Don't Ever Do Business With Family! (LONG!)

**GirlBoyGirl** · 11-15-2011, 09:52 AM

A word of warning to all, don't ever do any kind of business or accept any kind of monetary favors from family, no matter how "good" it seems! My DH and I have had a hard time and were close to losing our house, which we were fine with renting if it came to that. But we had decided to try to move to a much cheaper state (after finding work of course) since we decided it would be the best thing for our family (the new area was also safer, had better schools, and more to do).

Well my mom completely freaked out at the thought of us moving away and her missing her grandkids so she decided that she and my dad would "help" us. Her help entailed buying a short sale townhouse and renting it to us. We even went and looked at a beautiful one and after feeling very pressured, I agreed to let her put an offer in. My fault, I should have thought about it more. But we talked about expectations and who would pay for what and it sounded good.

Well later I found out from my sister that my mom had told her that she would expect me and my husband to submit regular bank statements to her and my dad to prove we are saving money!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was completely stunned and hurt. First of all, saving money is not the issue here, we save as much as possible and if we had lower housing costs we would be able to save even more! Its not like we have spending problems where we would seize the opportunity of having low rent and go out and buy a bunch of crap, thats not us at all and she should know that! We don't have cell phones or fancy cable or half the crap SHE has! That's just embarrassing to make us do that! We would have felt like children!

We had been trying to get a loan modification from our mortgage company and not even THEY would require monthly bank statements after a loan mod is in place. Gees! So anyway, after almost 2 years of trying to get a loan mod, we finally get approved for trial payments. Of course this just HAD to happen 2 weeks after my mom put an offer, and deposit, on the townhouse. But I took it as an opportunity to tell my mom that we were going to pursue that so she could retract her offer and I would just pay her back the $1,000 deposit she put down.

I am beyond hurt and pi$$ed off! Like I have a spare $1,000 hanging around!!! I feel like telling her exactly why I am pulling out of this offer of help, she doesn't know I know about the bank statement thing because I promised my sister I wouldn't tell (since she wasn't supposed to tell me, but I am glad she did because don't you think I should know ALL the expectations my mom has before going into this????). Well it may come out eventually because I don't think that is fair I have to pay the deposit when it is partly my moms fault for changing the terms after we agreed on different ones. Either way, I will pay it to keep the peace and I will consider it the price of a lesson learned the hard way.

And from now on, no more help. We would have been fine with out her help and we WILL be fine without her "help". From now on, I'm a big girl who doesn't need bailed out by her parents, and they also only will hear our plans after they are already set. Meaning, if we are thinking of moving, we aren't going to tell them until it is 100% set so that way they have no way to trying to talk us out it.

ARGH! Sorry that is so long, I just really needed to vent!

**SwirlyThing** · 11-15-2011, 11:29 AM

That's a hard lesson to learn. And $1000 is probably better than having NOT learned that lesson. I too learned NEVER to do business with family the hard way, when I was about 20... but it cost me about $5000 to learn. And it was a brother a that screwed me rather than a parent.

These days, I won't even let my husband, who does renovations, do ANY work for friends or family.... I know where doing business with family can lead, and it's never worth it!

**HappyMama** · 11-15-2011, 11:39 AM

Sorry you had to learn that lesson, and the loss of the 1,000 but it will be a priceless lesson on life, how to treat your children and boundaries. I am glad you set yours even if your Mother will never know you did.

I had a situation as well, with my Mother. She is a bitter, mean person ( story on here somewhere ) to me, but has taught me to love life, give joy, be true to myself and others and never treat my children like she has me. If I did they would never talk to me again. We borrowed when going through a health issue, My Dad with a heart of gold was wonderful and they didn't need the money back right away. My mother made my life hell and told family all kinds of untrue things, never inquired about the health and was paid back in full with interest and I would never ever borrow or turn to her again for anything period.

The whole situation has hurt more then you could know. The grace in it all was that it has taught me how to try to be the best friend, mother and confidant to my children or those in need or sorrow. Hugs to you hon. Here is to a successful life for you , boundaries and a good financial future.

**frugalfranny** · 11-15-2011, 11:42 AM

Family, money and STUFF..........never of good combo.

Sorry this happened to you.........

**GirlBoyGirl** · 11-15-2011, 01:53 PM

Thank you for the replies and words of encouragement!

Swirly, I'm sorry your bother ended up costing you $5k, thats terrible and yes a very expensive lesson!

HappyMama, I'm so sorry your mother hurt you like that! That is so mean and uncalled for. My mom has been pretty nice about the whole thing, just extremely annoying. The only thing she said that wasn't very nice was when I *jokingly* said I wanted a teeny tiny chocolate poodle (because I saw one in the pet shop window) and she got all in a huff and said, "you better ask your landlord first!" That really hurt my feelings because she should have know the last thing I want is another being to take care of (I have two year old twins and a 1 year old afterall!) and then to just say that is kind of insulting because I didn't realize I was going to be treated like a tenant. If something broke in the townhouse, we were going to fix it and *also*, WE were paying the downpayment and closing costs, so technically it would have been partly our house but apparently my mom didn't think so. Then I found the bank statement thing out and I was done. I am pretty sure I will end up telling her I heard about that and how hurt it made me. Then again, its better just to bottle it up, right?!

I'm just so thankful my sister told me because I really dodged a bullet!

**Momof4cats** · 11-15-2011, 04:33 PM

Maybe I'm a bit confused here, but you said 'we save as much as possible and if we had lower housing costs we would be able to save even more' and 'WE were paying the downpayment and closing costs'. But you were about to lose your house?

