Has anyone ever had a friend who did not enjoy being a parent?

**Daisygirl** · 08-04-2007, 07:55 AM

One of my closest friends for many years has a four year old daughter (a bit of a hellion). My friend does not like being a parent. She is a single parent with joint custody of the child. Her current boyfriend dislikes her child and yet she still spends time with him. I DON"T GET THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! I am having a lot of trouble supporing her decisons because she is not putting her child first. Lately she has been saying things like "I just was not cut out to be a mother" or "Maybe she (the child) would be better off not going back and forth all the time" . I hear this and I think to myself, she is going to give up her child for this stupid guy with a lousy track record as a boyfriend.

Lately I have found myself avoiding social situations with her. I don't know if I can be friends with someone who would sacrifice motherhood for a guy. Then I feel badly because I know I am being judgemental. I fought so hard for my children that I cannot imagine throwing it all away for a guy.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do? Was there anyway to help your friend? Were you still able to maintain a friendship with this person?

**Odilia** · 08-04-2007, 08:26 AM

I have a friend and also a SIL that don't enjoy the day-to-day aspects of parenthood: diapers, discipline, clean-up, laundry, errands, even snuggling, and story-times.

My friend just has always really wanted to work in her field (construction management). It was very frustrating for her to be a SAHM while she watched her husband's successes in the same field she felt she gave up to stay home with her kids. She was GREAT at being a SAHM, though. She excelled at every part of it, even though she didn't enjoy it. She never acted like her kids were burdening her. She was EXTREMELY happy when they reached school age and she felt she could return to work.

My SIL not only doesn't enjoy being a parent, she's not that good at it. I love her dearly, but she does feel burdened by her kids, and she's not very good at hiding that fact. The kids know she's not crazy about them, and they don't act very well around her. My brother does everything around the house and with the kids, and they act very well for him. When my brother gets really busy with his job (he owns his own construction business), my nephews either go stay with my parents, or my SIL's sister stays with my brother's family to help out. I love my SIL, but I don't understand her very well. I'm sad for her that she's missing out on her kids. They can be stinkers, but they are truly wonderful, funny, kind children.

**Dancing Lotus** · 08-04-2007, 09:09 AM

My sil doesnt like her kids at all and it shows big time. I guess thats why the state took them. THey are now placed with my mil but sil lhas been living in the same house. Crazy I know but I cant really do anything about it.

I also had a friend that claimed to love her kids but she was mean and always told them to go away. She would sleep all day while the kids tore up the house and then she would scream and yell about the messes. I stopped talking to her.

**YankeeMom** · 08-04-2007, 10:07 AM

I have an EX-friend who would say things like how she never wanted to be a mother (I've known her since 6th grade, I was SHOCKED when she & her husband decided to have not one, but TWO kids), always saying she doesn't want her kids. She's just an all-around negative person and I don't socialize with her anymore.

**babymakes5** · 08-04-2007, 11:07 AM

My SIL hates being a parent. She doesn't like her kids and tell them as much! She is divorced and makes sure that on here days off her ex has the kids and she takes them on the days she works so she can pawn them off on some else. She voluntarily give him the kids 5 days a week and only wants them 2.

**Radish4ever** · 08-04-2007, 11:21 AM

I had a friend that hated being a mom. She'd never outright say it, but when I was at the end of my pregnancy, I had to just stop answering her phone calls because they'd all go something like this (keep in mind, I had a 19/20 month old *same age as her daughter* AND was 36+ weeks pregnant), "Hey, Jennifer, could you please watch ________ today, I HAVE to get out of the house and away from her for a while!!!!!!!!!!!"

What irked me was that probably 6 out of 7 days, she had someone watching her daughter. This was not a once every few weeks kind of thing - this was EVERY DAY.

She CHOSE to be a stay at home mom, which I don't understand! I think that she's a woman that should get a full time job just to keep her own sanity.

I stopped talking to her shortly after and she unfortunately did this same thing to another friend of mine, including having her daughter STAY THE NIGHT with our other friend (who has a daughter who's 6 months younger). I've never heard of a 22 month old "slumber party"............ she even asked our other friend to watch her daughter while she AND her husband went GROCERY SHOPPING.......what!?!?! what's worse is that they'd be sitting out in the nice friend's parking lot of her apartment and THEN call and ask........so they were already there and expecting it!

**baxjul** · 08-04-2007, 11:58 AM

My SIL (her kids are grown) says that she had to smoke pot, just to put up with her kids. This is the SIL that I can not stand, and do not get alon with. Needless to say, her kids grew up with their dad, after the divorce.

