Supporting mom and her BIG mistake...Help?

[Vegas1980]

Ok - so I am terrified. Walking a tightrope of having hope we will get through this, and having an anxiety attack.

My mom got an Extreme DUI in Arizona about 5 months ago. She was there on vacation and was pulled over on the side of the road when a cop approached her. She was not booked at the time, but they impounded her vehicle (which I own).

My mom is on unemployment and lives with me. She is 62 and just recently had a hip replacement...she was in construction, but no one is wanting to hire her in any job unfortunately.

Anyways, I luckily had received my tax return, so I gave her $1500 for a DUI attorney.

I have paid for her to fly down to Arizona twice in the last three months for court dates - the last one was the "big" one.

She has been mandated to 30 days in jail (costing ME $400 a WEEK while she is there...I had NO idea we had to PAY for jail. A total of about $1200 - $1600 depending on if she does the full 30 or if she does 20)

Court fees are $125 a month for the next three years, but we had to pay an upfront fee of about $300 or so.

As soon as she gets out of jail, she has to do a "rehab" class for 36 hours, but the guy said that he "prefers" people do 55 hours. (he CAN make her do the extra time - checked already) That will cost about $800 - $900 and has to be completed by October 30.

In the mail, I just got letters saying that she also has to have an interlock device for one year AND attend Traffic Survival School...both of which will cost ME.

My mom is a GOOD woman. She is all the family I have and I am all she has. She has NEVER even so much as had a SPEEDING ticket in her ENTIRE life.

She does have an alcohol problem, and I can only say that I am thankful that this dilemma helped her see that finally.

But her unemployment just ran out THIS week (Murphy's Law?) and she had to file for emergency unemployment...which of course she won't get for a while.

How am I supposed to financially do this? I have written on here before, but haven't shared this story. I am a FULL month behind on my mortgage. My cell phone bill, electricity, etc are all on the verge of being shut off.

It's my MOM. I can't abandon her. But I need advice...I am SO scared that HER mistake is going to forever ruin me.

[Nishu]

What will happen if she doesn't pay these things?

(Your DUI lawyer sucks, btw.)

[khaski]

I am so sorry your family is going through this...but a little confused why it's YOUR bills. She is a 'big girl', and while she may be a good person in lots of ways, she's been VERY irresponsible. It is not turning your back on her to insist she deals with HER bills that came from her 'mistake'.....it sounds like she does indeed have a drinking problem, you might need to deal out some 'tough love' and let her hit bottom here and make he clean up her own mess. Cleaning up after her not only enables her to continue her addiction, but is obviously hurting you too. I don't mean to sound callous here,it is SO clear how much she means to you- but sometimes, just like we have to let our children deal with their consequences of bad,stupid behavior, we have to do the same with our parents. She will not learn or change this if you are 'fixing' it all for her!

I have a friend who just spent 2 years paying off over $20k total his sister stole from him using credit cards. She also stole a large sum of cash from their mother, who passed away about 6 months later. She has had multiple DUIs in the last few years, now has warrants out for her arrest as she refuses to pay the $1k in fines for it nor will she do the community service ordered. She has burned bridges with all her family...and my friend sometimes wonders, if he had reported the theft and pressed charges, if it might have straightened her out and avoided all this. Who knows? But sometimes loving someone means being tough. Say 'no' out of love- she created this mess, let her figure it out- you've got your own burdens. You paying all these bills SHE incurred for her illegal dangerous activity only teaches her you'll take care of it- moving the responsibility from her, where it belongs, to you. Mover it back to her!!! She may get mad and be hurt, but it's doing her a favor in the long run. Good luck.

[craftypam]

I so agree with khaski; maybe you should attend an al anon meeting letting you know how not to be an enabler.
I also don't mean to sound callous; but its her mistake and her debt.

What would happen if she lets them know she can't afford this all at once and needs to make payments? I'm sure she won't be the first person to find herself in this trouble w/o enough money to immediately cover it.

[Vegas1980]

I don't think any of you sound callous...I understand what you are saying completely.

I think I feel obligated because she has lived with me for the last 6 years after she used all of her retirement (everything) to open a business that failed.

She has helped support me, and I am so scared of her being alone.

I have no other family and I love her so much.

I don't know what would happen if she tells them she can't afford it. The jail told her they would work out a payment plan for her - that's the $400 a week! that's the PLAN!?

I am so...scared and upset.

[Nishu]

Even if your mother is so far in debt that she'd be paying it off until she's 137, she's still yours. You can still take care of her and help her by keeping a roof over her head and feeding her. You're not responsible for her debts and we do'nt imprison people here for being in debt. Personally, I'd just try to accept the fact that she's financially screwed and then start from there. I mean really, accept it. have her call them up and find out what's going to happen when she doesn't pay. Do it with the assumption that you can't pay it either, because you can't.

