Need input/advice (LONG)

**FrugalMomof3** · 01-23-2008, 10:14 PM

Ok well here goes:

My grandmother just moved down from TN on 1/10 and is now living with my mother. My grandmother is 85 and uses a walker to get around, she has no cartilidge(sp?) in her knees, ok fine....

I came over to visit with my mom on the 12th and she asks me if I could come by some days during the week (M-F) when she's at work to stay with my GM for a while, of course I say yes... she says she will pay me and give me $ for gas in my car. She doesnt say an amount but says "We will talk about it" and then my step-father says he wants to give me $40 a week for gas, I say ok.

Ok... I started coming over to stay with my grandma on 1/16 and I get there at 8:30am and dont leave till 5:30pm and it's been like that since then.

So I stayed with my grandma Wed, Thurs, and Fri everyday from 8:30am to 2:45pm, I leave to go pick up my DD from school and come back, I get there at 3:20pm and stay till 5:30pm each day.

On Saturday we have a late Christmas for my GM and after everyone leaves, there is me, my DH and all my kids there and my mom comes out and hands me $60 saying "This is for helping me with GM, $20 a day!" I am like a little angry because I usually do my house stuff, shopping, etc each day and now she tells me $20 a day for 9 hours a day ESPECIALLY when she says she will talk to me about it and never does.

Ok so I take the $60 and I am a little dissapointed because if it were the other way around she would have been like "HECK NO! I am taking care of GM 9 hours a day and you want to pay me $20 a day, that's like $2+ an hour." I dont say anything because I dont want to start an arguement or anything, that's just how I am.... BUT I am waiting for gas money and I never get it... so I spent $30 on gas for my car which means I only made $30 for 3 days work or $10 a day!

I am a peace keeper by nature and I love my GM but I am neglecting my home, my DH and my dogs to be with my GM everyday, what would you do? I want to mention atleast the gas money but I am afraid everyone will get angry with me. But $100 a week minus $40 for gas, laves me with $60 a week for 45 hours or work!

I need opinions

**perSue** · 01-23-2008, 10:27 PM

honestly i'd sit both mom and step dad down together and say "here's what you both told me on separate occassions...."

also mention how you don't mind helping out and enjoy spending time w/GM... BUT... family/chores/errands/etc are being neglected at YOUR home.

Is there any way to create a schedule?
Only these days of the week?

Or what about:
8:30 - 10am.... rest of the day is yours, but you'll stop by in the afternoons after picking up DS from school to CHECK on GM.

Or something like that... where you're not there ALL day long.
I'm sure if GM needs something, she can call. Otherwise, stopping in every so often, would she be ok?

If nothing else, tell your mom that Assisted Living costs about 2000$ a month minimum (depending on where you live). Your asking for 160$ a month.

I'm not sure what else to tell ya, but I hope a peaceful resolution can be found.

**Marie78** · 01-23-2008, 11:29 PM

My grandma lives with my mother, she's 76 and is able to take care of herself during the day. My step-father checks on her at lunchtime and then my mom gets home by 5:30. She can call them if she needs something during the day.

Is there anyway your family can figure out a schedule so that you aren't the only one taking care of grandma? I would ask for the amount that you want each day too. It's not fair that you are expected to be the care giver all day everyday though. I wish you luck with this.

**Daisygirl** · 01-24-2008, 05:20 AM

Wow, what a difficult situation. I agree you need to talk to them about this. You don't strike me as a very confrontational person so it will be hard for you. I think the most tactful thing is to do it quickly before the resentment builds up. Tell them you will be happy to treat this like a job, but they must respect the time you spend and the things you do by treating you like an employee in this one situation. Point out what they are giving you hourly once you take out the gas money. I think it will be eye-opening for them, as I doubt they are trying to rip you off. People just don't always think things through.

Good luck with this. I would NOT continue goig over there for wat youare currently being piad.

