Heading into a hard month...

**FrugalFive** · 06-27-2008, 10:01 PM

The month of July is already looking very grim and it's not even here. We had to pay the lawyer $500 this morning, and have to pay the other $500 by the end of July. The only thing that we can really do is hope and pray that my economic stimulus check comes asap, but with me being in the last group to be sent off...that's looking bad too! Not to mention that he has two kids with his ex, and ever since she found out that I'm pregnant, she hollers more and more for more and more money. It's really frustrating because I know that it's not right to take away from the kids that he already has, but during such tight circumstances he still feels obligated to send them money...and it's for stuff like a new bike. I feel that there is a difference between him supporting his kids and spoiling his kids...the new one on the way has nothing! Not to mention, I have two children of my own. Am I being selfish? I feel really pushed to the side...like he wants to care for his ex before me or something. Does it make me a horrible person to want him to say no to his kids? Or to feel like his kids/wife are using him? I had to borrow $145 from my grandmother for my car payment, while three days ago he sent $100 to his kids...for her new bike!

**prftstrngr** · 06-27-2008, 10:25 PM

Your not a horrible person at all. Reality is when money is tight luxuries like a new bike are out of the question. Regardless if it is for his children or yours...it just has to wait until the bills are paid. Have him sit down with you and look at what comes in and goes out. Write it all down so he can see why you are upset about the expense. Maybe it will help him say no if he sees that the money really isnt there. Ex's are good at playing on the guilt factor when it comes to kids. He just needs to learn to say no when he needs to...help him see that and remind him there is going to soon be an extra one to provide for as well! Good luck!

**Michelle68** · 06-27-2008, 10:27 PM

Wow, I can see why you're so frustrated. I don't think you're being at all selfish for wanting to take care of the bills y'all have and the new baby on the way. I'm guessing that he probably feels some guilt for not being able to see his kids as often as he'd like, so he tries to make it up to them by buying them gifts. This is making it financially difficult for your household and to prepare for the baby. I think it's time to talk to him and let him know that because he's trying so hard to be a "Disney World Dad", the bills aren't getting paid and he's neglecting the family he has at home. Good luck.

--Michelle

**Palooka** · 06-27-2008, 11:49 PM

Oh wow, do I know how you feel. My husbands ex wife got so mad when she found out that I was pregnant. We don't exchange child support because we have 50/50 custody. She gets mad to think that we are buying our child together something more than he supports his daughter. Trust me that she is not lacking nothing whatsoever and I shop at the thrift stores. I like to remind her that she left him and this is your life with your dh with a blended family.Don't let her control you or your dh. You guys really need to talk! I can tell your frustration. It can work but you gotta get tuff sometimes.

Does he just buy them stuff or is this child support or extra his just gives them? Is the lawyer fee's for this? Also you said you also have kids. Do you recieve child support?

Heck no your are not being selfish at all! I'm just going to say that sometimes ex wives have ways of 'sending guilt' and they fall for it.

I could rattle off the mouth more but need more info. lol

**FrugalMomof3** · 06-28-2008, 12:17 AM

I dont think your selfish at all, maybe you need to talk to him about this... supporting your children means putting a roof over their head, helping with their part of the bills (if any) providing clothing, etc... but bikes and WANTED items are WANTS not the obligation of a parent to provide.

2ndly, you said his WIFE, is he still married to her? Also, with that being asked (please excuse my prying) but does he pay child support? If he does, the money he sends her for child support SHE can use to purchase the bike. He shouldnt be paying child support and buying a new bike for the children IF he has unpaid bills to pay.

He has other obligations as well with you, your home, your 2 children and himself. While I always believe your kids are first, if he doesnt pay his bills because he bought his child something then HE should find a way to come up with the money to pay for the bills without you having to borrow money because he wanted to buy the bike that really wasnt necessary at the time.

**Ilovesewing** · 06-28-2008, 12:28 AM

Is 'he' your husband or is he still married to his children's mother?

**JustMegan79** · 06-28-2008, 12:53 AM

Ok...let me play devils advocate here. Is he sending this money to his children in addition to a monthly or weekly court ordered child support payment? If so, then you are somewhat entitled to be irritated. But still...you asked does it make you a horrible person for wanting him to say no to his kids. In all honesty...it doesnt make you a horrible person, but it does beg the question...does he feel he is up against an ultimatum?

