How do you deal with "angry" 13YO's??

[Luv2BeFrugal]

I just started working with the youth group at my Church. I don't have a lot of experience working with teens... Tonight at a St. Patrick's get-together I met one of the teens (and her 3 sisters) for the first time...she's 13, very verbally "aggressive", she'll start to say something nice and then BLINK, it turns mean!

She and her sisters (age range 10 - 14) were all SO mean to each other. I could hardly believe it! It was for all ages of kids (a family fun night, but we were in the room for kids to hang out, do crafts, etc.).

I would try to ask her questions about school...chatty and friendly...thinking maybe the "wall" would come down. She'd answer fine, like she was glad to chat...and then, BLINK, mean girl!

She started asking me questions (I'm thinking...oooo! progress!)... I answered a few and she turned my answers on me and made snotty comments!

I tried to pay her a compliment and she thought I was making fun of her... I had to say it twice...in a serious manner...before she would believe me...and I still don't think she really did... (She has beautiful, waist length hair...so pretty).

Her sisters were making really mean comments to each other - "you're the ugly one", "you're the stupid one", etc... Right there, nice and loud, in front of everyone!! One said, "I like to be mean!".

It seems like a lot of it is defensive (even if it is a "strike first" mentality).

Help... I have no idea how to deal with this kind of behavior??? I've seen kids be mean to each other and then when an adult asks them to stop they stop (even if it takes a few times). Needless to say, that didn't work...and then I was the "target" for comments...

[C@rol]

I hate to say this but...
I think what you're seeing is a reflection of
what is going on at home. Children live what
they learn and you can learn a lot about how
they live just by observing them.

I hope someone here will be able to give you
some advice on how to handle this. We get
such great advice from each other on FV.
Wishing you all the best with this situation.

[M55FF]

I have a neighbor who had a very angry 13 year old and she did nothing about it but make excuses for him as to his bad behavior... meaning whenever he destroyed someones property or did something bad, she would make excuses for him rather than deal with him or at the very least, send him to therapy.
Now he is 17 and already has a criminal record.
I feel sorry for him.

As I see it, the mother could have done more. He was angry maybe over the divorce of his parents and his father moving away and getting remarried. Since the mother was the custodial parent and saw all this starting...
I feel she could have done more.

here is an example.
One day I come home and my lawn is chopped up... I see him a few houses away with his fathers golf club, hitting the tree and hacking up the lawn of someone elses house.
I go to his mother and tell her he has hacked up my lawn and seems angry and she says:
mind your own business.
I did not press charges on him or her because of his age and the home situation but in the years to come the child did not learn to respect other peoples things or property and started to break into houses, steal things from peoples yards...
and she would say it was not him.
Until- one day someone caught him in their house and the poilice arrested him and took him away in handcuffs.

Its all so sad.
No reasoning with the mother.
Its so sad that in less than one year he will be out in the world with his anger and living as an adult.

I hope he never gets his hands on a gun.

[pip]

Thirteen is a hard age. I'm not making excuses for their behaviors, but thirteen is a hard age.

[bee9984]

This reminds me of a few of the kids in my lunch group which I supervise at the elementry school here although my kids group are 9 and 10 year olds.

I don't have an answer for you but I had a few angry rude ones to deal with not to mention very aggressive, at school I guess it is different as I have the principles office etc for support.

Is there anyway you could give them a "time" out? Maybe talk to the minister of your church or someone who has been dealing with these children for awhile and see how they handled the situation? Ask them if they can be removed from the group for a short time? At school we usually go by the age like for the 13 year old it would be a time out for 13 minutes.

Just a thought but also for example if I have 2 or 3 who need a time out I seperate them, if we are outside I will make sure that they are not side by side standing by the school wall or not lined up together sitting on the bench. In the lunch room I have sat down at the table they are eating at with them. I also have a dicipline table where if someone starts becoming aggressive or swearing etc I pick up their lunch and tell them to follow me to that table and if they won't stay there I sit with them while they eat and try to help calm them down.

If the boys are playing hockey outside and I see someone starting to push hard or becoming very aggressive I act like a referee and tell them, depending on the situation say, "3 minute penalty for Roughing" 3 mintues doesn't seem like a long time but it sure is when they have to sit on the side and watch the other team score etc..

