As some of you may know, I am planning on asking DH for a separation in the upcoming weeks. I currently have no savings, but I do receive $500 a month from my pension so it's a start.
Starting over for me means obtaining a passport for my oldest son (because I know I can't bring my youngest son back with me), repairing his glasses, filling his prescription and then flying back to my hometown. Once I'm there, I have more resources at my disposal to help me start over. I would need to find a place to stay and a car, neither of which I have the money for.
I've been pouring all of my pension into fixing the house, which I guess should have gone into savings instead. However, I can't fix that now. I had been thinking of staying here until the house sells, then splitting the profits with DH but I doubt that'll fly too.
So how do you start over, being thousands of miles away, with no money? There is NO one that I want to borrow from, nor can I borrow from.
On a 500 dollar a month income(here in the states) most would go sign up for housing, food stamps, Medicaid, energy assistance.They would pay nothing for these services. There are scores of food pantries, clothes closets and resources to help you get started until you find employment. Surely these things are available in Canada?I hear so much about how progressive that country is.Get them now to help you get started.In this country, on that income, you would most likely qualify for educational assistance as well, plus daycare.There?????Worth looking into, until you get your bearings and some money saved.
I'm going to start socking away as much of my pension as I can. Right now, some of it is earmarked for the property taxes, the alarm system and my cell phone. The rest can be put away in savings.
My youngest son would probably stay here with his father. He has a larger support network, so if anything, it'd be good for him to be here. I'd have to apply for him to come to the US as a temporary visitor under a Visa of some sorts. I'd love for him to come to the US after everything's finalized.
Once I got back to NY, I'd apply for financial help. This would be in food stamps, housing, after school care for my 12 year old (since he's disabled), etc. I know the system pretty well in NY. I also have the VA to fall back on as a way to help secure employment and for medical care. Medicaid would be a top priority of mine.
I had thought of filing for separation now and asking to remain in the home until the house sells, then split the profit down the middle. If that happens, I'll have a good means to get back to NY with. I'm just looking at the alternative.
Please understand I am not trying to pass judgement, Lord knows I have my own crosses to bear...but what quality of life will youngest ds have left behind with his father (who is overbearing, demeaning, and controlling...) Would it be worth it to stay till the house sells and then use some of your portion of that to get him his passport...Could you apply for dual citizen status for him (Honest, it's a question, I don't know if it is possible)?
I hate that you are going through this. I don't know what kind of hell you are going through, but I know here in the states the general rule is that the first one to leave loses in the divorce. If you can stay until the house sells I would.
Also, frankly, if it was me, I wouldn't mention the Divorce or seperation until the house sells and the money is in hand.
I won't judge you for bringing one child and not the other. My mom has always been overly caring to me and ignored my sister, your husband may be the same with your sons. There is always a favorite (no matter what folks like to think) and if the 7yo is your husbands then it may be better for everyone that he stay with him.
I second the thought of selling anything you can to raise cash. Do you still have your wedding band and engagement ring? You won't need those much longer and if you work with a reputable jewelry store or pawn shop you may be able to get a good price for them. Also, is there anything else you can pawn? Any power tools that may not be noticed? Most Pawn shops will take about anything.
With that thought in mind, Credit cards if you can get them will come in handy. I mean, right now you should concentrate on your life not your credit score. If credit cards arn't possible, how about a unsecured loan? If it was me, I might even fib and say it was for the final touch on the house and then run like Heck to the US with the money.
Could you clean some houses or take a part time evening job for a few weeks? It would be a two fold win for you, first your out of the house and don't have to put up with him and second you have the money from it.
When my mom and step dad was going through their roughest time, the part time job saved both her and my sanity.
I would also advise, you sock your money in CASH. That way you can always grab and run. You never have to worry about waiting for the bank opening. You also have the piece of mind to know that its always there and he can't touch it.
Good luck with whatever course you take.
Also, stupid question but are you SURE that you can't reconcile? Maybe have some third party help you?
I would LOVE to bring youngest DS back with me, but I don't know how possible that would be. I'm positive that we can't reconcile. There's no way. It's been this way for a long time now. I'm done with it.
Sorry my answers are so short, but this is a bad place to be doing this right now. I'll answer more later.
