I'm afraid to make friends

[frugalandsimple]

I want to make friends but my social phobias interfer with that. What doesn't help is sometimes, my mom makes comments that makes me feel like I don't know what I'm doing or stupid. Or she may try to manipulate me, by saying I should do this or that. She thinks, when I'm not working, I spend all my time on the computer or watching tv which isn't true. I used to go to Church that I liked but they cancelled their evening service. I can't go in the morning/during the day because I work weekends. I haven't found another Chruch that I liked yet that works with my schedule. I can still remember at times, when I was a child my mom embarrased me in front of other kids/people. Or, she'd criticize negativly on what or how I said something to someone. I will never forget the time, when I was probably about 10-12yrs. old my mom thought I stole some tickets at a Church festival and in front of other people and kids, she checked my pockets and found nothing. Boy, was I MAD that she didn't trust me. That was the worst embarassment in my life. I went off in tears and happened to find a $5.00 bill in the car parking lot which was the only good thing that day. I want to do things with people but I don't want my mom judging me or making me feel like I don't know what I'm doing. For some reason, I felt like she never really trusts me. I don't even know what I did wrong. To this day, I'm a perfectionist, selfish, and a good girl. I bottle up all my feelings inside because I don't have anyone to take to. She isn't like this with my two other siblings By the way, I'm 27.5 years old. I'd love to be friends with someone I knew since childhood but my mom will frown on that because she likes to smoke and drink alcohol. I've met her best friend and she's cool too. I have no interest in smoking or drinking and it doesn't bother me to be around others that do.

[Dancing Lotus]

I have no idea how to tell you to get passed the damage that your mom has done. I know what its like to want to make a friend but not know how to. I meet people but I often assume that they think I am inferior to them. Just make myself feel this way. If they dont call me I think they dont like me. I dnt know why or how to get over it, I will be your friend any day of the week.

[FrugalMomof3]

I will be your friend too! As I see it, you DO have friends even though we're all online we're still your friends. I dont know how to help you undo the changes your mom instilled in you but just know that friends will be your friends know matter what. I think you should make some friends and not worry about what your mom says or does.

[jenray]

I have soooo much sympathy for you because as I was reading your post it was like ready my own autobiography.

My mother critized everything I did growing up. If I chewed gum the wrong way, no one would like me. If I didn't wear the clothes she picked out for me, no one would like me. "wash your face, no one wants to play with someone like that" "toughen up, no one wants to play with a wimp"

31 years later I don't have friends either. I try, Lord, I try soooo hard but then I am so scared I'm doing something wrong to make people 'not like me', so I back away from any close contact. People scare me to death. I don't know how to change that either.

My children are my salvation. I had two children (at a young age) out of wedlock because I though these men actually 'liked' me. Haven't heard from them since. I got married to a man (and had another child with as well as one on the way) than I knew didn't love me, but thought he at least 'liked' me....and am completely miserable. But, the children are my key....I can make it better for them and that is my goal.

I give you hugs....because I know that is what I need when I'm feeling down too. I'm sorry I have no advice, just a 'i've been there too'.

[Hollyhandi]

I'm your friend also.
I never let people tell me who or who not to like or dislike.
Thats my personal business and yours to.
My advice is be friends with this girl and be happy. (JMHO )

[i.m.cheap]

I'll be your friend too! Do you live with your mom? If not, just quit sharing details of your life with her. My mother is a very critical person too. I have learn what not to mention, to avoid her negative comments.

[getnrichslowly]

I'll be your friend, too!

Lots of churches have services on Wednesday nights or bible study groups that meet on different nights, you could check into that.

There are lots of times when I feel alone. When I am not at work, I am taking care of my dad who has Alzheimer's. I feel like I am missing out on fun times that other people my age are having and it makes me sad.

But I get on here and read posts and feel better!
I hope you do, too!

[PrairieRose]

I don't have much advice but I would recommend that you read the book "Boundaries" if you can find it. It will help you in your dealings with your mom.

[Cricket1]

Wow. I'm so sorry that you were brought up this way. If I were you, I wouldn't tell my mother anything. She's just doing this to you because of her own insecurities. You can be friends with whomever you choose--you're 27 years old.

Are there places that you can volunteer? Just doing something you like may help you get over your anxieties of meeting others.

[AmyMCGS]

I'll be your friend too! Do you live with your mom? If not, just quit sharing details of your life with her. .

That's what I was thinking. One of my in-laws likes to be extremely critical of everyone in the family and what they do/don't do in terms of friends and jobs, and I can't for the life of me understand why they continue to share personal details of their lives with her-- none of them live with her. I say it's none of her business.

I'm sorry you feel this way, and I'm sad that your mom has treated you like this. You have plenty of friends here, so I have no doubt that you would be a good friend in the "real world", too.

[fernykins]

I'm 50 yo. I have very few friends. I talk more on the computer then to someone in person........... I stutter really bad so I don't like talking. You are 27. You do not have to explain anything to anybody........ just be who you are.
Ferrn

[zakity]

My parents treated my sister and I like crap. My brother was the favorite child. I am not the favorite grandchild either. I am the black sheep. I started the healing process by avoiding my mother as much as possible. I also told her as little as I could about my life. If she asks a question, answer as non-commitally as you can (think of responses beforehand). If she comments that you did something wrong, you have two choices, you can either thank her and go on with your life (because who cares what she really thinks) or you can tell her to stuff it and that you like whatever it is that way.

It took me a long long time, but I finally got to the point that I don't care what my family thinks or says. No matter what I will ever do, it will never please them. And besides, why would I want to live my life to please someone else (especially someone who picks at everything I do).

[CarolBee]

One response I've used in the past, to my mom's (or anyone else's) negativity towards me: "I'm sorry you feel that way." That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. After about 10 times they realize they aren't going to get anywhere with you. If you live at home, I'd be trying to move out - the less info she gets about your life, the better!

[bumplett]

heck, at this point I think we all need a group hug -

:

I can't offer much advice, I'm far too opinionated

but remember, you have friends here - regardless of if we *see* each other or not -

Don't let anyone choose your friends - YOU are in charge of YOU! -

[Darlene]

Sounds like your Mom is not happy unless she's making someone else miserable. Time for you to live your life on your own terms and not hers. A counselor can help you set boundries with her, let go of the past and move on with your very happy friend filled bright future. You can do this!