Dad Has Cancer.... and I love him so....

forHISglory · 02-20-2008, 12:46 AM

The phone rang this morning; it was my father. Dad is 83, lively, mischievous, vibrant. Today he was somber.

"Doctor talked to me this morning," he stated right away with no bantering, no small talk. "I've got cancer, a fast moving type. Doc said on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst possible, that I'm a 9."

It didn't register with me at first. I mean, this is my DAD, for crying out loud. He's always been around. In fact, I come from a family of long livers (and I used to joke about just how long my liver was!). I knew my great grandparents until I was in high school. I'm almost 59 and I had grandparents until just a few years ago. So what is this about cancer? Must be someone else's dad.

Dad continued, "I've lived a long life, been married over 60 years. Did almost everything I ever wanted to do, got to serve my country..... It will be OK."

NO Dad, it's NOT OK!!! Dylan Thomas wrote to his dying father: "Do not go gentle into that good night. Fight, fight against the dying light." Stand up, Dad! Take care of it, Dad! Protect us, Dad! Be there! Be there......... like you always have been.

What kind of fool am I, thinking that somehow my family would escape death? That somehow my Mom and Dad would never die? How did I get to be this old and not realize that in a whisper, in a bang, they could be gone?

I feel like racing now, making up lost time. Quick, I've got to talk to my father. I need to know how he felt in high school with a war going on and knowing that at 18 he would be there. How did you know my Mom was the one? What were your first thoughts when I was born? What's kept you going even when the farm was not going, when disease took the pigs, when the floods took the crops? How can you remain so calm right now while I am trying to beat the clock and really really really know you? Why didn't I take time to know you better?

What do I do when my father has calmly told me that he is dying? How does one calmly reply, "I see. And how's the weather up there?" How do I talk about funerals and last wishes? How do I try to identify old pictures before the one who knows the names is gone? How do I ask about insurance and wills, when all I really want to do is scream that this is not a funny joke.

I push my hands against my chest, trying to force the air to go in and come out. I blink my eyes quickly. I can't tell him that it will be alright. It would be a lie, and my father never tolerated lies. So I only say, "Well, Dad, what do we do next?"

Friends, it's been a hard day. I would appreciate your prayers. And if any of you have been where I am tonight, could you let me know about your experiences? Thanks..... thanks.

KJayEsq · 02-20-2008, 01:09 AM

I am so, so sorry. I sometimes feel the same way about my parents...that they will somehow escape death...simply because it's impossible to imagine them not being there.

You are stronger than you think and, when you feel you are not strong, your faith will carry you.

You and your dad are in my prayers.

katkat · 02-20-2008, 02:41 AM

I am so sorry for the anguish you are feeling, forHISglory. My parents have both been gone for awhile now---Dad died of a subdural hematoma from a fall. My wonderful Mom died from colon cancer, after surgery, & a year or more of weekly Chemo. Near the end of her life, we did Home Hospice for her at my DB's home, about an hour away. He was already retired & I was still working 2-12 hr. shifts a week. The other 5 days, DH & I went there to help out, be with her, & allow DB & SIL to get out for a few hours. She wanted to die at that point so we could be very open about things. I had talks with her about all sorts of things---"Remember the dusty pink suit you made me when I was 15 ?" "Just think----when you get to Heaven, you will see Daddy again, & your Mom & Dad ---". All kinds of things to let her know how much she had meant to me.

It was not easy. It was hard. I would do it again. I have fond, loving memories of being so close & open with her in those important last weeks. We all took turns feeding her when she was too weak to do so. When things got really bad near the end, I stayed over & we did 2 hour night shifts sitting up & being with her to administer meds, etc.

Find out what can be done,if anything can be done. Be with him while you can, if possible. Not sure if you live nearby. Seize the opportunities to let him know what he has meant to you. Let him talk when he wants to. You may want to try to go over the pix with him in a "memory lane" kind of way & possibly find out info that you would like to know.

