ADVICE

**DAAC3DEC** · 08-22-2007, 02:41 PM

O.K---advice please!!!! I cannot be the only one here that has a hubbie that does not get this.....he was raised with money and doesn't believe in being frugal AT ALL!!! He is always telling me that if he works all the time he should but all of the toys his little heart desires..........he subscribes to that group of people that feels that "the person that dies with the most toys, wins"--has anyone else had to deal with a BIG TIME SPENDER???? I need help!

**ktsmama** · 08-22-2007, 04:26 PM

Yes, I was married to one. Note the aforementioned WAS.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I really have no advice because I was never successful at getting mine to change. I will be sending good vibes your way!!

**DAAC3DEC** · 08-22-2007, 04:43 PM

I did catch the "was"--not looking to good I guess.......In talking to him just a little bit ago he let me know that he just paid off a signature loan he had for a year, but that he was going to go sign for another because he wanted to buy some new hunting items...

....his only defense is that he does let me handle everything money wise, he gets an "allowance" and I figure everything else out, but I also don't tell him what "we" have saved--:surprise:--he expects that he should as least have an "allowance" (and maybe he should) but my thoughts are if he has that, then the rest is my business...........is that wrong???

**frooz** · 08-22-2007, 04:56 PM

Sorry but I was married to one too, he had a huge income but still always managed to spend more than he earned and racked up credit card debt, and to this day he still complains he's poor even though he makes twice what my new husband and I do combined.

**tbs727** · 08-25-2007, 11:18 AM

Dh and I were in a similar situation so I decided to turn over the bill paying to him. I know this won't work for everyone, but when he started seeing how much money was going out and how much was coming in, it gave him a new perspective on spending. I'm naturally frugal, he's naturally a spendthrift but we're meeting in the middle. I agree that your husband should have an allowance, the amount of that allowance is up for debate. DH and I both have one, but we're living on a small income with him going to school so its only $25 each every two weeks. DH goes through his in a couple of days but it's his to do with what he wants. Good luck to you.

**DAAC3DEC** · 08-25-2007, 11:37 AM

13 years ago I tried that tactic, we filed bankruptcy--won't do that again!! You nailed it on the head though he just doesn't know what bills are at all-the other day I got some information in the mail regarding our escrow amount was being changed so our house payment would be different, he looked over my shoulder and said "that's what our house payment is??!!??"---He just really has no clue...

**Jaded** · 08-25-2007, 11:38 AM

Sit him down and show him where every penny goes, and why it's impractical for him to spend so much. If he still doesn't get it, I don't know what to tell you. I HAD one like that too. After he overdrew the checking account a couple of times, I took his cards away, and put him on an allowance. I finally left his stupid ass.

**Marie78** · 08-25-2007, 11:49 AM

I am sorry you are going through this, my guy grew up in a house with money. He doesn't buy very expensive things though, he knows he can't afford it. I have had to convince him to be more frugal though, to bring down the cost of everyday expenses. He was not on board in the beginning, now he hounds me about things: making sure we are only buying store brand items, and using our paper lunch bags until our food falls through the gaping holes! LOL

Maybe if your Dh sees how being more frugal or not spending as much, can save money. It was different, in our case we had to make the bills and saving money on the grocery bill and not eating out as much allowed us to do that. Good Luck

**DAAC3DEC** · 08-25-2007, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by Jaded

Sit him down and show him where every penny goes, and why it's impractical for him to spend so much. If he still doesn't get it, I don't know what to tell you. I HAD one like that too. After he overdrew the checking account a couple of times, I took his cards away, and put him on an allowance. I finally left his stupid ass.

I just scared the cat who was sitting on my lap when I laughed over your last line!!! hahhahahaha!!

**ravenmaniac** · 08-25-2007, 01:16 PM

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I am in the same situation. 15 years ago we filed bankruptsy. It was mortifying. My husband is now 40 and just starting to "get it". Notice I saud JUST STARTING to get it. I gave in all the time to his "wants" that he thought were needs because I didn't want to hear his mouth. We are very slowly getting it together. My husband wanted to ignore the bills because if they aren't there they don't exist. I make him look at the monthly bills and budget I have set up. I have a ledger I write all our income and expenses in and make him look at it every time I pay a bill. He doesn't always want to look but I share the info. with him. Both our husbands need to understand life has its expenses, they need to be paid first. My husband is coming around. I love him dearly. We enjoy eachothers company and spending time with our kids and other family members. I'm the one who has starting setting the example and setting the limits. It's not fun, especialy in the begining, but it is getting easier. Some frugal things I've been telling him for years he acts like they're his ideas now!

You need to evalute your sitution. The conversion process is slow. You may not get him to change. I would try to have a short talk with him first and let him know you'll be looking at the bills together, the income and the outgo. Try one frugal idea at a time. Just an example: Like making coffee in the morning instead of stoping and buying. Write down how much it costs per month to buy a coffee and how much it is to make it at home. Show him the savings and tell him that can be used to save towards a gadget. Let him treat himself once in a while to a coffee out so he doesn't feel totaly deprived. Again, it is a slow process. Don't overwhelm him with a bunch of frugal ideas and total deprivation. They are like kids and need short, to the point answers. You have to be the one to take control. I didn't want to. I wanted my husband to be the head of the household, be the man of the house, and take control of the situation. I finally had to be the one to take control and stop feeling sorry for myself wishing I had one of those husbands who was wise fiancially. Believe me I didn't want to but things are getting better.

