I dont know what to do SCARED

**jade73** · 07-24-2007, 09:51 PM

Hello Everyone.I am a bad frugalvillage person I lurk.Please forgive me I have been married 25 years come 12-17-07 We have 4 children 3 girls older and 1 boy.I am having major trouble with my oldest.I have to say her boyfriend is something eles.She has only been dating him for 6 months and he is already pressureing her to stay over night this is her first real boyfriend (she is not a dork she has waited her her life for him) she is 23 but she knows diffrent.We argue over so many little things I told her no more but she would like us so much to like him.I have tried but I haVE to say he is very hard time.He had to work at his job on a holiday weekend she did not she came home and we all had such a good time until he called and picked a fight with her.She left but this is neither here nor there she does this all the time.She is not doing anything wrong but he makes her feel this way.
He comes from a bad family and I am afraid for her but when I try to talk to her.She does not like what I am saying.She is 23 and today she moved out on her on and I am so afraid for her.Please pray for her

**Mamaw** · 07-24-2007, 10:04 PM

First I want to give you a big ole hug! Having daughters can sure be tough on us mothers! The first 'real' boyfriend is always a hard one to get through for girls as well as their families. And it is even harder when you are not really all that fond of the boy. My daughter has brought home some boys that we liked....and some we did not. The best advice that I have for you is to give your advice when she asks for it, let her know that you support her and love her even when you don't agree with her decisions and that you will always be there for her. But at the same time, make sure she understands that she can say NO to this man anytime she wants to and that she does not have to be controlled by him. I will keep her and you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there Mom!

**sdrjeolsen** · 07-24-2007, 10:05 PM

Jade, I will pray for her. I have a 19 year old and she doesn't always think I have the greatest advice either. I wish I could just open her head and dump in all my knowledge and experience, but at that age they are just sure they know so mcuh more than their parents. There are times when prayer is all that is left...I know that sounds bad...praying as a last resort, but you know what I mean. At some point you just have to turn it over to God and trust that he loves her, created her and wants the best for her even more than you do. I will pray that He will send someone across her path that she respects and admires that would give her Godly advice. At some point, as moms we no longer have control over them and we just have to trust that what we have put into them was enough, and if it wasn't, that God's grace will overcome the situation and He will make up where we have missed it. I get scared too at times, being a mom can be so hard. I will pray for you as well.

**dcompton** · 07-24-2007, 10:06 PM

First of all, lurking isn't a bad thing. Most of us, I think, did it a while before we officially appeared.

I have no children, so I can't really imagine how this feels, but I have friends who have gone through similar things. All I can do is send good thoughts your way, and hope that this unhappy situation will turn out ok.

**Dixie** · 07-24-2007, 10:16 PM

I'll say a prayer. Being a mother isn't easy, is it? I have four kids, ages 19-29. I think it actually gets harder, as they get older.

**annymoll** · 07-24-2007, 10:34 PM

23 is a reasonable age to want to move out of the nest and begin life as an adult.It is scary as a parent to watch children strike out on their own.Sometimes they will fall, do things we don't approve of,make choices we don't agree with. People learn lessons in life with experience. "With love, with patience and with faith, she'll make her way"(Remember that song?)

**frugalfarmwife** · 07-24-2007, 11:06 PM

You've done your job in raising her and you can't be there to protect her forever, just have faith in the lessons you have taught her but know that kids do have to learn on their own.

I know I was the worst burden of all of my moms kids, in fact just today I thanked her for letting me live

( I don't know HOW she tolerated me, looking back I'd have KILLED ME many times over, I was a VERY trying child!)

Hugs to you, be there for her and pray for her, she's just spreading her wings.

kj

**i.m.cheap** · 07-24-2007, 11:11 PM

I have two daughters, an 11 year old and a 29 year old. The oldest did (and still does) some things I don't agree with. For the most part, I keep my opinions to myself. If I thought she was in real danger, I would say something. If I thought a current boyfriend was a loser, but not a danger, I would let her learn these things for herself. She has to find out some things on her own. She is after all, an adult.

I would not worry about a 23 year old getting her own place. That is a normal sequence of events. The more you complain about the boyfriend, the less you may see of them. When I met my DH, I was 33 and he was 23, with long hair and a leather jacket. My mother hated him instantly. She told all of her friends and mine that I was dating a scum bag. She did not even know him. We have been married 12 years now (he still has a full head of long beautiful hair!). My mother never has a bad word to say about my husband, now. He has always been very cordial to her, and helps her with her computer and many other things. He has always worked hard to provide for us, and we have a beautiful daughter together. He is loving, and faithful. Her first impression of him was based entirely on his hair, and the fact he was ten years younger than me.

