Financial Infidelity

[Anna43]

I unfortunately see this a lot in bankruptcy clients. Sometimes the cheating spouse reforms and is forgiven. Other times not. A couple last year went thru bankruptcy due to his wife's bi-polar and wild spending sprees. He took total control of the family finances and things looked better. Recently he called to say they were divorcing.

I could not live with someone doing this especially if they'd done it more than one time. Basically everything he's worked for all these years is gone including their home. It really is unforgiveable in my opinion that she's done this over and over and refuses to get help. I would be DONE. Otherwise, he has no hope for his future.

[mndtrp]

If he had run his credit report regularly after the first time, he might have caught this long before the bills got so high.

Yep.

I pull both of our credit reports once a year, and then go over both of them with my wife. So far, no problems. If my wife did something like the OP's, I would be pulling our credit reports at least monthly. It doesn't stop the obvious problem, but it would help minimize the damage.

[larabelle]

I haven't been though this, but for me I would have been out of there by the 3rd time, if not the second. It's one thing to run up the cards once, have a heart to heart, promise never to do it again - and another thing to do it FOUR times and still refuse to go to counseling.

I so agree!!!
I mean you have been married 27 years and she has done it #4 times!!! So about once every 6.75 years....Are you prepared to live having a bomb like that dropped on you every 6.75 years..and each time the bomb is bigger!!! Espcecially since she refuses to go to counseling......

[kita]

While I agree that after the second time I would find some pretty serious methods to control the family finances or be gone I wonder about something he said...that things were going well now but he told her last night that he would divorce her if it ever happened again.
This is a small pet peeve. If the "d-word" wasn't part of the conversation when she was charging up cards the second and third times why is it now? If I am struggling with a problem, why wait until I am improving to make threats? It makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough.

[Greebo]

Counseling...........ah yes.......... one of those details. I set up counseling with both a credit counseling service AND marriage counselor......nope she wouldn't go because she "promises not to do it again". I ended up going to counseling to deal with my anger and hurt....didn't help much. I'm just tired of getting drop kicked.

If your wife does not understand why you've lost your trust in her and isn't willing to go to counseling to help address the issues then you have all the more reason not to continue trusting her.

You need to make your wife understand just how seriously she has betrayed you and how much this marriage surviving depends upon her actually ACTING to regain your trust.

If she's not willing to take the simple step of simply going to counseling, you have no way you can even begin to trust her again - make her understand that, because right now she's lost the right to "set terms".

It really comes down to the old Ann Landers question-all " are you better off with him (her) or without him (her)". Sometimes for better or for worse is just worse.

About all you can do if you stay with her is to completely isolate your finances from hers, and keep a sharp eye on your credit and refuse to bail her out if she continues her bad behavior. If she abuses YOUR good name and takes out credit in your name, you report it as fraud immediately to clear yourself.

She's not willing to work with you, you don't want to divorce, so your only choices are keep allowing what's been happening to continue or financially divorce yourself from her and try to salvage what can be salvaged in the rest. I don't see that working for long, but she's not leaving you much choice.

[ddmartin]

An addict never sees the need to change until they hit the wall. Yes addict is a strong word, but it sounds like thats whats going on. Maybe it's new clothes, shoes, gambling who knows but the money is going somewhere.

Also to exist an addict needs an enabler. In this case someone who periodically cleans the slate.

LakeMtn - The only adivce is to take care of yourself, if for no other reason than for your health.

[mndtrp]

Counseling...........ah yes.......... one of those details. I set up counseling with both a credit counseling service AND marriage counselor......nope she wouldn't go because she "promises not to do it again". I ended up going to counseling to deal with my anger and hurt....didn't help much. I'm just tired of getting drop kicked.

Counseling isn't necessarily just for the person with the problem. It's also for the people around that person, and how to best work through the situation.

She may think she has a handle on her issue, which is unlikely, but maybe she would go if she saw it as helping you out.

[melodys]

Counseling...........ah yes.......... one of those details. I set up counseling with both a credit counseling service AND marriage counselor......nope she wouldn't go because she "promises not to do it again". .

Sorry, the lack of willingness to get help for an obvious problem means that the problem will keep reoccurring. IMHO - If you know what you will do if it happens again, then you should go ahead and take that step now. The mess will only continue to get worse.

[ml2620]

Did we scare poor LakeMtn away? If so, I am sorry. We are all hoping you can work things out in your own mind and heart.

[Greebo]

Hasn't been back since the 24th but who knows...

[butterflywatcher]

Personally, I don't believe this is something to end a 27 year marriage over. Worse things can and might happen. My parents have been married 39 years and my mom is horrible with money (sued plenty of times, bank accounts frozen, utilities shut off, near foreclosure, debt collectors calling all the time). My mom works while my dad is retired. He basically had a huge, long talk with her and she agreed to let him take over the paying of the bills. He tells her what they need each week, and she hands it over to him (for the house only). She then keeps the rest and is free to mess up what she wants. All utilities were switched to my dad's name, refinanced the house in my dad's name only. Separate checking accounts, but with full disclosure to each other. It's brought them to a somewhat peaceful meeting point in regards to money.

[Greebo]

If that resolution can be reached, great. However, if she continues to go behind his back as she's demonstrated a willingness to do, she has as much ability to destroy his future as he does hers.

Women aren't the only ones who need to be sure they aren't going to end up alone and financially destitute due to the financial misdeeds of their spouses in life.

[Luckybustert]

I don't think the regular, talk-about-it-and-promise-not-to-do-it-again style of counseling is effective. If you can find a counselor that works with modifying behaviors...and realize that perhaps both of you may need to change in some ways...I've found that a more effective approach. And yes, I did say perhaps both of you may need to change. What are your wife's triggers for spending? For example, is there something you are doing that contributes to setting that trigger off? I may get blasted for saying this, but usually in a marriage both partners are contributing to the problems in some way, either directly or indirectly. I hope you and your wife are able to get the help you need and are able to save your marriage.

[melodys]

I think a lot depends if one is in a community property state or not. In a community property state both spouses are equally responsible for the debts that either one makes. Having been in a similar situation in a community property state I can attest that it is a true nightmare.