**Ceashels** · 11-15-2011, 05:23 PM

Food for thought:

A third party tells you that the terms of the contract agreement is changed but not the person lending the money.

If your Mom asked you could have just said: "No, it isn't appropriate for you (mom) to change the terms without telling us. We will NOT be providing you with monthly bank statements. If you wanted that information you should have informed us of the expectation BEFORE we made any agreement because it would have let us decline your offer sooner."

I'm not saying you shouldn't be pissed... but at the moment your anger is placed on third party information.

hugs

**pinecone** · 11-15-2011, 06:01 PM

Originally Posted by Ceashels

Food for thought:

A third party tells you that the terms of the contract agreement is changed but not the person lending the money.
........
I'm not saying you shouldn't be pissed... but at the moment your anger is placed on third party information.

My thoughts too. The egg might belong on your sister's face, not your Mom's. Hugs as you make your way.

piney

**GirlBoyGirl** · 11-15-2011, 08:50 PM

Originally Posted by Ceashels

If your Mom asked you could have just said: "No, it isn't appropriate for you (mom) to change the terms without telling us. We will NOT be providing you with monthly bank statements. If you wanted that information you should have informed us of the expectation BEFORE we made any agreement because it would have let us decline your offer sooner."

I'm not saying you shouldn't be pissed... but at the moment your anger is placed on third party information.

hugs

Well it is 3rd party information but its completely accurate, my sister has no reason to make anything up, she wants the best for us- and this is totally something my mom would do. Yes you are right, that is something I should say to my mom, but she never asked and I decided to blame pulling out of the townhouse on the fact that we got approved for a trial loan mod (even though the townhouse still would have been cheaper) because I was trying to spare her feelings (even though she is in the wrong, IMO) since she is an extremely sensitive person and I didn't feel like starting some huge fight. Plus she never lets anything go so I would have been hearing about this for months, if not years! Just when you think all is forgotten- BAM! She digs up old guilt trips, lol!

Originally Posted by Momof4cats

Maybe I'm a bit confused here, but you said 'we save as much as possible and if we had lower housing costs we would be able to save even more' and 'WE were paying the downpayment and closing costs'. But you were about to lose your house?

Since we would have had lower housing costs (low rent, much lower utilities, no HOA, closer to work and grocery stores), we would have been able to pay extra to slowly pay back the downpayment, plus we were working on selling things and that would have gone to the downpayment. Sorry, I didn't know I had to divulge every single detail of my financial and personal life in order for the story to be believable

..

Originally Posted by pinecone

My thoughts too. The egg might belong on your sister's face, not your Mom's. Hugs as you make your way.

piney

Well I see your point of view, but in this case I am totally happy that she said something, I mean, SOMEONE had to! When was I going to hear these new terms? My parents obviously weren't. I am just so thankful that she had the guts to tell me because I needed to hear it before I got into something I didn't agree with. If anything, this just goes back to my mom, who was apparently talking about me and my situation behind my back to my sister!

**HappyMama** · 11-15-2011, 08:57 PM

Originally Posted by GirlBoyGirl

Well it is 3rd party information but its completely accurate, my sister has no reason to make anything up, she wants the best for us- and this is totally something my mom would do. Yes you are right, that is something I should say to my mom, but she never asked and I decided to blame pulling out of the townhouse on the fact that we got approved for a trial loan mod (even though the townhouse still would have been cheaper) because I was trying to spare her feelings (even though she is in the wrong, IMO) since she is an extremely sensitive person and I didn't feel like starting some huge fight. Plus she never lets anything go so I would have been hearing about this for months, if not years! Just when you think all is forgotten- BAM! She digs up old guilt trips, lol!

Since we would have had lower housing costs (low rent, much lower utilities, no HOA, closer to work and grocery stores), we would have been able to pay extra to slowly pay back the downpayment, plus we were working on selling things and that would have gone to the downpayment. Sorry, I didn't know I had to divulge every single detail of my financial and personal life in order for the story to be believable

..

Well I see your point of view, but in this case I am totally happy that she said something, I mean, SOMEONE had to! When was I going to hear these new terms? My parents obviously weren't. I am just so thankful that she had the guts to tell me because I needed to hear it before I got into something I didn't agree with. If anything, this just goes back to my mom, who was apparently talking about me and my situation behind my back to my sister!

If you ever have a chance read my old story about my Mom etc and thank your sister immensely you will see what I mean. Hugs to you. I guess just wanted you to know how happy I am that you found out, didn't get into a situation, have set your boundaries, decided it is not worth the drama which will continue with some individuals, but most of all so glad your sister loves you and you have her.

**khaski** · 11-15-2011, 10:22 PM

Look at it this way-$1k is a small price to pay to have no one to answer to but yourselves. I'm glad you dodged the bullet there!

**GirlBoyGirl** · 11-15-2011, 11:16 PM

HappyMama, I will try to find that post! And thank you!

And Khaski, I totally agree!

**HappyMama** · 11-15-2011, 11:21 PM

Originally Posted by GirlBoyGirl

HappyMama, I will try to find that post! And thank you!

And Khaski, I totally agree!

Katie ,

I will PM it to you, hope it doesn't bore you.

Hugs and blessings

**Spirit Deer** · 11-15-2011, 11:25 PM

Why is it too late for you to follow your original plan to move out of state?

**GirlBoyGirl** · 11-16-2011, 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by Spirit Deer

Why is it too late for you to follow your original plan to move out of state?

It's not too late, it's just that that plan involved finding a job first, which wasn't proving too easy. DH applied to dozens of jobs and only got one interview so far!

Thanks HappyMama, I am sure it won't bore me!