Sister and her kids

**G'MaDebbie** · 04-29-2008, 10:59 AM

Ok, I just really need to vent here, so if this gets long, just excuse me for a minute or two.

I am the oldest of three girls. Our parents were not exactly what you would call the greatest (another very long story). I haven't allowed my mother into my home, much less my life since 1999. My dad is remarried and has his own life with his bottle of booze, he has been that way since I can remember.
My sister who is 18 months younger than I am moved to Las Vegas 11 years ago and does very well for herself and her two children. We are very close even thou we are thousands of miles apart.
My youngest sister has 2 children also and constantly struggles. At one point I took custody of her son when her daughter was first born because she couldn't handle both of them. I have gone above and beyond for her, I have bought her two mobile homes, one of which she lives in right now because she got evicted from the place she was living in and was going to be in the streets with her kids. In the past I have bought her groceries, paid her lights and gas and even bought her cigarettes and put gas in her vehicle and handed her cash hand over fist.
She has a job, but she NEVER has any money and can't pay her bills like she should. I am at my wits end with her! Yesterday she came into my office and I said...you didnt go to work? She said no, I have to look for a food pantry to get some groceries. I am thinking to myself, well, you should have went to work because now you will be short for next week and you could have used the phone at work to try to get some help instead of wasting gas at $3.69 a freaking gallon!!
She ended up at my house last nite and her and her daughter ate dinner with us. I suspected that she was wanting money, but I wasnt offering. Just before they left, I opened my freezer and my pantry and started stuffing bags with whatever I could find. She walked out of my house with 5 bags of groceries. I feel like I am enabling her to use me. I know better than this, but I will not stand by and watch those kids go without. If it was just her it would be different and I could say no to her.
I really wish at times that our parents were actually parents so they could help her, but that is never goning to happen and it makes me so angry!
There is so much more to this story, but I am emotionally drained at this point.
Thanks for letting me vent.

**perSue** · 04-29-2008, 11:07 AM

First, let me say I'm proud of you for helping someone with kids.
You're absolutely right that the kids should NOT suffer because of the inability of the parent(s ) for whatever reason.

Now, we've all heard "never lend to family" (money or goods).
Oh well... we all want to help those in need, and at times, especially our close friends and family. We're human.

If I were you, I would sit down with your sister and have a full heart-to-heart with her.
Seriously explain your side of being concerned for HER KIDS... not her. She's an adult and SHOULD be able to take care of herself. You're only helping out for her kids.

It may sound cold, but it might prove a point that you're not there for her to take care of her. You're helping her kids.

And even point out that you will no longer help HER out... because you are only hurting yourself (your credit, finances, your own family, etc.).

If her kids need food, they can come over and eat. If they need school supplies, take 'em to the dollar store. ETC.

But, this is always a double edged sword.
I love hearing about people helping out one another.
But you are enabling her, unfortunately. She's TOO dependant on you and your handouts to do anything for herself and/or her kids.

We've ALL done without for our kids.
Let her learn this lesson.

((((((((hugs))))))))

**dianne9106** · 04-29-2008, 11:13 AM

I am sorry this is happening to you. IMHO - She is using you and you are enabling her to not stand on her own two feet. Your sister needs to start looking out for herself and her children first and foremost. She is just doing what she wants to and heck with everyone else. Instead of handing her food, money, gas, etc... You need to sit down with her today or tomorrow and help her with her budget. You gave her 5 bags of grocery -which equals at least $75; so she is one step ahead. Help her with a zero balance budget and let her see that she needs to put the money where it needs to go and not where she wants it to go (ie: cigarettes, soda, etc...) If she can't balance her money - offer to take care of her children, but not her. She obviously is not putting her children first and she needs a reality check! Best wishes and a big hug to you!!

**C@rol** · 04-29-2008, 11:14 AM

I feel like I am enabling her to use me.

I know you mean well, but you truly are enabling her and she knows you'll keep doing it.

I know better than this, but I will not stand by and watch those kids go without.

She knows this very well also. She is using her kids as hostages to get what she wants from you. Very sad and puts you in a very bad position.

Sad situation. It's like being between a rock and a hard place. I hope somehow things will work out. Why don't you sit down with your and give her an sister ultimatum as to what she has to do if you help her. If she doesn't step up I'm sorry you may have to cut her off to keep her from blackmailing you with the children.