I have the same questions as missy.....but I know nothing about immigration law. I also wonder what quality of life you will have, knowing you left one of your children behind..... (just a question, not a judgement)
I hate that you are going through this. I don't know what kind of hell you are going through, but I know here in the states the general rule is that the first one to leave loses in the divorce. If you can stay until the house sells I would.
Also, frankly, if it was me, I wouldn't mention the Divorce or seperation until the house sells and the money is in hand.
I won't judge you for bringing one child and not the other. My mom has always been overly caring to me and ignored my sister, your husband may be the same with your sons. There is always a favorite (no matter what folks like to think) and if the 7yo is your husbands then it may be better for everyone that he stay with him.
I second the thought of selling anything you can to raise cash. Do you still have your wedding band and engagement ring? You won't need those much longer and if you work with a reputable jewelry store or pawn shop you may be able to get a good price for them. Also, is there anything else you can pawn? Any power tools that may not be noticed? Most Pawn shops will take about anything.
With that thought in mind, Credit cards if you can get them will come in handy. I mean, right now you should concentrate on your life not your credit score. If credit cards arn't possible, how about a unsecured loan? If it was me, I might even fib and say it was for the final touch on the house and then run like Heck to the US with the money.
Could you clean some houses or take a part time evening job for a few weeks? It would be a two fold win for you, first your out of the house and don't have to put up with him and second you have the money from it.
When my mom and step dad was going through their roughest time, the part time job saved both her and my sanity.
I would also advise, you sock your money in CASH. That way you can always grab and run. You never have to worry about waiting for the bank opening. You also have the piece of mind to know that its always there and he can't touch it.
Good luck with whatever course you take.
Also, stupid question but are you SURE that you can't reconcile? Maybe have some third party help you?
Because of some family members who have gotten into a bad situation we have had this converstion. What would you do if you had to "alight" in an unknown townwith little to no money.
Both of us said we could get caregiving jobs which are live-in. For the most part that would take care of living situation and food. Such a position may not be possible with your son but you might look into it.
Also there are day-work temp agencies. If you are US citizen you might 'visit' here for a few weeks and try to make some extra cash that way.
Stay in a studio for a while. Remember that the sacrifices you make early on in the move will pay off later.
Also in advance of moving you should try to set up residency here. If you have a friend who can let you use her address for mail and resume's, it would be a big help. Send something to that address from Canada to verify that address. Get a cell phone number with the "proper" area code so that you are local for jobs and assistance. (the food bank plasma center here accepted the mail with my address on it as proof of Oregon residency)
As you plan make sure you have copies of EVERY legal document you might need. Birth Certificates for everyone. Your marriage certificate. Papers for the house. Copies of budgets. Bank account info. Loan papers. Your VA papers. Social security cards as well as social insurance cards. You residency card for Canada. Medical records and diagnosis info on your son. His pay stubs. Tax records.
I don't know how I feel about stashing cash. Feel free to sell anything that is yours but I am a little leary about selling "his" power tools. At times, not stirring the pot is better than the extra cash. If you piss him off extra on something like a chainsaw he might feel justified in hiding/using all the profits from the house. (No one is saying that he is level-headed). Can you sell plasma in Canada? It might be a way of making extra money ...
My accounts are already separate from his. They always have been.
I think I will stay here until the house sells. In the process, I'm having legal separation papers drawn up and in those papers, a clause put in that states that half of the house sale's profits go to my account.
In the meantime I would suggest you find someone to speak with confidentially. They may have ideas or suggestions that can help you.
When you do decide to leave is there a town in NY that you plan on moving to or do you have friends or family? If you have friends or family I would suggest you start speaking with them and letting them know what your plans are.
As an AmeriCanadian (my word) are you able to work?
If yes, even a weekend job is better than no income.
If no, I would take a look at my possessions and start to sell the things I won't/can't be bringing with me... starting with things I don't use all the time...
-- but limiting it to things that are MINE and mine alone. The last thing you want is to give him reason to get money from you if/when you do decide to leave.
I think the place to start is a network of friends and family that support and understand your situation. Then from there finding out what resourses are available to you (IE housing, medical, food assistance, etc) then from there finding out job and or education resources.
Savings as much as you can before anythign has started would be ideal. ANd figuring out what skills you already possess and how those would traslate to the economy and workplace.
As an AmeriCanadian (my word) are you able to work?
If yes, even a weekend job is better than no income.
If no, I would take a look at my possessions and start to sell the things I won't/can't be bringing with me... starting with things I don't use all the time...
