Nephew moving in to attend college

[banana]

I hope me and my dh made the right decision. My nephew signed up for a local community college by our house. They live approx 1 hour away and my sister doesnt want him driving back and forth since he is a new driver. Anyway she asked me to think about him staying with us. She is offering us $250 a month to offset the cost of food, electricity etc. My hubby made a list up with every specific things that he can and cannot do. We are not doing it for the $ believe me that would probably just cover the food, electricity and having my heat on all day. We are doing it to help him out but hope we wont be taken advantage of by not listening to us, etc.

the rules are as follows:

1. No phone or noise after 10 pm. (we dont want to hear him talking to his girlfriend or watching tv when we need to get up early for work).

2. No girlfriend over. He will be going home on weekends and she doesnt drive anyway and lives 1.5 hours away. So we figure if he could run to see her he could just go home everyday and commute.

3. Must be in the house by 9:30 pm and we must know where he is going and what time he will be coming home. (we feel responsible for him).

4. Clean up after himself

5. help shovel snow. Including shoveling his own car out when the plow comes down the street.

6. He can use the living room tv but my husband gets to watch what he wants when he comes home from work. (the tv is my hubbys baby, lol).

7. Ask permission before bringing a friend over.

8. Keep room clean and put dirty clothes in clothes hamper.

Do you think we are being reasonable? Our house is very small and you can hear everything so that is why the noise factor is number one on our list.

Is there anything that I might be missing? We never had a teenager before! He is a good kid but likes to sleep all day and stay up all night that is what worries me. He will be at our house a lot his school schedule
is Mon - Fri 8 - 10:40 am and Tues and Thurs from 1 - 3 pm. I need to clean and cook during the day so I am hoping that he isnt expecting to sleep all afternoon.

Any adivce is greatly appreciated.

[annymoll]

I think you were very kind to try to help, but I cannot fathom an 18 year old living under those rules. I do not expect it to last.On either side.Young people make noise, have friends, run in and out.I think he will need more independence .

[Darlene]

I think you were very kind to try to help, but I cannot fathom an 18 year old living under those rules. I do not expect it to last.On either side.Young people make noise, have friends, run in and out.I think he will need more independence .

And what a sweet Aunt you are to want to help.

I think he'd be better of commuting & just spending the nights in the winter off and on with you when the weather is bad.

[Its_Donna]

As a mother of a 16...almost 17 y/o...I have to completely agree with annymoll and Darlene.....and to keep good family harmony I especially agree with them.

[banana]

I did offer for him to stay here when the weather is bad. A day here and there would have been no big deal. My husband works 6 days a week 10-12 hours a day with a physical job and when he comes home he is tired and likes the house quiet by 10 so he can get his rest. I really cant blame him. I also have a 10 year old I have to worry about getting enough sleep for school.

Mind you my sister was practically begging for us to take him in. I look at it this way, not to sound mean, if he doesnt like the rules he can go back home. My sister said the rules are reasonable and he must follow them. I guess only time will tell. My mom also asked me to consider trying it out so between the two of them asking me and hubby decided to give it a try.

I also work from home and I need a quiet environment. He is well aware of this as well.

I hope I am not making a big mistake.

[emily_hope]

I don't think you are making a big mistake. He should be willing to follow the rules and to help out if you are willing to be so kind as to allow him to live with you. My thoughts were, is this something that he really wants to do or is everyone else deciding this for him. He may be a really good kid that wants to go to college and is willing to do what he needs to in order to get his degree. If he has to be in class by 8 each day, I wouldn't think he would be staying up all night anyway. In the evenings he will probably study and do homework. And each semester/quarter his class times will probably change. It will be an adjustment for everyone involved. It will take some time getting used to having someone else in your home and it will take him some time getting used to living in someone elses home. He can have his fun when he goes home on the weekends, assuming he will be going home for the weekends. And if he has a girlfriend there, I am sure he will want to go home in order to see her. Then he will have a break from you guys and you guys will have a break, too.
And then again, if it doesn't work out, he can always move back home. At least you will have tried and I would think it was worth giving him a chance.

[dcompton]

I agree that the rules may be necessary in your situation, but I also agree that it is asking a very great deal of a college student, especially the 9:30 curfew. It seems to me that more than anything it will depend on his own personality. If he is of a quiet, studious nature, it might work, but if he is social and outgoing, it will probably feel very oppressive and unreasonable to him. As for the driving, his parents sound a little overprotective. He may be a new driver, but we all were at one time. Sometimes you just have to be thrown in the water and made (or be allowed) to swim. That's how you become an experienced driver. But that's just my opinion. At any rate, I wish you all good luck with the arrangement.

