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Don't Ever Do Business With Family! (LONG!)

6K views 24 replies 17 participants last post by  mndtrp 
#1 ·
A word of warning to all, don't ever do any kind of business or accept any kind of monetary favors from family, no matter how "good" it seems! My DH and I have had a hard time and were close to losing our house, which we were fine with renting if it came to that. But we had decided to try to move to a much cheaper state (after finding work of course) since we decided it would be the best thing for our family (the new area was also safer, had better schools, and more to do).

Well my mom completely freaked out at the thought of us moving away and her missing her grandkids so she decided that she and my dad would "help" us. Her help entailed buying a short sale townhouse and renting it to us. We even went and looked at a beautiful one and after feeling very pressured, I agreed to let her put an offer in. My fault, I should have thought about it more. But we talked about expectations and who would pay for what and it sounded good.

Well later I found out from my sister that my mom had told her that she would expect me and my husband to submit regular bank statements to her and my dad to prove we are saving money!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was completely stunned and hurt. First of all, saving money is not the issue here, we save as much as possible and if we had lower housing costs we would be able to save even more! Its not like we have spending problems where we would seize the opportunity of having low rent and go out and buy a bunch of crap, thats not us at all and she should know that! We don't have cell phones or fancy cable or half the crap SHE has! That's just embarrassing to make us do that! We would have felt like children!

We had been trying to get a loan modification from our mortgage company and not even THEY would require monthly bank statements after a loan mod is in place. Gees! So anyway, after almost 2 years of trying to get a loan mod, we finally get approved for trial payments. Of course this just HAD to happen 2 weeks after my mom put an offer, and deposit, on the townhouse. But I took it as an opportunity to tell my mom that we were going to pursue that so she could retract her offer and I would just pay her back the $1,000 deposit she put down.

I am beyond hurt and pi$$ed off! Like I have a spare $1,000 hanging around!!! I feel like telling her exactly why I am pulling out of this offer of help, she doesn't know I know about the bank statement thing because I promised my sister I wouldn't tell (since she wasn't supposed to tell me, but I am glad she did because don't you think I should know ALL the expectations my mom has before going into this????). Well it may come out eventually because I don't think that is fair I have to pay the deposit when it is partly my moms fault for changing the terms after we agreed on different ones. Either way, I will pay it to keep the peace and I will consider it the price of a lesson learned the hard way.

And from now on, no more help. We would have been fine with out her help and we WILL be fine without her "help". From now on, I'm a big girl who doesn't need bailed out by her parents, and they also only will hear our plans after they are already set. Meaning, if we are thinking of moving, we aren't going to tell them until it is 100% set so that way they have no way to trying to talk us out it.

ARGH! Sorry that is so long, I just really needed to vent! :ache:
 
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#2 ·
That's a hard lesson to learn. And $1000 is probably better than having NOT learned that lesson. I too learned NEVER to do business with family the hard way, when I was about 20... but it cost me about $5000 to learn. And it was a brother a that screwed me rather than a parent.

These days, I won't even let my husband, who does renovations, do ANY work for friends or family.... I know where doing business with family can lead, and it's never worth it!
 
#3 ·
Sorry you had to learn that lesson, and the loss of the 1,000 but it will be a priceless lesson on life, how to treat your children and boundaries. I am glad you set yours even if your Mother will never know you did.

I had a situation as well, with my Mother. She is a bitter, mean person ( story on here somewhere ) to me, but has taught me to love life, give joy, be true to myself and others and never treat my children like she has me. If I did they would never talk to me again. We borrowed when going through a health issue, My Dad with a heart of gold was wonderful and they didn't need the money back right away. My mother made my life hell and told family all kinds of untrue things, never inquired about the health and was paid back in full with interest and I would never ever borrow or turn to her again for anything period.

The whole situation has hurt more then you could know. The grace in it all was that it has taught me how to try to be the best friend, mother and confidant to my children or those in need or sorrow. Hugs to you hon. Here is to a successful life for you , boundaries and a good financial future.
 
#5 ·
Thank you for the replies and words of encouragement!

Swirly, I'm sorry your bother ended up costing you $5k, thats terrible and yes a very expensive lesson! :(

HappyMama, I'm so sorry your mother hurt you like that! That is so mean and uncalled for. My mom has been pretty nice about the whole thing, just extremely annoying. The only thing she said that wasn't very nice was when I *jokingly* said I wanted a teeny tiny chocolate poodle (because I saw one in the pet shop window) and she got all in a huff and said, "you better ask your landlord first!" That really hurt my feelings because she should have know the last thing I want is another being to take care of (I have two year old twins and a 1 year old afterall!) and then to just say that is kind of insulting because I didn't realize I was going to be treated like a tenant. If something broke in the townhouse, we were going to fix it and *also*, WE were paying the downpayment and closing costs, so technically it would have been partly our house but apparently my mom didn't think so. Then I found the bank statement thing out and I was done. I am pretty sure I will end up telling her I heard about that and how hurt it made me. Then again, its better just to bottle it up, right?!

