Sandwich generation

[forHISglory]

Sometimes people call the situation I am in "sandwich generation" or "oreo generation". Whichever, I am the middle, surrounded by aging parents and needy children.

My parents are elderly, but still live alone on their farm. I am proud of them for their independence when many their age just vegetate in nursing homes. But we live in another state, and it's tough to take care of them from a distance. For example, they had an ice storm recently and could not get out (nor could anyone get in). Mom slipped on ice and fell but reported that she broke nothing. Dad got sick because of no heat in house for 3 days. Meanwhile, I am here and feeling helpless, and feeling like I should be there to care for them. We do try to see them several times a year, and we spend our visiting time cleaning their home, shopping for them, doing needed repairs, etc.

On the other hand, our son's family is going thru some really hard times right now. They live in still a different place. We try to see them as often as possible, and again, we spend time trying to help them out with their situation.

I have a deep love of family. And I believe love always means sacrifice. We don't mind helping and doing. But we sometimes feel caught or trapped in the middle of this sandwich. It seems impossible at times to help both. It's at times like this that I just want to wrap up in a blanket and ignore everything.

Are any of you part of this sandwich generation? Are you trying to care for both parents and children (whatever their age?). How do you handle it? I appreciate your prayers, but also your solid and sound advice, or your story.

[Moor]

i am in that situation.
my mom is in a nursing home. two hours away. my sister lives close to the nursing home, so i feel a little better. but i have three kids still living at home.
my mom doesn't understand that i just can't pack up and come see her every week.
i would love nothing more. but with the price of gas, my back and other medical problems, plus the kids, i just can't do it.

i know what you mean though about being caught in the middle. my dh's family is always saying that we pick my side over his side. but that's just not the case. all of my dh's sibling's live in the same state as us. most of them live closer to the in parent's than we do. but we are always the ones that they call when they want or need something. but there have been times that we have had to tell them no, because we were already committed to doing something else, for my family. like going to see my mom, or taking care of something for her. and the in laws just don't understand this.

so yeah, i know how you feel.

{{hugs}}

[Edna_E]

I'm in that position. My father has died, but I am still trying to help with my mom, and I have a semi-grown son who still needs help sometimes. I don't know that I handle it all that well - mostly I pray alot and I try to think what I can do that I will feel good about a week/month/year from now. Good luck to you!

[catzz64]

I don't know what you would call my DH and my generation...we have aging parents (60's) with ailing health, and still living grandparents with ailing health; but also have young children; 3, 13, and 22. I guess WE are the sandwich but we are having a VERY hard time on our own! I sometimes think things were so much better when families stayed under one roof and helped the next generation, though I know that wasn't perfect either!!

[mom2matty]

I'm also there......my Mom will be 80 in March and lives nearly 400 miles away.......I worry about her like crazy! She still lives in the home she and my Dad had......Dad died 12 years ago. My oldest sister lives with her now.....she isn't married and has no children so it works for them. I still worry.....I do call her several times a week and we try to get up to see her when we can. I also have a 20 year old dd who is a junior in college......thankfully she is still living at home where I can keep an eye on her......and I also have a 14 year old son!

[jvera]

Yes, me and my husband are trying to take care of older parents and young adults too.

My FIL is 83 and is he widowed now. After my MIL died he was suicidal so me and my husband agreed that my husband would go live with his father 4 days a week and then come home on weekends. I really miss my husband but when we are together we really enjoy each others company and we don't argue about anything. The only thing is my husband feels like he is missing our 15 year, but truthfully they get along better now and they spend hours together on the weekend. They didn't do that before.

And we have two older kids, DD 27 and DS 26, who still need financial help. We still pay for their cars and insurance.

And my mom is in her late 70's and lives in another state and she has a hard time financially too, so we send money when we can to her too. We will continue to help them until my husband retires, then all extra money to them will be cut off because we will have a tight budget ourselves.

[PrairieRose]

Yeah, we're there too. Even though right *now* at this very moment our dkids are all self sufficient...our youngest has just graduated with her 2nd degree and is gamefully employed ( ) but we have been there... . My parents (80-ish) moved back to our small town about 10 years ago, then moved to the next town over (17 miles away). 2 years ago we moved them back to town so we could be nearby to help care for them in their own home. My mom has since died and my dad is alone now, not wanting to leave his home. Sssoooo I worry and fret over him a lot. He's basically still self sufficient which is wonderful but, well, you know. In the 10 years since they moved back closer there have been multiple surgeries, illnesses and broken bones (mom had osteoporosis and would fall and break bones) and I was the only sibling close enough to take care of them. I had kids at home then and it was not easy, I'll tell ya, to do everything for everyone. Looking back, I don't know how I got through some of it without losing my mind. It's not easy....being sandwiched but somehow you just get through it, one day at a time. (oh, and yes, feel guilty quite often..... )

[cab54]

I'm there. Actually my ds's are fairly settled at college and grad school. But almost instantly our parents became less independent. My parents divorced when I was in Jr high, so that makes two homes to go to. And his dad fell in October, and is now semi-paralyzed. His mom----well, she's just a mean, drama queen, hypochondriac. She just keeps us running for fun. We are both the oldest, dh is retired and I don't work outside the home. So--who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters? Nope--us. We are the go-to guys. We don't mind, we love our parents. But it is busy sometimes.

And right now, we have taken in MIL's dog while she 'recovers' from yet another elective surgery. She's a cute little dog, and we like her, but she poops all over the house, because MIL never trained her.