**latierra84** · 04-29-2008, 11:19 AM

this is a tough one. think about this, who would help you if things were the other way around? sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can really take a good look around and realize that this is not the way you want to live your life.

i feel for you when it comes to her kids though. you dont want them to suffer/struggle because of her inability to be a fully functioning responsible adult. i dont have any advice i just wanted you to know that what youre doing... its way more than what other people would do if they were in the exact same spot.

**AmyBoz** · 04-29-2008, 11:24 AM

No advice to offer. Just

**annymoll** · 04-29-2008, 11:30 AM

If you want to help the children, stop buying cigarettes for your sister. Helping sis along to an early grave would not be good for the kids. You would contribute to the kids doing without.In my opinion.

**mmy2grls** · 04-29-2008, 11:39 AM

SOunds like she could use help with a budget. You're a wonderful person for helping out so much.

She needs to learn how to help herself

**MOMMYDEAREST** · 04-29-2008, 12:50 PM

Oh sweetie I can totally relate. I have a sister just like your's. She has 2 children, and always has a excuse for something. She is always looking for handouts, and it drives me nuts. she complains about everything, & I've had it!!!!! I have realized to just have a backbone, and let her see what life is all about. I know its so hard sicne she has children. just continue to be there for her children, and use your backbone when it comes to her. Again, I totally know how you are feeling....i'm in that position w/ my sister right now!!!

**mom2matty** · 04-29-2008, 01:01 PM

I too have a sister just like this so I also know what you are dealing with. Mine has 6 children and a husband who works but they never have enough. She only visits my Mom when she needs food or money. Mom stopped giving money but she does give food. I had temp custody of her 2 oldest boys for many months. I gave her money and food and gave and gave and gave to the point that my family suffered! Dh finally told me enough.....as long as I continue to give she will continue to take. What hurts me more than anything is that she has never once said "thank you."

It is a very difficult position to be in....I hate knowing my nieces and nephews might be hungry or going without, it breaks my heart.

**Darlene** · 04-29-2008, 01:11 PM

Where is the so called "father"?

I agree, help the kids but it's past time for her to grow up and do what she needs to. I so hope she doesn't have any more kids until she gets her life together.

Big hug to you, I know this tugs at your heartstrings.

**FrugalWitch** · 04-29-2008, 02:45 PM

As long as you give her money and things she will use her kids for every dime she can get. Maybe someone should just take the kids completely? Then she could be useless on her own without dragging the kids into it. Sorry you're going through this.

**AmeliaM** · 04-29-2008, 05:45 PM

She needs to go through a budgeting course...and if her income is low enough(which is hard to say-she may actually have more than she is saying...sad but true) she will not have to pay anything or not a lot dep on her income...esp w 2 kids to support. She works-what does she do? what does she make? and does she not get child support? Living in a mobile homer isn't expensive...nothing like in an apt and you say you bought it?? so there would be no rent per say ...unless you are charging her a sm fee. You didn't say if her children were girls,boys or one of each...cause that would mean if she needed 2 or 3 bedrooms(though I've known people to give their kid the bedroom and they slept on a fold out couch so that they could pay the bills). Dep on the age of her kids and her income there are programs she can get into, but something tells me that if she's not on them she is either making to much and not spending wisely or she is lazy(which she obv is to a certain degree w her attitude). I am sorry you have had to go through this and agree w what alot of the others are saying...I know if it was just her you'd prob let her fall so she could learn to pick herself up, but w the kids involved it just isn't fair to put them through this.

Are you sure she doesn't have any other issues like drugs or alcohol....I know it may just be she likes to spend or has problems managing money, but I'd make sure this isn't an issue either cause this will only make it worse in the future. If this was the case I would see about getting temp cust of the kids while she gets help...w whatever problem(s) she has...she needs the help(just not from you-she needs to learn to be independent and be an adult)

**searching4** · 04-29-2008, 06:10 PM

I would tell her that I wasn't going to help her out anymore until she brought all her financial papers over and sat down with me to do up a budget! Sorry you are going through this. I had some problems like this with my sister, years ago! It's very hard! ((HUGS))

**staciah** · 04-29-2008, 06:25 PM

Just like Darlene Said where is Daddy Dearest?
Also can't she qualify for some help from the county?
She needs to step up and take responsibility for herself.
I have a brother like this but Thank God he doesn't have any kids. He is 47 and stills lives with my mother and he counts on her for everything but gets mad at her when she hounds him about his meds.
You do need to talk to her about this. If she doesn't get any food stamps suggest you take her to apply for them and then thats it, tell you are done! That is it for the free gravey train.