I'm afraid to make friends

[wildflowerpa]

You have many friends on here. They are the greatest. They don't judge you or mistreat you. When I first started reading on here (I was a lurker) I was at the end of my rope, now I know I have someone to listen. I too am considered the black sheep for what reason I have no clue , never caused trouble or got into it .(but it wasn't my mother she passed away when I was 13.) Just he rest of the family so I very rarelyl see them. If you just want to talk or vent this is the place so it.

[Hollyhandi]

Sounds like your Mom is not happy unless she's making someone else miserable. Time for you to live your life on your own terms and not hers. A counselor can help you set boundries with her, let go of the past and move on with your very happy friend filled bright future. You can do this!

and we'll all be here to support you

[GMA21]

You are not alone in feeling like you do. When my mom was alive she always made me feel like whatever I did wasn't good enough but her son {we only had same mom} she treated like he could do no wrong & it always bothered me because like you I never knew what it was that I did to make her feel that way & unfortunately we were never close I still to this day don't really have CLOSE friends either it is very hard to make close friends for me too so don't feel alone.

[Michelle68]

To everyone here who has ever had someone who has made them feel unworthy, unintelligent, unloved, etc. , I just want to say that I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Each of you are worthy of being loved and treated as the special person that you are, with so much to offer the world. As someone else said, don't let the negativity of others bring y'all down. When someone gains pleasure from critcizing and putting others down, it's usually because they are very insecure and unhappy themselves. It's not your problem, it's theirs.This is such a wonderful site of online friends and support and we're here for you. So, remember, you do have friends.


--Michelle

[Edna_E]

I am with you on this, and you can count me as friend, and I love what Michelle just said, and I can perhaps add a note of hope.

My M was extremely mistrusting and criticizing (all A's and an A minus was something to have to explain, not be proud of) and I later determined, actually insane and unstable. My older siblings have physical scars, like stab wounds and slashing scars. I "only" have emotional scars, and for many years felt that meant that I was less entitled to sympathy, understanding, or help. A few years ago, I caught myself briefly describing my upbringing to someone with psychology training, and became aware of the growing horror on her face, and apologized. Her response was "NO! It's ok. I just can't believe that you can describe what did happen to you as "ONLY" and justify it with the things that were NOT done to you!" I started looking at things differently then. The reality is that I was damaged by poor decisions on the part of an unstable parent. The reality is that I will always be somewhat affected by my past, but also that with therapeutic work I can heal and be better than if I try to pretend it doesn't matter. I have learned to draw boundaries with my M, though I often have to reinforce them. I do not tell her everything anymore. I refuse to live with her, even though financially and physically it would be to both of our benefit to do so. And occasionally I have to speak harshly and in an uncooperative manner - like asking "Why is THAT relevant?" when she starts asking about things that are not her business and are likely to open me up for criticism or manipulation. I also have responded to a wierd sort of plea for attention or reassurance along the line of "I invested my career in raising daughters to take care of me in my old age." coming from her, with my own "I don't believe any of us agreed to that contract, and do not feel that I owe you anything that does not stem from my caring about you." I refuse to consider myself to be bought and paid for by her having raised me and used me as an excuse to do thing she wanted to do - like buy season syphony tickets (which, much as I might like to have them now, I did not enjoy in my early teens). I think you might be well served to do a little reading on boundaries and possibly on co-dependency - which even if it doesn't fit your situation has some great developmental info on staying independent and staying strong.
Finally, in case anyone feels a need to feel sorry for me, I honestly don't need it anymore. I spent years ignoring, and then years feeling sorry for myself, and now have spent years learning to use the strength that can come from such things and also the empathy that it enables me to offer others, and I AM OK! There are advantages to age after all ;-)

[Mamaw]

First, God Bless you!
I also have difficulty making friends. I always think that I am too old, too young, too fat, too ugly, etc and always think I am not good enough. But as I get older, I find more and more that the only ones opinion of me who really counts is me.
Just do what you can to be yourself and to be friends with whomever you want to. You no longer need to declare everything to your mother or anyone else. Try to find activities that you enjoy doing and then do them. This way you will meet other folks who like the same things that you do. And remember all of us online are always ready to lend an ear! Hugs to ya!

[Luv2BeFrugal]

I'll be your friend, too! PM me anytime... We can e-mail, too, if you'd like.

I can sympathize...my dad was very verbally abusive to me. I thought I was worth nothing, dumb as a box of rocks, etc. It's taken me YEARS to not cry when I hear the word 'stupid'.

Get space from your mom if you can...and, in time, you'll heal... Try to find another church with an evening service...that would be great!

We're all here for you... Hang in there!

[annymoll]

This situation is very sad. And how odd, because the way you describe yourself is very different from the image I have had of you. First off, you appear to be an intelligent woman, and you ARE able to express yourself. You appear to be hardworking. In my mind I have always pictured you as very neat and well kept.I like your direct and matter of fact attitude. You have always struck me as confident.
The best advice I can give you is to decide the type of person you aspire to be, and act as though you were already her. Even if you don't believe it at first.Do it over and over and you will become the person you want to be.
Reach out it the girl you want to have as a friend. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I am happy to have you as a friend.

[BeyondFrugal]

Your Mom sounds unhappy. Someone made her that way. Now she's making you unhappy. Don't be too hard on her. She's doing her best.

When you make friends in life it's easy to be drawn to people who have subtle similarities to a parent. That's how the viscious cycle continues. You get in with people who will end up treating you, to some degree, as your parent did.

Find friends who do not bad mouth thier parents. They probably had a functional upbringing. Don't bad mouth your mother to them. They will not really want to be around you much if you do.

Avoid people who love to tell you how bad or mean thier parent was. They like to stir up misery. They thrive on it.

Your childhood is your training for parenthood. Where do you think your personality comes from?

In 30 or so years you'll look back and realize how much like your mother you are.

-Elaine

[Nada.Leona]

I think we've all made great friendships on here. Granted we might only know each other by our avatars, but in general, we know the gripes and goods of just about everyone on here. We've got a great little collection of chums on here and it feels good to be able to talk about just about anything here.

But, I know what you mean about not being able to make "real-life" friends. works with some great girls at his restaurant, and I would love to make friends and hang out with them. But my problem is, I have very little interest in anything they talk about. I have always been vastly more mature than most people my age and it has done nothing but cause me problems, socially. I don't have interests in the lastest Fergie song, or that article in Cosmo, or that girl, who, like, totally flirted with my boyfriend, and, like, was all over him, and I was like, totally, "What a bitch". That sort of thing gets on my nerves! I get along with the guy friends he has wonderfully. They all love me and just treat me like one of the guys, which I think is awesome. But you can't really gripe to guy friends about your menstral cramps, toe nail polish and skinny jeans. Well, you can, but he will have nothing to contribute on the subject.

I guess I will have to "dumb" myself down a bit. Which is really sad. I don't think I'm smarter or superior to anyone. I just get annoyed with how material their conversations are. None of them talk about personal finances, or nutrition, or house cleaning, or workouts, or the price of gas as compared to milage, etc. They have no interest in frugality, voluntary simplicity, or healthy living (unless it involves how to lose weight -- which none of them need to do).

[kaykwilts]

I am so sorry that your mother was so super critical of you. I'd be your friend in a heartbeat even though I am old enough to be your mother. So sorry your mother scarred you with her criticism.