I'm just so thankful my sister told me because I really dodged a bullet!
 
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#7 ·
Food for thought:

A third party tells you that the terms of the contract agreement is changed but not the person lending the money.

If your Mom asked you could have just said: "No, it isn't appropriate for you (mom) to change the terms without telling us. We will NOT be providing you with monthly bank statements. If you wanted that information you should have informed us of the expectation BEFORE we made any agreement because it would have let us decline your offer sooner."

I'm not saying you shouldn't be pissed... but at the moment your anger is placed on third party information.

hugs
 
#11 ·
Look at it this way-$1k is a small price to pay to have no one to answer to but yourselves. I'm glad you dodged the bullet there!
 
#13 ·
Katie ,

I will PM it to you, hope it doesn't bore you.

Hugs and blessings
 
#15 ·
It's not too late, it's just that that plan involved finding a job first, which wasn't proving too easy. DH applied to dozens of jobs and only got one interview so far!

Thanks HappyMama, I am sure it won't bore me! :)
 
#19 ·
Any contract/agreement should be in writing whether its with family, friend, stranger, business etc. Spelling out the terms and everyone signing the agreement is the only way to prevent hard feelings. Doesn't make any difference if its a home purchase, rental lease or personal loan get it in writing. It is also the only way to win in court if you have to sue the other party for failure to do their part.

If I'd been in your situation and mother decided she wanted to see my monthly bank statements, I would have told her NO.

I have to say living 4 hours away from my mother makes for a much better relationship.
 
#20 ·
The written contract with the terms in detail is always so much easier to create and enforce with strangers than with family.
:deal:

OP: I'm very sorry you have to spend that 1K on this whole messy misunderstanding. But I also think that communication should be more open between all of you, given the serious monetary nature of the situation. Too much tippy-toeing around people's feelings here, instead of open, honest communication. Honestly, I do know how that feels, and I found that in my own case, I finally had to cut the apron-strings, make my decisions without consultation, and keep my own counsel about many private matters. It's hard, I know, to have good relations with the extended family, without the kind of overlap which causes strife. :box:
 
#21 ·
I so hear you.

Trying to leave an abusive relationship which caused me a nervous breakdown has left me over-reliant upon my abusive parents. I guess it's better than moving in with them after Dad tried to blow my head off once as a teen over something stupid.

Any help is loaded with insults, ultimatums and threats. The complications from the nervous breakdown left me on SSDI and having a hard time even finding a part-time job.

I've gotten as far away from the people who caused my breakdown as possible but the stigma of the mental health problems taint my already abusive relationship with my parents. ...

Another note, regarding wealthy people. A good many of them are crooks and enjoy the high of screwing someone and walking the fine line with the law. I would never get involved in any 'business' dealings with anyone wealthy or accept any financial help. When the crap does hit the fan for the wealthy crook, it will at least cast a bad shadow on you, or worse!
 
#23 ·
Lol, I've learned the hard way not to mix money and family or rent from family. But, and I'm not casting any nefarious doubt at your sister, are you 100 percent sure that this is exactly what your mother said and meant and something that she would follow through on by requesting? Your mom may have made some off hand joke in very poor taste and your sister may have severly mis interpreted it and come running to you thinking that she was helping when it clearly didn't. You have no way of knowing and will inevitably have some pretty hurt feelings for some time to come based on a third party statement that was not checked on. I think in the end it is probably better to not be in a situation where you are renting from your parents in a townhouse they were going to buy specifically for your family but I would try to come to some resolution on your feelings with the whole bank statement issue, especially if there is a possibility it was never meant the way it was relayed to you.
 
#24 ·
Thanks everyone for the replies! Sorry I just now getting back to this. Yes I 100% believe my sister, she is my twin sister and we are really close. I should have known my mom would pull something like this because my other sister owes my parents tons of money (because they have been paying all of her expenses for the past couple years while she goes to nursing school out of state) and my mom is always saying things sort of similar to what she said about me. I had reservations about the whole thing but I felt stuck like I had no other choice. I don't know for sure if she would have followed through with it, but just that she was thinking it was enough to make my skin crawl. Thank goodness the bank came through with a loan mod to give me an out with my mom!

Anyway, thank you again for letting me vent! And thank you to whomever voted me for the little award for this thread, how cool!!!! :)
 
#25 ·
Knowing how a person acts in other areas of life can give you great insight into whether or not you can do business together.

My immediate family, there's no problem. I've borrowed money a few times, and always paid back as agreed. Once the money was given to me, I never heard another peep about it until it was paid off.

My wife's family, we avoid any sort of financial involvement. Her father has had a history of holding everything over her head, even things that were supposed to be gifts.

To the OP, learn from this situation, and don't do it again.
 
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