This is also a chance for you to see if this will make or break your marriage and that is frightening. But it sounds like you are not happy and need to start taking care of yourself and taking control of your situation. It is no fun feeling sad all the time, sick to your stomach, and wishing your husband would swoop in and say it'll be fine he's going to take charge. You've got to take charge for yourself. A great resource is the the Complete Tightwad Gazette. Go to your public library and check it out. there are several articles on converting a spouse. It might also be a source of support for you. I know it is for me. Sorry if I've been rambling but I know and feel your pain.
I wish you the best.

Carrie

**DAAC3DEC** · 08-27-2007, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by ravenmaniac

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I am in the same situation. 15 years ago we filed bankruptsy. It was mortifying. My husband is now 40 and just starting to "get it". Notice I saud JUST STARTING to get it. I gave in all the time to his "wants" that he thought were needs because I didn't want to hear his mouth. We are very slowly getting it together. My husband wanted to ignore the bills because if they aren't there they don't exist. I make him look at the monthly bills and budget I have set up. I have a ledger I write all our income and expenses in and make him look at it every time I pay a bill. He doesn't always want to look but I share the info. with him. Both our husbands need to understand life has its expenses, they need to be paid first. My husband is coming around. I love him dearly. We enjoy eachothers company and spending time with our kids and other family members. I'm the one who has starting setting the example and setting the limits. It's not fun, especialy in the begining, but it is getting easier. Some frugal things I've been telling him for years he acts like they're his ideas now!

You need to evalute your sitution. The conversion process is slow. You may not get him to change. I would try to have a short talk with him first and let him know you'll be looking at the bills together, the income and the outgo. Try one frugal idea at a time. Just an example: Like making coffee in the morning instead of stoping and buying. Write down how much it costs per month to buy a coffee and how much it is to make it at home. Show him the savings and tell him that can be used to save towards a gadget. Let him treat himself once in a while to a coffee out so he doesn't feel totaly deprived. Again, it is a slow process. Don't overwhelm him with a bunch of frugal ideas and total deprivation. They are like kids and need short, to the point answers. You have to be the one to take control. I didn't want to. I wanted my husband to be the head of the household, be the man of the house, and take control of the situation. I finally had to be the one to take control and stop feeling sorry for myself wishing I had one of those husbands who was wise fiancially. Believe me I didn't want to but things are getting better.

This is also a chance for you to see if this will make or break your marriage and that is frightening. But it sounds like you are not happy and need to start taking care of yourself and taking control of your situation. It is no fun feeling sad all the time, sick to your stomach, and wishing your husband would swoop in and say it'll be fine he's going to take charge. You've got to take charge for yourself. A great resource is the the Complete Tightwad Gazette. Go to your public library and check it out. there are several articles on converting a spouse. It might also be a source of support for you. I know it is for me. Sorry if I've been rambling but I know and feel your pain.
I wish you the best.

Carrie

I HAVE TO SAY YOU ARE RIGHT ON IT.....BASICALLY DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH OF THIS I AM REALLY UP FOR......WE DID TALK A LITTLE, BUT HE STILL FEEL THAT HE "DESERVES" WHAT HE WANTS.......I AM TIRED OF FIGHTING I REALLY AM....FOR NOW I HAVE IN MY HEAD THAT HE CAN JUST HAVE HIS ALLOWANCE AND I WILL DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO, HE WILL BE HAPPY WITH HIS STUFF AND I WILL SAVE MINE AND THEN WHEN I COME TO A DECISION ON WHAT MY LIFE WILL HOLD FOR ME I WILL HAVE SOME SAVINGS TO BACK ME.......RIGHT NOW I NEED HIS INCOME TO PAY OFF DEBTS, IT SOUNDS HARSH AND COLD, BUT IT REALLY SOUNDS WORSE THAN WHAT I AM TRYING TO DO, I KNOW----DON'T THINK BAD OF ME....

-IT IS JUST SURVIVAL INSTINCTS, PREPARE FOT THE WORSE.

**mommy4ever** · 08-27-2007, 11:44 AM

It really helps if he sees what has to go out. But today many have that attitude of entitlement

and it makes it very hard to deal with.

I'd do a spread sheet with what comes in and what must go out. What kind of cushion you need for any bills that may come up. etc. It may or may not work. I have a hubby that's like that. He's insistent we hurry and pay off bills, yet he went through $100 in 2 days. Part of that was for gas, but STILL. I just kinda work around that. I'm working on MY debts first, since he doesn't really care over all. I do keep his cc clear though as it is a high interest card. I did pay off one of his other cards as well, so it's that much less payments to make. But his other 2 are 2 of the largest, so I'm just making the payments, trying to minimize their use. After years of trying to pay those 2 off, and my own bills min payment only, it's gotta stop. SO, I'm paying mine off for a change. And doing things my way. Once he sees some progress in different things maybe he'll come on board, but he won't see our EF, because it'll burn a hole in his pocket.