I will add your family to my prayer list. I know you will be praying also. Your Dad sounds like a wonderful man & this is going to hurt a lot, but trust me----it will someday get better. My Mother died almost 15 years ago & I still occasionally fill up when I think of something special about her or something bad happens to me & I want to call her so badly like I used to do. I still talk to her sometimes. But it is so much better & has been for awhile.

Take it a day at a time & you will get through this new shocking, sad thing.
God bless you, you really will.

Love, katkat

Jskell911 · 02-20-2008, 06:20 AM

I am so sorry for this distressing situation. I do not have words of wonderful wisdom. I had a similar situation taking care of my Grandmother as katkat had with her mom. Colon and bone cancer. I look at that last week of caring for her at home as one of the most rewarding times of my life. It still hurts as she was young (just 69) and I was 31 at the time, 4 years ago. But I learned so much about both of us during that one short week.

I wish you strength and courage, as well as love and inspiration from your dad during this time.

TheRootedNomad · 02-20-2008, 07:22 AM

:bighug:
I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers. I don't have any advice except enjoy the time you have left with your dad. Forget the other priorities and ask him what he wants to do. Anything left he feels he always wanted to do, do it. And don't wait on that stuff. If it's the fast progressing kind he'll be able to talk quietly with you longer than he'll be able to or want to do things. My heart is with you.

Darlene · 02-20-2008, 07:28 AM

I'm so sorry.
I can't help you with how to say goodbye, I never had the chance with either of my parents. I was 13 when my Dad died of a heart attack & watched it happen. I lost my Mom to suicide when I was 25 and pregnant with my son.
I do know what I wished I had the chance to do though. I wished I could have asked all those questions I never asked. I wish I could have held them tight and let them know they are loved and will always be in my heart.
So ask those questions, share that love and know that in return you will have the joy and sorrow that goes with loving and letting go. It hurts so bad but it's the price you pay for loving and being loved.
Talk about the good times, cry, laugh...yes it's more than ok to laugh as you talk about those good times.
Celebrate all he is and always know you are not alone, ever.

AnnK · 02-20-2008, 08:04 AM

I can't say anything that will make you feel better. Of course I will keep you in my prayers.

Take advantage of this time and don't leave any questions unanswered. My dh lost his father 10 yrs ago. Dh was still just a young man and he didn't know how important it was. He now regrets all the time he lost.

Moor · 02-20-2008, 08:17 AM

as i sit here trying to think what i want to say, i am crying. not just for you and your family, but for all of us who have, or will have to go through this.
i helped take care of my grandfather, i was 16 when he died. for me, it was a wonderful time to really get to know him. see, he helped raise me, as my father died when i was 5.
it can be a really trying time, but one of the most wonderful experience's you can have. ask the questions you want, let him talk about the things that he wants. one thing i will suggest, is that if he is willing, have him make a video of reading books to the grandkids. i really wish that i had thought to do this for my kids. because i was young and didn't think about that.
this way, your kids, grandkids and others in the family, will have a visual of him.
also, one of the most important things that you can do right now, is to just be with him. he may not want to do anything, but put a puzzle together, or sit and play cards or a board game. those are things that we did. that's all that pop really wanted to do, was to spend time with us. he was a musician. he spent most of his life playing and singing, so when he got too weak to play the guitar himself, i would sit and let him tell me how to play. i have never picked up a guitar since, but i am thinking now, that i want to continue that.
let go of the anger. give the situation to God. HE will be your peace and comfort through all of this.
know that you and your family are going to be on the top of my prayer list.
one other piece of advice, please do not try and force any issue with him. let him be the decision maker. it will give him some control of a situation that he feels he has no control over.
be at peace with this, it will help you get through it.

pip · 02-20-2008, 08:34 AM

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I also have always felt that my folks would just always be around, even though I know that can't be so.

PrairieRose · 02-20-2008, 08:47 AM

My heart really goes out to you

*This* part of life is the hardest (losing a child would be the absolute ofcourse). You are stronger than you think you are and you'll manage to get through this. One awful day, followed by one wonderful day, followed by 3 awful ones and so on.

