, drugs, partying then yes that's self-centered, atleast that's how I feel, but if the parent is working so hard so they can a night out with friends then no, he/she is not self-centered.

There are many ways that we all will say one is self-centered:

- Children in home with crappy clothes, needs new shoes, are hungry... but parent has all the latest gizmos/gadgets, goes partying, that's self-centered
- Children in home and wants a new video game and parents says no, that's NOT self-centered

Another thing I would like to mention is just because a parent does say no and is strict doesnt mean they are self-centered.