Supporting mom and her BIG mistake...Help?

**MTS04** · 07-20-2011, 09:53 PM

Wow, the world would be a very boring place if we couldn't give our insights as to how we might react to a situation. Really, opinions and ideas is what formulates some free thought.

As for me, anyone in my family knows, that if they get behind the wheel when they are inebriated, I will not bail them out, no matter, no how. It's not up for debate with me.
A drunk driver put my dad in the hospital when I was very young. Basically from new years to Thanksgiving, I was carted back and forth to the hospital with my dad because of the severe damage caused to him. It's not fun seeing your dad in traction and wondering why he's upside down in a bed.

**LuvMyHubby** · 07-23-2011, 03:08 PM

I wasn't going to respond in this thread as part of my response probably wouldn't be too popular but it is what it is so here goes:

Your mom is most fortunate that she hasn't hurt anyone yet and so are you, since it is your car she drives which is probably I would guess insured by you. Your butt would be just as toasted as hers had she hurt anyone.

Now, here comes the unpopular portion. Honestly, I wouldn't pay for her incidentals, probation fees etc. Let her make arrangements to pay a bit at a time. However, I completely understand your desire to not let her jail time to possibly be spread out over years because there is no money to pay for upkeep........not popular but you know what, I too would move pretty much heavan and earth to not see my 60+ mother who had never done jail time stay there beyond her sentence because she cannot pay. No way on God's green earth. That doesn't mean that there wouldn't be changes once she got out or that she wouldn't be paying me back or paying the rest of her own mess and the car she drives buh-bye until she can afford her own and her own insurance and darn well certain she would be in a program and/or AA.

**Vegas1980** · 07-23-2011, 08:40 PM

Mom has been in jail two weeks. I have visited her twice, and it's been awful and hard. But she is ok.

And being ok has entailed realizing that this side of life (doing things that harm others, harm and hurt families, cost money for stupid things, etc) is not what she wants.

This has been an experience that has not only changed HER, but has changed me. I NEVER want to do something that gets me put behind bars. I have seen and heard some scary awful things, and realizing these people in there doing that stuff are from MY community, makes me want to cry!

Child molesters, lots and lots and LOTS of drugs, armed robbery for crying out loud! (alot of the people stay in jail for a bit and then transfer to prison.)

I saw a guy that was Charles Manson's twin.

This whole experience with mom, reading all of your comments, and feeling all of these emotions (and the money!) has been life changing - honestly.

One more week until mom might be released...I drove by the jail today and could see the women in the "yard"...I blew alot of kisses.

**larabelle** · 07-24-2011, 11:23 AM

I was not going to post to this thread ...but here goes. I know this will not be a popular response. But I worked as a nurse in a couple minnimum, medium, maximum prisons as well as county jails.

1.) Not all jail staff are rude/inconsiderate to the families of inmates but the jail staff get so sick of dealing with the guff which the inmates give and the codependent family members.

2.) I know she is your mother and I respect that but I have just seen to many inmates in jails who were repeatively bailed out by their relatives end up in prison because they did not learn their lessons. I would so hate for your mom to end up in prison because let me tell you ...I know from first hand that prison is so much worse compared to jail.

**Missourimom** · 07-24-2011, 07:36 PM

I personally think each and every member on this forum should be entitled to share their opinion on this topic weather or not they've walked in your shoes or not. When a drunk gets behind a wheel, EVERYONE is effected. We can only pray your mother will get the help she needs. If not, I hope she does not end up dead along a highway in AZ like my father did because he was wasted. Too bad the police never caught him before and put him in jail and thank God his poor judgement didn't kill anyone else. Also, my Brother-in-law battled a longtime heroin addiction that controlled his life and in the end, he took his own life because the addiction destroyed his life (as well as others) So, a lot of us who seem to have a chip on our shoulder or strong opinions, have them for a reason.

**Dixie** · 07-25-2011, 05:26 PM

Originally Posted by Missourimom

a lot of us who seem to have a chip on our shoulder or strong opinions, have them for a reason.

I agree. My father was an alcoholic, as is my dh, (he's been sober for 25 yrs) as well as our dil.
I agree with the others who say don't enable! I'm praying for you.

**Michelle68** · 07-25-2011, 10:00 PM

My father was also a major alcoholic, meaning that he might have been sober maybe,oh, two days out a month. Not only that, but he was not a very nice or happy alcoholic. My mother finally divorced him when I was two years old and she was pregnant with my brother. She says I walked in on him beating the h*ll out of her and started screaming. That gave her the courage to finally walk out.