Ultimatums are never good. Think of it in terms of if he was a Mother instead of a Father. A mother would normally do whatever she could to get her kids what she can. Now, if he is NOT paying monthly or weekly court ordered CS payment, then certainly you must understand he is paying her money on his own, and it could in theory be much worse if he was court ordered and had to pay a larger amount.

In the end, his sending them money means one thing...he is a good father, and responsible. Which most likely indicates he will be a good father to your unborn child. I think this is an admirable quality in a man considering how many men are irresponsible dead beat fathers.

Now, he is also responisble to take care of your child. And I feel sure he will. But he is not required to make your car payment. While he may want to, and feel bad that he cant, if it was me, and I was faced with a car payment versus a child support payment for my children, I would pick child support every time.

JMHO

**Palooka** · 06-28-2008, 01:20 AM

Now, he is also responisble to take care of your child. And I feel sure he will. But he is not required to make your car payment. While he may want to, and feel bad that he cant, if it was me, and I was faced with a car payment versus a child support payment for my children, I would pick child support every time.

But wait.....I take it that they are married by her post. Heck yeah, the car payment includes his responsiblity. They are a family now together. She also has other kids besides her unborn.

And I bet her being a step mom she has those responsibilites as well.

I'm just going by the info from her post.

I've been in this situation so I know how it can be...

**Palooka** · 06-28-2008, 01:26 AM

Okay, I'm confused. If they are not married then that stimulas check should be hers and the lawyer fee's all his. Obviously this is his ex-wife.

That would be like a whole new icing on the cake. And her children and the new one on the way.

**JustMegan79** · 06-28-2008, 01:33 AM

Originally Posted by Palooka

But wait.....I take it that they are married by her post. Heck yeah, the car payment includes his responsiblity. They are a family now together. She also has other kids besides her unborn.

And I bet her being a step mom she has those responsibilites as well.

I'm just going by the info from her post.

I've been in this situation so I know how it can be...

Okay, I must have missed that. With this tooth pain and the meds and the hour I cant be held responisble for my actions, LOL.

Seriously though, even if they are married, and the car payment includes his responsibility to the family together, step children included, I can't consider a car payment more vital than a child support payment.

When a person, male or female, becomes a parent, they are responsible equally to chidren who are born to an ex, or children who are born to a current. A car does not compare to a child.

Bottom line is I think if he is not paying a court ordered support pmt, his contributions to his children are valid.

That said, she is indeed a step mother to his children that she resents him for sending money to, there by making her somewhat responsible for the cs payments to them.

I guess all Im saying is both sets of kids (born and unborn) deservve support, above and over all other luxuries.

****runs back to her bed awaiting fire***

**Ilovesewing** · 06-28-2008, 01:35 AM

Whether they are married has everything to do with my answer which is why I asked the question. I can't answer it until I know the whole picture. And as a step-mom, and a mother, I know both sides of the coin.

**JustMegan79** · 06-28-2008, 01:42 AM

Originally Posted by Palooka

Okay, I'm confused. If they are not married then that stimulas check should be hers and the lawyer fee's all his. Obviously this is his ex-wife.

That would be like a whole new icing on the cake. And her children and the new one on the way.

Now Im confused. Are you saying "she" regarding the OP, or the ex? I may be losing my faculties. LOL

**Palooka** · 06-28-2008, 01:52 AM

Originally Posted by Ilovesewing

Whether they are married has everything to do with my answer which is why I asked the question. I can't answer it until I know the whole picture. And as a step-mom, and a mother, I know both sides of the coin.

Your are right. That would make the difference on how 'we' give advice. I'm as step-mom and a mother too.

**Palooka** · 06-28-2008, 01:57 AM

Seriously though, even if they are married, and the car payment includes his responsibility to the family together, step children included, I can't consider a car payment more vital than a child support payment.

But she didn't mention child support and I asked that question if that was what he is paying and also lawyer fee's. She just said money and a bike and more money.

We need the op to show back up to help us understand. lol