**kabin63** · 07-24-2007, 11:38 PM

Jade, I feel for you. I have gone through this with two step daughters and now my own DD is going to be 14. I know that at some point you have to let her go and let her make her own mistakes. Hard for sure. As Mamaw said, you have to love her and support her, even when you don't agree. There will still be many times she will come to you for advice. I know that the biggest lesson I learned was that my mom was and is a lot smarter and wise than I gave her credit for when I was younger. Your DD will see that about you too. Just keep praying for her.

**Daisygirl** · 07-25-2007, 05:22 AM

Oh, Jade, big hugs. I have daughters too, and although they are young, still I know my day will come too. What I always try to do is think back to the idiotic things and less than stellar relationship choices I made when I was younger. (Not so much the relationship thing with my kids, but in relation to yours). When you were 23 or perhaps a bit younger, did you ever make choices your mom disapproved of? If so, try to remember you motivation. What drew you to this person? What kept you with this person? What I am trying to say is perhaps if you can think like your daughter, then you can talk so she will listen. When you talk like her mom she just blocks you out. It sounds like she has a very drama-filled relationship with this young man, and because of popular culture a lot of young people seem to think that is how it has to be if it is "passionate".

My next question for you, and this is not meant to offend, just to get you thinking so that maybe the two of you can relate better: Is the biggest problem for you that he has some religious and moral differences from your family? You mentioned him wanting her to spend the night with him, and I am wondering if that is a big problem for you, cuasing the disapproval. If your daughter feels your disapproval very strongly and she is already having trouble in her relationship (all the fighting), who will she have to turn to?

I had a pretty wild phase in my early twenties, and my poor mom barely survived it. I turned around in my mid twenties and am now relatively conservative. For most women there is a catalyst that causes them to change their lives for the better. Mine was the birth of y oldest child at 25.

Hang in there, and please know I am not criticizing you and your belief system, merely trying to get you to think about things in a different way.

Best of luck, big hugs and I am sending up a little prayer for you.

**Jskell911** · 07-25-2007, 06:20 AM

Jade, as someone who has put her own mother through the same thing, I can feel for you. My first boyfriend, became my first husband. He was (and still is) a loser. However, it took me 14 years and a 2 year old child to realise that just because I 'Loved" him didn't mean we should be together.

My mmom stood by me throughout the whole 14 years! What a saint! She never put me down and always had advice if I wanted it. But she knew I was gonna do what I wanted. As she has said so many times "No man is worth losing my daughter over!". She also said we would need to get married so we could get divorced that way it could really be over. Never knew what she meant, but it was true.

I needed to learn on my own, and knowing mom was right there gave me the strength I needed to become a single parent!

I never have regretted my decision to leave. And I know I did it on my own, so that makes me feel good too.

I am now married to the most wonderful man, who considers my son his very own. And the loser? Well........

So, Jade, I guess my point is keep your daughter close. This way when she finally sees this guy for what he is, she will feel confident that you will be there and not just with an "I told you so".

Good luck!

**kaykwilts** · 07-25-2007, 07:05 AM

I can understand what you are saying. I have the same concerns for my daughters. They have been sheltered and I am so afraid they will pick the wrong kind of men. I will pray for your daughter now.

**ilovechocolate** · 07-25-2007, 08:19 AM

I have a beautiful 15-year-old daughter, so I feel for you. It is very scary, raising girls today in our society.

It doesn't matter that your daughter is 23 and legally an adult----she's still your little girl and it hurts when she gets in a bad situation. From my experience, it is probably best if you try to be as supportive as you can be without bad-mouthing the young man with whom she's involved. Just let her know that you will always be there for her and you love her no matter what and that she can come to you at any time.

I will be praying for you.

**Edna_E** · 07-25-2007, 09:13 PM

Hugs and good wishes, and I will pray for both of you. I think it is very hard to watch your children make decisions that are not the ones you'd prefer - but I also think it is an important part of growing up to make some mistakes. Hopefully any decisions she makes with regard to her boyfriend will have only minor effects - and you never know, Mr. Right might live right next door to where she just moved into.

**tammy88** · 07-25-2007, 10:13 PM

i just wanted to say we all wish we had listen to our mothers more.
she'll think that too one day

im 25 almost 26 and i wished i had listen to just about eveything she ever told me.

plus she hated my husband when we dated too, and now she swears if we ever divorce she and daddy are keeping my hubby