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frustrated
5K views 33 replies 26 participants last post by  Wendy99 
#1 ·
What do you do when you have some family that always wants you to travel there and lives a few hours away and you cant afford the gas money to go, not that they are kind to you when you do go anyways. We dont want to share our financial situation with them as we aren't close and all they would do is judge anyways. We have tried to invite them here, but its always them wanting us to go there. We only go a couple times a year but even that is hard on our budget as there is no wiggle room. Also what do you do you for celebrations that involve gifts like christmas and birthdays. Again they arent nice to us,we cant afford much, yet feel obligated.They would never appreciate homemade stuff and would probably make fun of us afterwards for it. We always do the picture thing (with good used frames as you cant tell once you open the packaging to put the picture in anyways) and we are never sure what else to do, but we often spend about $50 or so on something else. Often my husband and I don't buy gifts for eachother due to lack of money and I guess I feel bothered that we buy gifts for family that arent nice to us and we go without. Not trying to sound selfish,but just frustrated. I guess it probably goes much deeper than the money itself with these people, but the money is a huge stress too. I guess I just need to vent and need some ideas of what to do/say/get them with Christmas coming. Our children get very little for Christmas too from us - we just cant afford it. However our children understand and are thankful for anything they do get. That is one big thing I admire about or kids. Anyways I hope this doesnt sound horrible, just really down about it.
 
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#2 ·
I'm sorry, we can't make it this time. Perhaps you could visit us? No? Too bad.

As for holidays, send a card. Include a gift card if you must.

Get over the guilt. As you say, these people aren't nice to you. If they weren't family would you continue to associate with them?
 
#3 ·
CH - perfect points.

Is this DH's family? Is it correct that he feels the same way?

If they are going to talk about you anyway and they are not at least kind when you do visit, why do you go? Could it me that they issue the invitations to visit out of habit/tradition?

Personally, I would start declining the invitations. So sorry, we just cannot make it. Have a great time anyway!! If you put no energy into their invitation, you can also decline it with no guilt or energy also. It takes practice, but it can be done and will enhance your life tremendously.
 
#6 ·
Thanks for the ideas and support. It's such a crazy situation with them. We felt it was best to go a couple times a year; however, we are starting to doubt that is even working. They only appear nice if they want something, otherwise we are treated poorly. Just makes us sick - you've given us some good ideas to try out - we'll put those ideas to the test.
 
#14 ·
Give me a logical reason why you, given the history they've demonstrated, should continue to accommodate their wishes?
 
#7 ·
Forget about it!
-can't afford it
-not nice to you
-won't come to you
-only call /nice when they want something

Why would I ever go and be treated badly. I wouldn't. Haven't seen my MIL and her 3rd DH is 5 years. She complained about me to my DH as my DH lay 1/2 dead in a hospital bed in a lot of pain. I asked her for help. She replied there was nothing she could do as she didn't drive!! My Dmother would have done ANYTHING for us. Some people are a waste of space and unreemable IMHO. Run while you can.
 
#9 ·
If you stop going there, it will be easier to stop sending (expensive) presents.
 
#10 ·
Is there a positive relationship between them and your children?

Personally, even though my (and the wife's) family can afford gifts for each other, I've been trying to get away from the gift giving act. It's not that I don't like getting or giving, it just seems to become the focal point for some gatherings. I've been telling the families for years now, I just want to hang out and eat some good food, play a few games. It's made the holidays more fun doing this.

If your family can't enjoy having everyone around without the gifts, then it becomes difficult to spend time visiting. The financial aspect aside, it doesn't seem like they are good people to be around. Couple this with the financial strain on your close family, and it makes it an easy choice. Simply state you can't make it.

It sounds like they will judge you either way, so they might as well judge you for making the best choice for your family.
 
#11 ·
I suggest to just stop going. Send a card with a hm voucher inside stating that you 'donated time and volunteered' somewhere in lieu of a gift. Not sure if you're able to really do this but many people can benefit from it w/o it costing anything. :)
 
#12 · (Edited)
Don't let you and yours be held hostage out of a misguided sense of obligation. People have to treat you and your family with respect or they have no place in your life. Aren't you, your kids & hubby worth only the best? Put yourselves first.:tay:

No need to tell them much of anything. Merry Christmas & you are spending Christmas at home with your children. Enjoy that quiet, relaxing time with those you love caring for one another and those energy/joy zapping people can carry on as they will without you.

Edited to add: You are going to have one of your best Christmas's yet by giving yourselves this gift.
 
#13 ·
Does your husband put the pressure on you to visit his family?

If it is your family, he will probably have no complaints about avoiding visits with unpleasant people who drain you emotionally and financially.

"I have to work that weekend/day" works beautifully. Send an xmas card with your family photo. Do have an open invite to the people to visit you when they are traveling through your town but specify that they call ahead as your work schedule is variable.
 
#15 ·
My Dh and I had the same problems with several family members. Turns out, if you don't go to the holiday get-togethers (cause that's WAY out of our $$ range!...they're all about SPENDING)...they stop even trying to contact you! Hmmm...just wanted presents, huh?