I'm sorry, I really wish I had a better answer for you.

[panda999]

What happens if she doesn't (can't pay the $400/week) while in jail? I mean, do they let her out? Tack it onto the probation/alcohol classes? Hold her longer. I understand the importance of getting her to her court hearings, but there have to be thousands of individuals unable to pay those type of continuing fees . . . my questions is whether NOT paying those things would hurt her in the long run . . . if it is just a judgment or a hit to her credit score, she probably already has problems in that regard from being unemployed for so long. If that is the case, would seem more important for you to focus your money on keeping your home/place to live. Just a thought. Sorry you are faced with this very difficult dilemma.

[Vegas1980]

Since she is physically in jail right now, I have no idea how they normally expect people to pay. I can't leave her in there...I will try to remember to ask tomorrow when I call what happens if there is no money. I read somewhere that she could stay in jail for three YEARS to pay it all. There is NO way I am leaving her in there like that, obviously.

I really appreciate any and all advice - I may not fully agree with everything, but I know that it is all meant to be helpful - and for that I appreciate it.

[Spirit Deer]

Where is she getting the money to travel to AZ from WA? Where does she get the money to drink? How can she afford a vacation when you can't pay for the roof you're putting over her head?

If she is in jail, would she get any help for her alcoholism? Is she ready to stop drinking, or is this going to continue being a problem for her due to being in denial? If being in jail gets her the help she needs, then she needs to stay in jail.

Where will she end up if you spend your money paying for her crime and no longer have a house for her to come to when she gets out of jail?

You definitely need to get some help for yourself, both to deal with her drinking and to get yourself out of denial so you can learn how to stop enabling her. You may be helping her in the short term, but in the long run her drinking is going to kill her and/or someone else if she does not get it under control. That won't help anyone.

[Nana2two]

Sorry your going through this. For one she does not live in the state that's why is getting hammered. Plus your attorney does stink. I hate to see what the fines would be if she had a prior dui or tickets.

[Debbie-cat]

Wow, I feel so bad for you. I would do anything for my Mom too but I know that she would never want me to take care of something like this because that's how much she loves me.

What does she say about it all? Does she feel bad or does she expect you to fix it? That will determine where her mental state is as far as her addiction goes. If there is no regrets or if she feels she doesn't deserve her sentencing then she is not taking responsibility for her actions and her addiction is worse than you think. Then she really needs help.

My sympathies are with you and I hope you can find a solution. Hugs to you.

[Nana2two]

Sorry hit the enter button. I know we all want the best for our mother. But i do have to agree, You will be sending her a message that it's ok for her behavior.She is 62 years old she is old enough to know driving will land you in hot water or 6ft under including anyone else she takes along.
Whats the difference between a dui and a extreme Dui? Thought a dui is a dui unless you kill some one then it's man slaughter.

Here read this. Sounds like your moms attorney or someone is not telling all that needs to be told. Not saying your lying by no means but. Something doesn't sound right.

1st Arizona DUI Offense
First Drunk Driving Conviction

* DUI Base Fine = $250
* Arizona DUI Surcharge = $200
* Probation Surcharge = $10
* Prison Construction Assessment = $500
* Arizona Xtra DUI Assessment = $500
* Jail - Minimum 24 Hours up to 10 Days
* License Suspension - From 90-360 Days
* Ignition Interlock Device - Court May Order Installation of Ignition Interlock Device at the expense of the Convicted DUI Offender.

More: First Offense DUI in Arizona
2nd Arizona DUI Offense
Second Drunk Driving Conviction

* DUI Base Fine = $500
* Arizona DUI Surcharge= $400
* Probation Surcharge = $10
* Prison Construction Assessment = $1,250
* Arizona Xtra DUI Assessment = $1,250
* Jail – Minimum 30 Days up to 90 Days
* Community Restitution – Minimum 30 Days
* License Suspension – One Year
* Ignition Interlock Device – Court Ordered Ignition Interlock Device
* Complete Alcohol or Other Drug Screening, Education or Treatment Program

More Information: Second Offense DUI in Arizona

[Anna43]

You love your mother, I love my dd. However, an alcoholic is an alcoholic and as long as you enable them you are part of the problem. When dd became an alcoholic at 14 learning tough love and NOT to enable was a major painful trauma. However, I fully believe the fact she is today a sober adult is because we let her crash and burn. We did not bail her out. We paid for treatment twice and a halfway house and finally kicked her butt out when she was a week short of 18. She today credits us with providing her the tools (treatment) and love (enough to be tough) with helping her find her sobriety. We did a re-run of the whole process with a foster dd who also is now a sober adult. I would urge you to go to Alanon and stop bailing out your mother financially or physically. That doesn't mean you stop loving her it means you love her enough to let her hit bottom.

