My mother is driving me crazy

[i.m.cheap]

Hi hate to come here to vent, but my mom is driving me nuts. She is 72, and needs help with some things, which I (and DH) try to do. The woman complains about EVERYTHING! Recently, she had trouble with her phone service, and was complaining about her service provider being lousy, and she wanted to switch to AT&T. She did not know how to do this. She also had no phone service at all when I stepped in to help. I purchased her a prepaid cell phone for Mother's Day, and also arranged for her phone service to be switched to AT&T. She also was not happy with her dial-up AOL, so we switched the internet to Yahoo DSL at the same time. My DH came over and did the install himself when her modem arrived. He got everything set up for her, such as her email address, showed her how to send and receive her mail (the page layout was slightly different, so she was confused), and every thing was all good. Or so we thought. She can't stand the new email, is calling and saying she has no email. She won't even answer the cell phone when someone calls, because she is afraid of the phone. Nothing ever pleases her, she complains about everything. I mean everything you can imagine. I won't go into lengthy detail.

I don't know what to do. I think she needs to be in some type of assisted living apartment. She has a husband with Alzheimer's also. He really does not exhibit many symptoms of the disease. I worry about both of them driving. She also has developed a "hoarding" problem over the last ten years or so. She keeps all of her mail. Mail is stacked everywhere. I bought her a paper shredder several years ago. I am sure it is still in the box. She also prints each and every email she receives. She has stacks of these printed emails also. Reams of neatly stacked paper. I have tried to discourage her from printing every email, but she continues to do so.

Her doctor suggested she sell her home and move to assisted living, so now she is changing doctors. I am her only child, since my brother committed suicide 19 years ago. I wish I had more influence on her, but I don't. What would you do if you were me?

[jamie79]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. When people get older this happens alot. First I think you need to find out if she has a medical condition that is making her act this way. Also with her husband having Alzheimers she is probably very stressed and worried. It is a horrible disease and she may know what he and her are in for. Also if she has no medical condition and this is all stress related then I would have a FIRM talk with her about things.

[Missy]

Oh, wow. I haven't ever had anything like this so I can't be of help there, but I wanted to offer great big hugs.


MIL was like this too, but i wound up siccing DH on the problem, never dealing with it myself. Sigh. Good luck!

[Ceashels]

I'd march right into the doctors office with her! I've been going with my Mom to hers for the past few years and it has helped.

I think a visit to a physician who specializes in the geriatric population may be the best bet. I would also recommend you go along with her. Some of her behaviors may be stress induced and some may be her way of controlling what she can. It would be very appropriate for you and her to find someone to talk to regarding these behaviors. It would also let you speak to the dr about the concerns of the driving. He may also refer your mom to a neurologist or a councelor which would offer a greater scope of testing to rule out a medical condition.

It is also more difficult to learn new tasks and sequences when older. So the new email system might need to be reviewed with her and then have her demonstrate the knowledge back. It might take a month of regularly scheduled lessons until she learns the new system. Goodness knows my DH has spent countless hours with my mom setting up and reviewing her computer programs! And she is only 66!

I wish you the best with this. You may find yourself caught in the middle of her opinions on the matter and what should be done for her and others safety.

[DJ1972]

Having worked with the elderly (including alzheimers and dimentia patients), I can tell you the most important thing I have learned, don't argue with them. It only frustrates them and makes them more convinced that they are right..kinda like teenagers lol. My heart goes out to you, it is sooo frustrating. Esp. the griping about everything, I had a grandmother that found negativity in everything. I don't know how my mom handled it, she always said that she felt sorry for grandma because she thought the bitterness and negativity came from her fear of aging/death. My grandma was a very religious woman but it was all rules and fear for her, not grace, peace, eternal love....I wish she could have found that before she died.
My prayers are with you, it is a hard situation with no easy answer.

[wanderinggrandma]

It is appropriate to talk to your mom about the negativity. Explain nicely that it is really hard to listen to someone that never has good/happy/uplifting things to say. Ask her if something nice/good/kind has happened. Bring up the beautiful spring weather--anything positive you can think of. Just keep it up and it will rub off on her. Some people just don't know how to see the good and need a little encouragement.

It is tough helping the chronically cranky.

[i.m.cheap]

Thanks for your support. I don't know what she would say about my going with her to the Dr. She is very easily offended. She has been a negative person her entire life, so that part is not new. The confusion and hoarding behavior are fairly new. She could not remember her social security number the other day. I think it is only going to get worse.

She worked as an office manager until ten years ago, so the mail thing is a little puzzling. I ask her about it, and she just says she is saving it (the junk mail) until "she has time to look at it". She has even purchased Rubbermaid totes to store the excess mail in her basement when the stacks on the table and the kitchen counters get too high. Right now, she has stacks of mail 10-12 inches tall covering her large dining room table, and almost all of the available counter space in her kitchen. She will not let anyone throw any of it away. She keeps the printed copies of her emails in the basement, that is where the computer is.