Our lives are much less stressful now...but it WAS hard to make that break. I'm so glad we did, though.

Good luck!!
 
#16 ·
My ex husband's brothers family was this way sort of. They weren't mean to us but they always expected stuff from us.

After I got divorced I was still invited (still am) to family birthdays and holidays. (I'm Godmother to their three kids). Right out of the gate I told my SIL that my financial status has changed and I just can't afford to drop $25 on each kid at their birthdays or Christmas. I give a $10 giftcard to either McDonalds or KMart.

I don't feel guilty about it, I feel relieved!
 
#17 ·
Everyone has given you great advise! Just politely decline, and continue to invite them to your home (if you want to or feel obligated) saying it is your turn to come here... Don't worry what they say about you, even if they make fun of you, Who cares! Some people never grow up. And as far as gifts go, the pictures are a great idea, and have your kids help you make kitchen gifts (cookies or candy etc) to give them from all of you. Let them dare be so small to make fun of your children's generosity!
 
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#18 ·
I guess each time we do visit we hope that things will be different and they'll come around and be nice (in a genuine way) and talk to us. We kept it from the children, until they figured it out for themselves, now we no longer hide it. The children wonder why their grandparents dont talk to us etc when we are together (they do talk to the children). One year I got the kids to decorate something for them for Christmas one for their grandma & one for their grandpa - thinking it was something super special and their grandpa didnt even open it, he kind of shoved it in the seat beside his leg. The past 2 years he didnt even talk to us at - not even a Merry Christmas or goodbye. It's hard to deal with - yet they ALWAYS want us to travel up for it???? It stresses us out long before the season arrives (as you can tell). Then the money on top of that :( I like the idea of saying its their turn to come here - its cheaper for us to serve dinner (than the gas to get there) and we'd be more comfortable in our home - they couldn't possibly be guests and treat us like that ?? DH has indicated that the invitation wouldnt be open for Christmas Day - he wants an enjoyable Christmas.
 
#19 ·
This is a bit of a rant, sorry...

I think no one deserves to be abused, period.

It has taken me 50 years to say that my family was toxic to me and I should disassociate myself from them. Best year I've ever had is this one!

So, my advice is to walk away. Sharing DNA doesn't mean that you're obliged to them forever. I have a sister who's a millionaire. She only calls me when it's free, but will go on and on about family if given a chance. (Hello?)

I have other family who've kicked me in the teeth several times emotionally. They just moved 1 hour instead of 1 day away. Am I going to see them this holiday season? I hope NOT!

It took me a long, long time to close that door, but I'm worth it, and so are you. Whether you can afford it financially or not, you can't afford to associate with people who treat you badly, you NEVER owe that to ANYONE.

Walk, hold your head up, and smile. You can take control of your life, the lives of those in your household, and make them better by simply not seeing those folks.

You NEVER owe ANYONE the chance to be abused. And btw, do a little research, emotional abuse? The stuff family's do to each other when they aren't "nice" is the HARDEST to overcome. And an abusive or scapegoating family will play the guilt card over and over again, and then victimize you.

You do NOT owe anyone a chance to make you a victim, ever!

Sorry for the soapbox...but it took me 50 years to get here, and I really, sincerely hope that you can walk away sooner than that.

((hugs)) to you --

Judi
 
#20 ·
It sounds like your immediate family is all on the same page, it's just not the television nuclear family that everyone hopes and wants. If you feel comfortable, and your children are looking for an explanation, give the excuse that as people get older, their bodies and minds go amuck, and they act differently than they think they are.

Enjoy your stress-free Christmas. It sounds like it will be the first one in a long time.
 
#21 ·
We use to make excuses for their behaviour, however we decided it's no longer our job to make them look like heroes. We've decided the children can see them as they are now - there is no sense lying to the children. I think that makes it harder for them to understand it all. They're pretty smart for their age anyways. We dont do anything to make them look bad - they do that themselves, but we dont sugar coat it like we use to. When the children talk about their behaviour we simply say yes it's rude to do this or that and it hurts our feelings and we don't do that to people we love etc. The only part that really hurts is we want to see the childrens great grandparents who now we assume are brainwashed as we havent heard from the great grandparents in months :( .. dont understand why they need all the drama & then they wonder why we don't feel comfortable coming up and only come a couple times a year ... ahhhhh .. really starting to think that things on our turf is the only way to go with these people
 
#22 ·
As someone else said 'Get over the guilt'. They sound like nasty people who, even if you had gas $ falling out of your pockets, you shouldn't waste your time visiting often at all. Invite them to your place, if they won't come, so be it, it's on them...it's way past their turn to make an effort. As for gifts.....hhhmmm...if you're not comfortable skipping them all together for them (though it sounds like you should), maybe some Dunkin Donut gift cards? Could spend $5 a piece, everyone likes them, and if they're too greedy to enjoy them, so be it!