[Nana2two]

First Offense Extreme DUI (BAC .150 - .199)

Jail:
Range of 30 to 180 days in jail. Minimum of 30 consecutive days in jail. The Court may suspend 20 of the 30 days if you successfully complete all recommended counseling and education.
Fines & Costs:
Aproximately $3,000.00 in fines and costs, plus jail costs. The more jail time imposed the greater the additional costs. NOTE: Jail costs can amount to thousands of dollars in addition to the fines and costs.
License:
The MVD will suspend your drivers' license for 90 days. You may be elibible for a work/school permit after the first 30 days of the suspension.
Counseling:
If convicted you must get a substance abuse evaluation and comply with any recommendation or be subject to additional jail time.
Probation:
You may be placed on probation for up to five years.
Community Service:
The court may impose community service.
MADD Victims' Impact Panel:
The court may order you to attend one or more sessions of the Mothers Against Drunk Driving Victims Impact Panel.
Ignition Interlock Device:
Required for 12 months after license reinstatement.

Second Offense Extreme DUI (BAC .150 - .199)

Jail:
Range of 120 to 180 days in jail. Minimum of 120 consecutive days in jail. The Court may suspend 60 of the 120 days if you agree to get an alcohol and/or drug evaluation, and submit to treatment.
Fines & Costs:
Minimum of aproximately $3.750.00 in fines and costs, plus jail costs. The more jail time imposed the greater the additional costs. NOTE: Jail costs can amount to thousands of dollars in addition to the fines and costs.
License:
Your drivers' license will be revoked for one year. Reinstatement of license is not automatic. You are not eligible for a work permit during the period of revocation.
Counseling:
If convicted you must get a substance abuse evaluation and comply with any recommendation or be subject to additional jail time.
Probation:
You may be placed on probation for up to five years.
Community Service:
The court must impose a minimum of 30 hours of community service in addition to all other penalties imposed.
MADD Victims' Impact Panel:
The court may order you to attend one or more sessions of the Mothers Against Drunk Driving Victims Impact Panel.
Ignition Interlock Device:
Required for 12 months after license reinstatement.
First Offense "Super Extreme" DUI (BAC .200 or higher)

Jail:
Range of 45 to 180 days in jail. Minimum of 45 consecutive days in jail (this is not a typo!). The court is not allowed to suspend ANY of the minimum 45 consecutive days in jail.
Fines & Costs:
Aproximately $3,250.00 in fines and costs, plus jail costs. The more jail time imposed the greater the additional costs. NOTE: Jail costs can amount to thousands of dollars in addition to the fines and costs.
License:
The MVD will suspend your drivers' license for 90 days. You may be elibible for a work/school permit after the first 30 days of the suspension.
Counseling:
If convicted you must get a substance abuse evaluation and comply with any recommendation.
Probation:
You may be placed on probation for up to five years.
Community Service:
The court may impose community service.
MADD Victims' Impact Panel:
The court may order you to attend one or more sessions of the Mothers Against Drunk Driving Victims Impact Panel.
Ignition Interlock Device:
Required for 18 months after license reinstatement.
Second Offense "Super Extreme "Extreme DUI (BAC .200 or higher)

Jail:
180 days flat sentence mandatory (no sentence range)**. That means that if convicted of this offense, the Judge has no choice but to sentence you to 180 days in jail. Of the 180 day sentence, 90 days must be served consecutively, presumably leaving another 90 days to be served on a non-consecutive basis.
Fines & Costs:
Minimum of aproximately $4,000.00 in fines and costs, plus jail costs (which can add up to around $18,000.00 additional). The more jail time imposed the greater the additional costs. NOTE: Jail costs can amount to thousands of dollars in addition to the fines and costs. Some courts have strict policies against waiving the jail costs, so for a 2nd offense Super Extreme you could end up owing the court in excess of $22,000.00 if you are convicted!
License:
Your drivers' license will be revoked for one year. Reinstatement of license is not automatic. You are not eligible for a work permit during the period of revocation.
Counseling:
If convicted you must get a substance abuse evaluation and comply with any recommendation or be subject to additional jail time.
Probation:
You may be placed on probation for up to five years.
Community Service:
The court must impose a minimum of 30 hours of community service in addition to all other penalties imposed.
MADD Victims' Impact Panel:
The court may order you to attend one or more sessions of the Mothers Against Drunk Driving Victims Impact Panel.
Ignition Interlock Device:
Required for 24 months after license reinstatement.

[Lora88]

I dont think the fines are that bad at all be glad she didnt get a dwi in New Jersey loss of liscence for at least 7 months thats the mininium 1000 dollar surcharge a year for 3 three years court costs other fines and you have to go to high risk insurance which is 3000 a year for mininum coverage pay a lawyer etc this is for a first offence after that it gets even worse