Advice Needed!! What do you do when you dislike DD's boyfriend??

**Buckeye5** · 05-30-2007, 06:55 AM

DD's 20 years old, lives with us, just finsished community college with a 3.89 gpa, landed a good job that she loves at a nice law firm, problem: DD's bf treats her terribly. Background info: DD dated a boy for fours year steady during high school, then they broke up, (she broke up with him), she said that she wasn't going to date for a long time. Less than 2 months later, she is going steady with an obnoxious, rude and controlling guy. She cries constantly, last night did me in, he was mad at her because she lost and later found a 20 dollar bill out of her pocket at Lowes, he went nuts, and started saying nasty things to her etc. She came home crying and they fought on the phone for hours, all the while his controlling mother sits and listens to their conversation, he's 21 years old. My DD is very insecure and is needy, always has been. She is very pretty and has a lot to offer someone. This guy: she is his first girlfriend and kiss, he is not very attractive, exaggerates everything, is rude, and isn't very nice to my DD at all. I have talked to DD about this, especially last night, and she said he said he is like this because his Dad treats his Mom this way, so what!! My Dh is furiuos about this. He is disrespectful, and domineering. Do I keep my mouth shut and just listen?? I really want her to drop him, he is no good for her. Help!!!!

**Buckeye5** · 05-30-2007, 07:16 AM

Let me add, that she has been dating for 20 months. This morning, her eyes were so swollen from crying until the wee hours of the morning, that when she got up, she was still exhausted and had to wear her glasses to work, because of the eye thing. She has only been at this job for 3 weeks, and it very demanding. She is the big honcho's right hand hand man. So now this relationship, is affecting her job. She gets up at 5:30 am for work. She told me lsat night that everyone hates him. How do I be nice to him, but not encourage this relationship. She seems like she needs a guy in her life at all times. She settles for this guy. He is a bigot, and totally opposite from my DD. How do we handle this???

**JerryG** · 05-30-2007, 08:40 AM

My DS had the absolutely beautiful GF from hell. Lasted two years. I totally supported when he wanted to stay in and when he wanted to get out. I told him only he can make that decision, including the comment "only you can take care of you". If your DD has her job performance being affected by this relationship, she may need to hear this also.

I've been in a horrible relationship that my parents absolutely denied and used to fight with me over it. I dug in my heels and stuck it out for five years! It would've been better if I did not feel like I had to "save face" and could have walked when the relationship soured.

Good luck whatever you decide! Your DD is in my thots and hopes for a happier future!

**justpeachy92** · 05-30-2007, 09:36 AM

I know as a mom this is hard to see, even when our kids become adults we still want to protect them. I would try to be supportive of the relationship, try inviting the bf to spend time with your whole family. It might help him to see that not all men treat their wives like his dad treats his mother. I can also tell you when I was your dds age, if my parents were so obvious about not liking the guy I was with, out of spite I would have spent more time with him and taking the relationship farther. LOL I did do that and have been married to him for 15 years, and my parents are just now starting to like him.....guess they realized he wasn't the jerk they thought he was. I say support your dd in the relationship, see if bf can't learn by example to change his ways....and if your dd decides this isn't the man for her support that decision. Something to give your dd to think about just maybe, is that there isn't a man worth crying over, but when you do find a man worth crying over.....he will never do anything to make you cry.

**jamie79** · 05-30-2007, 09:44 AM

I agree and can I suggest that if your dd is needy and feels like she always has to have a bf then maybe some counseling for her would be a good thing

**latierra84** · 05-30-2007, 09:44 AM

is he mean to her in front of yall?
try having him over more and if he's still pulling that stuff (even in front of her father) than that should be a wake up call for your DD and hopefully she'll realize that she deserves better. - ask her how her day at work went. when she says that she's tired and trying to keep up (and its obvious that the night full of crying and the relationship is whats affecting her) remind her of what a great opportunity and experience she'll gain from her new job and how she's made it this far.. im hoping she'll take the hint that he's hurting her more than helping her.

**themartins903** · 05-30-2007, 09:57 AM

My first instinct would be to drop kick that dumb a$$ for first of all talking to my daughter that way and then politely knock the living crap out of him for thinking he could do that to a family member.

Mrs. Cleaver solution: Ask politely if you can remove one of his testicles with your new kitchen gadgets called "SHEARS".

**Buckeye5** · 05-30-2007, 10:27 AM

First, thanks for the advice. Secondly, her BF is here all of the time. He ususally isn't mean to her in front of us,(just obnoxious and rude, like saying bigot words about others) because I would say something. I have been very supportive of the relationship because I was concerned that if I hassled her about it that she would stay to be spiteful.Last night, though I just couldn't stand to watch and listen to her cry (sob) and not say anything. I told her that maybe they needed to take break and that she needed to figure out who she was and what she needed. She loves her job, and today was the first day that it has been affected. I know that she is an adult, but when she says things about him and tells what he has said and done, it is only human to remember it. I told her if she is worried about my opinion of him, than do not tell me those things. Then, I feel guilty.

**fernykins** · 05-30-2007, 01:24 PM

Any yelling name calling ism of domestic violence........... Your dd needs your support. He's 21 yo. It is just an excuse about his parent. Maybe tell your dd it's hard to like a person who makes her cry. My prays for her.
Fern

**ktsmama** · 05-30-2007, 02:44 PM

I don't know quite how to respond. I know that my dad did not like my then BF who became my DH. He even refused to pay for my wedding! He did not think that my BF was good enough for me. After 10 years of marriage, I finally realized that everything my dad said was true. Needless to say, we are divorced and every time I see him, he reminds me of why I divorced him. I do not want anyone else to have to miss 10 years of their life before they realize they are worth more than putting up with any man like that.

Good luck and your daughter is in my prayers.

**Michelle68** · 05-30-2007, 11:06 PM

It sounds like this guy is not only verbally and emotionally abusive but also potentially physically abusive. I definitely try to get your DD to go to counseling so that she can find the strength to break away from this jerk. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

--Michelle

**DJ1972** · 06-01-2007, 12:48 AM

If it were my daughter, I would not push too hard for her to break it off with him. Because, like others of said, that will put her in defensive mode and she will not only defend him, she will pity him and stay longer....for some reason when girls start defending creeps and making excuses for them, the girl starts believing the excuses too. What you might do, is get a third party involved...does she have a friend or an older woman that she looks up to that could invite her out to lunch and "happen" to bring up the relationship and offer advice? I always took advice better from a friend or mentor type person...even if it was the same advice my mom had given me, it sounded different coming from someone else...stubborn young adult thing.
Good luck and pray hard!