frustrated

**Wendy99** · 10-02-2010, 03:49 PM

What do you do when you have some family that always wants you to travel there and lives a few hours away and you cant afford the gas money to go, not that they are kind to you when you do go anyways. We dont want to share our financial situation with them as we aren't close and all they would do is judge anyways. We have tried to invite them here, but its always them wanting us to go there. We only go a couple times a year but even that is hard on our budget as there is no wiggle room. Also what do you do you for celebrations that involve gifts like christmas and birthdays. Again they arent nice to us,we cant afford much, yet feel obligated.They would never appreciate homemade stuff and would probably make fun of us afterwards for it. We always do the picture thing (with good used frames as you cant tell once you open the packaging to put the picture in anyways) and we are never sure what else to do, but we often spend about $50 or so on something else. Often my husband and I don't buy gifts for eachother due to lack of money and I guess I feel bothered that we buy gifts for family that arent nice to us and we go without. Not trying to sound selfish,but just frustrated. I guess it probably goes much deeper than the money itself with these people, but the money is a huge stress too. I guess I just need to vent and need some ideas of what to do/say/get them with Christmas coming. Our children get very little for Christmas too from us - we just cant afford it. However our children understand and are thankful for anything they do get. That is one big thing I admire about or kids. Anyways I hope this doesnt sound horrible, just really down about it.

**Contrary Housewife** · 10-02-2010, 04:18 PM

I'm sorry, we can't make it this time. Perhaps you could visit us? No? Too bad.

As for holidays, send a card. Include a gift card if you must.

Get over the guilt. As you say, these people aren't nice to you. If they weren't family would you continue to associate with them?

**mauimagic** · 10-02-2010, 05:19 PM

CH - perfect points.

Is this DH's family? Is it correct that he feels the same way?

If they are going to talk about you anyway and they are not at least kind when you do visit, why do you go? Could it me that they issue the invitations to visit out of habit/tradition?

Personally, I would start declining the invitations. So sorry, we just cannot make it. Have a great time anyway!! If you put no energy into their invitation, you can also decline it with no guilt or energy also. It takes practice, but it can be done and will enhance your life tremendously.

**furray** · 10-02-2010, 08:06 PM

we had a similar situation with my family, so we just told them that we were starting a tradition of staying home and we enjoyed it so much more

**BlissMommy** · 10-02-2010, 08:15 PM

Stop going. It's really that simple. I wouldn't travel to someone's home who isn't nice to me anyways. Think of how you could use that money for your children, your family comes first.

**Wendy99** · 10-02-2010, 09:49 PM

Thanks for the ideas and support. It's such a crazy situation with them. We felt it was best to go a couple times a year; however, we are starting to doubt that is even working. They only appear nice if they want something, otherwise we are treated poorly. Just makes us sick - you've given us some good ideas to try out - we'll put those ideas to the test.

**frugalwarrior2** · 10-02-2010, 10:39 PM

Forget about it!
-can't afford it
-not nice to you
-won't come to you
-only call /nice when they want something

Why would I ever go and be treated badly. I wouldn't. Haven't seen my MIL and her 3rd DH is 5 years. She complained about me to my DH as my DH lay 1/2 dead in a hospital bed in a lot of pain. I asked her for help. She replied there was nothing she could do as she didn't drive!! My Dmother would have done ANYTHING for us. Some people are a waste of space and unreemable IMHO. Run while you can.

**rissimo** · 10-02-2010, 11:39 PM

[QUOTE=frugalwarrior2;1420477]
Forget about it!
-can't afford it
-not nice to you
-won't come to you
-only call /nice when they want something

Why would I ever go and be treated badly. I wouldn't. Some people are a waste of space and unreemable IMHO. Run while you can.[/QUOTE

I have been in the same situation and I totally agree!!

**Siebrie** · 10-03-2010, 02:45 PM

If you stop going there, it will be easier to stop sending (expensive) presents.

**mndtrp** · 10-03-2010, 10:06 PM

Is there a positive relationship between them and your children?

Personally, even though my (and the wife's) family can afford gifts for each other, I've been trying to get away from the gift giving act. It's not that I don't like getting or giving, it just seems to become the focal point for some gatherings. I've been telling the families for years now, I just want to hang out and eat some good food, play a few games. It's made the holidays more fun doing this.

If your family can't enjoy having everyone around without the gifts, then it becomes difficult to spend time visiting. The financial aspect aside, it doesn't seem like they are good people to be around. Couple this with the financial strain on your close family, and it makes it an easy choice. Simply state you can't make it.

It sounds like they will judge you either way, so they might as well judge you for making the best choice for your family.

**Libby** · 10-03-2010, 10:39 PM

I suggest to just stop going. Send a card with a hm voucher inside stating that you 'donated time and volunteered' somewhere in lieu of a gift. Not sure if you're able to really do this but many people can benefit from it w/o it costing anything.

**Darlene** · 10-04-2010, 08:31 AM

Don't let you and yours be held hostage out of a misguided sense of obligation. People have to treat you and your family with respect or they have no place in your life. Aren't you, your kids & hubby worth only the best? Put yourselves first.

No need to tell them much of anything. Merry Christmas & you are spending Christmas at home with your children. Enjoy that quiet, relaxing time with those you love caring for one another and those energy/joy zapping people can carry on as they will without you.

Edited to add: You are going to have one of your best Christmas's yet by giving yourselves this gift.

**miss_cas** · 10-04-2010, 11:24 AM

Does your husband put the pressure on you to visit his family?

If it is your family, he will probably have no complaints about avoiding visits with unpleasant people who drain you emotionally and financially.

"I have to work that weekend/day" works beautifully. Send an xmas card with your family photo. Do have an open invite to the people to visit you when they are traveling through your town but specify that they call ahead as your work schedule is variable.

**Greebo** · 10-04-2010, 11:36 AM

Originally Posted by Wendy99

Thanks for the ideas and support. It's such a crazy situation with them. We felt it was best to go a couple times a year; however, we are starting to doubt that is even working. They only appear nice if they want something, otherwise we are treated poorly. Just makes us sick - you've given us some good ideas to try out - we'll put those ideas to the test.

Give me a logical reason why you, given the history they've demonstrated, should continue to accommodate their wishes?

**Luv2BeFrugal** · 10-04-2010, 03:35 PM

My Dh and I had the same problems with several family members. Turns out, if you don't go to the holiday get-togethers (cause that's WAY out of our $$ range!...they're all about SPENDING)...they stop even trying to contact you! Hmmm...just wanted presents, huh?

Our lives are much less stressful now...but it WAS hard to make that break. I'm so glad we did, though.

Good luck!!