The way the 13 year old was behaving in your group is unacceptable behavior not to mention very disrespectful, I would definately talk to someone in charge and see if they can take her and/or her parents aside to discuss this as it is not healthy for the other children in the group whether older or younger to be seeing/hearing this go on.

(((HUGS)))

[PrairieRose]

It is absolutely a symptom of a sick family. I don't think that given your proximity to the situation there is much you can but extend a loving hand when you have the chance and hope and pray for them. You might also at some point in private tell each one that if they ever need an impartial person to talk to, who would be there for them to let you know. Let them know that life doesn't have to be so mean.

[nuisance26]

~I was gonna say the same thing about it being learned at home. If you're going to be spending alot of time with these girls I'd suggest you meet their parents. I'd get the pastor involved too if the girls interact this way with you in the presence of other kids. Definately don't want everyone learning how to be bullies.~

[M55FF]

Symptom is a sick family, yes... I agree.

Kids have a harder time finding coping mechanisms and tend to look at the parents as role models.
In the situation I wrote about in the above post, the mother of this kid was too busy trying to find a new man, out clubbing to mess with her son and the boy grew as cold and uncaring as she was to him.
Now she has remarried but the man she married has 2 kids he doesn't see much and he was living at home with his mother before she met him. Not a very responsible or stable man she married.
As i see it, the kid is doomed to prison. So far, he is heading right that way and I blame his mother.

Where was she to talk to him when the family dynamics changed ? ( she was too busy out clubbing and looking for a new man)... where was her care after she brought a new man into her home OVER the boy? ( a 40 year old man who was just as irresponsible and immature as any 13 year old boy)

poor kid.

[bee9984]

There could be other areas which could cause this behaviour as well though. I use to think "Gee, what kind of upbringing do they have at home." etc.. One of the boys in my group has loving parents but I found out that 2 years ago their home burned to the ground and they lost everything except for their lives. Another boy in my group his father just left his mother for a much younger woman, another boy had 2 exchange students in their home which was causing him stress, and yet another boys brother just got out of the hospital while dr.s were trying to get his brothers medications under control and run a series of tests on him. (He was in the hospital for a good couple of months). Also a lot of the children at the school have parents who are in Afghanistan at this time as well.

I would though agree that a lot of the time it stems from parenting etc, just not always.

[Luv2BeFrugal]

From what I got chatting with the girls while they were doing crafts, all of the kids live at home with both parents... They go to Church every Sunday... One of the girls is in the youth group... (Not that any of this automatically makes for a nice home; just points that apply in their situation).

What is an appropriate response? I'm concerned that if I confront her on her behavior she'll just see that as "getting attention" and continue...possibly get worse. She was obviously loving the "limelight" as others were focused on her during all outbursts...

Youth group starts in grade 9...she's finishing up grade 7...so, we'll have her in our group in just over a year. (Will, of course, continue to see her at regular Church activities & get-togethers until then).

Obviously this is going to be a big "learning curve" for me!!

[joyofsix]

Just a suggestion, not sure if it'll work w/o meeting her. (and I do think they are probably allowed to act this way at home, parents chalk it up to sibs being sibs). If you are going to be with her I'd take her aside and nicely tell her that you noticed that the sisters were mean to one another and that while you know how sisters can be, at group those comments are off limits. Explain that while the sisters might know they all actually love one another others in the group might not. If you're not going to have contact with her for a couple years I'd let it go and see if a couple years of maturity help.

[mommy4ever]

Part of that is siblings being siblings, but it doesn't stop with that.

Sometimes, as amom to a 13 yo here, they don't know when to quit. My son is EXTREMELY sarcastic. Which we have no issue with, but we have him it's not always appropriate. That not all adults will take it as he intends. Not even us, if our mood isn't good, it's not the time to be lippy. He did learn it here recently with a teacher. He said something and got a strike. So he had an eye opener, and it reaffirmed what we'd said. Most people don't find him out of line, but funny and charming. He doesn't try to be mean, unless it's to his sisters.

As to dealing with her, do you have a Youth Pastor there? He/She would know best how to work with the girl, and likely already knows. Or seek some one who has been working with the age group.