A year ago on the 16th of this month I lost my dear mother on her 80th birthday. She had been gravely ill for about a year and half, very ill and suffered several broken bones from falls and osteoporosis in the years just before that. A year before she died she had a pulmonary embulism (bloodclot in the lung, actually she had 3 at once). We almost lost her then. She was a tough bird, came out of that and then battled liver and pancreatic cancer (unbeknownst to anyone other than her suffering) and died from after a short stent in the hospital. We only knew of the cancer for about 3 days. In some ways her passing was easier to take than your Dad's will be, but in some ways you have it much better. I suppose there's no easy way to say goodbye to someone you love so much. We get what we get, don't we? Be sure to write down some questions you've always wondered about but never asked.....ask them now. You'll be surprised how badly you'll want to know the answers once he's gone. I'll be hoping for strength, comfort and most of all peace for you and your Daddy through this. You really will get through it, you'll find yourself smiling again and laughing again one day after his passing (which took me by surprise the first time it happened) and realize that even though at first it seems like a cruel joke that life really does go on.

northernmom2boys · 02-20-2008, 08:58 AM

my thoughts and prayers are with you and your fmily

RABBIT · 02-20-2008, 08:59 AM

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. My heart was in my throat when I read your post, I know that one day your feelings will be my feelings when it's one of my parents dying. After a church member died, a friend of mine said "He woke up in a far better place than we did this morning". I thought that was a great way to look at it. Having said that it doesn't take away your pain. You though have gotten a warning that your Dad is dying and CAN play catch up. Some of us will not have a warning when we lose our parents so I quess it's a wake up call for the rest of us to use the time we have right now to say and do the things we think our important. I will pray that God will give you strength in this difficult time.

IntlMom · 02-20-2008, 09:23 AM

Wow, this is so tough! I am so sorry.......no matter how old we are, our Dad is always our Daddy. I know that you are a believer, and I assume that your parents are as well. As tough as it is to loose our Daddy......can you just imagine him getting to sit and talk with Jesus?!?!?!? Ok, so now I am crying.... My dad had a heart attack about 6 years ago, and my mom survived ovarian cancer around 8 years ago, so I had to deal with the death issue then.....although I want them to myself forever, it comforts me tremendously to know that someone that I loved and hugged will be able to hug and touch Jesus!!!!!!!!

Again, I am soo sorry that you have to deal with this, it's never easy!

ktsmama · 02-20-2008, 10:38 AM

I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. My dad died five years ago (today is his birthday actually). When he found out he had cancer and there was nothing he could really do, he started getting things right. Your dad sounds kinda like mine, he had done most everything he wanted to do in life and was okay with going.

Believe me, your dad will be so humbled and excited for you to ask him all of the questions that you want to. The only thing my dad regretted about having such a diagnosis was leaving my sister, my brother and me, so he was so glad when we would just sit and talk about everything and anything. You will learn so much and you will grow so strong, even though it doesn't feel like it now.

My best advice would be to shower him with love and handle everything he asks you to do to the best of your ability. This will give him peace of mind that his affairs are taken care of and that he is leaving a strong woman that he helped rear to make a difference on this earth.

Please know that I will continue to prayer for him, for you and your family. Please PM me if you ever need to talk.

In His Love,
Robbin

emily_hope · 02-20-2008, 10:47 AM

I lost my Daddy to cancer almost 6 years ago. Your story has brought up some memories for me. I am crying right now just thinking of my Daddy and of you and your Dad and what you are going through. It is so tough. But I must say, being there for my Daddy was one of the best things I ever did for him and for myself. My Daddy didn't stay with us for long after we found out about the cancer and I was actually relieved for him that he didn't have to suffer. I have all my wonderful memories of growing up and having my Daddy there for me. And I know that we will be together again some day. At the time of his passing, my thoughts were not on me missing him, but of his parents, siblings and friends that had gone before him waiting with open arms to welcome him to his new home and how happy they all would be. May God comfort you during this time and give you the strength to endure. (((HUGS)))