[sdrjeolsen]

I am the mom of 2 teens and a 12 year old, I don't think the rules are too unreasonable, except maybe the being in by 9:30. Depends on what kind of kid he is and who is pushing the college decision. If he is a compliant bookworm and it was his decision to go to college then I think the rules would be just fine (that was me when I was a teen). If he is a social guy where friends are his life and this was not his decision, I would be ready for some big time rebellion and testing/stretching of the rules. One other thing you might consider is computer usage. I know my kids practically live on-line. You may have to have certain hours that the computer is available. I'm sure he will need it often for school.
My kids would stay up all night if I let them and my daughter does try to sleep all day. What's up with that? She knows to be quiet when it is after 11pm and she does for the most part. She texts a lot, reads books, does art projects, etc. so it can be worked out between the two of you.
Also you may want to set some rules about eating....or at least be aware that a teenage boy will eat at all hours of the day, will want to eat again less than an hour after a large meal and will eat all the good stuff in the house. My son never wants to cook rice or beans for himself, it is always the crackers I just bought, entire bag of grapes, 1/2 jar of peanut butter, etc. so that is something to consider.
Good luck, I don't think you have made a mistake, just make sure that you communicate often and spell out everything very clearly so there is no missunderstanding between as to rules or expectations.

[banana]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. We love him and will give it our best shot to work out. I asked my sister about the curfew and she said last year when he was a senior he was not allowed out at night past 8 pm, except for one night that he was on a bowling league and then he was home at 10. They live in the boonies. She also said that he rarely had friends over that he is really into his girlfiend and he spent most of his time with her and sorta "forgot about" his friends. She said when he is home he pretty much lives in his room and keeps to himself. That is the one thing that she is worried about that his girlfriend will be able to accept the fact that she will only see him on weekends and to not call him really late at night. She is older than him but she still lives with her parents and acts like a child (or so my sis says). They are gonna buy him a laptop so he can be in his room and surf away all night and IM his girlfriend or friends if he so chooses. As far as who made the decision about college I really dont know. I hope he is doing this for himself. I know he has been talking about being an auto mechanic for several years and this is what he is going to school for. My sis says he doesnt eat much, but I know better than that. My sis rarely cooks and the kids sorta fend for themselves. I do cook every night except for the occasional pizza when I'm not in the mood. I told him he would be on his own for breakfast and lunch. He could have cereal or waffles, a couple of breakfast bars or something else that was quick and for lunch he could make a sandwich with a bowl of soup, leftovers that might be in the fridge or he can eat out at school.

Thanks again everyone I appreciate it.

[jamie79]

Well as a mom of a kid who is going off to college in a few weeks I want to say I think your wonderful for opening your home to him. I have to disagree with the curfew though. I think its too early.

[i.m.cheap]

I also think the curfew is very unreasonable for an 18 year old. Couldn't he be given a house key, and told to enter the house very quietly if he comes home after 10pm?

Why would you always need to know where he is going? He is an adult.

[banana]

He will be given a house key. We feel responsible for him and want to know where he is going and what time he plans on being home just in case of an emergency. I will talk to my hubby about the curfew so we will see it that can be changed.

[PrairieRose]

I think it's wonderful of you to agree to the arrangement at all. It will mean a huge adjustment for your family but you might want to also consider that instead of being responsible for him this is a perfect time for him to learn to be responsible for himself. This is really the most valuable lesson kids learn 'at college' in my humble opinion. Ofcourse you want him to be safe and not to make any 'bad' decisions but since you're not his parents it's not really up to you to control him. There have to be rules ofcourse or you'd never have any peace and quiet but I do agree with everyone else that the curfew is unreasonable. Also I think he should be free to have a friend or 2 over during reasonable hours (like not every night till 3 in the morning during the work week ofcourse) but if they're at your house they're not out doing crazy things....if you kwim. If it were me I'd let him know you expect to be able to comfortable in your own home (like no unannounced guests when you're in the shower or find he had overnight guests as you trot down the hall in your robe, etc....) and he has to respect that you're working people who need your rest and he has to be repectful to your family (do you have kids?), etc... This is not a frat house and won't become one, etc... . I would let him come and go as he pleases as long as it didn't interfere with my family life and sleep cycles (too much, you'll adjust after a while), until I had reason to suspect that something is not right. If I never suspected anything like drug use or inordinate drinking or whatever I'd let him be what he is.... a college kid. Jmho, hope I didn't step on your toes. I know you're trying to do what's right and really it is so nice of you to let him stay with you while he attends college.

[Jerseygirl]

Very nice of you to allow him to come, I agree that the curfew is excessive-Even at community college I had study groups, school paper responsibilities and part time work that kept me out until all hours. Remember, all work and no play makes college a waste! ---Kellie

[FrugalMomof3]

I think your doing a wonderful thing and the rules although for an 18 year might sound pretty harsh the only one I dont think will go over well is the coming in at 9:30pm, my son who's now 17, comes in at 10:30pm on weekdays and 11:30pm on Friday's and Saturdays and he respects that he has to be quiet when entering out of respect should we be asleep, so far that is fine and works well although he will be going to college and living on campus 8/24 this year so only a bit more time for him to abide by our house rules.