**annymoll** · 08-04-2007, 01:59 PM

I think if your friend is saying that the child may be better off with the father it shows that she is able to have concern for the child. She just needs to get the child there asap.Some children are better off with their dad. Motherhood does not instantly mean that mother is the better parent.Letting a child live with father does not mean she has failed as a mother.It sounds like her judgement is poor in relationships.And she may already be aware of that.The safety of the child should come first.You will have to decide if you value the friendship enough to continue it, even though you think she is making mistakes.

**Daisygirl** · 08-05-2007, 06:50 AM

I feel so bad for her, even though I totally disagree with her. I see the other side, becuase I remember when she got pregnant, she was not yet ready. Her husband at the time threatened to leaver her if she did not produce offspring ASAP. Well, he cheated and left and now she has a child that she had for someone else. It really breaks my heart for the entire family.

The stories you have told me tell me I am not alone in this, and I also see that some of you have chosen not to have a relationship with these people. I find myself on the edge of that too. Annymoll, I agree that the little one probably would be better off with her dad, not that he is without issues himself.

There are so many people that want children, isn't it sad when perfectly wonderful children go to people that would have been better off never to have any?

**cab54** · 08-05-2007, 11:46 AM

Boy, Karen, this is so sad. I waas going to say let her give the poor kid to the dad, but in your second post, it doesn't sound like he's much of a good guy either.

But yet--I find it scary. The fact that the mom is so much more fond of having a relationship with a guy than being a mom to her daughter. I agree with you, as a mom, NO ONE could come before my sons. Even when they were teens, if I'd found myself alone, I would have never dated. And YES, I do know this about myself. It isn't fair to the kids. They don't ask to be brought into this world.

Personally, I would stay in this woman's life as long as you can stand it---so that you can impress upon her what truly good mothering is, and I would even SAY to her (when she does all this 'he is more important to her than the kid') that you find that appalling and that nothing would come before your kids for you and that she has only 18 (or so) years to be a stand-up mom for this little girl and THEN she can do whatever the heck she wants with her life. If she gets mad and won't speak to you, tough. At least it will give her food for thought about what she SHOULD be doing.

Excuse the rant. I can't stand the idea of parents putting themselves before their kids.

BTW--do think this little girl is in danger?

**annymoll** · 08-05-2007, 12:24 PM

Originally Posted by Daisygirl

Her current boyfriend dislikes her child

This is why I felt she should get the child to the father. Boyfriends dislike may put the child at risk.Based on what you have said, dad was a cheater, but you did not say he disliked or did not want his child.Poor kid.Childhood is supposed to be a time of love and security.

**Daisygirl** · 08-05-2007, 01:29 PM

No I don't think the little one is in actual danger of being abused in any way. But she is neglected to some degree (although not in a way that would jeopardize her physical safety.), and even at 4 I know she feels it if someone si not crazy about her. The boyfriend is just a young, wanna-party guy, he is not violent.

All of that being said, it does not make it ok.

**loretta12974** · 08-06-2007, 10:57 AM

i agree the little girl would be better off with the dad or another relative. i kind wonder , when i watch the news and see a woman who has killed or nelgect their child. if someone knew the mother didnt want the child and convince the mother to keep the child. and most of these woman just snap and hurt their child just because someone told them not they was wrong for what they were feeling. that person knows if they are truly appicately to raise a child. i rather see a woman give a child up to a good home instead of hurting or killing that child.

**Jaded** · 08-06-2007, 09:02 PM

You know, some people AREN'T cut out to be parents. I really don't think I was, but I thought at the time that I was doing the best I could. Looking back, I could have done better, but I can't change it now. I've just started getting really close to my kids in the last couple of years. Christmas was a real breakthrough for us. We're all much closer now, and understand each other much better.

**frugalandsimple** · 08-06-2007, 10:15 PM

I have a cousin who terminated her parenting rights and gave full custody to her ex-husband. The little girl was about 2.5 years old at the time. Short version of the story. It sad the way things turned out for my cousin. My cousin got married at 17 & had a baby at 18. She was consumed with her schooling and went overseas to continue her education leaving her ex-husband & daughter at home. While she was overseas, she got involved with drugs and had an affair. Now, she's back home but with mental health issues and has gained a lot weight. She doesn't even have a job. I don't even think she going back to school because last semester, she didn't do very well. Since she doesn't have a vehicle, she stays home a lot.