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Borrowing Money = Excruciating

5K views 33 replies 25 participants last post by  KennySoward 
#1 ·
Just a bit of a vent here.

I hate borrowing money from my mother.

I had to finally break down and call and ask her for money for part of my rent today. I'm so close to having a balanced budget but due to an issue with the late arrival of a rebate, I found myself $600 short on rent.

It was awful.

My mom is not a warm fuzzy person, first of all. Since Dad passed away she has been pretty tough to deal with.

When I called, I asked if she could please just say yes or no, not berate me. Fast forward to an hour and a half later, me in tears. I know that at 41 I'm too old to be begging for money. The need to ask for help in and of itself was humiliating.

She called me:

~ a loser
~ a fool with money
~ a bad mom
~ irresponsible
~ a terrible daughter

She reminded me of:

~ my failed "idiotic bead business"
~ that "shack" I bought
~ my car that I voluntarily gave back to Chrysler
~ my kids being "near starvation" (not sure when that supposedly happened)
~ quitting my job
~ being unable to work because of depression and anxiety issues that I apparently "made up" because I'm lazy
~ turning my back on my family and country because I live in Canada instead of the US

She told me I was a horrible disappointment to both her and my dad, my dad had been ashamed of me but didn't want to tell me, and that I threw all my "opportunities" in her face.

I suppose the pain and humiliation of this phone call is my interest on the loan. I feel so ill right now. If I was not on the verge of eviction, I would never have asked, but I can't let my kids be homeless
 
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#4 ·
Gee! That's about as harsh and hurtful as it gets. Times are so tough right now, and family is supposed to be "there" for us when they can be. I know I've been on both sides of the coin, and I know how hard it is to ask (my hubby was out of a job). But I've paid it forward in my family quite a few times. Some can repay, some can't, at least not yet. Others I knew needed it and I offered before they had to ask. But the point is we don't need to make people feel worse than they already do.

I'm sorry you went thru that, especially with your mom. My only advice is to only count on the money you're sure of, and be sure to pay your mom back asap. At least you can hold your head up knowing you did the right thing in the end. That stands for ALOT. At least in my book.

Hang in there!

Theresa :)
 
#5 ·
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can relate, my family isn't warm and fuzzy either.

Whatever she said, you know what the real truth is. Be very gentle with yourself today. (((hugs)))
 
#6 ·
Wow! As a mother, I cannot imagine saying those things to one of my kids, no matter how frustrated I was with one of them. Looks like you're the type of mother that will break the cycle of abuse and not EVER talk like that to one of your kids, knowing how damaging it is to the individual and the relationship between parent and child. That is something positive to take away from the situation. If I was you, I'd send a letter back to her when you repay her, telling her how much her cruel words hurt you. I hope you find healing in your relationship with your mother. That's just really sad.
 
#9 ·
Your mom probably has other issues that she has yet to deal with and subconsciously she's taking them out on you. I'm sorry she's doing this to you. I'm going to guess you don't turn to her to borrow money often?

I think you did the right thing in turning to her in your time of need to provide for your girls vs asking for money to go on vacation or partying etc. It takes a lot of courage to ask to borrow money from family and in turn you swallowed your pride. I'd say you did the grown up thing here and sadly your mom couldn't be a grown up back to you. Judging from this situation...there will not be a next time b/c you will have your budget up to snuff and will be able to avoid situations like these.

Keep strong with your chin up...these are the roadblocks in life that will make you stronger.

:hug2:


Actually my brother does deserve to be treated like that b/c all he's ever done is hold his hand out for money. He thinks its normal to borrow large sums of money to go on vacation and buy unnecessary 'things' for the heck of it vs repairing his own home which is collapsing/falling out from underneath him as we speak. He says there's intent to repay but not one effort has been made sincerely. Just wish my dad had a backbone to give him a reality check. Both my sister and I do it b/c we're tired of having to protect dad and his money from my brother.
 
#11 ·
Hugs and Blessings to you, keep your chin up!
 
#14 ·
Thank you for the kind words. I just turned the computer off and wallowed yesterday, but I'm up this morning feeling more optimistic.

Yes, she did send the money. Rent is paid and this month shall go on.

The rebate was a government thing, so it should have been definite money. However, because I moved, there was a mixup in addresses and I didn't recieve it.

My good news is this.

Now that the bank owns my house, today I am taking action. I am cancelling the utilities, which I had been paying so that it could be saleable. That is about $150 a month I will no longer be spending. I'm also canceling the insurance on the house, which was nearly $300. The rebate, which is because of my low income over the past couple of years, is a monthly thing, so this month I will get double. The day it arrives I am sending it via Moneygram back to my mom, with interest of 10%, so she will be paid back in full this month.

I see some light at the end of the tunnel. Without all of the house bills choking the life out of me, I can look forward to next month, paying everything on time, without undue stress.

I'm also going to see a bankruptcy attorney today regarding all of the financial chaos surrounding me, to see what my best option is.

Thank you for your kind words. I spent some time trying to wrap my brain around the situation with my mom. She really does have some deep issues, and the funny thing is, no one in her social circle would ever believe in a million years that she spoke to me like that. Everyone outside the immediate family thinks she is so much fun and so nice. But home was always like that, one guilt-inducing rant after another. My dad used to tell me this, and although it was harsh, it was so true. He always would shake his head when she launched into one of her tirades and say, "I want you to remember this, because it is a perfect example of how not to be. If you don't forgive others, God won't forgive you." So my battle is finding a way to forgive for the heart-breaking things she said. Paying back the money is easy. Letting go of the hurt is a lot tougher.