**carlitasway** · 01-24-2008, 09:01 AM

I would sit down and nicely explain what you told us. I would also set up some boundries asap. Politely explain you have a family and home to take care of. Think about how much money sounds fair to you then discuss it. It's not mean, it's fairness and balance.

**Ceashels** · 01-24-2008, 09:33 AM

Hugs to you for staying with your GM. I also recommend telling your parents nicely that it isn't cost effective for you to continue spending so much time there. Have the figures for gas and mileage, the breakdown of hourly pay, with you. I don't think they would mind paying you more if they realized what the breakdown is really like for you. I don't think they are understanding the cost of gas and time from your home.

Could your GM hang with you at your home one day a week so you can get the things done that you need to do? Your Mom can drop her off and incur the gas (and time) expense herself.

**mommy4ever** · 01-24-2008, 09:46 AM

how dependent is your grandma? Sure she has a walker but does that mean she needs some one there 24/7? I'm sure she'd like some down time to lay down and nap, or read or play solitaire. That woudl take care of the afternoons for her, and if you pop in after school to see if she needs anything, but just a pop in, not stay until 5:30.

What they are offering you, is insulting, they may as well give nothing, I'd be less insulted.

I'm not sure what her condition, but my grandma at 85 was a sharp lady, she just needed some one to check in on her routinely. She hated to be a burden on anyone. For us checking in was tea in the afternoon and a round of crib. If she had errands or needed help, we'd do it then. If she was fine, we didn't push. We discreetly check her over, she had congenital heart failure, so look at her lips, her nailbeds for coloring. Made sure there was no obvious bruises, as she sometimes fell. But we didn't babysit her, she didn't want that. I know she knew we were checking on her, but she also knew we worried and loved her to pieces and DID want to spend some time with her.

How far do you live from her?

I'd think your parents should be able to set her up for the morning, breakfast, etc. You could go before lunch visit, make sure she's eating, has an errand, etc. Set her up for a quiet afternoon. let her rest, and then check on her after school.

Also, are there any senior drop in centers? My grandma spent MANY afternoons there, and evenings, playing cards and visiting. They'd watch movies, play bingo, have craft days. I don't know if there was a fee, but it gave her something to do with her peers. You grandma may not know anyone there...doesn't matter. My grandma didn't even speak english. She met a few that spoke french, and they had a blast teaching her key words so she could communicate sufficiently.

There's no reason your grandma needs to be housebound the whole time unless there are major health issues, but finding other seniors will keep her spirits up, and lighten the load for everyone too.

**leezza** · 01-24-2008, 09:50 AM

First a question: does your GM need full time care????

Personally I think this is putting a lot off on you......If your GM needs full time care your Mom should see about hiring a nurse or something.

I can tell that you are a good hearted person but I think you are being taken advantage of......talk about it, but also I don't think you signed on for 9-5 M-F....did you???? You have a home and family that are your first priority.

JMHO,
leezza

**justpeachy92** · 01-24-2008, 10:45 AM

I am wondering if your GM needs fulltime care also, and if your mom looked into the cost of that prior to asking you. My mil does in home care for seniors. She gets paid $150 a week to spend one day a week visiting one elderly gentlemen in the nursing home. She was one of his caregivers before he went into the home, then she worked 7 days on and 7 days off for $1300 a week. The lady she spends weekends with now, Friday evening through sunday evening, she gets $600 a week. She was just interviewed by another family, and if she takes that job it will be 3 days a week while they are at work for $125 a day. So to be honest with you if GM needs the care, and if mom looked into it, I would be inclined to think you are being taken advantage of so they don't have to pay the costs of bringing a caregiver in.

