Matron of Honor--gift giving dilema and minor vent

**AspiringToBeFrugal** · 05-02-2008, 09:14 PM

I'm sure someone on the board has posted about this before, but... I have been asked to be the matron of honor and DH has been asked to be an usher in a friend's wedding (a few months away). DH and I will want to get them a nice present but we will be responsible for paying for our dress/tux, shoes, etc. Also, this friend has already told me what kind of bridal shower she wants to have so I feel obligated to do that for her.

These friends are also somewhat cheap in that they want DH and I to drive when we go out together, they have been to our home several times for meals and other events in the last few months while we haven't been invited to their house for anything since mid-January.

I don't want to seem stingy or un-Christian (I'm afraid that's how I'm coming across) but between the $200 I will likely spend on just the apparel for their wedding plus the $100 or so DH will spend on HIS apparel, her shower, etc. I'm not excited about the thought of giving them some crazy expensive gift. We also have two graduations, two other weddings, and a couple of other special events that we'll need gifts for in the coming months. That, coupled with the price of gas, will mean a very tight budget over the next few months.

What are your suggestions? Thanks in advance for your help!

**LuvMyHubby** · 05-02-2008, 09:24 PM

I would say give them as nice a gift as you can afford. A beautiful picture frame on sale for their wedding invitation, if you can have it engraved with their name/wedding date, whatever you think they would like and within reason and perhaps a pretty card with a heartfelt personal message to her.

You are hosting her shower as she would like it and spending on the attire etc. If your friend is truly a friend then she will understand that you have budget constraints and that a less than triple digit gift in no way deflects from how much you care about her.

**AmyBoz** · 05-02-2008, 09:27 PM

Well, I don't know what the entire bridal party is like, but what my girls did for my wedding was that they all went in together on a gift, which was really quite nice. It made it less expensive for them, but it was very meaningful knowing that they all planned and decided what to get as a "team." Perhaps you can talk to the other girls and see if you can all go in on something? Or, maybe you can talk to the entire bridal party, men and women, and see if you can all go in and get them something big, but it won't cost too much per person if you are all going in. Like, maybe a big Visa gift card they can use for spending money on their honeymoon or things of that nature.

As for the shower, there are so many ways you can throw a really nice, yet frugal shower. I've been to some really beautiful, yet inexpensive showers that were so sophisticated and non-tacky, you'd never know how cheap they were if you weren't the one paying for it.

I guarantee if you tell us what she's looking for in a shower, the ladies at the village can have it all planned out for next to nothing in 3 days.

My feeling is, this woman obviously loves you and you are obviously incredibly important to her if she's asked you to be her matron of honor. Budget wisely, but if you need to go a little over, well...maybe it's okay in this case.

**Megareader** · 05-02-2008, 09:39 PM

I like the idea of the whole wedding party going in on a gift. You could get them something extra nice that way without anyone having to lay out a huge amount.

**LuvMyHubby** · 05-02-2008, 09:45 PM

I like that idea also.

**Missy** · 05-02-2008, 11:54 PM

Originally Posted by AmyBoz

I guarantee if you tell us what she's looking for in a shower, the ladies at the village can have it all planned out for next to nothing in 3 days.

Yeah!! We'd all be happy to give some ideas if you'd like!

**nuisance26** · 05-03-2008, 09:07 AM

~I must be really stingy because I thought the shower and service as a matron WAS the gift. Maybe you could make an album of the shower as a gift for her. The materials would cost less than $20 and you could put it together in one Saturday. You could have everyone at the shower give the bride advice and you could put those thoughts in the album along with pictures and poems. I think the bride would appreciate sentiment over stuff.~

**mombottoo** · 05-03-2008, 10:20 AM

Originally Posted by nuisance26

~I must be really stingy because I thought the shower and service as a matron WAS the gift. Maybe you could make an album of the shower as a gift for her. The materials would cost less than $20 and you could put it together in one Saturday. You could have everyone at the shower give the bride advice and you could put those thoughts in the album along with pictures and poems. I think the bride would appreciate sentiment over stuff.~

You and I must be in the same club, because that is what I have always thought also. I would never have expected my maid of honor to purchase me a gift in addition to throwing the bridal shower & buying her own dress.

You mentioned that you haven't been invited to "their" house in a few months, so I am assuming they already live together...which means they probably already own a lot of stuff. I'd go with something from the heart if you really feel obligated to give a wedding gift in addition to all of the other "gifts" you are already giving.

**peanut** · 05-03-2008, 11:48 AM

boy, things have changed since I was married! Thirty years ago the bride bought the maid of honor a gift for taking on the job! I specifically went with bridesmaid to pick out the dresses. We decided they'd probably never wear them again, so we bought cheap prom dresses. In fact, my old prom dress was worn by one of my bridesmaids who couldn't afford a dress. Maybe tacky, but you know, back then we were all in university and it just plain seemed more sensible that way. We all needed the money for school!