She likes to shop for clothes, too. She is very petite, and always has liked to dress nice. She never wants to discard any of the old clothing she no longer wears either. She has stacks of clothing (some in Rubbermaid totes) in her bedroom, and another bedroom in her home is filled with her clothing. The closets are absolutely stuffed. They also feel the need to own THREE cars. Two of them sit in the garage and are seldom even driven. She has a 1996 Camaro with less than 5,000 miles (Yes that was 5,000 miles on an eleven year old car) in the garage. Next to it is a Cadillac that has probably not been driven more than 500 miles a year in the last ten years (they bought the Cadillac slightly used with about 40,000 miles on it.) Both of these cars are in pristine condition. Most of their driving is done in their four door Dodge Intrepid. Her husband can hardly even get into and out of the Camaro, because of back problems. She refuses to sell either of the "extra cars". "You just never know when the occasion might call for a Cadillac!" The only place they ever travel to is the Dr., grocery store, Wal-mart, mall, and church.

I asked her a couple of years ago if she would like my help in organizing a garage sale, but she said "I really don't have anything I want to get rid of!"

[i.m.cheap]

I think the thought of having to get rid of some of her "things" will keep her from ever moving from the house. She has been that way her entire life. My dad divorced her 29 years ago, and even then she was bad about hanging onto "stuff". If she received something as a gift, she will never discard it, even if it is something she will never use. She also buys other things and never takes them out of the boxes, like an all-in-one printer, a George Foreman grill, etc. Her Christmas tree (fake) stays up year round, too. She also grew up poor, so I think that has something to do with her hoarding. If she replaces a broken appliance, like a microwave or coffeemaker, she saves the old one in the basement (just in case she ever needs a microwave that no longer works, I guess).

[coltsmama]

sending you prayers and hugs.....

[TheRootedNomad]

Big (((((hugs))))) coming your way!!! I'm finding it more difficult to deal with my parents everyday as well, so I hear your frustration loud and clear. I think in most cases people in general feel that we know what is best for others that they care about. The problem comes when the other person's belief of what's best for them is different than ours. If we do something for them with thier best intrest at heart we expect positive feedback and feel hurt and/or frustrated when it's not given. I wish I had a solution, as I would use it myself. Currently I'm trying suggesting things to my parents and them leaving them go. As an example--I'm having a very hard time with this with my father choosing not to take his medication (he says it makes him feel worse) and putting himself at risk for a dabilitating stroke. I make lots of suggestions but no longer attempt to scheadule doctor appointments for him unless he asks me to. I do agree with having the "negativity" talk with your mom to let her know how this makes you feel.
That said - a more extreme step-if the paper haording is severe enough for you to be concerned for their safety you could call social services. They have workers who specialize in dealing with the elderly. I don't recommend this though unless you truely are worried about thier safety.

[NoDebtMom]

{{{hugs}}} I don't have any advice, I just know my patience level with this sort of thing is nil. I feel for you! I have a sort of similar situation, but with another relative, it is hard not to completely lose it on them and tell them off (at least that's what I feel like doing).

[kabin63]

{{{{Hugs}}}} to you. I think this must be one of the hardest periods in life. Watching your parents decline, while they drive you crazy. Is she on any medication that could be effecting her behavior at all? Another thought is that even though her husband isn't exhibiting many signs of Alzheimers, she may be stressed out about it, waiting for it to get worse.
I have heard that hoarding is a measure to used to feel safe and in control.
I guess my only advice is to keep a close eye on your mom. Try not to argue with her. If she likes having the mail or clothing and cars around, then it might have to be that way. As long as what she is doing is not of any harm to herself it may not be worth that battle, although it will be a lot of work for you later on. Picking your battles may be a better idea at this time.

[i.m.cheap]

When I spoke to her last night, she was stressing over her husband having a physical today with the new Doctor. They want him to fast for 12 hours, which is very common before they do blood work, to check glucose and lipid levels. His appointment was at 9:00am. She was concerned that the physical would take "all day" (likely it will be less than one hour), and that he would be "starving to DEATH" (not likely, as he is at least 50 pounds overweight). She lets herself get worked up into a frenzy over small details like this all of the time. I tried to tell her that the 12 hour fasting was very common, I get my lipid levels checked every three months. She acted like him going without his breakfast was the end of the world.

[JerryG]

I feel your pain, sistah!! My mom is VERY much like yours - negative bashing at every opportunity, blowing things out of proportion, hoarding, etc. My situation is different in that I'm 1500+ miles away. So, I can't "check up" on my parents easily. However, it is very alarming when I do get home, to see the "level" of their decline.

I agree with offering to see her Dr with her, if she says no, then ask if she understands all that the Dr says / instructions, etc. That way it will appear that you are curious and concerned and (hopefully) not threatening or controlling.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

[PennyPinchinPam]

Just want to let you know you aren't alone. My Mother is a different person since going through menopause. She is 59 now so I can see it's only going to get worse. She has become very neurotic, negative, and cranky. She can also fret and obsess over the simplest of things. My poor dad can do nothing right. He tries so hard to please her and she never has a kind word for him. She hasn't been to see a doctor since my little brother was born. He is 32 now. She says she doesn't trust doctors. I'm sending you positive thoughts and strength. Hang in there!