Your encouragement and suggestions mean the world. I feel very very hugged.
 
#21 ·
Now that the bank owns my house, today I am taking action. I am cancelling the utilities, which I had been paying so that it could be saleable. That is about $150 a month I will no longer be spending. I'm also canceling the insurance on the house, which was nearly $300. The rebate, which is because of my low income over the past couple of years, is a monthly thing, so this month I will get double. The day it arrives I am sending it via Moneygram back to my mom, with interest of 10%, so she will be paid back in full this month.

I'm also going to see a bankruptcy attorney today regarding all of the financial chaos surrounding me, to see what my best option is.
Above your post Russ asked a very good question...do you have it in writing that the bank has possession of your house
I don't know how Canada works...you are in Canada aren't you?..I think I remember you...avatar has changed...it used to be with 2 little blonde girls...you were very supportive of me when we were filing for bankruptcy...
Either way, unless it's in writing, DON'T assume the bank has possession of it...not until it goes to court and court has ruled so...until then I believe it's your's until the judge says different...Just because you've been served dosen't mean you don't still own it.

If you're filing the bankruptcy, include the house whether it is recourse or non recourse...even people in california which is a non recourse state, people are getting 1099c..in which case they owe the difference between what it is sold for and what was owed...didn't think it was supposed to be that way. But we know someone whose brother is in that situation in California.

Also include the PMI company ( private mortgage insurance company ) if there is one..cause while they may have to pay the original mortgage company whatever...then they can come after you for what they had to pay. Taxes and insurance included in the mortgage? Hopefully...if not find out WHO owes for the taxes/insurance until filed. Think it will be you until it's filed.

On the bankruptcy, they will lose stuff...when you're making all those copies...make an extra set, file it cause when they say they didn't receive you already have it and don't have to dig again. We had to make copies of drivers licenses 3 times...ugh

Definitely list the house regardless...it can come back and bite you in the butt.
 
#16 ·
No, and neither did my realtor.

But the locks were changed and the shed has a chain around it.

My realtor (a close friend) is trying to get some information today - everything was closed yesterday for a statuatory holiday.
 
#17 ·
Eh, at this point I wouldn't worry about it. Even if some bum got in and changed the locks and decided to take it over, I'd still let it go! You've got to much to worry about. No point in scooping buckets of water out of a sinking ship.

I'm sorry about your mom. I hope things start looking up for you.
 
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#20 ·
I still have no answers about who locked up my house. I've left messages everywhere and am waiting to hear back. The financial trustee I spoke with said that it may have been done illegally since no one was notified. So I guess I'm paying the bills a little longer.

I filled out over 20 pages of financial info today - what fun! I also gathered up all of the supporting paperwork. I'm very ready to get some accurate information.
 
#22 ·
It undoubtedly was NOT a bum, it was the bank...and it was done after they sent someone out to verify whether someone lived there or not...they determined that no one was living there so they secured their investment but that does not make it theirs...YET...the court has not ruled.

Do they have an address TO notify you? If not, that will be their excuse to locking it up...if they have an address then yes they should have...however we weren't notified when they locked the other house up that we had that had belonged to his mom...

We filed both houses...hopefully we move before long
 
#24 ·
On daisygirls other thread..monkeywrangler says law in Candada IS different than in the US. So my information will do her no good. All I can say is wishing you the best and please let us know the outcome. All I can say is you have to do what you have to do.
 
#25 ·
Ahhh Daisygirl your Mother and mine could sit hand in hand in evil land and like yours my mother comes off sweet a pie to others who would never believe the evil she spews There is a saying in Italian canta canta which loosely means sing sing when she goes off on you say that to you yourself it kinda means talk all you want it doesnt matter My beloved Dad used to say that to me when my mother would go on one of her rants Just remember its her not you and value yourself This too sahll pass
 
#26 ·
I just wanted to say good luck on the house situation being brought to a close. It's never easy to forgive and forget, but it sounds like you'll have to with your mother. You know you're a good mother and a good person and I'm sure she does too, even if she can't express it.
 
#27 ·
Too bad can't declare Mother-Ruptcy. It'd be less painful than the bankruptcy.

I abhor borrowing or asking for ANYTHING from my parents. To the point that I do stupid stuff just to avoid it even though it will cost me more in the long run than if I'd just asked them.

Hugs to you, I'm sorry you are going through all this, I don't know enough about this money and bankruptcy stuff to offer financial advice but mothers, those I've got experience with.
 
#28 ·
You guys are just wonderful. I started another thread about the meeting with the trustee. Maybe I just start one titled "I'm broke" and let it get to 50 pages or so, lol.

At least I'm not the only one with Mama issues. I hope I took a lesson from this that I will remember when my kids are 40!

Thank you so much for the advice and support.
 
#30 ·
My family can be like this. I am also goaded about being a single almost spenster, being overweight, being underemployed, my health problems, accepting her handouts/gifts sometimes...

I NEVER hear anything negative regarding my sister and she is the high paid mooch, thin beauty, well married and Mom in need of a free babysitter (drive the kids around 60+ miles and please buy dinner).

Realize your Mother will never have anything positive to say ever. It's not you, it's her. Make the steps necessary to never need her financially again and just send a birthday/xmas card.
 
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