Jean

**Hannahs mom** · 05-03-2008, 12:15 PM

I've been the "chosen one" at two of my best friend's wedding's
and a bridesmaid at a couple of others. I have NEVER been in charge of the shower. The families and church took care of this together. Is there any reason why it can't be a family/church shower? I wouldn't think that anyone would be offended if you asked them to help with this huge task! That way you could ask everyone to volunteer to bring an appetizer/fruit, etc. Know anyone that can make a cake?? Sheet cake supplies can often be purchased at Walmart, Hobby Lobby, etc. They even sell the big fancy boxes to put the cake in. As far as the location for the shower, how about a back deck or patio that has been decorated with spring flowers?
Another idea is a bridal bruch -
I wouldn't think that you would "need" to give a large present at all. I would get a small gift that had some type of sentimental value.

**christina33** · 05-03-2008, 12:57 PM

Hi

I feel your pain. I was a maid of honor last year and I tell you I love my friend but I will never do that again. She had a huge wedding-kinda like Platinum weddings-which meant the everyone paid for their dresses,shoes, hair etc I spent about $1200 on stuff alone not including airfare. While I did not throw the bridal shower.there were the gifts and the bachelorette party.

My advice is to give the gift AFTER the wedding. The wedding I was involved in had a bridal registry with some of the most exclusive stores and none of the selections were "reasonably priced". So wait until all the gifts are opened and you can see what she does not have and then buy the gift. Most brides tend to pick stuff for the catalog life not the everyday practical things.

You are going to spend a lot on the shower (unforeseen costs will arise) and this is going to hit your budget. Brides in the midst of wedding and the runup are not logical people, so don't even attempt a conversation at this time.
Try going to Party city or Michael's for creative ideas to make the room look nice. If you have a garden or parents do.. buy some cheap but classy looking cups/vases-go to a thrift store and put from the garden flowers in them.

I have no problem with Walmart cake etc.. but bear in mind that your girlfriend might be offended. I would ask some of the other friends to bring stuff- food or finger snacks,do cupcakes that are decorated in pastels to match flower colors- but this gets tricky depending on how much the bridal gifts costs etc. If your friend have champagne tastes on someone else budget, be careful. Be mindful that some guests may be invited to more than one shower for the bride which means more than one gift. People also give gifts at bacherette party also

And for those who think the shower is the gift from the matron of honor .. not true anymore.

I hope it works out all right. I too tried to think of myself as a Christian but trust me the wedding made me think the devil's way is not bad under certain circumstances. For many, it is the wedding that means everything and the marriage is not given a lot ofrthought. SO as hard as it is, try not to get caught up in that material wasteland.
Good luck and take plenty tyenol or prozac with you

**lgw** · 05-03-2008, 01:57 PM

Given that this is a summer wedding, could you do a summer potluck/cookout for the bridal shower? Have everyone bring their own lawn chairs and a dish. Ask the bride's family to host it in a back yard. We have family cookouts (~25 people) every summer, and with the potluck theme, there is always TONS of food. For the cake, one from your local supermarket will be quite affordable.

**leezza** · 05-03-2008, 01:58 PM

I hope you will not think poorly of me but:

Would you be able to tell your friend that you are not able to afford being in the wedding???? You may not be the only one that is having a tight budget right now......

I once told a friend that I couldn't buy my own dress because it was $120.00 plus shoes, hair ect.....Anyway, she decided to go with a $60.00 dress so that it would make it easier on us girls that were in the wedding.

Don't be embarrassed to let folks know that something is out of your budget.

JMHO,
leezza

**FrugalWitch** · 05-03-2008, 03:15 PM

I feel your pain. I have politely declined every time I have/was ever asked to be involved from bridesmaid to matron of honor. As long as you are polite your friend should understand if you decline.

**AspiringToBeFrugal** · 05-03-2008, 05:42 PM

You all make excellent points.

The shower she wants is at a make your own/paint your own pottery place--she picks out the pieces she wants and then the attendees decorate the pieces in her colors. So it's primarily the cost of the fired piece that everyone incurs...I won't have to (nor would I ever agree to) pay for anything but my own piece of pottery. I think I will just invite everyone to bring a snack item. That way people can munch as they create.

As for the other stuff, I think I might have to tell her that we need to go with cheaper dresses and shoes. I just can't afford all this on top of hubby's stuff. Also, I agree with Christina...we may wait until after the wedding to get them something but I think they really only want cash...this is what they've alluded to. I've kept my thoughts to myself on that one but...