Friends & Frugality

[Jenibelle]

Do you have friends who COMPLAIN constantly about money issues but won't change anything about their lifestyle to fix it?

I have a close friend who has even taken a Ramsey class. But she still makes some of the dumbest financial decisions especially at the point she's at in her life.

Its driving me NUTS having to be her shoulder to cry on and everytime I try to give her tips to help her out she claims "I know thats what I should do, I just don't do it"

I'm not going to help her out financially, I can't let her move into my place, but I can't stand to see her diving deeper and deeper and deeper into debt & still dropping money on frivalous things!


What do you do if you're in this situation?

[Greebo]

What do you do if you're in this situation?

Tell them if they're not going to follow your advice, not to ask for it. It's the kinder thing to do for both of you - although it IS tough love.

Seriously - if you're giving them a shoulder to cry on, all you're doing is rewarding the bad behavior, and you're excusing the fact that they don't do what they should do.

And that isn't really helping them, is it?

[DonnainME]

I agree - if she doesn't want to take your advice then don't give it to her.

I've had family that does similar just not on financial matters and it drives me crazy.

Good luck.

[rsbs]

I have several friends in this situation.
I agree to tell this person not to share with you any longer. The fact of the matter is, if they know what they should be doing, but won't do it, they are wasting your time talking about it.
Hard to do when it's a friend, I know.
I'm sorry.

[Russ]

You can only help a person so much and if they do not want to help themselves they will fail regardless of how much help you give them.

[TexasPeanut]

My husband has family members that do this. It used to drive us insane, listening to their problems, watching them blow money on wants and then cry to everyone that they can't pay their electric bill or some other bill that month. For years we have tried everything from guidance, helping, listening, to down right tough love and anger.

Then the breaking point came and we realized we were causing ourselves more stress being worried about their problems. We didn't have problems so why should we cause ourselves grief over adults who refuse to be responsible?

After that anytime they started their boohooing or ranting we just simply said but sternly "Until you decide to make a difference and be responsible I don't want to hear about it" Over time they got the hint we no longer hear about their finances and they've actually gotten better about taking care of their responsibilities.

[Ceashels]

After that anytime they started their boohooing or ranting we just simply said but sternly "Until you decide to make a difference and be responsible I don't want to hear about it" Over time they got the hint we no longer hear about their finances and they've actually gotten better about taking care of their responsibilities.

This is excellent advice. A little hard to say the first dozen times but it does work.

" <insert friends name here>, you have been in this same situation for <blank years>. You know what you need to do but you choose not to do it. If you aren't willing to make the changes needed complaining about it isn't going to improve the situation. Lets talk about <insert new topic of your choice here>. And do it everytime she starts to get whiney.

[MomToTwoBoys]

I would honestly let her fend for herself. If she's even gone as far as going to a Ramsey class but still won't take the advice, perhaps she needs to see the darker side of how things are when you're struggling so bad that you can't get out without true help. There's something telling me that she really just wants someone to be her guide, but she's afraid to do it on her own. Once she gets the exposure of doing it on her own, I think she'll change her tune.

[leezza]

Jen,

How about using your "Voice Mail" when she calls, yep screen your incoming calls.....I think she is taking advantage of your kindness. It sounds like to me that she has more than financial problems???

And yes I agree with the other posters.

JMHO,
leezza

[ahmom]

I think people just like to whine and complain.

[treeluva]

I have friends that whine or complain to me about not having money right as they are buying something they dont need. I am certainly not one that has made the right financial choices, but it was only VERY recently that I came out and admitted my debt and my past mistakes. I never called anyone and whined about not having money, and it really got my goat that other people would complain to me when I know about my own situation. Finally, one day, I just had enough. Oddly, that is the same day I faced my own financial blunders when I told a friend of mine, "I have over $20,000 in debt. I have my own issues to deal with. I don't really need to worry about yours!"

Fortunately, once that came out, my friend and I have both decided to take it one step at a time and change our financial lives and keep each other motivated.

[angelbumpkin]

You can only help a person who really wants to help themselfs. If they are not ready to do their share you are only banging your head against the wall. No need to give yourself a headache.