I never really wanted to have a lot to do with my dad but every so often, when my brother and I were kids, he would get it in his head that he "missed" us and wanted us to come visit him. This would be during the summer so my mom would send us on down to the coast, 2 hours away, for what usually ended up being a couple of weeks stay which culminated with us coming home because our dad was getting into his "mean drunk" stage again.

One summer, when I was about 12 years old, I remember my father decided he was going to go get something to eat. He got into the car and drove away, very inebriated. A couple of hours later, he was brought home by the small town police. He was covered with blue paint (which had been in the backseat of his car) and moaning and groaning about how much pain he was in. It turns out that he had hit another car head on while he was out. The driver of the other car ended up losing both his legs in the accident. I remember watching my father lay on the floor, still drunk, and complaining about how much his back hurt and thinking, "How can anyone be so selfish? You just totally devastated another man's life by drinking and driving."

Anyway, I guess the point of my story is that, as Dana posted, even though none of us know specifically how the original poster feels, many of us may have very strong opinions on the matter due to our own life experiences. A parent with an addiction is a frustrating and often heartbreaking situation many of us deal with. I think many of us can offer important insight and support to others who deal with the same issues.

As far as my dad goes, he died about 3 years ago from lung cancer. He had stopped drinking, but was then hooked on Vicodin. He exchanged one addiction for another. We were never close. I found it much easier to keep my distance from his demons than be drawn into the hell of co-dependence and constant disappointment. But my brother and I were both there during his last days, visiting him in the hospital, taking care of the medical details,etc. It was the least I could do--he was my father, after all.

**Vegas1980** · 07-26-2011, 09:30 PM

Originally Posted by Michelle68

My father was also a major alcoholic, meaning that he might have been sober maybe,oh, two days out a month. Not only that, but he was not a very nice or happy alcoholic. My mother finally divorced him when I was two years old and she was pregnant with my brother. She says I walked in on him beating the h*ll out of her and started screaming. That gave her the courage to finally walk out.

I never really wanted to have a lot to do with my dad but every so often, when my brother and I were kids, he would get it in his head that he "missed" us and wanted us to come visit him. This would be during the summer so my mom would send us on down to the coast, 2 hours away, for what usually ended up being a couple of weeks stay which culminated with us coming home because our dad was getting into his "mean drunk" stage again.

One summer, when I was about 12 years old, I remember my father decided he was going to go get something to eat. He got into the car and drove away, very inebriated. A couple of hours later, he was brought home by the small town police. He was covered with blue paint (which had been in the backseat of his car) and moaning and groaning about how much pain he was in. It turns out that he had hit another car head on while he was out. The driver of the other car ended up losing both his legs in the accident. I remember watching my father lay on the floor, still drunk, and complaining about how much his back hurt and thinking, "How can anyone be so selfish? You just totally devastated another man's life by drinking and driving."

Anyway, I guess the point of my story is that, as Dana posted, even though none of us know specifically how the original poster feels, many of us may have very strong opinions on the matter due to our own life experiences. A parent with an addiction is a frustrating and often heartbreaking situation many of us deal with. I think many of us can offer important insight and support to others who deal with the same issues.

As far as my dad goes, he died about 3 years ago from lung cancer. He had stopped drinking, but was then hooked on Vicodin. He exchanged one addiction for another. We were never close. I found it much easier to keep my distance from his demons than be drawn into the hell of co-dependence and constant disappointment. But my brother and I were both there during his last days, visiting him in the hospital, taking care of the medical details,etc. It was the least I could do--he was my father, after all.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts...I am sorry for your loss and the difficult times your family experienced.

Your last statement - "he was my father, after all" rings so true.

**JerryG** · 07-26-2011, 10:07 PM

Haven't read ANY responses - If she's to go to tent city under arpio w/ a hip replacement she may get a top bunk. . . It can get to 150 degrees w/ rancid water 'flavored' w/ unsweetened kool-aid ilo gatorade. Does she live in AZ? If not, ask for a sentence where she lives in a better living situation.

**patriciakennedy76** · 09-06-2011, 09:49 AM

I am so sorry. I hope everythign works out

**PurpleSnowflake** · 09-15-2011, 04:31 AM

Any update?

**dancemommy** · 09-15-2011, 07:12 AM

What a difficult situation! From an outsiders point of view, I think you should do everything you can to support her aside from directly paying her DUI related bills. Be there for her. Offer her a place to live, feed her, clothe her. But do not let yourself go financially under taking care of her or you will not be able to take care of anyone!