Need Advice

**sunnysideup** · 08-21-2007, 06:01 PM

I have a MIL that my husband and I don't have a very good relationship with. Its been rocky at its best and we hadn't spoken or seen her in over a year before letting her know we were expecting a child. This is her only grandchild and she has gone a bit overboard with the gift giving and now all of a sudden wants to have "family" activities and want us to come over and visit.

When we told her we were having a baby, we didn't want to have a "family" relationship with her because we never have. My husband has been at odds with her for years before I even knew him. We don't mind being polite and letting her see our baby, but don't want anything more. My husband refers to it as the kind of thing when you let someone know you just want to be friends and nothing more.

We have decided we don't want gifts from her for ourselves because we don't plan to buy her gifts for anything. I need advice on how to tell her without upsetting her, even though I don't think its possible. We don't mind if she wants to give our child gifts, but we just feel uncomfortable accepting anything from her because of our relationship has gone over the years.

Anyone have advice on how to approach the subject with her?

**Mamaw** · 08-21-2007, 06:28 PM

I dont know the specifics but do you think she wants to try and make up for whatever went wrong between her and her son for all these years? I think it will be difficult to allow a relationship between her and your little one without having a bit of a relationship with her yourself. Would it be possible to work on the relationship for the sake of the family? If you really dont want any relationship then I would not accept gifts from her for the baby either. Good luck!

**ravenmaniac** · 08-21-2007, 06:37 PM

Unfortunately I don't think there's anyway you can tell your MIL without hurting her feelings. As long as you do it respectfuly and be honest with her there's really nothing more you can do. If she decides to give you gifts you can choose whether or not to accept them. I personaly would refuse and remind her that you don't mind gifts for the baby but not for you. It is your family. You make the rules and set the limits. If her coming into your lives could cause a major disruption is it really worth it? Is he ready for a relationship with his mother? These are all things you and your spouse need to decide. Take things slow. A little prayer might help too. I wish you and your family the best.

Carrie

**sunnysideup** · 08-21-2007, 06:41 PM

Originally Posted by Mamaw

I dont know the specifics but do you think she wants to try and make up for whatever went wrong between her and her son for all these years? I think it will be difficult to allow a relationship between her and your little one without having a bit of a relationship with her yourself. Would it be possible to work on the relationship for the sake of the family? If you really dont want any relationship then I would not accept gifts from her for the baby either. Good luck!

She has always tried to use money as a form of control, so we have already asked her to not buy large gifts for our baby. The main thing is we don't plan to give her anything for birthdays or christmas and never have given her anything and now that she wants to give us things, we feel awkward accepting anything. There really isn't much of a family to speak of. It is just her and her husband who is my husbands step father. We don't have a good relationship with anyone on his side of the family really. My MIL would bring our baby gifts even if we told her we didn't want her to.

**McD** · 08-21-2007, 07:10 PM

Personally, this is something I would have your husband do. It's his mother and chances are, she won't listen when you tell her.

**cdmom** · 08-21-2007, 07:28 PM

Maybe this child will bring your family closer to your husbands family. I totally understand the control thing with money (been there). You and your spouse could set some ground rules (your rules), such as no gifts. Grandparents can be very special people in childrens lives. If possible, I would try to make amends with her for your childs sake. Maybe the thought of an expectant grandchild has changed her ways. If she behaves badly then you can cut her off. By the way, Grandparents make for great babysitters! jk. Good luck with your decision and congratulations on your pregnancy!

**KittyKat** · 09-03-2007, 04:24 AM

I was looking through older posts and this topic came up. I've dealt with this for some time now.
I'll share a different perspective though.

Of course I don't know anything about you sunnysideup or your husband- so I won't direct my comments that way.

Let's just say I used to feel judgemental towards my own MIL the first few years of marriage. My hubby didn't have a good relationship with his mother during his childhood. He told me things that I didn't know if it was the truth or not. I didn't know what to believe in regards to his mother when we first got married. He told me things that made her seem like an evil witch. When I met her she was very nice to me and didn't treat me bad at all. She tried really hard to help my husband too. If his parents saw that we couldn't afford something, they graciously offered to give us money. My hubby through a fit and ranted about not wanting anything from her or him. My MIL cried and asked what they did wrong. I was upset because I didn't know how to handle my husbands akward mood swings. I later found out that he was diagnosed as having manic depresion and that was very scary.

My husband would do deliberate things just to upset his mother. I couldn't figure him out. Why would someone do that to their own mother. I could see the confusion on her face and she tried her best to fix things to make him love her again and be with the family. I had to take my husband's side of things, even though I probably should've stayed out of this problem he had. I didn't want her to hate me for any reason. My own mother would have died if I treated her like my husband treated his mother. I know my rear would have been kicked to high heavens if I showed disrespect.

One day I did get my MIL to talk with me privately and she told me things that finally put all the pieces together so I could understand my husband better. Her stories all seemed to come to one conclusion. My husband doesn't feel like he fits into his own family. It's like he's an outsider. He has a large family but doesn't feel bonded to them at all. I think it's weird that he is jealous of his siblings too. They are nice people, but there's nothing to be jealous about in my opinion. It's just my husband that feels that way.
After listening to my MIL she shared typical Mommy stories like..
My boys would drive me nuts like most little boys do. She said my husband had issues and never seemed to fit into social things with kids his age. He always seemed lost in his own fantasy world. He hated school, but was really a smart kid. She said he was a genius and was proud of him.

Now that we have been married for awhile and have our own kid, I realize what his mother must have gone through raising him. He is a sweet person to me and others, but he is somewhat irresponsible as a husband. He expects me to do more than my share in our relationship. He seems immature when dealing with our own baby and other family members. I'm almost 30 and it's like being married to someone that is 14. I love him, but now I understand my MIL a little bit more than he does. She really loves her son. I can tell by seeing how hard she tries to be in our lives after he hurts her feelings so badly. My husband wants to have his mother's love, but thinks that she controls him in some way. It's really weird to be stuck in the middle of all of this turmoil. If my husband felt differently and I had a chance to be close to my MIL - then I think we would have a great time doing things together. We seem to have some of the same interests and I think she's an interesting person in alot of ways. I wish I could just relax and see where things will go in the future. One thing I will never do is keep my children from their Grandparents. They need to know them and the rest of the family. My MIL & FIL are wonderful to my kids. I see alot of JOY on their faces when Grammy and Pop show up to visit. I can't take that away, no matter what my husband says about his mother.

Time does heel old wounds if you have forgiveness and compassion in your heart. I'm trying hard to teach my husband those things. He's starting to come around now. Please don't give up and don't drive those precious grandparents away.

God forbid if anything should happen to your baby's health and she needed them to save her life, what would you do? That's what I keep telling my husband anyway.

I'm sorry this message is so long. My prayers are with you all.