[chettasmom]

I had a very long post written but decided that it was absolutely too long and drawn out to post..but let me just say this:

I have a childhood friend who has a severe spending/no save habit
her husband decided to divorce her because of the financial debt she has put them in for 24 years.
She works 2 jobs but saves nothing, then comes to me (who no longer works) and asks to borrow money-which I don't have.
She sucked the life out of me complaining about not having money, but she has lovely manicures and pedicures and a bead collection worth about 3000 dollars. She's gained 89lbs from eating fast food 3 times a day. I couldn't take it anymore..her careless spending, whining, and complaining..finally, after 40 years of being her friend I told her I've had enough. I tried to help her get on a budget, took her grocery shopping to show her "how to do it right", and explained how she was using so much money on non essentials-and showed her how much she would be saving each month if she didnt blow her money on crap..she didn't listen. She thought she would be getting a windfall from her divorce..in reality: Her husband said..take the house but you wont get any of my retirement if you do..she said..FINE because she thought that she could sell the house and get a ton of money..In reality: they still have an 80 thousand dollar second mortage on the house that will need to be paid off..the house IS being sold for 121,000..but she has to pay back her aunt and uncle whom she borrowed money from (3000)she owes her lawyers 19,000, she has 11 credit card bills all over the limit, she bought a new"used" car that she owes 14,000 on..plus back mortgage payments, electric bills from the house that havent been paid in 3 months, fuel oil for the house that hasn't been paid up to date..etc..then she went and got a dumpster and tossed out everything that was left in the house after her husband moved out, but her bed, clothes, and a very few personal items, because she thinks she's going to be able to buy EVERYTHING brand new. ..she's going to end up with nothing-and has been living in a motel with her dog and 3 cats because the closing on the house was supposed to be last week but got changed because of a problem with the deed..(the wrong date of the build of the house) that needs to be corrected before they can close..since she can only have one friend at a time, she found a new friend who is now finding out how life sucking she can actually be....It's hard to lose a good friend over a silly matter such as this, but the stress she had me under was tremendous!..I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders since I told her to leave me alone..all because she never wanted to learn to be frugal.

[treeluva]

I had a very long post written but decided that it was absolutely too long and drawn out to post..but let me just say this:

I have a childhood friend who has a severe spending/no save habit
her husband decided to divorce her because of the financial debt she has put them in for 24 years.
She works 2 jobs but saves nothing, then comes to me (who no longer works) and asks to borrow money-which I don't have.
She sucked the life out of me complaining about not having money, but she has lovely manicures and pedicures and a bead collection worth about 3000 dollars. She's gained 89lbs from eating fast food 3 times a day. I couldn't take it anymore..her careless spending, whining, and complaining..finally, after 40 years of being her friend I told her I've had enough. I tried to help her get on a budget, took her grocery shopping to show her "how to do it right", and explained how she was using so much money on non essentials-and showed her how much she would be saving each month if she didnt blow her money on crap..she didn't listen. She thought she would be getting a windfall from her divorce..in reality: Her husband said..take the house but you wont get any of my retirement if you do..she said..FINE because she thought that she could sell the house and get a ton of money..In reality: they still have an 80 thousand dollar second mortage on the house that will need to be paid off..the house IS being sold for 121,000..but she has to pay back her aunt and uncle whom she borrowed money from (3000)she owes her lawyers 19,000, she has 11 credit card bills all over the limit, she bought a new"used" car that she owes 14,000 on..plus back mortgage payments, electric bills from the house that havent been paid in 3 months, fuel oil for the house that hasn't been paid up to date..etc..then she went and got a dumpster and tossed out everything that was left in the house after her husband moved out, but her bed, clothes, and a very few personal items, because she thinks she's going to be able to buy EVERYTHING brand new. ..she's going to end up with nothing-and has been living in a motel with her dog and 3 cats because the closing on the house was supposed to be last week but got changed because of a problem with the deed..(the wrong date of the build of the house) that needs to be corrected before they can close..since she can only have one friend at a time, she found a new friend who is now finding out how life sucking she can actually be....It's hard to lose a good friend over a silly matter such as this, but the stress she had me under was tremendous!..I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders since I told her to leave me alone..all because she never wanted to learn to be frugal.

Wow. Your friend is going down a roller coaster without brakes and a sudden drop off. I hope for her sake she gets her head out of the sand. But, you are right, there is nothing you can really do and NOT having that stress in your life is probably the best thing.

[Texasgirl]

She is a adult.
She choses not to do what she needs to do in order to fix her financial situation.
Some people it takes hitting rock bottom before they see the light and start doing what they know they should have been doing in the first place.