-- but limiting it to things that are MINE and mine alone. The last thing you want is to give him reason to get money from you if/when you do decide to leave.
I have no personal experience, so can't help with the legal aspects, but I read your story and it just breaks my heart.
Whether or not your DH treats your 7 year old like a golden child is only half the equation. He still needs his mother and I think it is very easy for a child that young to interepret you leaving with his older brother as abandoment, even if only temporarily. This kind of feeling can literally plague him the rest of his life, they are so impressionable at this age, and like the saying goes. he may not remember what you say, he may not remember what you did, but he will always remember how it made him feel.
I think you are right to stay until the house sells. Even more importantly, I think you should stay until custody of both children is figured out. It will be so much more difficult for you if you leave the country before this happens. Lawyers can easily argue that this was an act of abandonment on one parent's part and that the other should have full custody.
I don't want to come off judgemental and I might get flamed for my view, but this whole post seems to come off as your 7 yr old will be ok without his mom because dad favors him over his brother anyways. Just my opinion, only worth what you paid for it either way.
There is always a favorite (no matter what folks like to think) and if the 7yo is your husbands then it may be better for everyone that he stay with him.
Not trying to start a war but when I read this statement it really bothered me I have 4 children and can honestly say I love them all equally They are all very different and my love may manifest itself in different ways but it is as deep for all four of them There is no favorite . That being said I am not trying to judge as I left my first husband I know how it feels to be done. I had no skills no money and hadnt worked in 12 years but I made it happen and so will you but I took all the kids with me even though the oldest was ex favorite could not leave one behind If you do spilt them up I think you will be sorry later just think it over
I don't know ...maybe this will calm the flames a bit.
My impression was that there were legal difficulties in taking with the younger one. Also that the older one is not the husbands. I may be wrong on both accounts.
I also understand that it may be easier NOW to leave the younger one. And the younger one may get equal or better care if he stays with daddy.
I also believe that for a long time the son may believe that a load of S##T and refuse to have any relationship with you. He might understand after he has children of his own and has to make some hard decisions on his own.
Is your husband dangerous? You might be better off staying in a battered woman's shelter with both children close enough to legally sever your husband's parental rights to both kids before you leave the country. The shelters have legal resources to offer their residents as well as connections in other communities. You may not want to return to your family and hometown because your husband will know right where to look when he wants to get even.
My impression was that there were legal difficulties in taking with the younger one. Also that the older one is not the husbands. I may be wrong on both accounts.
Again, this is so subjective, especially if you are only looking at it from the mother's point of view. Abandonment, if even only temporarily, can really be damaging to a child. And while he may have more financial resources available to him with his father, and his father may treat him well, he still may very well feel "left behind" by his mother, which won't be made up by any amount of "care" the father can give. Just ask any single parent who's children were abandoned by their other parent. They may be super mom or dad, but the hurt, pain and anger felt is still there a very much a real part of their lives.
I also believe that for a long time the son may believe that a load of S##T and refuse to have any relationship with you. He might understand after he has children of his own and has to make some hard decisions on his own.
He could just as easily never forgive her. In fact, after having his own children and realizing he could never leave ANY of them, it might solidify his feelings even more. I've seen it with my own husband - the situation was different (both parents were always there), but the end result is still the same.
Sorry, I don't mean to pick on your post, just that even with those considerations, I still think she has not thought this whole situation through. I guess I just don't understand the need to leave the country as soon as possible. Surely there are resources in Canada for mother's in her situation?
Sorry, I don't mean to pick on your post, just that even with those considerations, I still think she has not thought this whole situation through. I guess I just don't understand the need to leave the country as soon as possible. Surely there are resources in Canada for mother's in her situation?
You weren't picking on my post. I agree with you but I was trying to be more tactful. That is why I said he "might" forgive her.
Mostly from my post I was hoping she might explain her choice. Because I am nosey. (hangs head in shame)
I do think she has the right to her choice but I was hoping that if she was clearer as to why she thought she had to do it, we might have better suggestions. Something better than the general sense of dread about how the son will eventually feel about it.
What about a job as an apartment complex manager. Even if the job is part-time but also includes the apartment...with the $500 VA pension, you could do okay...not great but okay.
I think I'd be trying to get the folks in Elmira to keep an ear open for something that will bring in some quick cash, like babysitting, caretaker for the elderly, etc. Something to help you get a small start if nothing else.
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