**Samigirl** · 01-24-2008, 01:22 PM

I have a friend who is getting paid $10.00 an hour to care for her mostly bedridden grandmother. It's good pay, but I couldn't do it. It's one of the hardest jobs ever. I think you need to calmly address the issue with your parents, tell them what you need in order to do the job, and if your mom gets mad, she gets mad. I may be way off base, but I suspect she may know how to manipulate you through your emotions. You need to teach her how to treat you as the grown adult you are. I know it's hard....I'm a peacemaker too. Good luck, I hope it all works out in your favor.

**forHISglory** · 01-24-2008, 01:58 PM

It's such a privilege to be able to spend time with your grandmother, but you do need to get this scheduled and down in writing. It's too easy for everyone to make assumptions about time and money.

If your parents are like mine, they are out of touch on some expenses. It's not that my parents would ever want to short me, but they just don't fathom wages and costs today. So writing expenses down and showing it in writing can sometimes help.

I like a previous idea about senior centers or day care. Or perhaps something like LifeLine (the buzzer they wear and use when "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up" occurs).

Maybe ask your grandma to write down stories and memories. This can be something that you cherish, and will give her some purpose to fill her time when alone.

Bless your heart! You have a challenge ahead of you, and I just pray for your compassion and calmness.

**Dancing Lotus** · 01-24-2008, 01:59 PM

Originally Posted by leezza

First a question: does your GM need full time care????

Personally I think this is putting a lot off on you......If your GM needs full time care your Mom should see about hiring a nurse or something.

I can tell that you are a good hearted person but I think you are being taken advantage of......talk about it, but also I don't think you signed on for 9-5 M-F....did you???? You have a home and family that are your first priority.

JMHO,
leezza

I totaly agree. Is it possible for you to spend only half a day with her?
Thats a lot for very little money. But I know if it were me I would have a hard time speaking up because I wouldn't want anyone to get upset and tell me "I should want to care for her" KWIM?

Think you are going to have tjo set down and with both mom and dad and tell them that you will be needing more money if they want you to stay that much.
I hope this all works out.

**krissyre** · 01-24-2008, 02:23 PM

Wow, what a kind person you are to take on so much!

In addition to all of the good points that other posters have made, let me just say that part of the problem might be that your mom and stepdad just don't understand what it's like being home with the kids. I know that my sisters-in-law are this way -- they think that since I am home during the day it should be no problem for me to run such-and-such an errand, or run over to their house and wait for the cable guy.

They don't understand that you have other priorities and things that need to get done, that you're not watching Family Feud from dawn till dusk.

If they don't understand that you have other things that you COULD and SHOULD be doing with the majority of your time, maybe they would view it more as a job that you should be well-compensated for.

As others have said, it might be hard in the short-term to sit down and talk to your mom about this, but it will save you a lot of resentment and hurt in the long run.

I hope it all works out for you!

**PAVallygrl** · 01-24-2008, 02:27 PM

Wow! That's like $2.22 an hour.

Why not have Mom drop GM off at your house every day?

**FrugalMomof3** · 01-24-2008, 02:30 PM

Well my GM doesnt need full time care, she can walk, go the bathroom, watch tv with turning the channel all by herself. I am basically just sitting with her watching TV, making her breakfast which is mini muffins and a cup of coffee at 8:30am and fixing her lunch which is usually a sandwich w/chips and a half can of cream soda at noon.

So I really DONT need to be here all day and YES I love spending time with my GM I dont feel the need to all day long, doing so I neglect my own home and just my relaxation as well.

I might tell my mom something like I have been watching GM and her habits and she is very capable of doing many things on her own, I can come in the morning at 8:30 and stay till 9:30, then come back at 12 and have lunch with her and leave after lunch or 1-1:15pm.

I dont live far, about 10 minute drive but it's still gas and wear/tear on my car but it would allow me to do what needs to be done as home and take care of my GM at the same time, if i mentioned the money I am sure I would be called greedy or something similar but my GM is the one who is basically paying for it, not my mom or step-dad.

PLus for my plan above $20 a day seems fair + gas but 45 hours a week for $100 really doesnt cut it for me.