Your situation reminds me of what used to be with my MIL and SIL, who live together, 45 minutes away. Took us a while, but we got to the point of 'Yup, we're coming down every 2-3 months, you're welcome to visit in between, and we're no longer going nuts with the gifts- deal.' And they did, and we felt just plain FREE-ER (ok, so it's not a word, it is now).

They were angry, but it was WORTH IT. It was ludicrous when we were dragging a toddler and infant down there every other or 3 weekends, yet they REFUSED to come to our place 'it's too far'. It was all one sided effort, and while we always got the guilt trips (we haven't seen you in 6 weeks!), at the end of the day, THEY chose to have it that way, not us. You gotta let these negative self absorbed people wallow in their own pity party and not partake- it truly, really, is a new peace of mind for you!

My MIL passed this last summer, I always worried my husband would feel very guilty- he does not. He is simply sad his mother chose to live her life expecting everyone else to rain attention and effort on her, without reciprocating. Had she chosen to, she could have been more involved with us and our children. At some point you have to chose to worry less about what they think and more about what's right and good and moving forward for your family.
 
#23 ·
I would not buy them gifts anymore. I would say it's because you want to de-commercialize your holidays. I'd use white lies to get out of visiting them without revealing personal finance troubles. You could say the family has decided to do volunteer work or something. Good thing if your kids are all on board and it wouldn't be a lie if you actually DID donate some time at a soup kitchen, church or hospital.
 
#24 ·
Take a step back and think about it this way:
If you had tons of money and they would treat you as they do, would you still feel guilty for not wanting to go?

It sounds to me as if you may be feeling more guilty about not (or barely) being able to pay for the trip and gifts than not wanting to see them.

You're doing the right thing, creating a better future for your family. You should never have to be ashamed for that, let alone voluntarily endure others - family nontheless! - making fun of you for that.
 
#25 ·
Although I haven't been able to make the break yet, I agree with
Luv2BeFrugal....

My family does not need a thing. But, they won't break the chain that binds us. They are very materialistic. I have tried
mentioning charities...no way.

I have tried to go the route of picking names, and spending
75.00 on an individual family member... no way.

I do believe that this is the year that I will claim that I am poor.

They can send my gifts to the food bank.

And, my gifts to them will also be donated to the food bank.

I do hope that they might appreciate someone in desparate need.

carol
 
#26 ·
I had a similar experience with a friend at my childrens school, they only ever spoke to me or invited me places when they wanted me to buy something ie tupperware parties etc, i was never invited for just coffee etc and for some stupid reason i always felt obligated to go or at least buy something (yet i would say no to my kids if they wanted something i felt we couldnt affors) Then i thought about it and decided i dont like these people and i dont need there approval. now i go about my business and talk to my real friends and ignore these people. sure enough they are now trying to talk to me each day.... but then again there is another tupperware party on the horizon. DUMP THEM I DID AND I FEEL GREAT
 
#27 ·
I think Judi said it all!!!
I also think you should tell them that you are not giving any presents this year or any other year and you do not need to reveal your financial status. You could say something like "We have decided to focus on the real meaning of the holidays and not purchase any presents." I also would not go to visit them...they sound very toxic.
I have some similar relatives and I do not visit them and I change the topic whenever they discuss coming to visit me.
 
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#28 ·
Thank you so much, we avoided going to see them for Thanksgiving and it was less stress, but I'm not sure how Christmas will go. Reading all this support really helps to know we are not the only ones in this situation! We really wish it was different with these people and I think thats why we have kept going back and going back (even if just 1-2 times a year) - nothing really changes with them though. There are a couple of other relatives we would still like to keep in touch with , but its hard keeping in touch with those couple that are good and still avoiding the ones that feel like poison - especially when the good ones dont see our side because we dont talk about it - I mean why involve the others & the ones we dont get along with do announce to everyone what is going on - so I guess with only one side of the story we look like the ones to blame - which we hate! We really don't feel like doing a he said she said with them all if you know what I mean - we were hoping they would see through it all, but we have not heard from the ones we wanted to keep in touch with for almost 4 months now which is a bit tough, but what are we to do.
 
#29 ·
...we have not heard from the ones we wanted to keep in touch with for almost 4 months now which is a bit tough, but what are we to do.
Have you ever heard the saying "The person least committed to the relationship controls it?" Perhaps it's time to step back and let them come to you. If they never do, you'll know for sure that they didn't really care to begin with. You've done enough.

IME, people behave better in a relationship where they have to work a little. This goes both ways. :)
 
#31 ·
The part of the family that we want to keep in touch with are in their 80s so I can excuse that - they are caught in the middle of what they are told by the others. I dont know whether its fortunate or unfortunate, but we don't want to burder them with our side & further put them in the middle. It bothers us that the other side has done that. They are the sweetest old couple who mean no harm - they are just misinformed by the others and being older and only hearing one side they probably really have no idea. We just wish the rest of the family was like them. But in any other situation what you said makes complete sense.
 
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